My Dream

I've been trying to get on Jeopardy for a while now. I probably should have tried harder to do the college championship back when I was in college, but at that point you had to drive to certain locations and try out. Now, you can access online tests to try and qualify for the show as well as try out with the Clue Crew tour bus. Of course then I might just stand there dumbly staring at Kelly or Sarah and miss my opportunity.

And since I have this fanciful fantasy about being on the show, I often dream of a chance to have a Final Jeopardy category pop up with something like "The Periodic Table" or "Notre Dame Football" or something like that. While I haven't successfully made it onto the show (yet), I do play the online game every week--I'm only 30,000 points away from getting a "free" PS3!!! Woot! While this isn't wholly satisfying, I did manage to get "Chemistry" the other day as a Final Jeopardy question. I only read five words before I started looking for the answer. I'm just that awesome.

Anyway, the other day I was watching Jeopardy and, perhaps, the greatest category to fulfill my sick and twisted Jeopardy fantasies (at least the ones where Kelly and Sarah keep their clothes on) popped up: "Elemental Latin". Or it was something akin to that; I was too busy sprouting wood and dealing with diverted bloodflow to pay that much attention.

Essentially, elemental Latin was a category in which they gave you the Latin name for an element, and you had to give the English name. I would have uttered a high-pitched squeal of delight had I been on the show and that particular category popped up.

And then, to top it off, one of the Daily Doubles was in that category. Holy shit! I would have been like "I'm betting it all, Alex, and I'm betting her money, too!" while pointing at the vapid chick standing next to me. The answer was "Natrium", which is not really the Latin name for sodium...it was sort of back-translated. Natrium was the Romans' name (via Egypt) for sodium carbonate. Regardless, the dude who had the Daily Double all to himself botched the question.

Anyway, it got me to thinking what the ultimate Jeopardy board would look like for me:

• Obscure Shit About the Periodic Table
  
• Characters from Bleach
• Tad Williams Books
• Places I'd Like to Put My Mouth on Scarlett Johansson's Body
• REM Songs
• Latin Profanity

I figure, with those, I should be able to expertly coast through, unless I was competing against my clone or, worse, my doppelganger.

And then I thought of what the worst board for me would look like:

• Reasons to Give a Shit about Lost
• Funny Jay Leno Jokes
• We Love Purdue
• Russian Ballerinas
• Vegetables
• Operas that Aren't Madame Butterfly

I'm pretty sure that, if I had to suffer through those categories, I'd just stand there, staring straight ahead, clicker hanging limply and uselessly in my hand.

But I'd be thinking about places I'd like to put my mouth on Scarlett Johansson's body...