I Creaned My Pants

Okay, so most of you didn't fall for my juvenile April Fool's Prank from the other day.

Hopefully, you'll appreciate my juvenile potty humor.

No? Well, tough.

Anyway, as I was laying down my little head upon the soft pillows of my bed late Monday night, I flipped over to ESPN because I wanted to catch the scores of the NIT semis. Fortunately, I was lying there when the NCAAM news came up. Much to my surprise, I saw the words "Indiana will name Marquette head coach Tom Crean to the same position."
I thought for a moment that I had misread. Or that I had fallen for some April Fool's Prank. Except that it was after midnight, and the collective brain trust at the World Wide Leader isn't half so clever as to concoct this clever ruse.
At the time, I was unsure how I felt about the hire. I felt it was good that a highly-respected coach had left a program he had returned to glory for Indiana, despite the daunting task in front of him. However, to be quite honest, I wasn't wowed by the hire. I felt it was probably a good move, but after that I didn't have much to say. So, I slept on it.

I woke up Wednesday, and I was fired up. I began to think about how Tom Crean had taken a Marquette team that had gone through a slump since the golden era of Al McGuire and built them into a perennially ranked team that was very seldom mentioned for being on the dreaded bubble in March. I thought about Dwyane Wade, Travis Diener and how he led his teams to two victories over Kentucky (sorry Ψ * Ψ) in the NCAA tournament. I thought about Dominic James and how Tom Crean recruited him out of Indiana. I thought about Jerel McNeal shooting light's out against Notre Dame in the Big East tournament. Everything I could think about Tom Crean was positive, aside from how, at times, he looks a little bit like Tom Arnold. But, fuckin' aye, if that's all you've got going against you, you're doing something right.

It seems, thanks to the guys at Inside the Hall (which is the best Indiana basketball blog going) who have provided several link dumps (and yes, I've read all of the included links) giving a national perspective on Indiana's hire, that everyone else around the country also thinks that this was a good hire by Indiana. I've heard nothing but positives, whether it's local ass clown David Glenn talking about it or I'm reading a story on Yahoo! sports (I try to avoid columns on the World Wide Leader's website). The only negatives I've heard are from Illinois fans, and they all are saying that Crean made a huge mistake by coming to Indiana. And by "all" I mean Deadspin's own Will Leitch and Foul Balls' Tom Fornelli. And, if you can get under Illinois fans' skin, then you're doing something right.

I think I was surprised more than anything on Tuesday night, which is why I wasn't jumping around making an ass of myself when I read the news. However, Wednesday morning, I was basically doing just that because I was so fired up. I think Crean is going to last a long time at Indiana, he's going to right the ship, he's going to rebuild a program with a proud tradition, and he's going to get in players who aren't going to have character issues like the current crop of players seem to excel at having. I only wish that Indiana had been smart enough two years ago to offer Crean the job; apparently, from what I read, they talked to Crean about the position but ultimately ended up going with Sampson. At least this time they seem to have gotten it right.
As excited as I am, I can only imagine that Marquette fans are feeling the exact opposite. This was a total surprise to me; I can imagine that this was a total blindside to them. At the outset, I figured Tom Crean was the darkest of the dark horse candidates, because he was paid top money by Marquette and had a long contract in place. Indiana's athletic department is notoriously parsimonious, and they've got quite a few football coaches they're still paying for doing their typical underwhelming jobs at Indiana. To go out and hire Crean away from Marquette, and pay him top dollar was totally unexpected. I'm glad to see that Indiana, the president and the trustees are willing to do what it will take to get their basketball program fixed and back on track.

Again, though, I feel bad for Marquette fans. They lost a helluva coach on Tuesday, and I can understand if they're angry, disappointed and sad. I had the same emotions going through me when it was revealed that Sampson had spit in the face of the Indiana tradition and program. I don't have this worry with Crean. Yes, right now, with the NCAA infractions meeting looming, DJ White's graduation, Eric Gordon's bolting for the NBA, and Bassett and Ellis kicked off the team, this could only be considered a lateral move--at best--for Crean. It's not like Marquette is a program that's not steeped in tradition and a solid, venerable basketball program. However, the difference is that I think Crean can take the grimy mess that is Indiana's program and polish it back up to where it is, truly, one of the five best programs in the country (UCLA, North Carolina, Kentucky, Kansas, Duke...pick a top five out of those).

When the luster returns to the program in a couple of seasons (hell, Crean might be able to string together 20 wins with a group of walk-ons and bench players this next season), we as fans will get back to seeing more of this in Bloomington...except with a nice crimson tie and another red banner.

That's a Wrap, People

Well, thank God that's over.

Here's a quick quiz for you: can you think of any team that has ever had a more disappointing 25-8 record? I sure as hell can't. However, this year, this Indiana squad sure has provided that. 25 is a helluva lot of wins, especially for a team in a "power" conference, and yet last night as I watched the slow demise of the team I once had such hope for, I felt relief. Relief that it was over. Relief that things wouldn't get any worse. Relief that, hell, I don't know anymore. Just relief.

That wasn't a first-round tournament game last night. That was George telling Lenny to look down the river and think about the rabbits while he put a bullet in the back of Lenny's skull to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else.

That was Travis taking Old Yeller out back and shooting him.

That was Luke Skywalker taking Vader's helmet off so he could look at him one more time. Hopefully, that will also be Luke burning Vader's body and bringing about an end of his reign of terror.

And, it's not like I didn't see this coming. I picked Arkansas in all of my pools, except one, and that was the one where I was doing it through an Indiana blog, so I felt obligated to pick the Hoosiers. Remember my little lessons about the tournament picking from last year? Yeah. I did learn something.

I think the thing that frustrates me most is the fact that the team has not advanced one bit since November. Yes, they played well and were, at one point, 17-1. That means they went 8-7 over their final 15. In a down Big Ten (one of those losses was to UConn...who bowed out gracefully to San Diego yesterday). With two superstar players on their team, one of them the Big Ten player of the year, the other the Big Ten Freshman of the year.

Eric Gordon is shooting at a torrid 7-50 pace from three over the final few games. You know, I could hit 7 out of 50. I could probably even hit them coming off a screen. I should bolt for the NBA, too. This is the frustration talking, but I'm disgusted in how Gordon has not improved at all this year. His coaches have just "let the leash off". Well, that's great. Good job, fellas. I think Billy Packer (*shudder*) made a good point last night that Gordon should sit down and watch Stephen Curry's game against gonzaga from earlier in the day. That's how a shooter and scorer should move. Be smart, Eric: come back for at least one more year and learn how to play something other than AAU style ball. Be smart, Indiana: get a coach that can properly utilize talent.

I guess the silver lining here is that the Dan Dakich era is over. Sorry, Danny, you did good against Michael Jordan. Strolling the sidelines at your alma mater, however, not so good. I think your fate was sealed with the 30 point loss to Michigan State.

However you slice it, the season is over and it was a tremendous disappointment. I still have 31 games left to watch, but it's going to take a lot to get this sour taste out of my mouth.

Where's the gin?

Throwdown! Kelvin Sampson versus Brock Samson

A few have complained that I've been a little sports heavy on the site recently, so I have been trying to branch out a little bit. Diversify. You know, like all those investment commercials keep telling me to do. I've brought you the Meet the Characters feature and the Lives of the Saints (though that's only run once...there's been a paucity of good saints to make fun of talk about lately). So now to add to the mix: Throwdown! And, of course, this week's version is...sports related. Sorry.





By the way, this could be the most inspired post I've come up with since the ACC Football teams as Clerks characters one that ran back in September.





The matchup today: Brock Samson, the buff, blond bodyguard (alliterative) from Adult Swim's "Venture Brothers" versus Kelvin Sampson, the dial-happy former coach of my beloved Indiana Hoosiers basketball team. Here are the rules: we go ten rounds, whoever is left standing at the end emerges victorious. Gentlemen, keep it clean. Let's get it on!

Round One: Looks Like:
Brock: Former Notre Dame TE and current NFL draft hopeful, John Carlson.
Kelvin: Former Food Network poobah and Martha Stewart's new bitch, Emeril
Lagasse.
Advantage: Brock. The Bammage just can't come through in the end.





Round Two: Shares a Name With:
Brock: Biblical strongman Samson, who had a soft spot for Delilah, killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, burnt their fields with the flaming tails of foxes, and could not be felled until he sported the Michael Stipe look.
Kelvin: Centigrade's arch-nemisis. Incidentally, one could say that he slew the dreams of thousands of Hoosier fans by talking on the phone too much, thus killing them by wielding the jawbone of an ass.
Advantage: Did I mention Samson killed thousands when he dropped the temple of Dagon on his followers? The Old Testament beats the absolute temperature scale.

Round Three: Enemies
Brock: The Monarch, Baron Werner Underbheit, Phantom Limb, the Cocoon's henchmen, Mol's celibacy
Kelvin: The NCAA rules infraction committee, Michael McRobbie, referees, bad reception, three-way calls, Bruce Weber
Advantage: Brock. Phantom Limb is terrifying; Myles Brand, not so much.

Round Four: Personal Hero
Brock: Race Bannon
Kelvin: Chad from Alltel
Advantage: Brock. While neither will be put off by a bunch of nerds in their van, only Race Bannon has the balls to actually do something about them.

Round Five: Signature Look
Brock: Blond mullet.
Kelvin: Blue oxford with red tie.
Advantage: Kelvin. A mullet versus looking respectable? Hands down this one goes in favor of Kelvin, though it does appear that Brock keeps his hair nice and clean.

Round Six: Leading Lady
Brock: Take your pick. I'll choose the sultry, comely red-headed sexpot and international spy Molotov Cocktease.
Kelvin: Wife Karen, who is a rather fetching lady and steadfastly supports her husband.
Advantage: There's something to be said of the unconditional love of a good wife, and, while Karen is a lovely lady, she's not going to totally kick your ass during foreplay, nor tie you to a bed, set the hotel on fire, and take away your smokes. Molotov Cocktease wins.

Round Seven: Brush with Fame
Brock: David Bowie, who then turned into an eagle and flew off, eliciting the "Dude, the guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird and flew away!" monologue.
Kelvin: John/Johnny (Cougar) Mellencamp, IU alum and big donor to the school, who once told Bob and Tom: "The sun never sets on the cool".
Advantage: "Blood on the Scarecrow" is one of my favorite songs. David Bowie has two differently-colored eyes and a package that makes women swoon. I'm going with Mellencamp on this one. Advantage Kelvin.

Round Eight: Anger Management
Brock: When he's angry, he kills henchmen, trashes supervillains, and hollows out hot women. Also, has a tell-tale facial twitch which warns you that you're about to die.
Kelvin: When he's angry, he takes his jacket off, yells, waves his hands, and stomps. Also, will bench your ass if you don't match up in the 2-3 zone.
Advantage: Brock; you don't want to be a member of the Monarch's cocoon when he goes off. Even if it is just to amuse the Monarch.








Round Nine: Best Defense
Brock: His own two hands; also, once defended Zepplin as being more than "jock rock" and explained that "they were on a lot of stuff" when they sang a song about Hobbits.
Kelvin: 2-3 matchup zone
Advantage: I always prefer man-to-man defense. Brock wins.

Round Ten: Fall from Grace
Brock: In college, killed the deaf quarterback of his varsity squad while in practice, thus getting him expelled from school. Got drunk, trashed his roommates, and joined the army.
Kelvin: 577 illegal phone calls at Oklahoma, 106 illegal phone calls at Indiana. Was bought out and quietly slipped into the night.
Advantage: Brock, again. Kelvin's violations were lame, but they were violations nonetheless. After trashing his roommates, Brock became the body guard of one of them, Thaddeus "T.S." Venture (later known as "Rusty").



At an impressive 8-2 clip, Brock Samson emerges victorious in this initial run of the Throwdown. Better luck next time, Kelvin. Maybe you could call for backup (too soon?). Now, why don't you take a break from kicking ass and go celebrate, big fella.

The Corruption is Complete!

Yesterday, when we got in the car to go to school, my daughter asked me:

"Did Indiana win last night?"

Resistence is futile. You have been assimilated.

Travesty!!!

I just got done watching the Indiana/Purdue game. A tip of the hat to Purdue (yes, I did just throw up a little after typing that). Damn, they're going to be good for years to come. With the revelation that Matt Painter grew up an IU fan and with the looming termination of Kelvin Sampson, I'm suddenly very upset that Bob Knight never offered Painter a scholarship. He's going to be a great coach. Check that. He's already a pretty damned good coach.

Also, I'm glad that Steve Lavin is starting the D.J. White for Player of the Year talk. I personally think he'd humble Tyler Hansbrough. Consummate Dumbass David Glenn might disagree, but that's what makes him a Consummate Dumbass. Mike Davis may have been a mediocre coach at best, but he did bring D.J. White to Indiana, and D.J. has turned into one of my all-time favorite Hoosiers, right up there with Damon Bailey, Calbert Cheaney, Alan Henderson, Lyndon Jones and Michael Lewis.

I also want to serve notice to NC State fans who are bitching and moaning and wailing and gnashing their teeth (the g is silent, Wolfpack fans) and beating their breasts (that means chests, Wolfpack fans) and crying in their beer because their team sucks. Their biggest excuse is that they don't have a point guard. Number one, perhaps your coach should go out and, you know, recruit a point guard rather than shop for red blazers. Number two, Purdue doesn't have a point guard, and look what they're doing. Oh, right, leading the Big Ten (which, by the way, has more than two teams in it), nationally ranked, and building a program. Matt Painter also doesn't have to resort to questionable wardrobe decisions when it comes time to fire up his team and fanbase. Purdue probably could also handle Presbyterian at home.

The big reason for this post, however, is Jim Delaney's bone-headed move of allowing this game to only be played once a year. This year (luckily) it was at Assembly Hall. Purdue and Indiana should be played twice every year, especially now that the league has gone back to an 18-game conference schedule (much to the chagrin of Illinois Coach Whinin' Bruce Weber) and especially since the rivalry seems to be picking back up to match the fevered pitch of the Knight vs. Keady years. Fix this. And fix it now!

A couple other things...if I were Matt Painter, I'd hunt down Brent Musburger, grab him by the throat, get in his face and growl, "Never call me 'Matty Painter' ever again." That's just me. I hate the name "Matty". Ugh. Don't get me started. I broke up with a girl once because she called me Matty. I told her to stop, and she did it again on purpose, and my next words were "Seriously, stop." She countered with "Oh, come on, Matty, stop playing." I then snapped, "Bitch, get out." And that was it.

Five IU students also held up a series of signs that read: "Hunting Accident" "Choked Player" "Thrown Chair" "Who Cares About" "Phone Calls". Apparently, the new regime does, as Sampson is reportedly going to be suspended Friday and will be terminated afterwards. Good-bye, Kelvin. We hardly knew ye.

Dead Man Walking

Saturday night, I was a torn individual. I watched the Indiana/Michigan St. game, and I saw Kelvin Sampson get all emotional. I watched as the outcome of the game became less and less unknown...kind of like the outcome of the investigation that is set to wrap up at the end of this week. It was like Sampson knew what was coming, and he was taking that moment to celebrate and thank the kids who mean so much to him. It was a very emotional, very touching moment.

And I was torn.

On one hand, here is a man who is an excellent coach and, from most reports, a very nice, well-respected person (taking the NCAA violations away for a moment). It was never more evident that he loves his players and his players love him back as it was at the end of the IU/MSU game. I felt bad for wanting him fired last week. How can you put such a nice guy out on the street?

On the other hand, he was an idiot with the phone at Oklahoma. He brought that with him to Indiana and go pinched again for more impermissable phone calls. His graduation rates are dismal (and that's probably an understatement). And, according to the NCAA, he lied to both them and Indiana.

Let's get one thing in the clear, here. Hubert Davis, during the pregame, made an excellent point: he didn't pay his players, he didn't bribe them with cars, he didn't bribe them with bags full of money. He participated in three-way calls, which are not impermissible by the NCAA. They were for Sampson as part of his probation. His violations were minor, at best, but the NCAA termed them major. I think, honestly, the major issue here is that Sampson was boneheaded about it.

Seeing the way that he was celebrating a big win--possibly the biggest of his stint at IU--with his players and their response to him made my sour thoughts about him sweeten. The chant by the student section at the end of the game further softened my stance. Now, I'm unsure of what should be done.

I think, possibly, the best thing would be for Sampson to resign, effective at the end of the season, kind of like how Davis did it. There doesn't need to be a lot of turmoil. There doesn't need to be a lot of drama. This way, we know how things are going to end and IU can get the jump on a new coaching search and possibly salvage what could very well be a very special season. IU should also do the honorable thing and release their recruits from their binding letters of intent. I'm sure Bruce Weber will be all over that, if it happens.

Again, I don't know. This is just my opinion. But, I do know this: however this whole mess plays out, it is possibly one of the saddest endings to what could have been a promising career.

Let's Move On, Folks

First...I strive to be humble and everything, but the Valentine's Day blog made me laugh when I reread it this morning. I hate laughing at my own jokes, but I feel that this particular entry was amusing, nonetheless. I might start making that a more regular part of the entry here, or something similar. Once a week, I might look at a saint's feast day and give you the history of it. Certainly, St. Patrick will be one of the next in line.

Speaking of, I did almost buy a cat-in-the-hat-esque green and white hat yesterday while at Target buying chalky hearts for myself. I felt that I need an appropriately goofy hat if I plan on attending the Notre Dame/UNC game in Chapel Hill this October.

Anyway, let's move on.

Speaking of moving on, I have a message to Hoosier Nation: Let's move on, folks.

Look to the future, not to the past. It's not 1976 anymore. Or 1981. Or 1987. Or even 1992 or 1993.

Bob Knight did not resign from Texas Tech last week because he was tipped off by someone that Kelvin Sampson's days at IU were numbered. Who would have told him? The NCAA, run by Miles Brand, the man who fired him from IU? Or IU President McRobbie, who is little more than a pawn of Brand's in the first place? I doubt either man would secretly whisper rumors of the allegations brought against Sampson into Knight's ear. Unless Grima Wormtongue is employed by the NCAA.

The other thing? Seriously, drop the Knight is coming back to IU hopes. Do you remember the Simpsons where they did the retrospect on Maggie's birth? Do you remember how Homer left the power plant? That was essentially Knight leaving Bloomington, rolling down the window and tossing the Zippo on the wooden bridge.

Not only isn't it going to happen, but it shouldn't happen. Since I'm in the area, let's look at UNC. When Matt Doherty tried his best to make UNC into NC State, UNC didn't go back to Dean Smith to coach the program. Yes, Dean has his hands deep in the athletics department at UNC, but at the same time Dean wasn't fired from North Carolina for demanding some punk treat his elders with respect. Instead, they went with someone who had UNC ties and hired Roy Williams. That's worked out for them fairly well.

However, I don't feel this is a good idea for Indiana. They need to get away from the Knight coaching tree completely. This time, however, they need to make sure that whomever they bring on board doesn't have a pile of baggage coming with him.

My pick? Barack Obama. He's managed to wade through a political fight with the Clintons and look squeaky clean, and he's come up through the political ranks of Illinois without too much baggage, so that speaks of the man's character. Also, his brother-in-law coaches at Brown. Incidentally...one of my ancestors was married to the founder of Brown University. That makes me and Barack practically brothers. Maybe cousins.

Seriously, though, I think Indiana needs to take a long, hard look at themselves in order to figure out what they want to do. And then they should call Sean Miller at Xavier, who does get the official Crown of Thistles stamp of recommendation for next IU basketball coach. His "vice president" (or the second man I think that IU should look at) is Scott Drew. Drew is a young coach, but he'll be inheriting a program that's going to be suffering under sanctions for a few years. While IU gradually comes out of them, Drew can be learning and growing as a coach so that when the kiss of death has finally worn off, both Drew and IU can rise back to national prestige. Third in line is Mark Few, coach at gonzaga. He's so far down the line because I don't know if IU would want to pay to get him from gonzaga, plus it's not like former gonzaga coach Dan Munson worked out all that well for Minnesota.

Most importantly, IU needs to not even entertain the idea of bringing back Knight or one of his former players, such as Steve Alford. Roy Williams has worked somewhat well at UNC, but for every Roy Williams out there, there's a dozen Matt Dohertys.

Absolute Zero

What does Assembly Hall in Bloomington, IN and Absolute Zero have in common?

Both should be at zero Kelvin.

And not even Boltzmann can save him now.

Enough nerdy references for you?

How did I put this earlier when discussing Bruce Weber? I'm going to call a spade a spade, or in this case, a piece of shit a piece of shit.

There's the door, Kelvin. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

The NCAA sent a letter to Indiana yesterday citing major violations. They'll be known later. I guess they say that Sampson lied about the phone calls he made. Whatever. I don't care. That's two years and two violations found; some he brought with him from Oklahoma, others he's done while wearing the Cream and Crimson.

Now, I will say that I am not an alumni of Indiana University, but I grew up a Hoosiers fan, and that's where my interest lies. Still. Up until yesterday, there was one major, storied basketball program in the country that was clean of NCAA violations. And now that is no longer true (Duke and UNC both had their violations a while ago, before K and Dean Smith showed up).

Bob Knight might have been an arrogant boor, but he ran a clean program. He self-reported even the slightest of violations. Sampson, apparently, can't be bothered to either check himself or follow the rules. He already threw coach Senderoff under the bus. I think he should do the same to himself now.

This pains me, too, because I liked Sampson. He was my pick to follow Davis. He's a good coach, but he just can't keep himself within the bounds of the NCAA rules. Now he needs to go. He needs to go as soon as possible. It's over. The Kelvin Sampson era in Bloomington has come to a close as far as I'm concerned.

Rick Greenspan, the AD, should go with him. He brought Sampson on board, knew that he had violations following him, and didn't keep an eye on Sampson, obviously. Fall on your swords, men, and take the honorable way out by resigning. For a school that fired one of the greatest coaches in the history of the sport for grabbing a kid's forearm and wanting him to treat his elders with a bit of respect, this should be a no brainer. Fire Kelvin Sampson.

Get on the phone with Mark Few. Or Scott Drew at Baylor; he's managed to clean up that mess AND make Baylor into a decent team. Rob Jeter at Butler might also be a good call. Bust out the check book and call up Thad Matta (which should have been done a year before hiring Sampson, anyway). Keno Davis at Drake might also be on the radar. I don't care who it is, just be sure not to hire someone with baggage this damned time.

The other thing that disgusts me is, if there was any hope at all, no matter how slim, that Gordon would have stuck around for another year, they're gone now. Completely gone. Ugh. Great. I'm going to go throw up.