Odds and Ends

Try Not to Breathe: Remember that little story I told you last Thursday? You know, the one where I puked almost on a girl I was having a wonderful first date with?

Well, last Thursday night, I re-enacted what happened to my wife. Apparently, everyone who told me that I should have called her back didn't get the full feel for what I had just done to this poor girl.

So, let me re-describe it. Imagine, someone has puckered up and has moved in to kiss you. Your lips touch. Just as they touch, you hear a horrible noise like a backed-up sink gurgling, and then the person whose lips are touching yours has his cheeks inflate like a pufferfish as vomit pours into his mouth. That's what it was like.

My wife screamed. She visibly shuddered. "Oh my God," she said, "that poor girl. No wonder she was so traumatized. That was awful."

And she had this reaction even without me actually puking into my mouth and then bringing it up in a wastebasket.

The One I Love: Everyone who told me that I should have called her back when we got back to school for the spring semester...we can only say what if.

If I had called her back...maybe we would have gone out again. I mean, yeah, she was really nice and seemed to really like me. I mean, she was kissing on me and holding my hand and snuggling up and all, right? Maybe we would have felt a spark, dated for the remainder of her undergraduate career, and then after she graduated, we could have gotten married. I don't know where she went to law school, but maybe it was ND. We could have finished our respective degrees at the same time, and then moved off to some fabulous location.

If that would have happened, maybe we'd have a couple of kids. Maybe I wouldn't have my evenings free. Maybe I wouldn't have started blogging. Maybe you would have no idea who the fuck I was. You'd walk down the street and think "Was that Tom Green? He's put on some weight."

If all of that had happened, I wouldn't have met my wife three months later. I wouldn't have gotten married. I wouldn't have moved to North By God Carolina and I wouldn't have worked for that biotech wherein I started my blogging career. By telling me that I should have called Margaret back up and asked her out again, you would be denying yourselves this little slice o' the internet and all the shit good times we've had together.

If I had done all those things, I wouldn't be married to the woman I am now, with the two wonderful kids that we've had together and the happy, if humble, abode in which we dwell. Besides, if I had called her back and we had dated, fallen in love, and married, I wouldn't get to have the sex with a redhead with fabulously large breasts.

Unless, of course, she dyed her hair and got implants.

Crush with Eyeliner: Possibly the most amusing footnote to that whole story about me nearly puking on Margaret was that, I'm certain, my students would have gotten back to campus and asked her how things went. And, I'm certain, that Margaret told them that I puked and probably the other gory details. So, they would have heard about everything that happened that night.

Despite all this, Sheridan, the girl who lured me into tutoring her and her room mates, wanted to set me up with another one of her room mates. This girl's name was Kristine (if I remember correctly). She was tall, had red hair, and had a decent rack. Problem was, she wore a lot of eyeliner, so I wasn't really all that interested.

In a bit of an ironic twist, the night I met my wife, Kristine was there, too. They were working together on something for a campus charity. Apparently, Kristine was kind of interested in me (despite my pukiness on my date with Margaret), because she recognized me at the event and told her room mates that I was there. Much later, after I had married my wife, she saw me again and reported back to Sheridan et. al. that I was now wearing a ring, and what was up with that?

My question: you know I almost puked in your friend's face and still you wanted to date me? What was up with that?

What if We Give It Away?: My wife has found this site called Zazzle.com, and she fucking loves it.

The Lord of the Rings movies came out while we were still at Notre Dame, and we, of course, went to go and see all three of them in the theatres because we love us some Lord of the Rings. We also both love us some Notre Dame.

What do these two things have in common? Sean Astin. In case you need your memory jogged, Sean Astin was the titular Rudy in the movie of the same name. Naturally, this is a must watch for anyone who went to or is a fan of Notre Dame. In fact, in the old bookstore on campus, Rudy was on a continual 24-hour loop. That's a lot of Sean Astin and the dude who played Roc from the ill-fated Fox show from the early 90s (Charles S. Dutton, in case you care).

Astin, of course, also played Samwise Gamgee, Frodo's love interest friend and moral support as he carried the Ring to the fires of Mount Doom. Whenever the camera focused on Sam, especially during The Fellowship of the Ring and his little soliloquy at the end of The Two Towers, I would giggle and then say to my wife "I want to play football at Notre Dame, Mr. Frodo!"

Well, my wife took this happy little sentence and made herself a button over at Zazzle.com. It is, appropriately, cheesy. It is, also, a must-have for the mixed Notre Dame/LotR fan on your Christmas list.

Let Me In: When I was a freshman in college, I lived alone my first semester. There's a back story there that I don't want to get into (it involved me dressing like a garden gnome because ours was stolen...like I said, I don't want to get into it).

My friend, the Brewing Optometrist, decided to come and visit me once when he was home on break and I was still slogging away doing that learning bullshit. The joy of the Brewing Optometrist was that his dad worked for a beer distributorship, so he brought some booze for us to enjoy while watching Bevis and Butthead. He decided we needed some 40s, and what better drink to enjoy in a 40 ounce bottle than malt liquor?

Really, this story has no point. I just wanted to repost the picture of the OE Girl. If it helps, the Brewing Optometrist brought me a 40 of Olde English 800.

Yeah, that totally justifies it.

TMI Thursday: Me and Mr. Wodka Don't Hang around Where We're Not Wanted

Let's head back in time to that magical era I called my sophomore year of college. It was early spring of 1996, and for some reason, I had not been involved in the theatre production that had just wrapped up. I think it had something to do with my work schedule.

Despite having missed the show, I was invited to one of the cast parties because I was a regular. Being that I felt like throwing caution to the wind and actually having a little fun, I decided to head on down to the party. Accompanying me was the other two legs of my Unholy Triangle, Scooter and Young Bob. You might remember them from the infamous "White Chair Incident". And Young Bob was the camera operator for Sparkle Belly. Rub my nipples.

We finally roll into the shindig there on second Justin West, and immediately I grab a beer and start drinking. What fun is college with alcohol-fueled shenanigans? Alright, alright, it can be fun without the booze, I know. But, seriously, I'm not one to pass up free booze. This could be downfall, as we'll soon see.

Foreshadowing aside, I down the first beer rather quickly. Not feeling anything, I get a second. Again, it's gone painfully fast. Time for a third. What the hell is this I'm drinking? Water? Oh, Miller Lite. Same fucking thing. But, it's college. I give myself a pass. Plus, hello, free beer = good beer. Not always true, but in college, it's a 90% win rate.

When it comes time for my kids to go to college, I'm going to teach them a few rules. The first one will be "Liquor before beer, in the clear; beer before liquor, sicker quicker." This is a talk I wish my father had had with me, but since my mother threatened me with bodily harm if I even so much as touched alcohol in college, I left for Rensselaer, IN with a wide, innocent-eyed view of my future. You have to remember that in high school, I was a much different person than I am now. Alcohol? Me? Never!

Back to the party. Not only did I head off to this party with my good friends Scooter and Young Bob, I also arrived with a healthy lust for a Croatian honey that we'll call Amy. We'll call her Amy because she's in the army now and I'm pretty sure she could kill me with a look if I used her real name. So, Amy it is!

Anyway, Amy was this beautiful first-generation Croatian girl that I had been sprouting wood for since we both arrived at St. Joe in fall of 1994. As I was in one of the "off again" periods with the Ex-, I felt that anything and everything was fair game. Did I ever mention that I have a thing for Slavic people? They are a beautiful race of individuals, in my opinion. Amy had dark hair, gorgeous, big, round brown eyes, and a singing voice that would make the gods themselves weep. Plus, she had big tits.

Amy showed up at the party, but didn't stay long. She came in, got a drink, and mingled for a moment or two and then left. I had waded about four or five beers deep into the Sea of Debauchery when I saw Amy show up. I sauntered over to the bar, struck up a feeble attempt at conversation, and then asked what she was drinking. It was a college party, so it wasn't like I was going to go all captain smooth here and try to buy her a drink. She was having a screwdriver, medium vodka.

'Fuck,' I thought--though hazy my mind may have been--'if she can handle a medium vodka screwdriver, I can handle a heavy vodka screwdriver.'

"Can I get one, too?" I asked the lovely Mandy, who was manning the bar and hosting the party. "Heavy on the vodka."

I'm pretty sure that the lovely Mandy upended the bottle of vodka into my cup and whispered the words "orange juice" over the top of it. When this young woman made a drink heavy on the vodka, the stock price of Smirnoff shot through the roof. Like an idiot, I drank it.

Up to this point, I was largely a vodka virgin. I knew what it was, that it made an excellent drink, and that it largely had no flavor. I also knew that it was a bit tricksy when it came to you feeling drunk. You drink it, and then you don't feel all that drunk. However, suddenly--WHAM-O!--you're fucking blotto and quoting lines from Crime and Punishment. What? I love me some Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov.

So, here I am, stumbling mingling about the party with my half-consumed bucket of vodka and I'm not feeling drunk. In hindsight, I'm acting drunk, but not feeling it. Case in point. Remember, I came to the party with Scooter and Young Bob. Now, Young Bob was not one to drink. He didn't like the flavor of alcohol and he was one of those who enjoyed staying sober and laughing at the stupid antics of us drunk motherfuckers. Scooter was a bit more of a casual drinker. He got a drink, nursed it through most of the night, and usually left a party feeling buzzed but not drunk.

Me? I'm Barney Gumble.

Early on, we had met this cat named Robert. He was a friend of the lovely Mandy's (host of the party), and Scooter was chatting him up all night long. Robert was pretty cool. I came over and asked them, "Hey, how you guys doing?" and Scooter responds with "We're good. We're talking about comics." I think he was trying to lure me into the conversation, maybe to play wingman. I dunno. Things have gotten a little hazy at this point.

I stare at Scooter and Robert with a very serious look on my face. "Awesome," I say, "Comics RULE!" *insert requisite fist pump to accentuate the word 'RULE'*

Having finished the screwdriver, I decided I wasn't nearly drunk enough. So, I head back up to the bar. Now my friend Kurt is manning the bar.

"What can I do you for, my good man?" Kurt asked.

"I think I need something to drink. I'm not nearly drunk enough," I respond.

"Shot of vodka it is."

Kurt pours me a shot of vodka.

I down the shot of vodka.

"Nope, not drunk enough."

"Shot of vodka it is."

Kurt pours me a shot of vodka.

I down the shot of vodka.

"Nope, not drunk enough."

"Shot of vodka it is."

Kurt pours me a shot of vodka.

I down the shot of vodka.

"I think we're getting there." I say. I put my arm around a talking zebra that I befriended somewhere between the second and third shot and we stagger away from the bar.

(In case you couldn't tell, there was no zebra.)

I find Young Bob.

"You're drunk," Young Bob says. He has a mastery of the obvious.

"Yesh," I slur. At this moment, It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M. is queued into the stereo.

"Oh my God," I say, wide-eyed. "Thish ish the besht shong! I know all the wordsh." I try to sing along, muttering and mumbling everything except for Leonard Bernstein (naturally).

Young Bob shakes his head. "Bitch, you couldn't do that sober. You're just embarrassing yourself, drunky."

"I got 'em all," I insist. "I jusht shang too fasht for you to hear."

What happened after this, I'm unsure. However, I know that Amy the Croatian Honey had left the party. At this point, I'm drunk AND horny. I start hitting on something close by. Now, when I say I'm drunk, I mean really fucking drunk. People, I started hitting on one of the Stankus girls. Swear to anything and everything I know that's holy, Stankus was their last name. I'm pretty sure Stankus is Latin for "disease-ridden sulfurous pit". Yes, I'm referring to that particular pit.

Finally, I end up out in the hallway. It's well past midnight, but it's before quiet hours (which started at 2 am), and I'm beginning to feel the copious amounts of vodka that are now coursing through my veins. As the Bolshevik Revolution was playing out in my liver, I felt the need to escape the pounding music and the close quarters. The hallway was a great place to do this.

Young Bob accompanied me. We were standing there, talking. Well, he was talking, I was slurring shit together into incohesive incoherency. There was a lull in the conversation, and as the Russian army continued pounding through my vasculature, my stomach suddenly turned into the Romanovs. They needed to get out of the country, and they needed to get out NOW!

Being that I'm a polite drunk, I simply walk away from Young Bob. He turns to tell me something, and I'm gone. I'm down the hall. A trashcan is in my sites. I walk over to it, stare at it, and then I fountain into it. And by fountain, I mean a raging torrent of alcohol-tinged vomit comes rushing out of my piehole, splattering noisily against the back of the trashcan, and landing in the bottom. I can identify dinner. I think I can identify lunch. It was brown. It was chunky. I remember it tasted like pasta sauce and vodka. The flavor clings to my palate to this day.

Not all of it went into the trash can. When I puke this violently, it comes out my nose, too, and so there was some left-overs on my upper lip. I needed help. I looked up. The only person around me was my nemesis: Vanzetti. Yes, he was related to that Vanzetti. For some reason, we strongly disliked each other.

But, I was desperate.

"Oh my God, Vanzetti, could you get me some paper towels?" I asked in my most pathetic voice. Vanzetti's girlfriend at the time lived on the same floor as the party, and he had walked down the hall to use the bathroom. I saw him as he was headed into the toilets. A few seconds later, he re-emerged, carrying some paper towels. I thanked him, wiped up, and proceeded to puke some more.

I heard Young Bob at the end of the hallway ask Vanzetti, "Is he throwing up." Later, Young Bob related to me that Vanzetti paused and then said with a look of horror on his face: "Oh. God. Yes."

Having emptied my stomach of everything, I was feeling better, but still drunk. I return to standing in the hall with Young Bob. The world is spinning. It's almost 2 am.

"We should get going," Young Bob says. I think he's more worried about the fact that I just puked up my internal organs than it being late.

"Just a sec," I said. I stopped the Stankus girl in the hallway. "315 Gallagher. It's almost 2 am. Come by before they lock the doors."

Young Bob and I wander back across the quad. Together, we mount the stairs to the third floor. All is silent. I pour myself into my room and strip because, hey, there's a Stankus on her way, right? I'm still powerfully drunk. I lay down in just a pair of red Indiana shorts. Sleep claims me immediately.

If there was a knock at the door, I'll never know. However, I do know that the fucking fire alarm went off at 3:15 am. And there I was, wearing only a pair of Indiana shorts that are indecently too short. I pull myself from the alcohol-fueled reveries and fall down the three flights of stairs to the safety of the outside. It is fucking freezing outside. I am wearing just a short pair of shorts. I am still drunk.

Finally, after fifteen minutes, we are allowed back in. I am cold. I am drunk. I am so cold and drunk, I cannot sleep. Finally, after an hour, I fall asleep. The next morning, I woke up sick. And hungover. And with a healthy distaste for vodka.


If this does not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories, then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

A View from the Inside of a Vodka Bottle

Any of my friends who have been with me during a drunken soiree will truly appreciate this comic...

For the record, I also know that the first two words are "that's great"...even when I'm drunk

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

EDIT: I fixed the click on the picture and make it larger. Should work now.