Personal Failing

If you are familiar with the story of the Odyssey, you might recall that Odysseus plied the waters of the Mediterranean for several years after the end of the Trojan war, sharing in madcap adventures with his crew, getting up to all sorts of antics on the shore, fighting monsters, and sticking his dick in just about anything that he could stick his dick in.  I'm looking at you, Calypso.

As one familiar with the Odyssey, you probably remember the Sirens.  The Sirens were a group of comely young women with beautiful voices who sang across the waters surrounding their island home, promising riches and carnal delights to anyone bold enough and capable enough of plying their waters.  However, when the lusty sailor reached the island of the Sirens, hoping to partake of their sensual delights, the Sirens ripped him apart and ate him, swallowing down his flesh and bone--and not swallowing in the good way, and not the naughty, fun kind of bone, either.

The Sirens' Song has thus come to be connected with anything that carries with it an allure of the forbidden:  we know that it's not a good idea to go visit the Sirens' island, but, damn, look at the ass on that singing demon, would you?  It might be worth having my flesh rent from my bones and my blood staining the waters near the isle if only I could feel the firm curve of her breasts upon my palms...

Along those same lines, we know it's wrong to eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies, and yet...

Okay, fine.  I caved and went full motherfucking cookie monster on those things.  It's easy; there's like five in a package anymore.  Each packing 7000 calories of sweet, chocolaty (or peanut buttery...or even better, chocolaty peanut buttery!!!) deliciousness, they go down a little too easily.  Sure, I broke my self-imposed cookie ban, but it was worth it.

So.  Fucking.  Worth it.

Though the self-imposed cookie embargo has been broken, I'm still ice cream free, which I consider to be a victory of sorts.  The Girl Scout cookies were just a small blip on the old radar, something that happens once a year.  I can get past this, no problem, and be back on my cookie tee-totaling ways soon enough.

Of course, the sooner I get the last of these things out of the my house, the better.  The most efficient way I know of ridding myself of the Girl Scout cookie menace is to shove entire sleeves of thin mints down my gullet.  Chewing?  That shit's for sissies.  Savoring the Samoa that I just threw into the back of my throat means there's less time for me to start eating the NEXT Samoa in the package.  Or Caramel Delight.  Or whatever the fuck happy sappy slappy name they've hung on the cookies this year.

Eventually, I'll pick the cookie embargo back up, but it won't be until I am without Girl Scout cookies.  Fortunately, the sales are done.  Now we just have finish off the stockpiled wafers of deliciousness and I can get back to life without these sweet, little treats.

Just, let me have one more before we go...

A New Hope

The scene descends upon a dimly-lit, black-and-gray control room. Three figures are in the room. Wide windows open to a sweeping vista of the inky darkness of space, a thousand stars thrown across the velvety blackness. To the right, the glowing arc of a blue-and-green planet can just be seen. One of the figures is sitting in a chair above the other two. The two lower figures' attentions are fixed on the figure sitting.

Palpatine: Now, young Skywalker, behold the power of this fully-armed and functioning battle station! Palpatine presses a button. You may fire when read--

Off-camera, there is a persistent, hollow, metallic knocking.

Palpatine: What the? Guards, open the door.

Two red-cloaked Imperial Guards move to open the door. Two doors slide apart mechanically. Revealed are two girl scouts in full uniform, eyes bright, smiles wide

Girls in unison: Good afternoon, sir. Would you be interested in helping fund our Girl Scout troupe by buying some delicious Girl Scout cookies? They are only $3.50 a box. You can even donate boxes of cookies for troops stationed on the front lines.

Palpatine: apoplectic What the? How did you get in here? Who let you in?

Girl Scout 1: We were just making the rounds, sir. Your chamber was next.

Girl Scout 2: Someone named 'TK-421' let us into this hallway.

Palpatine: groans Oh, that guy is always missing his assignments. Anyway, go, shoo, begone. I want none of what you're selling.

Girl Scout 1: big eyes fill with tears, low lip quivers But...but...

Palpatine: No. No! There will be none of that. Get out of here and don't try making me feel guilty.

Girl Scout 2: My mom was right. You are a big jerk!

Luke: Hold on just a second. I'd like a couple of boxes. Um, why don't you put me down for two boxes of Thin Mints and...aw, heck, a couple of Peanut Butter Patties as well. You take Republic Credits?

Girl Scout 2: Hey, if it spends, we take it.

Palpatine: to Luke Stop that! You'll only encourage them. Turns to girls Look, girls, this is a really bad time right now. We're in the middle of a sort of 'this ends here' thing. So, why don't you come back in a little while and we'll sort this out.

Luke: Oh, and a box of Lemonades, too. 3PO loves those things.

Vader: What? Someone's been tinkering with his programming I see.

Luke: No way. He's got this whole yellow fetish thing. It's really...well, we'll just say it's messy. I've never seen someone spring so many 'fluid leaks' when we're on Naboo with their stupid yellow fighters.

Vader: Oh, God, those things are ugly. I can't tell you how many times I tried to get your mother to get someone to change the designs on those things, but she wouldn't budge. She said it was her planet, she'd run it how she saw fit. shakes head

Vader and Luke simultaneously: Women!

Palpatine: Will you two take this seriously? Turns to girls: Like I said, if you just come back later.

Vader: Hold it. Before you go, I want some Thin Mints, some Peanut Butter Patties and a box of Thanks-a-Lot.

Palpatine: What? Not you, too. That doesn't even make sense! You eat through a freaking tube!

Vader: waves Palpatine to silence ...and about five boxes of Samoas!

Girl Scout 1: Actually, they're called Caramel Delights. Apparently, the Island People didn't like being associated with all that coconut, caramel and chocolate. They said it was 'offensive' or something.

Vader: Man, that's weak.

Luke: Oh, I can't believe I forgot the Samoas!

Girl Scout 2: Caramel Delights!

Luke: Whatevs. I'll take three boxes of those. No, make it four. I do like the coconut. You should totally try the Lemonades, too, pops.

Vader: Oh, I don't know. I'm buying a lot already. Ah, what the heck. I'll take a Lemonade, too!

Luke: You won't be sorry!

Girl Scout 1: And would you like to donate any cookies for the troops on the front lines, sir?

Luke: No, no, that's alright. It kind of helps me out if those guys have low morale, if you get where I'm coming from here.

Palpatine: sputtering Alright. Stop it. I told you to cut it out! You've forced my hand. stands and holds hands out in front of him, firing purple lightning at Luke Actually, you've forced both my hands! cackles

Luke: Ahhhhhhhh! It burns! It burns! And your puns are terrible.

Palpatine: You're not in a position to be judging my jokes, boy. shoots him with lightning again If you won't join me in not buying the cookies from the Girl Scouts, then, young Skywalker, you will die. more lightning and cackles

Vader looks from Palpatine to Luke to the Girl Scouts back to Palpatine then to the Girl Scouts and down to Luke and to the Girl Scouts...scene goes on longer than it probably should before he steps over, picks up Palpatine and chucks him into the power core shaft

Luke: slowly climbing to his feet Man, this place is just chock full of design flaws.

Vader: Again, no one consults me on these things. So, are we done here? looks over to Girl Scouts

Imperial Guard: Yeah, so, two boxes of Thin Mints and two Samoas, please.

Girl Scout Two: Caramel Delights!

Everyone: laughs

Vader: So, wanna go get a drink? We've got some catching up to do.

Luke: Sure, I'm good. It's not like I have to get back down there shakes head in direction of Endor, looming in the window or anything. Damn, I've felt so dirty since Obi-Wan told me about that whole sister thing.

Vader: How is old Obes these days?

Luke: Well dad, you kind of killed him...

Vader: Oh, right...

Six weeks later

Vader and Luke are sitting in the old Jedi temple on Coruscant, surrounded by boxes of Girl Scout cookies

Vader: Confound it! That old bastard was right. This is impractical! Luke, help me get this helmet off.

Luke: But, father, you'll die.

Vader: holding up a Caramel Delight These things are worth it, boy! Now, help an old man out, would ya?

Luke helps Vader take off his helmet, revealing a scarred, pallid face beneath it. Vader promptly pops a Caramel Delight into his mouth and chews, smiling. His breathing stutters, and his eyes look pained

Luke: Come on, father, let's get you some help.

Vader: shoves another cookie into his mouth It's too late for me, my son. shoves two Lemonades into his mouth and chews Oh, these are delicious. You were right, Luke. Tell your sister, you were right. dies

Luke: Oh, father. sighs Well, I guess that means more Samoas for me.

Girl Scout (off camera): Caramel Delights, goddammit!

end

If you want Girl Scout cookies, let me know. I'll even mail them to you.