Twinkle, Twinkle

I love Christmas lights. It's one of my favorite traditions of the holidays. Honestly, I would keep my Christmas lights up all year if it wasn't, you know, tacky to do so. I figure the deck that is basically falling off the side of the house is about the level of tack that I'd like to reach, so down come the Christmas lights the weekend after Christmas.

Now, people have been dragging lights into their houses during the middle of the winter months as a way of "celebrating" the darkness of winter pretty much ever since the house was invented--this custom has been seen especially in the northern hemisphere for millenia. These lights started out as candles and little lanterns and lightning bugs strung out on crack, so it makes sense that some people would prefer the all-white miniature lights that are very common today. My wife is one of these miniature-light elitists people. Over the course of the nine years of wedded bliss, I've been conditioned to like the happy little white lights as well.

Deep down inside, however, I love the multi-colored lights. She has relented in her "no colored lights" stance and has allowed me to string some red and green lights in the front bushes. It's all very pretty...but in an Italian flag sort of way.


As much as I love Christmas lights, and as much as I love multi-colored lights, I have an issue with the LED lights that are beginning to become more popular.

I realize the appeal of the LED lights in that they last longer, use less energy, and don't have that whole one-light-burns-out-and-the-whole-string-is-fucking-useless-now-where-is-that-fucking-useless-fucking-bulb-I'm-going-to-throw-the-whole-fucking-string-away-oh-here-it-is-and-it's-been-broken-and-holy-fuck-I-just-gashed-open-my-fucking-finger-on-the-fucking-broken-glass-season-of-peace-and-joy-my-ass thing. I think all of these things are great, plus it gives electrical engineers something to do during the summer months. Not to mention, they're a fantastically practical use of all that gallium and indium we have just lying around, taking up space.

But, there's just something...odd...about a display made up of all these LED lights. It's like the blues are too blue. They burn my eyes with their blueness. I look at them while I'm driving by on my way home, and my eyes sort of lose focus and drool starts to run down my chin a little bit. I begin to hear voices and angels trumpeting the glory of God in the highest. It's all a little disconcerting. Not to mention, it's slightly dangerous to be driving down the roads like that.

It's like it's not even blue anymore, but instead it's some sort of portal into an alternative universe where up is down, left is right, cats love dogs, and Tiger Woods only plays 72 holes in a weekend. *shudder* I don't want to go to that universe.

The rest of the LEDs? They've fine. They're great. I love them. I applaud them. *slow clap* But, the blues? No thank you. They're just so wrong in their intensity. Plus, that whole portal to another, more terrible dimension just isn't my cup of tea. I prefer my portals to hell to be more of the coven of thirteen witches variety. Wait, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase. A coven of thirteen sexy witches variety.



Besides, we all know Muddy Waters made the best blues around.