Happy Pi Day!

As a man who has enjoyed a few sugary treats over my forty years of life, I have come to the conclusion that desserts fall into three categories:  cake, ice cream, and pie.  All desserts are just some subset of these three, with pudding being the superfamily over all of them.  See what I did there, Britain?  No angry messages left in the comments.

Bears...always funny.

Each one of these delicious treats has a certain aura and mystique surrounding them.  Cake, for instance, is celebratory.  Marking another successful circuit around the sun on an annual basis after springing forth from your mother's womb?  Have some cake!  Finally shuffling off that employment coil and heading into the sunset of retirement?  Have some cake!  Decided to stick your dick in one vagina for the rest of your life?  Cake me, baby!  Even at bachelor parties, the stripper jumps out of a cake.  Cake is for celebrating.  You're never having sex again?  Let's eat cake! 

Ice cream is fun.  Hot day?  Let's have some ice cream.  Celebrating a birthday?  Well, hell, let's have some ice cream along with that cake (see paragraph 2).  On a date?  Well, we're not quite to the marriage and wedding cake step, so let's have some ice cream!  Even the ice cream man drives around in a fun, festive cart with Pop Goes the Weasel or some other song from your childhood blaring over the loudspeakers while he patrols the neighborhood like some sort of angry, frozen dairy treat bearing predator of the sea.  Sure, he has his victims bound and gagged in the back of his festive refrigerated van, but, man, for a few moments while you're picking out the overpriced, frozen dairy treat from the menu on the side of the truck, the ice cream man sure seems fun!  Who wants a side of chloroform to go with this drumstick knock-off?  Me!!!!!!...zzzZZZzzz...

I went to a dark place again, didn't I?

Pie, however, isn't really celebratory (the stripper doesn't jump out of a giant pie, does she?), nor is it as fun as ice cream (man, this pie just doesn't fit into the sugar cone like I was hoping!).  No, pie is something completely different.

Pie is pure sex.

Pie is a lot of work.  Sex is a lot of work.  When you make pie, you have to make the crust, you have to fill the crust, and then you have to put another crust over the top of the filling.  And the crust?  Yeah, it's so flaky and delicious because it has lots of layers.  There's some sex pun in there, but it's late and I can't be bothered to connect the dots.  When you make cake, you just dump some stuff into a bowl, crack a few eggs, stir, bake, done.  You don't need to frost cake; cake is pretty damned delicious as is.  Frosting is just...well, the icing on the cake!

No, pie is something more, something that is in tune with the deepest seated needs and wants of our psyche.  Eating pie makes us feel good, sure, but it also makes us feel a little naughty after enjoying it.  There's something a little lascivious about enjoying a pie. 

Indeed.

Hell, pie is even used as a euphemism--and I use that term lightly--for sex.  A woman's vagina has been likened to a slice of pie for a long time running.  Maybe it's because the shapes of the two are somewhat similar in appearance.  Maybe it's because they're both delicious.  Maybe it's because your face is a mess when you eat either of them without using your hands.  I'm not sure, but I do know that it does sound a lot nicer to liken a vagina to a pie than it is to describe it as cakey in any way.  When Eugene Levy was encouraging Jason Biggs to shove his dick in a dessert, he didn't tell him to fuck a cake.  No sir.  It was pie!  American Pie!  Yum.  *pukes*

 And, do I really need to mention Warrant and their assault on our early 90's radio experiences?  I didn't think so.  But it tastes so sweet it makes a grown man cry...

I apologize for any and all earworms this spawns.

Even though there's no real relationship between the value pi, which is the ratio of the diameter of a circle to it's circumference, and pie the delicious, salacious treat, we've still come to associate the dessert pie with March 14th, which is 3.14...or the first three digits of pi the mathematical value.  At least in America.  Those silly Europeans write March 14th as 14.3...so they don't celebrate pi day until the 31st of April.

Oh.  Right.

So, join me today in celebrating a unique number, pi, by treating yourself to a lascivious and tasty indulgence, pie the round circle dessert.  Oh, hey!  There's our connection!

Mind.  Blown.  Indeed.

Release the Mob

Get your pitchforks and torches ready, everyone. We're burning stuff again, and this time it has nothing to do with the Dixie Chicks nor France. Shocker, I know. Remember a few days ago when Stephenie Meyer produced her latest Buffy rip-off masterpiece book piece of crap, Breaking Dawn? Remember how everyone has fallen all over themselves, smacking their lips and breathing heavy into the phone over how great this was supposed to be?

Not so fast, chief. Seems as though the book is being returned in record numbers now. It's apparently caused some disgruntled fans to organize a book burning tour just to get rid of the piece of shit from their house. Well done. Well done.

All of this comes on the heels of the stories and articles about how this was so much different than Harry Potter, but I assume those people were talking about how it was better. I guess that it is better than Harry Potter in that Deathly Hallows did not cause people to want to get together and test that whole 451 Fahrenheit thing.

There's an enormous discussion at Amazon.com talking about returning the book rather than burning it, because if you burn it, Meyer still gets royalties off of the book. Frankly, I don't know if I like that, because rationality and commonsense are two things I don't look for in my angry mobs. I guess this is what you get when you crap a book out in six months. I understand it's one thing to try and satisfy your fans as soon as possible...if I had any...but I also understand putting an effort into making the book something you are proud of.

I think worst of all--at least from Meyer's standpoint--is that her fans are ready to abandon her. Even though there were a lot of disappointed fans after Deathly Hallows (myself and the comely and buxom Boudicca are in that camp), I don't remember a lot of people wanting to never read anything by J.K. Rowling ever again. So, I think I'm going to append that list I made a few months ago about what I never want to do when it comes to writing.

The Meyer Syndrome: Cranking out a book so horribly written and so poorly executed with such a weak plot that my readership wholeheartedly abandons not only the book and/or the series, but my writing altogether.

That ought to about do it. Now, I'm off to light some torches.

A Random Thought

You know...the Beijing Olympics better have an epic fireworks display for the opening ceremonies. I mean, seriously, they better make Gandalf's CGI display from The Fellowship of the Ring look like a party favor. I want to see fireworks dragons wrestling in the skies over China, and maybe throw in some sharks. With freakin' lasers on their heads. Yeah, fireworks dragons fighting hammerhead sharks.

Make it so.