Lord amighty, is it that time again already? And here, we had just gotten over last week's episode in which I learned to never sit down at the porn shoppe. *shifty-eyed* Anyway, today is my brother-in-law's (Bouddica's brother) birthday. He's 32 or something like that. Whatever. I think I'll tell a story that he'd truly appreciate. Nothing says Happy Birthday BIL like a raunchy TMI story, no?
We'll head back to the fifth grade when I was an erstwhile and callow-faced youth at Salamonie Elementary and Junior High School. There were enough of us that we had two fifth grade rooms. The strange thing, though, is that the fifth grade rooms were separated by a false wall. It was a sort of cardboard-like wall that folded up all accordion-style. I remember it being a deep brown. The thing is...it didn't really separate the two rooms all that well, aside from visibly. We could still hear pretty much everything going on in the other fifth grade classroom, and I assume they could hear us. Wait, check that. I know they could hear us. Here's the sordid tale of how that fact became painfully clear.
Every week, as school children often will, we had a spelling test. We had something like twenty spelling words and usually five "difficult" bonus words. These were optional spelling words you could take on the back of your spelling sheet and then you'd get a 105 or something like that. Anyway, in order to practice for these things, the whole class lined up and we had a spelling bee.
I suck at spelling. Already in this post, I've fucked up "accordion" and "separate" and "difficult" (though that one was because I was typing too fast). So, I only ever won the spelling bee once, and I was so happy I did a sort of happy dance and went to give my friends a high five, and they all stonewalled me. Motherfuckers. The lot of them.
Anyway, I'm getting off track here. One day, we were all lined up at the back of the room, and things were quiet so that everyone could hear their word and try to spell it correctly. So, things were still and quiet with only one voice raised at a time. I think next door they were having a test, as well, because it was awfully quiet over there, too.
That's when I felt a bubbly in my tummy. Being a man of excellent rectal control, I've been known to be able to hold a good fart in and quietly sneak it out, should the situation merit such an action. Being that everything was so quiet and the fact that I was in school, I felt the polite course of action would be to back myself into the corner of the room and try my best to sneak this gaseous eructation out. And so I backed into the corner carefully so as to not draw any attention to myself. I then squeezed by my cheeks and loosened the tensile grip of my sphincter to let a tiny bit of gas go.
A sound reminiscent of a jet engine roared roared from my backside.
For a fleeting second, dead silence filled the room, which was suddenly filled with gales and torrents of mirthful, wonderful laughter. I could feel the color quickly climb into my face, which must look absolutely horrified, I'm sure. However, I couldn't quite contain myself when I looked up and the sweet little old lady teacher--Mrs. Etherington--herself was caught up in the moment and laughing heartily at my gaseous misfortune.
Do you know the episodes of the Simpsons where Marge asks Homer something like "Did you get Lisa a present for her birthday" and Homer looks all skeezy and backs away and says, "Yes, of course I did, I just left in the car. Let me go get it." And then when he's off camera you hear his footsteps pounding and the door slams and suddenly the car peels out of the driveway? Well, I heard something kind of like that, except it was from the other fifth grade room.
There was the pounding of footsteps and the door to the other room suddenly burst open and the footsteps continued down the hall toward our room. Suddenly, the door to our room burst open, and the other fifth grade teacher comes flying into the room.
"Who did that?" she asked. Everyone looked to me, still laughing. Again, horrified, I raised my hand to show it was me.
"We all heard that through the wall!" she proclaimed. And, that was all. She had half a smile on her face as she turned toward the door. And then, she paused, "You might want to check yourself, make sure you didn't leave a mess." And then she was gone.
More laughter and then, finally--mercifully--after about five minutes, everyone quieted down. Finally, through peals of mirthful giggles, I stepped forward and, with as much dignity and grace as I could muster, I softly offered up.
"Pardon me!" This caused the teacher to laugh more, and then we finally bagged the spelling bee and we all went outside for recess a little early. So, I guess, no one won the spelling bee, but we were all winners for having a little bit extra recess. And we owe it all to my ass.
Does this not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories? Then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!
21 hours ago
