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Inspirational Reads

TMI Thursday: Bedclothes

June 10, 2010

I am, as of right now, very lonely. My wife and the kids are headed to Nashville where they will meet with my mother-in-law all while avoid flooding aftermath and Country Music Awards people. My mother-in-law is then taking the kids on to Oklahoma to visit family out there for a couple of weeks before heading back up to Indiana for two weeks or so. My wife is coming back sometime tomorrow.

That leaves me the run of the house for the next 36 hours or so.

Unfortunately, they make me wear pants at work...

Anyway, remember a couple of weeks ago when I was doing that presentation to my daughter's class? Well, in order to show off the glowing water, I bought a blacklight because it gives off the right wavelengths in order to help certain molecules fluoresce. I figured I'd keep it for the novelty sake, and so I had it in my room but not put away. So, my daughter busts it out and is playing with it, and she shines it on the sheets of my bed.


The sheets are solid black...however, certain areas of the sheets...*ahem*...fluoresced. Brightly. She thought this was cool. I, however, forced myself to stifle a laugh. I assume you've seen those exposes on the news where they take blacklights to hotel rooms to show all the residual bodily fluids left on the sheets and blankets and such. Well, this was the same thing, except it was my bed, and therefore (probably) my fluids.

And then the question came: "Why does it do that?"

She does have some idea as to why things fluoresce under a light like that--I mean, I haven't just taught her the important things, like how to read and write and shoot a basketball and what a zone blitz is. I mean, I've taught her some impractical things, too, like science.

I explained it away that it was glowing because there was some protein residue left on the sheets. She accepted it. I'm sure in a couple of years when The Talk is delivered, she'll suddenly be horrified and have to go all Goth in order to deal with the shock to her system. I'm fine with that. It helps a person grow.

So, I might need to wash those while the wife is away. You know, to freshen up the bedroom, help get her in the mood...

Although, once, that shit backfired on me. It was shortly after we had moved down here. My wife took Cookie with her down to visit her friend in Athens, Georgia one weekend, thus leaving me to hold down the fort at the apartment. Since I was younger, still as horny, and every bit as sick and twisted, I played around on some sites of ill-repute on the internet. Since no one else was in the house, I also felt the need to sleep naked.

And since I was naked and horny after checking out a lot of internet porn, I took care of business in our bed.

Oh, did I mention that we had white sheets at the time?

I also ate a lot of Mexican food that weekend, because it was cheap and I hate myself. This was all before I had my gall bladder removed, so I wasn't quite as leaky 'round back. All this Mexican food caused me to gas up like a blimp and so I laid in my bed--with the white sheets--and jerked off and farted to my heart's content.

I did put clothes on when a group of my friends came down from Virginia to visit me--four friends that I didn't tell my wife about. Two of them were girls, and one of them decided to shed her dark brown hair on the guest bathroom floor--a hair color which no one in my family possesses. All-in-all, it was a good visit. We sat around, shot the shit, told jokes and stories and all that. I even turned off the Notre Dame game in order to chat with my friends! And then we went and got some dinner--at a Mexican restaurant--and they headed back to Virginia. I had a good time. They had a good time.

After they left, I went back to exploring the internet's depravity and staining the sheets (I don't even know why). When I finally got up on Sunday, I looked at the deplorable state of our bed clothes and decided that I would wash them up so that my wife would be able to come home to fresh linens and a clean apartment.

Except, I didn't sweep the floor in the guest bathroom.

My wife comes home, finds the bed clean and made, the apartment clean, everything in order. And then she finds Kristen's hairs on the floor of the bathroom when we were giving Cookie a bath. So, there was a clean apartment, a bed that had been freshly washed and made, and hair from a strange woman's head on the bathroom floor. Yeah, nothing looks suspicious here!

So, I had to explain that I had some friends over and I had to reassure her that I had penetrated NONE of them. And then I had to explain to her why I had washed the sheets on the bed.

And then we went to dinner. At a Mexican restaurant.


The Gangster of Love said...

I like the Mexican restaurant in my city. The food is good and the waiters stare at my wife, so it is good for the both of us. I get full and she gets that extra special attention she craves.

Eric said...

Ah, the great faux Parthenon and a lovely lady doing laundry. I'll need to wash my sheets tomorrow no doubt.

SkylersDad said...

Wait, there are internet sites that have erotic things to look at?

otherworldlyone said...

Haha. Guys are so gross.

Cora said...

Hahahaha! Yep. One of the first clues I had that my ex was cheating was when he suddenly bolted past me one day to grab the bed sheets, stuff 'em vigorously in the washer (with his face bright red and his hands shaking) and wash them to "make them nice" just for little ol' me. Such a thoughtful cheating bastard....

Bev said...

Sadly, that's pretty much the same way that I act when I have the house to myself. HAWT.

Close call there! I once royally freaked out because I found the corner of a condom wrapper in my boyfriend's jeans pocket. Then he reminded me that it was there because we had gotten frisky in the car that weekend and I *myself* had told him to pocket the wrapper so our friends wouldn't see it. Color me embarrassed!

Wynn said...

I LOVE IT! I want one of those lights, except that it would totally be used against me in all sorts of furniture and stuff that I now have little control over because ya know, it's all sharing apartment with bf.

And I was always met with chaos when I visited here, is that a sign that he has nothing to hide?