Throwdown! Kelvin Sampson versus Brock Samson

A few have complained that I've been a little sports heavy on the site recently, so I have been trying to branch out a little bit. Diversify. You know, like all those investment commercials keep telling me to do. I've brought you the Meet the Characters feature and the Lives of the Saints (though that's only run once...there's been a paucity of good saints to make fun of talk about lately). So now to add to the mix: Throwdown! And, of course, this week's version is...sports related. Sorry.





By the way, this could be the most inspired post I've come up with since the ACC Football teams as Clerks characters one that ran back in September.





The matchup today: Brock Samson, the buff, blond bodyguard (alliterative) from Adult Swim's "Venture Brothers" versus Kelvin Sampson, the dial-happy former coach of my beloved Indiana Hoosiers basketball team. Here are the rules: we go ten rounds, whoever is left standing at the end emerges victorious. Gentlemen, keep it clean. Let's get it on!

Round One: Looks Like:
Brock: Former Notre Dame TE and current NFL draft hopeful, John Carlson.
Kelvin: Former Food Network poobah and Martha Stewart's new bitch, Emeril
Lagasse.
Advantage: Brock. The Bammage just can't come through in the end.





Round Two: Shares a Name With:
Brock: Biblical strongman Samson, who had a soft spot for Delilah, killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, burnt their fields with the flaming tails of foxes, and could not be felled until he sported the Michael Stipe look.
Kelvin: Centigrade's arch-nemisis. Incidentally, one could say that he slew the dreams of thousands of Hoosier fans by talking on the phone too much, thus killing them by wielding the jawbone of an ass.
Advantage: Did I mention Samson killed thousands when he dropped the temple of Dagon on his followers? The Old Testament beats the absolute temperature scale.

Round Three: Enemies
Brock: The Monarch, Baron Werner Underbheit, Phantom Limb, the Cocoon's henchmen, Mol's celibacy
Kelvin: The NCAA rules infraction committee, Michael McRobbie, referees, bad reception, three-way calls, Bruce Weber
Advantage: Brock. Phantom Limb is terrifying; Myles Brand, not so much.

Round Four: Personal Hero
Brock: Race Bannon
Kelvin: Chad from Alltel
Advantage: Brock. While neither will be put off by a bunch of nerds in their van, only Race Bannon has the balls to actually do something about them.

Round Five: Signature Look
Brock: Blond mullet.
Kelvin: Blue oxford with red tie.
Advantage: Kelvin. A mullet versus looking respectable? Hands down this one goes in favor of Kelvin, though it does appear that Brock keeps his hair nice and clean.

Round Six: Leading Lady
Brock: Take your pick. I'll choose the sultry, comely red-headed sexpot and international spy Molotov Cocktease.
Kelvin: Wife Karen, who is a rather fetching lady and steadfastly supports her husband.
Advantage: There's something to be said of the unconditional love of a good wife, and, while Karen is a lovely lady, she's not going to totally kick your ass during foreplay, nor tie you to a bed, set the hotel on fire, and take away your smokes. Molotov Cocktease wins.

Round Seven: Brush with Fame
Brock: David Bowie, who then turned into an eagle and flew off, eliciting the "Dude, the guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird and flew away!" monologue.
Kelvin: John/Johnny (Cougar) Mellencamp, IU alum and big donor to the school, who once told Bob and Tom: "The sun never sets on the cool".
Advantage: "Blood on the Scarecrow" is one of my favorite songs. David Bowie has two differently-colored eyes and a package that makes women swoon. I'm going with Mellencamp on this one. Advantage Kelvin.

Round Eight: Anger Management
Brock: When he's angry, he kills henchmen, trashes supervillains, and hollows out hot women. Also, has a tell-tale facial twitch which warns you that you're about to die.
Kelvin: When he's angry, he takes his jacket off, yells, waves his hands, and stomps. Also, will bench your ass if you don't match up in the 2-3 zone.
Advantage: Brock; you don't want to be a member of the Monarch's cocoon when he goes off. Even if it is just to amuse the Monarch.








Round Nine: Best Defense
Brock: His own two hands; also, once defended Zepplin as being more than "jock rock" and explained that "they were on a lot of stuff" when they sang a song about Hobbits.
Kelvin: 2-3 matchup zone
Advantage: I always prefer man-to-man defense. Brock wins.

Round Ten: Fall from Grace
Brock: In college, killed the deaf quarterback of his varsity squad while in practice, thus getting him expelled from school. Got drunk, trashed his roommates, and joined the army.
Kelvin: 577 illegal phone calls at Oklahoma, 106 illegal phone calls at Indiana. Was bought out and quietly slipped into the night.
Advantage: Brock, again. Kelvin's violations were lame, but they were violations nonetheless. After trashing his roommates, Brock became the body guard of one of them, Thaddeus "T.S." Venture (later known as "Rusty").



At an impressive 8-2 clip, Brock Samson emerges victorious in this initial run of the Throwdown. Better luck next time, Kelvin. Maybe you could call for backup (too soon?). Now, why don't you take a break from kicking ass and go celebrate, big fella.

Cheer, Cheer for Old Notre Dame! GT vs ND preview

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. I was dealing with a particularly immobile chlorine that I really wanted to get off my molecule. So, when it wasn't moving, I was just pissed and didn't feel like sharing my thoughts with the world, because they'd be evil...er, moreso than normal. I was going to do a whole preseason preview special, but, alas, I couldn't find my Magic 8 Ball (I was going to predict Notre Dame's season versus it and we could see who came out better). Alas, we'll have to do this week-by-week, I guess.

Anyway, today kicks off college football season, at least from my perspective, mostly because today is Notre Dame's first game (and I think St. Joe's, but since they don't have their own network, I won't get to see it). Unlike the rest of the world, Notre Dame is opening against a tough opponent, and the pundits are having a heyday. A summary of their comments is in italics, mine regular, unfancy, old unitalacized text. Whee! Let's go.

Notre Dame will lose because they only scored 14 points against Georgia Tech last year, and that was with Brady Quinn, Jeff Samardzija and Darius Walker! Now they have a new quarterback and new receivers and new backfield! They'll lose by three touchdowns!.

I'll remind you that Notre Dame opening AT George Tech last year, the GT crowd was excited, Notre Dame's ranking was overinflated (and thusly their egos). The ground game got it done last year, and they'll probably get it done this year. Walker is gone, but is replaced by a whole slew of really talented, really fast running backs. Samardzija is gone (as well Rhema "Dropped Pass" McKnight), but a whole slew of talented receivers are waiting their turn. Quinn is gone, but it's not like the quarterback situation is barren (i.e. no walk-ons playing backup *cough*Willingham-Davie*cough*). Even with Clausen sitting (hopefully), both Sharpley and Jones were talented, high-caliber recruits coming out of high school (Jones moreso than Sharpley) and both have had time in Weis' offense to be effective once the butterflies go away. Plus, Notre Dame still has John Carlson at Tight End, and we all know who he looks like.

Notre Dame's defense stinks! They'll lose for sure!

True, Notre Dame's defense isn't...good. Or wasn't. Corwin Brown is not Rick Minter, and Rick Minter's defense was enough to hold Georgia Tech to 10 points at home with stud receiver Calvin Johnson in the mix and Reggie Ball quarterbacking. Lest ye forget, Georgia Tech will likewise be breaking in a new quarterback (which is a step up, probably, from that shitstain Reggie Ball), but they lost Calvin Johnson, who basically WAS their offense last year. Notre Dame has a new look on defense, more players in the secondary, and a defensive set that could cause the new quarterback at GT to shit shamrocks.

Charlie Weis is a fat, arrogant prick! Notre Dame deserves to lose! Tell us who the quarterback will be, you smarmy body-double for Jabba the Hutt!

True, Charlie does have some extra pounds, but then, I'm a fat slob myself. The last coach was thin and rollerbladed everywhere on campus...when not hitting the links. And the coach before that wanted a hot dog, but couldn't get into the rotating hot dog vending machine at 7-11 (nor could he break out of a predictable ground game...option right, option left, run up the middle). As far as not telling the media who the starter would be, fuck 'em. Let Jon Tenuta stew over it a little bit. I actually hope that both Sharpley AND Jones come out on the first series and they pull a trick play out of their ass and score 6. And then Crewcut Charlie, Robot Genius, can smirk all the way through the game.

Sorry, but Chan Gailey's squad has been perrenial underachievers in an underachieving conference. Yeah, they went to the championship game in the ACC last year because the ACC had 12 teams with the ferocity of a litter of kittens. The coaching might rests heavily on Notre Dame's side, and not just because Charlie is equal to about three Chan Gaileys. Ever see Charlie's assorted collection of rings? Chan? Not so much.

Prediction: ND 27, GT 17.

Quick Thoughts

Just a few thoughts that ran through my head over the past few days. I'll have a more full review of the beer fest later (it was a blast), but in the meantime, here's this.

- I've pretty much decided that, if I can either get someone to watch Thomas for me or if he settles down a little bit, I'll probably coach Madeleine's soccer team next fall. Maybe this spring, if she wants to do spring soccer. I think Coach Doug's son will be moving on to the 7 & 8 year olds next year, so that would leave no one to coach what is now her team (apparently, there's no guarantee that you'll get the same players next year...harumph). Anyway, I guess I'm mad with power. My robot genius mind needs to teach kids.

- Joe Girardi interviewed with the Cubs. Offer him a contract. Now.

- If you discover a half of a watermelon in the back of your fridge that you forgot about, don't assume those big, black, sunken-in areas are seeds. That's probably mold eating away at the flesh of the fruit.

- There's not much more disgusting than mold growing on hot-dog chili. That's literally a "pick yer poison" matchup right there.

- I was reading up today about who would win in a fight between Brock Samson and Wolverine. Naturally, it's Brock Samson. Only Jesus can defeat Brock Samson, but only just barely.

- Speaking of Brock Samson, don't look him on the internet while at work. Apparently, there's a porn starlet whose last name is Samson, and her big old fakies pop up on the screen. Just a warning.

- No, seriously, get Girardi a contract.

- College basketball starts this weekend. Why the hell must the two best sports in the world coincide like this? Can't we push basketball back just a hair, so that March Madness becomes April Madness, and it takes up more of baseball?

- I really need to update my beer list.

- In fact, I need to update my webpage as a whole. Expect major overhauls within the month.

- I need a digital camera to better track my drunkenness at beer fests. And other worthy pictures.

- I've decided not to do NaNo this year. I was going to try and slam together the finish of The Boar War in order to get to the NaNo project. However, Boar War is coming along nicely, and I don't want to rush it. I'd rather take my time and do Boar War right and try to shop it. If that takes up part of November, sobeit. Overall, it'll make me a happier person.

- Never, ever, drink Steel Reserve. Ever.

That is all.