As a man who has enjoyed a few sugary treats over my forty years of life, I have come to the conclusion that desserts fall into three categories: cake, ice cream, and pie. All desserts are just some subset of these three, with pudding being the superfamily over all of them. See what I did there, Britain? No angry messages left in the comments.
Ice cream is fun. Hot day? Let's have some ice cream. Celebrating a birthday? Well, hell, let's have some ice cream along with that cake (see paragraph 2). On a date? Well, we're not quite to the marriage and wedding cake step, so let's have some ice cream! Even the ice cream man drives around in a fun, festive cart with Pop Goes the Weasel or some other song from your childhood blaring over the loudspeakers while he patrols the neighborhood like some sort of angry, frozen dairy treat bearing predator of the sea. Sure, he has his victims bound and gagged in the back of his festive refrigerated van, but, man, for a few moments while you're picking out the overpriced, frozen dairy treat from the menu on the side of the truck, the ice cream man sure seems fun! Who wants a side of chloroform to go with this drumstick knock-off? Me!!!!!!...zzzZZZzzz...
I went to a dark place again, didn't I?
Pie, however, isn't really celebratory (the stripper doesn't jump out of a giant pie, does she?), nor is it as fun as ice cream (man, this pie just doesn't fit into the sugar cone like I was hoping!). No, pie is something completely different.
Pie is pure sex.
Pie is a lot of work. Sex is a lot of work. When you make pie, you have to make the crust, you have to fill the crust, and then you have to put another crust over the top of the filling. And the crust? Yeah, it's so flaky and delicious because it has lots of layers. There's some sex pun in there, but it's late and I can't be bothered to connect the dots. When you make cake, you just dump some stuff into a bowl, crack a few eggs, stir, bake, done. You don't need to frost cake; cake is pretty damned delicious as is. Frosting is just...well, the icing on the cake!
No, pie is something more, something that is in tune with the deepest seated needs and wants of our psyche. Eating pie makes us feel good, sure, but it also makes us feel a little naughty after enjoying it. There's something a little lascivious about enjoying a pie.
And, do I really need to mention Warrant and their assault on our early 90's radio experiences? I didn't think so. But it tastes so sweet it makes a grown man cry...
I apologize for any and all earworms this spawns.
Even though there's no real relationship between the value pi, which is the ratio of the diameter of a circle to it's circumference, and pie the delicious, salacious treat, we've still come to associate the dessert pie with March 14th, which is 3.14...or the first three digits of pi the mathematical value. At least in America. Those silly Europeans write March 14th as 14.3...so they don't celebrate pi day until the 31st of April.
So, join me today in celebrating a unique number, pi, by treating yourself to a lascivious and tasty indulgence, pie the round circle dessert. Oh, hey! There's our connection!