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Inspirational Reads

Like Sand in Your Buns

June 1, 2010

I'm a little bit pissed this morning.

I know, what else is new, right?

And by "pissed", I mean angry. Not the good kind of "pissed" that would imply that I woke up this morning and started enjoying a good tipple.

A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of what can only be described as "impulse", I decided it was time for my children to own squirt guns. So, I shelled out all of ninety-nine cents (apiece...I'm not THAT cheap) for two water guns. We took them home, I showed them how to fill them, and they were off. Oh, what fun they had, chasing one another around the back yard, squirting and being squirted. It eventually devolved into having a squirt gun in one hand and a spray bottle in the other.

But, you know what? They're kids. They need to run around and have fun and play with squirt guns. It's all in good fun.

So, the other day, the neighbor girls from across the street came over, and they ran around in the backyard playing with the squirt guns, too. Now, the girls from across the street are harmless, but kind of annoying. One of them is terrified of bugs, and shrieks at the top of her lungs this long, piercing, keening wail whenever she sees a bug, let alone have one land on her. Do you know how many bugs there are in North Carolina? All of them.

The other one...well...let's just say I fully expect her to graduate--with honors--from the Elmer Fudd Academy of Public Speaking, if you know what I'm saying. *wink* Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!

Anyway, yesterday, when I released the hounds children into the backyard to run and play while I cooked dinner, I found that my kids' squirt guns no longer worked. Hmmm, curious. Two weeks is all ninety-nine cents buys these days? Well, I guess that's no problem. Their birthdays are four to six weeks away, so I can get them new ones, and possibly upgrade them even. Yep, father of the year.

And then...then I hear why my kids' squirt guns don't work anymore...

Seems as though Bugluver and Elmer from across the street put sand into the squirt guns when they were playing with them. Sand. Motherfucking sand in the squirt guns! Who the fuck does this? It's a water gun, not a silica grit gun. What the fuck?

But, of course, they're not my kids, so I can't go off on them like I want to. And, the guns were only ninety-nine cents, so I would feel like a true asshole if I went next door and demand that Fudd senior repay me for the lost use of two squirt guns, but a tiny part of me wants to go and grab that fucker by the mullet and ask "Who the hell teaches their kids to put sand in a fucking squirt gun???"

Now, being a chemist, I'm familiar with certain materials and whatnot. I could get a hold of some shit that would dissolve the sand right quick, and--I'm fairly certain--wouldn't damage the water-shooting mechanism too much. However, when considering all angles of my options, the risk of getting HF burns quickly outweighs the recovered use of two squirt guns that set me back two bucks.

Oh, and by the way, if you're squeamish, you probably don't want to click on that link up there.

So, I guess I'm going to swallow my anger and bottle it up inside (always healthy) and just get the kids a couple of good squirt guns for their birthdays.

In the meantime, be vewy vewy quiet. I'm twying to discouwage the kids next door fwom coming over.

19 comments:

Cora said...

Hello? How old are these hellions?

BigSis said...

Some people should be banned from procreating. The stupid gene is way too rampant in our society. Really, sand?

Chemgeek said...

You criticize. But if it would have worked........

JenJen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bev said...

The only thing worse than asshole neighbors is their asshole kids.

Sorry 'bout your guns.

SkylersDad said...

I am betting on the screechy one for being the squirt gun offender. She probably got tired of getting squirted and decided to be a little bitch about it.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahaha, at least they were only cheap squirt guns... Not like the time a neighbor kid jammed toast into my dad's friend's VHS player. Yeah.

Eric said...

But the HF would have gone through the plastic, right? Wait, are the guns made of wax then?

Yes, I thought about using HF for etching my marble deck. After reading about how little it takes to get on your skin to kill you dead, I reconsidered my course of action. I'm glad you are going to just buy new guns.

Sully said...

I can't stop thinking of vile things to fill a squirt gun with....

Logical Libby said...

Now I know how disable the weapons of my nephew. Thanks.

words...words...words... said...

I say you put sand in something of theirs. Like their dad's gas tank.

Frank said...

We were too poor for 39 cent squirt guns. Back in my day we had to fight one another with the garden hose. It wasn't really a battle because only one of us could use it at a time, plus if I ran to the end of the yard, I could get outside the spray range, forcing my brother/sister to try and find ways to convince me to move 20 feet closer.

Scope said...

Did I ever tell you about the time I found the "special squirt gun" my mom kept hidden in the bathroom?

Sadako said...

That sounds really evil...tell them they'll sand their eyes out or something.

That Baldy Fella said...

I now have "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!' going back and forth in my head.

Tracie said...

We had neighbor kids like that. They broke my kids' toys and were always asking for popsicles and soda, too. It was a happy day when moved out. Now I'm waiting to see what kind of hoodlums move in next.

carissa said...

Ah man, how I miss squirt gun playing days. I used to put red food coloring in mine, so that when we squirted each other it looked like blood. If you left the chemicals in them then gave it back to your kids then you could probably really teach those neighbor kids a lesson!

MJenks said...

@ Cora: Um...6 and 4, I think. Still, I fully expect four-year-olds to NOT put sand in squirtguns.

@ BigSis: I think I'm more pissed that they dug it out of the sand intended for the basketball goal. Because now, when it rains? Mess in the backyard. Thanks, kids.

@ Chemgeek: If it would have worked...I would have had a different rant on my blog.

@ Bev: Eh, it's two bucks. Maybe their mom works at the squirtgun factory, and they're just trying to ensure that there'll be food on the table tomorrow.

No, you're right. Fuck 'em.

@ SkyDad: According to my son (aka 'The Squealer'), you're dead on. It was her, but I think it was gross incompetence rather than with malicious intent.

@ S&C: Right. Good call on that one. *writes down to never let the neighbor kids in the house*

@ Eric: Being that I'm like you and I tend to NOT want to have my bones melt, I've never actually worked with HF (I usually find some other source of fluoride ion to do my desilations), but from what I've heard the HF wouldn't mess with the plastic. It just really, really likes glass (or the silicon oxide bonds that would be in stone). I've been told that HF disilations need to be done in plastic (or teflon) vessels.

@ Sully: I would be a little disappointed in you if you weren't.

I'm thinking Taco Bell for dinner and send those guns out with one last great hurrah!

@ Logical Libby: You're welcome! I'm glad I could provide this valuable service.

@ words^3: But that might mean that they'd never leave. And that wouldn't do. That wouldn't do at all.

@ Frank: Did your brother and sister have a line drawn in the grass like the dog and Foghorn Leghorn? And that you'd run out past the line and know you were safe?

A lot of our water fights as kids would degenerate into hoses...

@ Scope: ...

*stares blankly ahead*

No. No, you didn't.

@ Sadako: Thanks for stopping in. And, yes, I should do something like that. Getting sand out of your hair is particularly difficult. That might work.

@ Baldy: Well, now, it's BASEBALL season!

@ Tracie: Since there's no "For Sale" sign in the yard across the way, I'm going to guess that you're NOT going to get these two little hellions...and the meth lab that comes with them.

I'm not sayin'...I'm just...hinting at.

@ Carissa: I don't trust my kids not to use them on themselves first...

Nej said...

Reason # 1,467,983 that I don't have children. :-) :-)

I love how you put the link disclaimer AFTER the link. Very evil of you! :-)