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TMI Thursday: The Bee that Roared

July 9, 2009

Lord amighty, is it that time again already? And here, we had just gotten over last week's episode in which I learned to never sit down at the porn shoppe. *shifty-eyed* Anyway, today is my brother-in-law's (Bouddica's brother) birthday. He's 32 or something like that. Whatever. I think I'll tell a story that he'd truly appreciate. Nothing says Happy Birthday BIL like a raunchy TMI story, no?

We'll head back to the fifth grade when I was an erstwhile and callow-faced youth at Salamonie Elementary and Junior High School. There were enough of us that we had two fifth grade rooms. The strange thing, though, is that the fifth grade rooms were separated by a false wall. It was a sort of cardboard-like wall that folded up all accordion-style. I remember it being a deep brown. The thing is...it didn't really separate the two rooms all that well, aside from visibly. We could still hear pretty much everything going on in the other fifth grade classroom, and I assume they could hear us. Wait, check that. I know they could hear us. Here's the sordid tale of how that fact became painfully clear.

Every week, as school children often will, we had a spelling test. We had something like twenty spelling words and usually five "difficult" bonus words. These were optional spelling words you could take on the back of your spelling sheet and then you'd get a 105 or something like that. Anyway, in order to practice for these things, the whole class lined up and we had a spelling bee.

I suck at spelling. Already in this post, I've fucked up "accordion" and "separate" and "difficult" (though that one was because I was typing too fast). So, I only ever won the spelling bee once, and I was so happy I did a sort of happy dance and went to give my friends a high five, and they all stonewalled me. Motherfuckers. The lot of them.

Anyway, I'm getting off track here. One day, we were all lined up at the back of the room, and things were quiet so that everyone could hear their word and try to spell it correctly. So, things were still and quiet with only one voice raised at a time. I think next door they were having a test, as well, because it was awfully quiet over there, too.

That's when I felt a bubbly in my tummy. Being a man of excellent rectal control, I've been known to be able to hold a good fart in and quietly sneak it out, should the situation merit such an action. Being that everything was so quiet and the fact that I was in school, I felt the polite course of action would be to back myself into the corner of the room and try my best to sneak this gaseous eructation out. And so I backed into the corner carefully so as to not draw any attention to myself. I then squeezed by my cheeks and loosened the tensile grip of my sphincter to let a tiny bit of gas go.

A sound reminiscent of a jet engine roared roared from my backside.

For a fleeting second, dead silence filled the room, which was suddenly filled with gales and torrents of mirthful, wonderful laughter. I could feel the color quickly climb into my face, which must look absolutely horrified, I'm sure. However, I couldn't quite contain myself when I looked up and the sweet little old lady teacher--Mrs. Etherington--herself was caught up in the moment and laughing heartily at my gaseous misfortune.

Do you know the episodes of the Simpsons where Marge asks Homer something like "Did you get Lisa a present for her birthday" and Homer looks all skeezy and backs away and says, "Yes, of course I did, I just left in the car. Let me go get it." And then when he's off camera you hear his footsteps pounding and the door slams and suddenly the car peels out of the driveway? Well, I heard something kind of like that, except it was from the other fifth grade room.

There was the pounding of footsteps and the door to the other room suddenly burst open and the footsteps continued down the hall toward our room. Suddenly, the door to our room burst open, and the other fifth grade teacher comes flying into the room.

"Who did that?" she asked. Everyone looked to me, still laughing. Again, horrified, I raised my hand to show it was me.

"We all heard that through the wall!" she proclaimed. And, that was all. She had half a smile on her face as she turned toward the door. And then, she paused, "You might want to check yourself, make sure you didn't leave a mess." And then she was gone.

More laughter and then, finally--mercifully--after about five minutes, everyone quieted down. Finally, through peals of mirthful giggles, I stepped forward and, with as much dignity and grace as I could muster, I softly offered up.

"Pardon me!" This caused the teacher to laugh more, and then we finally bagged the spelling bee and we all went outside for recess a little early. So, I guess, no one won the spelling bee, but we were all winners for having a little bit extra recess. And we owe it all to my ass.


Does this not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories? Then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

23 comments:

Scope said...

Yeah, some version of that's going in the book, isn't it?

Scope said...

Who hasn't been there? Trying to sneak out a "silent but deadly" but have it turn into a "cheek flapper".

I was sure your were going to have been up there, doing your spelling word, when someone in the other room moved a chair, making it sound like you summoned the Anemoi, Notus, Greek god of "the south wind".

The Peach Tart said...

While ladies don't fart...certainly Southern ladies...I did have an experience like that in elementary school and of course looked at my lab partner and blamed it on him

Eric said...

This reminds me of a scene cut from one of the Harry Potter movies.

otherworldlyone said...

Yes, ladies always blame it on someone else. It's the right thing to do.

Of course, my family being of the redneck "better out than in" variety...gatherings are always interesting (read: disgusting). I think I'm probably the only one out of the bunch that would be horrified by an experience like yours.

Sass said...

I'm probably missing something here.

Who's Sarah Klein?

erin said...

I say that a million times a day to one of my children, although I will not name which one...because it would cause great distress to said child.

BUT! This is how it goes. *Loud Horrifying Farting Noise Echoes Across The House*

Me: OH MY LIVING GOSH WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.

Said Child: Sorry Mom...

Me: Go to the bathroom immeadiately, there's no way you don't need a shower right now.

Said Child: MOMMMM!!!! It was just a toot.

Me: It was a freaking atomic bomb!

Kimizzy said...

Look on the bright side: at least you can't queef. That would have been much worse.

mylittlebecky said...

"through the wall!" was the best part. fantastic!

Cooper Green said...

I'm curious to know if one of the kids in the next room thought you were trying to help him out. What does PFFPPLLLPPPTT spell anyway?

Some Guy said...

You never mentioned whether you found any mess or not.

Frank said...

Luckily that hasn't happened to me, at least not in such a public setting, but I did have my face erupt in a spectacular nosebleed when I was giving a presentation in 6th grade. Not quite as embarrassing, but more messy.

LiLu said...

Ah, we've all misfired an SBD in our day... at least you got a recess out of it! Wonder if that would work in my office...

Margo said...

that other fifth grade teacher who came busting through the wall was one bent penny.

BeckEye said...

You should've just smiled and said, "F-L-A-T-U-L-E-N-C-E."

Vic said...

I remember those spelling bees! And the accordion dividers which made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I agree with Margo - neighbor teacher has some issues. Nice way to annihilate a kid in front of everyone.

Was it smelly too?

Cora said...

Awwww, poor little gassy Mjenks. Hee hee hee.

I'm impressed you weren't christened with a humiliating nickname out of that which haunted you for the rest of your school days....

Unless you were but just didn't confess it here. ;-)

Chemgeek said...

I hereby declare BeckEye's comment to be the funniest one.

Actually, I have no power to declare anything, but that has never stoped me.

P.S. I spelled 'stoped' wrong on purpose.

Nej said...

Did other members of your (or the neighboring) class try to use that tactic for longer recesses again that year??

Jeanne said...

I'm so glad I braved coming back on a Thursday -- I LOVE fart stories.

My favorite from my personal history is the time I was standing in a grocery store checkout line with my second husband (who later dumped me for a German trollop, so it turns out I was COMPLETELY justified) and I silently passed gas and then wandered away and left him there, writing the check while the checkout girl curled her lip and looked totally disgusted.

Zan said...

Like Rick James said, "Just let it rip..."

Or is that "let it whip"? "Rip" is more appropriate in this case.

Happy (belated) TMIT!

Joel D. Timm said...

Wow....I forgot all about the spelling bees, and the divider. Yet now that I think on it a bit I know I never won one of the bees. I got close once, final 2 or 3 I think, but never got to sit in the winners circle.

This little story must have happened after I left, because I would be sure to remember this.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Scope: Strangely enough, the night (or maybe the night before that) before I posted this, I was looking up various Personifications of the Wind as I rework the gods in my magnum opus and how they interact with the people in it.

@ Scope: Are you talking about the accordion and the goat? Because, yes, yes it is.

@ Peach Tart: Huh. I thought ladies farted pixie dust and rainbows.

@ Eric: When they were practicing the "flatus sonicus" charm?

@ otherworldlyone: Someday, I plan to tell the story of the night I brought my (now wife) girlfriend home to meet my family. All of them...

@ Sass: My girlfriend that I made up who turned out to be a complete and total whore. Just ask my mother.

@ Erin: We're currently having a battle with the kids about ripping ass at the dinner table. We're also currently losing that battle...

@ Kimizzy: True enough. You're very sagacious like that.

@ Mylittlebecky: Yeah, that was kind of what made me most proud about that story.

@ Cooper Green: I think it was a math test going on over there. I'm not sure. My memory is a little hazy.

@ Some Guy: Jesus, man, there's just some things you don't talk about in public!

@ Frank: Was anyone in the crowd one of those "pukes or faints at the sight of blood" type people? Because that would have been awesome!

@ Lilu: Yeah, I think the whole extra time at recess is the only thing that kept me from being branded for life by that little stunt.

@ Margo: Yes, I've always sort of resented that little comment, which is why I remember it so clearly.

@ Beckeye: Jesus, Beckeye, I'm lucky if I can spell my own name most days. That would have been a whopper.

@ Vic: Jesus, man, there are just some things you don't talk about in public! And, yeah, the other fifth grade teacher was kind of a cold-hearted witch.

@ Cora: Like I mentioned a bit ago, I think it might have been that I had garnered the class a little extra recess time. That, and I had plenty of other nicknames.

@ Chemgeek: How does one stope a person, anyway?

@ Nej: I don't think so. But, my friend Craig Arrivet did have a tendency to crank them out and then sort of work his ass back and forth on the seat, so that we always knew when he pootered.

@ Jeanne: Ah, beautiful. Those are the best. I do that to others all the time.

@ Zan: Amen to that. The Wisdom of Rick James, always appropriate. Thanks for coming by!

@ Joel: Yeah, I think it was in the spring, so you would have headed off for Minnesota by that point.