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Inspirational Reads

A Suggestion for Charlie

September 17, 2007

I'm pretty much anti-sticker, mostly because Ohio State does it (and Florida State). The stickers seem arbirtrary and would really effing destroy the mystique surrounding the golden helmets. This isn't grade school; stickers shouldn't be the reward for doing a good job.

So, instead of stickers, might I suggest you bribe your team with cake.

Get a cheerleader, preferably a cute one (scour the campus if you must, recruit a girl from Pangborn if you have to) to stand in the endzone holding a cake. This will entice the offense to put the ball down there because then they get to eat cake being served by a pretty girl. No need for a bikini or anything, after all, it gets really cold in South Bend in the fall. Just good, moist cake. They can have the pieces with extra icing on them for two-point conversions.

For the defense, might I suggest cookies. Go to Lyons, get a fine-looking co-ed (for kicks, get one with red hair), and have her stand on the sidelines with bags of cookies. Make a tackle, get a cookie. Drop the running back for a loss? Get a cookie. Sack the quarterback? Get two cookies. Force a three-and-out, everyone gets a cookie. Force a turnover? Three cookies. Score a defensive touchdown? Sleeve of oreos. Don't forget the milk.

For special teams, go to Cavanaugh, find a comely dark-haired lass, give her some pie. Everyone loves pie. Touchback? Slice of pie. Score a touchdown off a punt or kick-off return? That slice of pie gets whipped cream.

Try this, and maybe, just maybe, success will be yours. And then guys like me won't have to write out suggestions for how to fix this mess you've got.

Thanks to Dr. Woller for giving me the idea.


Chemgeek said...

Then at the end of the season, instead of a win-lose record, they could just report the increased weight of the players.

A big increase would translate into 10-2.

A modest increase would be 6-6

A lose of weight would be 1-11

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Well, you want your linemen to gain weight, right? It makes them less easy to push around and bull over.

At the rate they're going now, though, the offensive line would be doing commercials for Nutrisystem in December.

Will Shannon said...

I like the idea.

For the Badgers, who seem to need the most help on defense, my scheme is (in harmony with the great Wisconsin tradition of supper club dinner specials) prime rib on the sidelines.

Now, speaking of the Badgers, the mission is clear...Bucky shall avenge the Irish by smiting the denizens of Ann Arbor (who is, by the way, a filthy whore).

We got King Barry from's the least we could do.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Back when Davie was bumblefucking around with the offense (option right, option left, draw up the middle, punt) and people were calling for his head on a platter (with or without Salome), Barry's name was thrown around a lot. I think there was a point where he was interested in the job, and so Wisconsin restructured his contract, Davie went to a BCS bowl, thereby earning an extension, and the rest is history.

So, yes, strike them down, Mighty Bucky.

Chemgeek said...

The best thing about Notre Dame is that they make the miserable Minnesota Gophers look competent. Although, ND has faced actual competition. Minnesota on the other hand is losing to lower tier teams.

Regardless, it is a bad year for football in the great lakes region. Hopefully, Wisconsin can garner some respect.