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Inspirational Reads

A Few Follow-Ups

July 22, 2009

I told you I used to be a member of the Liberal Media, right? If you're new to the show, back when I was in high school, I wrote a weekly column about my small town for the local rag. At the same time, I had an opinion column with the high school paper. I got burnt out pretty quickly doing two gigs like that, which is kind of funny, since one was a weekly column and the other was bi-monthly. Still, I had lots of activities going on, like quiz bowl (what? me? do trivia? never!), basketball, trying to get into college, trying to get laid. You know, the usual shit.

Anyway, what sort of journalistic integrity would I be providing if I didn't do a few follow up stories to those things I've reported here previously? A pretty lousy one, that's what, so to prove that I'm better than Keith Olbermann, I'll do those follow-ups, and you'll like them and not see them as a thinly veiled attempt to hide the fact that I was too lacking in creativity to give you anything new today.

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Remember when I told you about that brutal and savage criminal, Joseph Carnavale? He was the man responsible for inspiring terror during rush hour traffic because he built a barrel monster out of the orange and white barrels lining every fucking street in the Raleigh-Durham area and then set said monster alongside the road. Well, not only did he flash a few moments of brilliant creativity, but he also proved that the Raleigh police department is filled with humorless asshats.

Mr. Carnavale, a student at NC State University, had his day in court yesterday and was given 50 hours of community service. Carnavale said he would like to serve his sentence by working with Habitat for Humanity. Clearly, this is a deranged lunatic prowling our streets...at least according to Raleigh police.

"The law is what we enforce," Raleigh police spokeswoman Laura Hourigan said. "We go out every day and do our job, and the job is enforcement, and that's why we did what we did."

And good for you, Laura Hourigan. God bless the men and women in blue protecting our streets in Raleigh.

Meanwhile, the guy who killed Jenna Nielsen is still at large. Raleigh police have no leads at this time.

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Last Wednesday, I told you of James Waylett--the dude who plays Vincent Crabbe in the Harry Potter movies--and his...advanced studies of herbology. He, too, had his day in court (which apparently was also his 20th birthday). He was sentenced to 120 hours of community service.

He will spend most of it polishing the trophies with Filch. The rest of it will be spent changing Mrs. Norris' litter box.

Since Waylett, who was looking at a possibility of 14 years in prison, was quick to admit the pot was his and cooperated with the police so well, the judge saw fit to give him the community service rather than sending him to the hoosegow. I'm sure Lucius Malfoy had nothing to do with this.

Incidentally...my spell checker is perfectly fine with "hoosegow", but gives me a red underline for "herbology".

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On Monday, I told you of my drunken interactions with a couple of my students in a little afterhours soiree--and by soiree I mean a poorly-judged stumble onto campus.

Curious as to what happened to the students in the story (I never learned Barefoot Girl's name...other than it was Carrie, so no follow up there). Turns out that both of the students are now doctors. Sean is a podiatrist in Chicago. Andrea is a doctor at Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis.

Andrea is also married. I only know this because her Facebook profile has a picture of her in a white dress dancing with some guy in a tuxedo. My brilliant powers of deduction have led me to this conclusion. Also, I found a wedding announcement from her local paper.

As soon as I find Sean's email address, I'm going to find out if he wants me to repay him for that burger and fries.

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And finally, the other night my wife and I were lying in bed discussing how limited our childhoods were when it came to music and television. The whole story can be summed up as thus: if it wasn't the Judds or the Beach Boys, she didn't listen to it growing up, and my favorite band when I graduated high school was Simon & Garfunkel.

Television was not much better. She watched a lot of Golden Girls, 227, Amen and Empty Nest, whereas I watched Leave it to Beaver, The Andy Griffith Show, and the Waltons. I sighed and then said, "Yeah, I spent a lot of time reading when I was a kid."

"And masturbating," she added.

"No, not so much. Don't you remember the Jamie Randol story?"

"Oh yeah. How long would you go in between?"

"Like, weeks. Months, if I could. One of my main reasons, aside from feeling guilty, was that my mom had me terrified that Jesus was retuning at any second!, and I really didn't want to be lying there beating off when the Rapture occurred."

"Wow, so, what, she told you that if you stroked the one-eyed monster, Jesus would come?"

*pregnant silence followed by gales of laughter*

When I composed myself: "I am so blogging about this."

16 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

I love the Jamie story.

Mama used to tell me all the time that if I masturbated I was going straight to hell. This from a woman who I discovered had a stash of Polaroid pictures of dicks in her nightstand.

otherworldlyone said...

I'm loving the hover text on the barrels. =)

It's amazing what people will believe when Jesus is involved.

That story produces a hilarious mental image btw.

Samsmama said...

So you masturbate and Jesus comes? Wow. You must be really good.

BeckEye said...

Too bad that guy didn't make the barrel monster look like he was masturbating.

mo.stoneskin said...

A classic example of in-bed conversation.

red said...

I still want a barrel monster. That dude should spend his community service hours making mini barrel monsters!

Kristine said...

Ha! Love that monster. Reminds me of the guys who hacked one of those roadside signs to read "Zombies Ahead"

Bev said...

Excellent, all of it!

First, I'm sure Professor Sprout is proud of Crabbe's herbology efforts. Something tells me she is down with the wacky tobaccy.

Secondly, I'm glad your ex-students are doing so well. I'm sure where ever barefoot girl is, she is still regretting not taking you up on your oh-so-sexy pick-up line.

Third, you can make Jesus come that way? WOW! Mad skillz, yo.

Mala said...

Good to know that the Raleigh area will finally be free of those menacing barrel monsters! Really, such a blight on society. Not like murderers.

Jidai said...

Never underestimate the power of a good cartoon.

Jules said...

I had no idea Jesus liked Hummus. But that makes sense based on where he's from and all.

corticoWhat said...

Jesus would have been back a looonnng time ago. Or did you mean He would come, not come back? With a world population of over 6 billion, if He came every time someone.......

snowelf said...

I'm sorry, but that barrel monster is just good stuff. You know what would be cool--if you made a place where you could put some menthos and diet coke in it and...well... you know where I'm going with this.

--snow

JennyMac said...

No one even mentioned the word masturbation in my house. Although, once, my parents randy sex session woke me up. I was too young to know what it was and thought monsters were eating them. I ran into my brother's room at the other end of the house. I burst through door to beg for help to find him jerking off to a pile of porn. I sprinted to our laundry room and hid. I bet he would have LOVED to believe Jesus was going to return so no touching the monkey. He was mortified for a decade. Had my mom only known your Mom's powerful message, I would not have witnessed something so incredibly heinous.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Damn, yo, I thought hoosegow was a word the Red Hot Chili Peppers made up to rhyme with "never been an better time than Right Now".

Also, which one are you in that picture?

And, what the hell year did you graduate high school listening to Simon and Garfunkel? I've assumed all this time you were younger than me!

Nej said...

There's a burger joint down the street that makes a wicked lamb burger with cucumber sauce. Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Guess I know where I'm going for lunch. :-) :-)