Like Sand in Your Buns

I'm a little bit pissed this morning.

I know, what else is new, right?

And by "pissed", I mean angry. Not the good kind of "pissed" that would imply that I woke up this morning and started enjoying a good tipple.

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of what can only be described as "impulse", I decided it was time for my children to own squirt guns. So, I shelled out all of ninety-nine cents (apiece...I'm not THAT cheap) for two water guns. We took them home, I showed them how to fill them, and they were off. Oh, what fun they had, chasing one another around the back yard, squirting and being squirted. It eventually devolved into having a squirt gun in one hand and a spray bottle in the other.

But, you know what? They're kids. They need to run around and have fun and play with squirt guns. It's all in good fun.

So, the other day, the neighbor girls from across the street came over, and they ran around in the backyard playing with the squirt guns, too. Now, the girls from across the street are harmless, but kind of annoying. One of them is terrified of bugs, and shrieks at the top of her lungs this long, piercing, keening wail whenever she sees a bug, let alone have one land on her. Do you know how many bugs there are in North Carolina? All of them.

The other one...well...let's just say I fully expect her to graduate--with honors--from the Elmer Fudd Academy of Public Speaking, if you know what I'm saying. *wink* Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!

Anyway, yesterday, when I released the hounds children into the backyard to run and play while I cooked dinner, I found that my kids' squirt guns no longer worked. Hmmm, curious. Two weeks is all ninety-nine cents buys these days? Well, I guess that's no problem. Their birthdays are four to six weeks away, so I can get them new ones, and possibly upgrade them even. Yep, father of the year.

And then...then I hear why my kids' squirt guns don't work anymore...

Seems as though Bugluver and Elmer from across the street put sand into the squirt guns when they were playing with them. Sand. Motherfucking sand in the squirt guns! Who the fuck does this? It's a water gun, not a silica grit gun. What the fuck?

But, of course, they're not my kids, so I can't go off on them like I want to. And, the guns were only ninety-nine cents, so I would feel like a true asshole if I went next door and demand that Fudd senior repay me for the lost use of two squirt guns, but a tiny part of me wants to go and grab that fucker by the mullet and ask "Who the hell teaches their kids to put sand in a fucking squirt gun???"

Now, being a chemist, I'm familiar with certain materials and whatnot. I could get a hold of some shit that would dissolve the sand right quick, and--I'm fairly certain--wouldn't damage the water-shooting mechanism too much. However, when considering all angles of my options, the risk of getting HF burns quickly outweighs the recovered use of two squirt guns that set me back two bucks.

Oh, and by the way, if you're squeamish, you probably don't want to click on that link up there.

So, I guess I'm going to swallow my anger and bottle it up inside (always healthy) and just get the kids a couple of good squirt guns for their birthdays.

In the meantime, be vewy vewy quiet. I'm twying to discouwage the kids next door fwom coming over.