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Inspirational Reads

I Want to Believe

June 16, 2010

Sorry about yesterday, everyone, but I had a lovely little sports post ready to go wherein I spent a lot of words insulting Notre Dame and their desperation to cling to football independence, but then the ugly step-children of the Big XII did a deal with the Longhorns and Pointy Tail of Texas in order to keep the conference "together", thus ruining my perfectly-placed rant about Notre Dame's high opinion of itself and how nearsighted it is. So, I didn't publish the post and didn't bother coming up with a replacement. Maybe another day.

So, today, I have this dandy for you.

Despite the fact that I'm a "Man of Science", I like to keep an open mind to all manner of paranormal phenomena. Mostly, it's fun to believe some of this shit that we've had passed down through our lore. Cold spot on the floor? Why, it must be a ghost. Odd not-quite-a-log looking shape in the water? Sea monster, hands down. Probably just basking in the sun. Or, more importantly, it's probably disguised as a log, to lure in unsuspecting prey. Like you or me.

Don't even try to convince me that there aren't mermaids out there. Beautiful women plying the waters topless! And their legs are mashed together into fins, so that the only port of entry is their mouths! Nubile young chesty things that can only give blow jobs? Don't you dare try and tell me they're not real!

Then, however, there are some things that scare the living shit out of me. The story behind the Amityville Horror house? That will keep me up at night for weeks. Tales of alien abduction--not the anal probe part, but the part where the aliens are walking through the motherfucking walls and have some sort of force field around the victim so they can't move? That shit's nightmare-inducing.

And then there's Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, if you must. Sassy is an idea that I like. The notion that there's an undiscovered North American ape species still around is, to me, awesome. The same goes for the Yeti (probably not the same species as Sasquatch), though since that's an Asian ape, it doesn't hold the same captivating keenness that Sasquatch does, at least for me.

However, I can see both sides of the argument with regards to Sasquatch. There have been so many people playing pranks and hoaxing others for years that every bit of Sasquatch evidence I see I view through a jaded lens. And while hair samples and footprints are nice and all, no one has found a body of one of these large American apes (yet, I hope), and to be honest, the body is the most compelling piece of evidence. Without it, there's too much doubt as to the existence of Sassy. No one believed in the mountain gorillas until a body was brought back, and that was fifty, sixty years ago! I suspect, however, that even with a body, there will still be skeptics.

Thanks to programs on both The History Channel and Discovery, and to a lesser degree on Syfy (Destination: Truth could be a good show, if they didn't try to pack so much stuff into one episode), it seems as though the study of and hunt for evidence of Sasquatch has taken a more mainstream track. This is good, because then maybe we can turn the tide of public opinion from Sasquatch being a children's tale of a forest-dwelling boogeyman into Sasquatch being a viable, scientifically-recognized species that we can protect and study.

But...for every step forward in the realm of cryptohominoidal study, there's...well, there's this guy:


Well, I guess it's good that Sasquatch has, apparently, mastered that lather, rinse, repeat cycle and took time to get some highlights done before visiting with Mr. Peeler and his dog...though I am disconcerted that Sassy can be driven off with a sharply barked "git!" and a stick.

It's not unprecedented to have Sasquatch reports in North Carolina or in Appalachia; most sightings, however, are reported in the Pacific Northwest and up into Canada, sure, but the sightings of a large, hairy hominid span coast-to-coast in this great nation of ours.

Wait. I'll bet he didn't see Sasquatch at all! I'll bet he saw...this guy!


That Baldy Fella said...

Fabsquatch has the sound of a newly invented and totally depraved sexual practice.

"Yeah, I fabsquatched her. Jimmy was watching, too."

kate said...

Honestly, I'd rather cling to the teet of Texas than be stuck playing in the Mountain West or Big Sky Conferences...just for today, I'm happy that Texas is an overbearing, dominating, filthy rich bully.

Ugh, Fabio is such a butterface.

Bev said...

I can't believe it's not butter! I'm giggling over, "Fabsquatch," too.

I never thought of mermaids that way before, but it makes sense now that you mention it!

Eric said...

Well I, for one, just cannot wait to get the new satellite LonghornTV in HD piped in to the media room 24/7.

I don't even care if they repeat games continuously, especially the ones that UT wins. That would be better than a burnt orange test pattern...

Wynn said...

I LOVED Fabio's show about that man academy, what was it called? The one where hot dudes were taught how to be posers for books and stuff! MR ROMANCE!

Oh god, we had the best nights ever watching that show.

Wynn said...

I LOVED Fabio's show about that man academy, what was it called? The one where hot dudes were taught how to be posers for books and stuff! MR ROMANCE!

Oh god, we had the best nights ever watching that show.

SkylersDad said...

I loved Mr. 3-tooth-minimum describing his "git" method as "rough-talkin" him.

He is my new backwoods hero.

Pearl said...

Well I hope you're happy. You've ruined mermaids for me.


Amber Tidd Murphy said...

On the sports front: what about the Big Ten getting bigger?! What say you?

On the ghosts front: can you please never mention Amityville again? It's the middle of the day, and just seeing the word scares me. I'm home alone. Kthanks.

Scope said...

See, it's dudes like that that they always pick to show up for.

MJenks said...

@ GregoryJ You know what, cocksucker? I tried to fucking defend your gutless act and smooth things over. But apparently you and your tiny dick can't let things go.

So, I'm fucking done with you. Eat dick you gutless sack of shit.


MJenks said...

Sorry all...and now, back to the return comments...

@ Baldy:'re right. It does sound like you've inserted something somewhere where it didn't belong...I'm striking "Fabsquatch" from my vocabulary...

...but adding it to my repertoire.

@ kate: Well, as long as you're happy. Because it sure looks like Texas is happy.

@ Bev: Ah, see what I'm saying? One hole is all they got. You'll notice Mermen ain't exactly hung, so it makes sense that Mermaids don't need a receptacle for it.

@ Eric: I have this bad feeling that a test pattern in various shades of burnt orange would be very popular. Texas fans are nothing if not dedicated.

At the same time, Texas holds all the cards, so I guess they can do whatever it is they want.

@ Wynn: I know of what you're speaking...however, fortunately, I never saw the show.

@ SkyDad: Strangely enough, my wife doesn't appreciate my "rough-talkin'" impersonation. Last night, she told me never to do it again.

Even better, though? The 911 call where he reported the Sasquatch. If I can find a copy of that and figure out how to link it in here, I'll do it.

@ Pearl: My job here is done. *brushes hands off*

@ Amber: I think it will happen, and Notre Dame will be left out in the cold when the Big East football conference falls apart. And then I think they'll be outside looking in at the BCS.

Plus, I'm hopeful that, by the time Nebraska is a full member of the conference, Indiana will be good enough that we can just assume another victory on the schedule when the Huskers roll into town.

@ Scope: Which tells me that there's some semblance of intelligence behind the Sasquatch. They're like "I'll make my presence known...but I'll show off for the confused Mountain Man, so no one will believe I exist."

It's a brilliant plan.