This pretty much says it all:
You Are a Colon |
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As I traipsed up to the mailbox this afternoon, I was suddenly shocked and taken aback to discover that I received a letter simply postmarked "Central Mordor". Worried that some gog-eyed, fish-eating, hairless freak had sold me out for my simian larceny, I snuck behind the nearest pine tree and opened the envelope. To my great surprise, I learned that I had won a coveted blogging award, and the granter was none other than his wooden cubedness himself, Eric Rider, keeper of Rider's Block.
Of course, I had to celebrate this sensational, and frankly monumental, moment in my life.
Once I was done with what became a very dirty letter, I read through all the things I have to do in order to claim my prize. At first, I was angry with all the hoops I had to jump through in order to claim this lovely slice of heaven, but then I realized, "This is the internet, and dammit, sometimes you have to jump through hoops in order to maintain the high level of integrity demanded by the internet!" Besides, apparently, I've been nominated to be Rider's Padawan, thanks to my fascination with what's inside Leelee Sobieski's shirt and my love of transcribing snarky comments into hovertext over all the pictures I steal from the internet.
First, the requisite picture of the award, courtesy of Arte y Pico:
And now, onto the esteemed five poor saps winners!
1) Homebrew and Chemistry: Here is the perfect co-mingling of two of my absolute favorite things not involving D-cups and Indiana basketball, beer and chemistry. Eric the Mad-Brewer spends his daytime hours molding the minds of America's youth as it pertains to the molding and reformulating of matter, otherwise known as chemistry. To be able to reshape existence as it pertains to your view of the world is akin to wielding the power of a god; to teach others how to do it is akin to wielding the power of the Jedi Council.
2) Lisa-Tastrophies: Her recounting of the tale wherein she purchased a Battery Operated Buddy for a friend is some of the greatest comedic genius I've ever witnessed since those waning days of my senior year of college when, unfortunately, Sparklebelly was born. Sadly, Lisa has a conscience (known as her mother), which means some of her stories are somewhat muted, but when it comes to rants, hers are tops among the PG-rated crowd.
3) Frank (slept here): The man loves robots, sleeping and bacon, which should be enough for the award in and of itself, but he also, for a while, sported a tagline which cames from the depths of my own insanity: "Frank (slept here): Come for the comedy, stay for the pop culture references." Plus, he lives in Chicago, and if there was a city that I would claim as my second home, it would be sweet home Chicago. Despite all of the Illinois Nazis (I hate Illinois Nazis!).
4) What Does It Mean? Nothing!: Jidai runs a blog that deals with reflections on a younger him, graphic novels, obscure references and movies, which is what this blog would be if it wasn't for all the pictures of Leelee Sobieski, novel-writing, and fart jokes. From the moment I clicked over after seeing him pop up in Frank's comments, he became a daily read, and he'll be the first person I tell if I ever manage to successfully keep down a piece of raw eel.
5) Scribe of Blackridge: In the fifth grade, Joel was my best friend. His love of G.I.Joe and Transformers, not to mention the fact that he lived two blocks from me, made him the coolest kid in town, as far as this reporter could see. Unfortunately, life intervened, and he had to move away later in the year, shattering my heart. However, there was this thing called the post, which moved slowly but kept us in touch for a while, until we inevitably fell out of touch. Then, through the magic of the ebays (and my clever trick over at Classmates.com), we were reunited, and it felt so good. Now we talk from time to time, blog more often, and Joel is, to this point, the only human being who has read through the entirety of the rough editions of both King of Shadows and King of Thistles, praising both entirely too much, at least according to this reporter. He's now (unknowingly) become my sounding board who will, inevitably, end up in all of my acknowledgments, thanks to his opinions.
Thanks again to Eric Rider for the keen award. Now that I've claimed it, it shall be set neatly upon the shelf next to my Golden Hound, which I won in the third grade for a poster urging you to knock your dog's nuts off, for the sake of the planet. Unlike Bob Barker, I didn't get to stand next to Heather Kozar as a part of my awards ceremony.
Disclaimer for the winners:
1) Pick 5 blogs that you think deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.
I think I'm going to go blind spamming my own blog. The nuns said something about that or masturbation, I'm not sure. I was too busy playing with myself in order to pay attention.
Anyway, all my autoerotic exercises aside, I figured it was time to find out just what I was wanted for in the Wild West of Cyberspace.
Apparently, it's larceny. Better, it's monkey-theft.
Created by OnePlusYou
With that $2500 reward hanging over my head, I went tossing the place looking for the adorable little feller. Unfortunately, my search came up empty. Naturally, I asked the most powerful being I know: Wizard Cat.
Turns out that plucky little puss of prestidigitation [1] ate said 
stolen monkey. Now I'm in quite a bind. I need to either cough up the $2500 to clear my name, or keep feeding Wizard Cat delicious monkeys to eat, so that he will continue to keep my house hidden from the roving posses of bounty hunters. This is quite a predicament, to be certain. However, I could be in for quite a show as I'm sure the day will come when Wizard Cat will be going toe-to-toe with Boba Fett. Hopefully, I can stay away from carbonite chambers...
[1] I spelled prestidigitation correctly without looking.
Remember the Cuss-O-Meter? Sure you do, it was just the last post. Anyway, while I was playing around with it (the Cuss-O-Meter site, you perverts), I came across a robot quiz.
Created by OnePlusYou
I realize a 69% isn't that stellar, but a couple of the robots were a bit difficult to see. Plus, I didn't feel like looking some of them up in google just to make sure I was right or not. See, I may have a foul mouth, but I don't cheat.
Except on diets.
Whilst doing my usual blog perusal this evening ere I set forth to do a little typing of my own, I came across the Cuss-O-Meter. Thanks to one fan who constantly updated Shawon Dunston's batting average while he was with the Cubs and held the sign aloft from the bleachers, dubbing it the Shawon-O-Meter, I've been rather interested with things ending in "O-Meter" (not to be confused with "O'Meter", which is a unit of measurement in Ireland). With this in mind, I dove straight into the Cuss-O-Meter to see just how filthy I am.
Here's the results:
Created by OnePlusYou
Holy fucking shit, Batman. 
That's a lot of swearing! Granted, they're only counting pages containing cussing, and not the actual thirteen words you should never say (I thought there were only 11. Not if you're a sailor!). I'm guessing if we went for a total saturation, I'd be a lot higher. It's a good thing there's not a law of conservation of swearing, because I'd be in serious violation. I'd go back and try to up it by inserting a cleverly placed foul word, but that would skew the results, and I want my impurity results to be as pure as possible. Er, something like that.
Still, at that 31.1%, I'm a whopping 211% higher than most other sites you find on the internet. And to that, I say, fuckin' aye!
Not to worry, dear readers. I know that a few of you just threw up in your mouth a little bit over the thought that I have gone and procreated yet again!. To allay your fears, I'll point you toward the birthday post. Not a lot of teh sex is going on whilst one of the partners is bent over the sink trying to puke and the other is constructing a tale of a moldy, melty piece of cheese found in his car whilst cleaning it out the previous week[1].
No, I've just gone and added something to the side bar, because I don't have near enough shit over there. Not only have I updated a few more Inspirational Reads [2], but I've also added a "What I Am Doing" section that's supposed to add a touch of accountability to my whole writing process.
To that end, allow me to translate my vernacular.
Pimpin' = Trying like hell to get an agent to pick this book up and sell it to an editor/publisher.
Editin' = Either actually sitting down and making things flow better or rewriting passages in an otherwise completed book in order to make it better.
Scribin' = Either banging away at the keys, weaving together words into the tapestry of a tale, or sitting in a cafe checking out women carefully penning potential portions of a prospective parable [3] whilst sipping soothing Starbuckian stimulants [4].
If I can come up with another category, maybe I'll toss that one in there, too. Avoidin'? Ignorin'? Backburnerin'? Who knows.
[1]: If you ever need to inspire someone to vomit, this does the trick.
[2]: Inspiration not guaranteed
[3]: I like alliteration
[4]: Maybe too much
I haven't been posting a lot lately. My kids went to visit their grandparents last week for spring break, and I've been doing a lot of work around the house trying to get it ready to put on the market so we can move. Exhaustion has been, well, an understatement, to be honest. There's still a lot to do. I have to finish hanging the baseboards in the bathroom downstairs. I have a few more screws to screw into the shutters on the second story. I have to pound some edgers down into the ground around one of the beds I made at the back of the house and I have to finish putting the edging in on the bed I made at the side of the house, plus I need to put down some more mulch and some more stones in various beds. This is not to mention all the mowing and edging I need to get done, too. I guess I just need to find the right tools for the jobs at hand.
On top of this, I'm starting up a new project at work. It's fun, but it's got some tougher chemistry involved, plus, I've got so much to read when it comes to papers and such. There's a whole bunch of biology to learn, there's biological tests and assays I have to familiarize myself with, and then there's just the new chemistry that has to be learned (I did a Baeyer-Villager the other day...and it was fucking sweet).
The thing that's tired me out the most, though, is the whole writing thing. It's not that I have a lack of topics swirling around in my mind; quite the opposite, to be honest. But, also, honestly, it's tough to find the time. I just put the kids down to bed and I still have to gather up the trash and take it out and straighten up the kitchen. By the time I'm done with that, it'll be well after nine, and already I need to start getting ready for tomorrow when I get to do it all over again.
The thing that I'm most tired of, though, is rejection. Yeah, I got two more emails this week telling me thanks but no thanks. Or whatever the form rejection is these days. It's not us, it's you. It's just not what we're looking for. Grow a larger copulation organ now. All of that crap. It's soul-crushing. I realize you have to keep trying, but I've been working on these things now for years. Too many years to even think about, because when I do, I just get depressed more. I've progressed very well on the whole Hundred Kings Saga thing, but now I'm getting to the point of wondering why should I even bother? I pour my heart and soul into carefully crafting a land and characters to populate the land and all the other subtle little nuances that breathe life into a set of words and make them a person and all I get is "Sorry, no." 
I guess the big problem is that I'm tired of the form letter. You know, you could at least put my name in the title of the email. "Dear Author" just doesn't cut it. Blegh. Thanks for carefully considering my book/letter/synopsis. Next time, introduce yourself right before you kick me in the nuts, okay?
Maybe I'm slitting my own throat with this post, but I just don't care anymore. I just don't. I'm out. I'll probably keep working on the stories, but they'll be all mine. I'll be happy with the way they end and how they work out. But, I won't cry over the little details that I've worked in only to have some heartless assistant send me a form rejection letter. Screw that. I don't need that stress on top of it. That's right, I'm giving up. Even though we didn't give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, I'm giving up now.
So, this is the end. I'm getting out of the writing business, for a long while. That means things will slow down here even more. Don't worry, I'll still be puttering around your sites (I mean, I have to have something to do between reading ring-closing metathesis papers) and still providing my soulful wit in your comments sections. But, for the most part, I've ridden off into the sunset. 
Thanks, all. It's been fun.
Sayonara.
I'll let Bender say the rest.
I dropped the ball last week with the whole characters thing. I got it to you on Tuesday, but still. I'm not going to post one tonight. Also, I haven't gotten the map finished yet (not even started...there, I admitted it). I've been a little busy trying to get the house on the market.
Anyway, there's a couple of things I wanted to talk about tonight. First, since this post is so old, it didn't pop up in March, but rather in February. As it is, that's below the bigass March Madness post, and so I don't know if people would know to go and look for it. Anyway, here is the initial episode of Throwdown!
Secondly, I spent the better part of an hour today discussing things with the director of medicinal chemistry. We didn't talk much about chemistry, but we did talk a few things about history. He's an Englishman, and he was telling me about how he had just read a book about the English revolutions (the civil war, the passing of power from the king to the parliament) and he was talking about how few people realize that the Dutch actually invaded England and pretty much took over.
The thing was, this was an invited invasion by the English aristocracy, who were afraid of James II's claims that he was righteously set upon the throne of England by God. Worse, he was Catholic. William of Orange happened to be Protestant. Hesitantly, he invaded but ended up winning when the King's soldiers essentially abandoned their allegiance to the crown and sided with William (later known as William III, or "King Billy" by the Scottish).
As I haven't read the whole story of King Billy, I won't go into too many details. I will, however, mention that this story struck a chord with me. In my book (it should be around book III, King of Storms), I was having an issue getting two separate groups together. However, an invited invasion would make sense, especially given the political make-up of the two groups. There's also a familial link (similar to the King Billy story), which would make the plot device work rather well.
Anyway, I have a bit more renewed vigor for the story now. I'm still smoothing everything out, but I've jotted down the plot line of the planned invasion for later use. I apologize again for not having a character sheet ready to go. I'll work on that for tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy the Throwdown.
Wow. I haven't blogged in almost a week. Okay, so maybe it's not that shocking, but I looked at the date of the last one (which I put up with minimal effort...I'll admit) and I was a little shocked. For a while I was cranking one, maybe two blogs a day. Ah, laziness has dragged me into her clutches once again.
In case you were wondering, laziness has beautiful red hair, so it's not much of a struggle to escape her wily clutches.
I digress. What else is new? Certainly not my tangental musings.
Why roll the welcome mat out?
Ah, that's something entirely new. It's because I've been threatened with new readers. Now, I've come to know my readers (one of them in particular rather intimately) and I'm pretty much on a first name basis with all seven of them (it helps that my readers are largely my friends). Now, however, I might have to learn a whole NEW cast of characters.
The reason for this sudden influx is simple: I did a guestblogging stint for a friend's blog where I wrote about what it was like being 24. 24 was not one of my best years (though I did meet my wife, the comely and buxom Boudicca, at that age), but when telling a story, no one wants to read happy tales. They want romance, tragedy and war. 24 pretty much provided all of those things for me. So, I wrote a short summary of the things that went wrong that year and how they were different from how I had envisioned my life unfolding. If you want to read it, you can find it here.
Being the nosy type that I am, I read the comments attached to the guestblogging post. Wow. Was I ever humbled! To anyone who wanders over here from Ex's blog...thank you very much for the kind words. I try to remain humble, but with you people propping up my ego, well, it's tough to not let my opinion of myself suddenly run away. Again, though, thank you all for your very kind words.
Now that I've thanked you, let me warn you: I often don't put in the same amount of thought to my posts here that I did to my post I submitted for the guestblogging. In fact, I recently went on a rant about a particular basketball game where someone criticized the post as being poorly written. It most likely was (note: it is horribly written), but it was more of a visceral reaction to a game rather than anything else.
Another warning: my posts here tend to be more profanity-laced than the one on Ex's site. I fancy myself to be like Kevin Smith, except without the success, money, good looks, man-crush on Affleck and little dick. Okay, so pretty much the only thing I share in common with Kevin Smith is a proclivity toward using the f-word and a hot wife.
So, if you have moseyed on over from Ex's site, I invite you to stay, look around, kick the tires, read up on my life, have at it as you will, and don't get too offended by anything that I say or write. If things seem a bit too empassioned, chances are I was writing more from the gut rather than from the cerebrum.
And, above all, have a good fucking day.
A couple of site updates. One, I've added a new "feature" in the side panel/bar. The "What I'm Reading" idea I stole from Ex-Everything where she listed all the books she had read during the year. So, I'll try to keep the list current. When I'm done, I'll asterisk the title, signifying finishitude.
Second, my friend Joel had a baby...er...well...Mrs. Joel had a baby, and he's pleased as rum punch about the wee bairn. In fact, Joel has decided that his life is now blogtastic, so I've added a link to his site in the friends area. Read it, if you're like me and nosy curious about the goings-on in the Joel household.
Finally, I got my first review! Well, sort of. I need to asterisk this one as well, methinks.
So, I've sent the manuscript for King of Thistles/King of Shadows to a few of my friends who were foolish interested enough to read it. The only one, so far, to get back to me has been the aforementioned Joel. I consider Joel probably my best friend from the fifth grade (he arrived AND moved away all in the span of that fateful year). We conversed via the post for a few years and then sort of drifted away. A couple of years ago, he found me (thanks to me tricking the people at Classmates.com, so that I could post my email in the "free update section"...I'm so effing clever). We got to talking via email and I told him about the book, so he offered to give it a read, and I sent it to him. He read it. All 1400 pages of it, and he offered some kind words of praise. That made me happy, and thereby got me more interested in working toward getting it out there for more people to email me and tell me how good it is. Or at least that they want to read more.
Now, I, too, am pleased as rum punch.
I did get a "review" of sorts when one of my ex-girlfriends sat down and read the book when it was in its infancy (well, perhaps awkward adolescence), and she offered more criticism than review...as in you should change this and that and maybe fix this. I think her overall view was "it's good...but could be a lot better if you tried harder and made these corrections". So, if by chance you ever read this blog, Julie, thanks. I did take some of your suggestions to heart, and I feel it made a much stronger story overall, especially now that we see more of why the king is spiraling into madness.
So, that's it. A renewed vigor to write. I even have a few notes jotted down about a few things I want to add, shift, change, so even the version that Joel has read will be changed slightly. All for the better.
And that ought to play even better in Peoria.
I have another beef with the idiots on the sports talk radio station(s) down here (mmmm...beef...). Well, I have several, but this one has finally irked me to the point that I must rant to the interwebs and the ebays and the blagosphere.
Remember me bitching about Chris Clark here? In there I mentioned that Clark would soon be joined by local ACC shill David Glenn. While I haven't heard that one trick pony talk about how ESPN was beating down the ACC's door for that coveted Thursday night football game (please...) yet, his other oft-repeated, ad nauseum phrase has finally got me to the breaking point. It used to merely irritate me, but now I'm ready to beat someone in the head with a shillelagh (remember, I did go to Notre Dame and scored "Irish" on the European quiz).
Now, I appreciate someone trying to make an extra buck. Honest. Hell, I'm all about trying to make an extra buck or two for my damned self. This David Glenn guy, in addition to being a lawyer and having his own radio show, also does commercials for a jewelry store called Diamonds Direct. I guess they're local, I don't really give two squirts, I'll never shop there. What has me irked is David Glenn's constant reference to his wife in the commercials he does for the joint. It'd be one thing if he just said "My wife has a ring from there, it's pretty". No, instead he includes this epithet for her, not just on the commercial (and it's every commercial, mind), but any time he mentions her when he's on his show, or a spot on another show, or just sitting in for someone else. Always, whenever he opens his mouth, out roll the words "The lovely and talented Maria".
Okay, fine. You love your wife. Bully for you. And, you find your wife attractive and talented. I don't even want to think about what her talents are. I'm sure they involve brass poles. But, Christ, say it once, maybe twice...in your lifetime. There comes a point where even the cutesy crap you try to pull to gain points with your wife become as annoying as an itchy rectum. For this guy, it's about five seconds after opening your mouth.
I wonder if that's what he yells out while they make love. Never mind. I don't really wonder that. In fact, I'm thinking of going all Oedipus on myself now for thinking that. *shudder*
I think, however, that I'm going to start doing the same for my wife. She reads this blog, so why not try to score some points with her? Maybe it'll pay off in the sack. Who knows? Maybe she'll make me a cake for when I get home. Mmmm...cake. Or maybe she'll kick me in the nuts. That's a chance I'll have to take. But, from now on, my wife shall heretofore be known as "The buxom and comely Boudica." I've provided a link so that you can read up on Boudica and, perhaps, understand why I chose that name (in the interest of interweb anonymity, I thought I'd provide the buxom and comely Boudica a little bit of privacy).
Now...I'll just sit back and wait for that cake to appear.
Well, I'm back from vacation, such as it was.
I'll give a quick recap. We went up to Indiana to reclaim my children. They had been with my mother-in-law for about three weeks, lest we forget the near drowning incident. Nothing so ghastly took place over the small break. I did get my eyes checked out and found I need new glasses. I could put it off last year, but not this year. We also celebrated my wife and daughter's birthdays. It was the big 06 for my daughter, which means it was the year for pierced ears.
If you see her, she'll sweep her hair back behind her ears and flash them at you. She's very proud. I won't even tell you that she freaked out pretty bad when the earrings were going in her ears. Oh, crap...
Also spent the day at the zoo in Fort Wayne. It's a fine, fine zoo, one of the best I've ever been to.
Of course, that would be all of three zoos. But, seriously, the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo is awesome. One of the tigers was up pacing around. I had never seen it up and walking around before. Normally it's hidden in the foliage of the tiger pen. That was great. My only complaint about the zoo is that there is a definite lack of bears. They need a North American exhibit with bears and buffalo and elk and such. Just because I've never seen them is all. And some ibex, which I know are European, but are pretty damned cool nonetheless.
Anyway, Sunday was spent with my friend Jason and his family, which was nice because his son was born last year on the day we left Indiana. So, it was our first introduction to little Porter. Oh, by the way, Jason's a homebrewer. Heh.
Monday was the trip home. Like I said, it was a strategic, surgical strike. And we're all here, none the worse for ware, and very happy to be home. I lazed about for another two days before returning to work. Sure, one of those days was a national holiday, but still, I lazed.
Not much else to report, other than US Route 35 in Southern Ohio is a very lonely stretch of road. Very pretty, but not heavily trafficked. I guess I should also report that I have managed to not get a speeding ticket yet again. Go me.
I'll return us to regularly scheduled programming within a few hours.
I'm trying to get through to someone to fix my power at home. It went out this morning around 10:00 am or so. It's not yet back on, but "crews are working on my outage" and yet "there is no timetable as to when your power will be back on." I need to get a hamster and a big wheel.
Sorry for the extended absence, but I took the last four days off. Last week was my daughter's spring break, and we went to the zoo (what a disappointment) on Thursday and then did some shopping and cleaning on Friday and Saturday. I did manage to wedge some more writing in during that time, as well.
I'm not at home, however (obviously, since there's no power there...and no promise of power), but if I do get power this evening, I've sworn to NOT sleep until I have finished the chapter on which I'm currently working. Things have fallen into place, and now I can finish this one and move on toward another chapter. And, I've started writing the climactic battle scenes at the end, so all is good. Things are wrapping up nicely.
In the meantime, feel free to check out a couple of other new blogs I've linked to recently. Ex-Everything is run by the lovely and talented Hottsmugirl from YouThink.com, also known as Kiraa and the girl who made me wet my pants last week when she posted in my comments section. Though I don't agree with her take on music, there are some lovely pictures of her pussy for everyone to enjoy. And, I must say, it's very cute. (That's what you get for pointing out R.E.M.'s shortcomings!)
The other new link is Soupe du Jour, which is run by my very good friend and former room mate Steve Giles. This is great because Steve's recently gone through culinary school and is now working as a sous-chef (I believe) and he seems to be enjoying it quite a bit. Not only that, but he's touched on some great things like the history of spices and their uses in cultures and such. Hopefully there will be more of this in the future, but it's his blog, let him run with it. But, me being the chemistry and food dork that I am (I just finished R. Wolke's second food chemistry book), have found Steve's first two posts to be quite enjoyable. See, that's what happens when you DON'T knock R.E.M.
As for more, hopefully I will have power tonight and I will be able to finish up the chapter I'm currently typing and then I will post about it, as well. Otherwise, I'm just going to have to lay down on that fine new mattress I bought over the weekend.
I'm pulling some new stuff on here. Blogs with pictures are a lot more fun than blogs with just endless rants about why Jimmie Johnson sucks. Or why Kelvin Sampson doesn't. Or why when Led Zeppelin was on a bunch of stuff, they sang about Hobbits. Or pretty much damned anything.
I also made some of those infamous minor changes, mostly just shifting things around. I figure people would want to read OTHER blogs before finding out more about my boring ass life (also a fine blog), so I relegated myself to the bottom (in no large part because my short bio is not exactly a compelling read). And I've added some label groupings, so that if you cruise in from YouThink.com and want a book update (since Cheeseking almost singlehandedly ruined the book forum by being a whiny punk, thus causing me to effectively give the site the finger and head off into the sunset) on either the Boar War, King of Thistles or King of Shadows, you can just click on the updates link or the books link and you'll be taken right to the latest in what I've spewed onto a screen. Lou Two, I hope this helps.
Sorry for the absence. I figured people were tired of reading my random thoughts. Plus, I was coping with the pain associated with the sudden realization that I suck at Buchwald chemistry.
