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TMI Thursday: Honest Scrap

July 23, 2009

So, last week, OtherWorldlyOne saddled awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award. She got the award from the lovely Rita. I'm not sure how it was passed down, but in my mind it was some hot girl-on-girl action and then at the end, Rita was like, "Here you go."

I don't care if that's not how it happened. That's how it happened in here. *taps temple*

I was thrilled for about five seconds and figured, hell, why not actually do one of these meme things. Cuts down on the creativity, right? Then I looked into what I needed to do, and holy fuck, it's a lot of work. First, I have to jump up and down without pants on, but I do that every night when I get home, so check. Then I have to list ten things that no one else knows about me, which is really kind of impossible, since at least someone knows this other shit, most likely because I brag about my many accomplishments and just how effing perfect I am. And there's the other things like saddle award this thing to ten other people blahblahblah take your top off.


And then I thought, oh, hells yeah, I can morph this into a TMI Thursday because I have a lot of little vignettes that wouldn't really make a great TMI post by themselves, but combined together, their power will be unstoppable! Kind of like Captain Planet, but a whole lot dirtier.

So, here is my contribution to both the world of the Honest Scrap Award and TMI Thursday. Holy shit, I'm a multitasker.

1.) In high school, I had a girlfriend who worked at Target. One night, I went through her line and bought a single jar of vaseline. She gives me a look, cocks one eyebrow, and asks in a real knowing fashion, "What is this for?" And I said, "Well, I figure I'm going to need a lot of this since I think things are over between us." We weren't having sex, but I couldn't pass up the chance to be a total dick, especially since I still chuckle at that memory when it floats to the surface. It's one of the bigger dick moves I've ever pulled in all my life...and one of the funniest.

That night I made good on my announcement. Twice.

2.) Speaking of Vaseline, that used to be my autoerotic lubricant of choice. Until one day I was laying in the bathtub and I looked down and saw some horrible carbunkle on the shaft of my penis. Immediately, I thought it was genital warts. I looked at my hand and said, "Who else have you been having sex with?" My hand was curiously quiet on the matter, which automatically means guilt. Whore. Then I figured out that it wasn't genital warts, but just a big nasty zit. On my dick! Fortunately, I was in the tub, so I could soak it until it was soft (the zit, not my dick...you'd be amazed at how unhard a dick can get when you realize it's afflicted with acne). I burst the zit, and then I found a second one, and burst it to.

The next day I switched to KY.


3.) On the suggestion of a friend, I once smoked a cigar while taking a shit. It was the most relaxing thing I've ever done. If I could get a blow job at the same time, I think I'd be in heaven. Curiously, I haven't found a woman willing to fulfill this ultimate fantasy.

4.) I once won a pissing contest. Not the kind the where you mark your territory. No, I was going for distance. And I had two witnesses. And it was in the bathroom at the bookstore where I worked.

5.) When I was a Freshman in college, I got shitfaced drunk. Okay, I did that a lot. The first time I got faced, I went running down to the bathroom to piss. I decided it was a long walk back to the urinals (all of five feet), so I whipped it out and pissed in one of the sinks. Two girls were standing in the bathroom, checking their make-up. I saw them watching me in the mirror, so I looked over and nodded at them. They smiled that sort of scared-yet-friendly smile you'd offer a homeless guy who is changing your flat tire for you. As I was finished and shaking the dew from my lily, I looked over and said: "So, you two getting laid tonight?" I left without getting a response.

To this day, I have no fucking clue who they were.

6.) Sometimes, when I crank out a particularly monstrous shit, I feel the need to share it with my fellow man. So, I won't flush. If it's one of those where one of the turdlogs is sticking up above the waterline, I will go to another stall to finish the clean up. I do not want my artwork sullied by the paper. When this happens, I refer to it as "The Nessie."

7.) I know what semen tastes like. Yes, I got snowballed. No, I don't think I was number 37. I must say, I have a rather piquant flavor with an earthy aftertaste.

8.) Once, in high school, the insides of my right thigh hurt, so I thought I'd smear some Ben-Gay on it. At the time, I was a big fan of the Ben-Gay. In order to access the groin, I dropped trou. I applied the salve and thought, "Hey, my pants are down, I might as well piss." So, I grabbed my dick in the same hand that I used to apply the balm. It wasn't so bad until I decided it was time to wipe off and some of the medicine entered my urethra through my pee port.

Agony.

My first thought after that was, "Hey, if I rub one out, maybe when I cum, I'll force the burning medicine out." However, before I started, I rethought that decision and just let the medicine run its course. It's perhaps the wisest thing--aside from marrying my wife--that I've ever done.

And, yes, Scope told a very similar story to this. I've been sitting on it, though, because I didn't want to look like a copycat.

I've also foregone the use of Icy Hot/Ben-Gay/Whatever other Salicylic acid product there is on the market since that day forth.

9.) I have pissed on Notre Dame Stadium. And while this might seem antithetical to my fandom, I must say I had a lot of beer at senior bar that night. I also pissed on Galvin Hall of Biology and on the bus stop out in front of Hesbergh Library--which you know better as Touchdown Jesus. How I managed to hold it all the way through D Parking Lot, I'll never know.

10.) After my daughter was born, we were going through that "no sex because your wife has just passed a newborn infant through her vagoo and it's tender and sore and trying to recover" stage. One morning, while I was getting ready to go into the lab, I turned on CNN Headline News while I ate my breakfast. Robin Meade and her gigantic breasts were there to greet me. Being that I had a lot of pent up sexual rage and my wife was asleep, I decided that it would be a good time to start Flogging Molly. Things slowed down a little bit when Dr. Sanjay Gupta popped up on the screen, but fortunately Robin was back quickly so I could seal the deal. A little bit might have gotten in my cream of wheat. Being that I've already been through #7 above, I ate it anyway.

So, there you go. Whichever ten of you haven't won this award yet and managed to make it down here, congratulations. You get your very own Honest Scrap Award to disdain love.


Does this not sate your thirst for awesome TMI stories? Then check out all the other glorious tales of things we probably shouldn't tell at LiLu's home for the staunchy raunchy, TMI Thursdays!

34 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

I forgive you for the saddled comment...but only because you're *air quotes* special.

Alright...and fucking hilarious.

#1 - NICE!
#2 - I have never seen a dick afflicted with acne...and I hope to gawd I never do.
#3 - I think the phrase, "want in one hand and shit in the other... see which fills up the fastest", is appropriate. Wow.
#7 - But were you prepared for it?

Cowguy said...

"the most relaxing thing I've ever done"

I sat here and cried...

Lordy Lordy Lordy.

Moooooog35 said...

Just get a shirt that says, 'Do You Blumpkin?'

If you get any 'yes' responses, then you've got your BJ on the john, my friend.

Remember to take video.

Bev said...

I'm grossed out but oddly turned on. I'm sure you get that a lot.

Whiskey Girl said...

That totally made me all horny!!!

j-face said...

I'm.....yeah....I'm pretty sure I need to ask you to be my life coach.

Sass said...

Um...


wow.

That is all.

mylittlebecky said...

eeew, that was... eeeew. good job though!

Samsmama said...

I can't decide if I'm turned on or if I want to go take a shit.

The thought of you pissing in the sink then all casually looking over at those girls and nodding fucking killed me!

And the poor girl you dumped...WHILE on duty. At Target. Geez, that probably damaged her for quite some time.

Eric said...

Wow TMI x 10... Stunned...

red said...

#2 might be the grossest thing I've ever heard.

corticoWhat said...

"They smiled that sort of scared-yet-friendly smile you'd offer a homeless guy who is changing your flat tire for you." Maybe the most insightful, funny sentences I've ever read.

Nej said...

While I understand the impressiveness of a good dump, leaving it for others just doesn't do it for me.

(shaking head)

Nope, not at all. :-)

The Peach Tart said...

Quite an impressive list. You've been busy. Somehow I have a feeling you're never going to find a lady to give you a blow job while shitting though.

BeckEye said...

Ah, the elusive blumpkin. Add that to "Things I Learned About By Listening to Howard Stern." Now that he's on XM or Sirius or whatever bullshit paid radio service, I have no idea what crazy sex stuff the cool kids are doing these days. Sad.

Jules said...

That was very......informative. Thanks....for....um...sharing. Wow. I might know you a little TOO well now.

Soda and Candy said...

I just used a big word for ya.
: )

snowelf said...

Alright Mjenks, now that I've read stuff I will never be able to unread about you, I crown you the King of TMI. If I could remember how to say it in Latin, I would. Regis TMI maybe? Is that close?

That is all. :)

--snow

Elliott said...

This is overshare of kingly proportions. Thanks...I think...

As to #3, with cash all things are possible. Or Craigslist.

#8 - haven't done that precisely, but lets just say it's important to drain your bladder and resolve any other bodily functions or urges BEFORE chopping a dozen or so chiles. Just sayin.

mo.stoneskin said...

"Cuts down on the creativity, right?"

That's why on the whole I chicken out.

Can't believe you played the vaseline card.

words...words...words... said...

Wow. TMI just does not do this justice. I dub it TMTMI.

Also, the Dr. Sanjay Gupta reference is probably the funniest thing I'm going to see all day.

Lostinspace said...

That was the funniest list of 10 things I never ever needed to know.

Stephanie said...

vagoo....***storing that in my "for when I get drunk and wanna talk about picking cotton" portion of my brain....***

LiLu said...

I think this:

"you'd be amazed at how unhard a dick can get when you realize it's afflicted with acne"

might be my very favorite phrase to ever come out of TMIT.

And HOW was #7 not its own TMI???

Fancy Schmancy said...

Good lord, I think I love you. That was the best, worst, funniest, grossest list ever. You win!

But really, flush the effing toilet!

JennyMac said...

You are one of the VERY few men who would openly admit to #7 and give it a food network quality of taste review. Good lord...I need a glass of vino. LOL.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

OMG!! OMG!!OMG!!!!
And I am still trying to figure out what a snowball is....

Zan said...

I think I love you.

Too bad you're already married.

Does your wife know these things? LOL...I'm sure she would love you all the more.

Scope said...

Ah, the burn that cannot be unforgotten. Everytime I see ICY/HOT, I "turtle" a little.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Otherworldlyone: I'm the specialist.

And, let's just say, I didn't know a dick could get afflicted with acne. And I'm certainly disgusted that I had to learn that with my very own dick.

And, yes, I was prepared. We were watching Clerks.

@ Cowguy: I also had a can of beer with me. That may have helped with the relaxation.

@ Moooooog35: Yeah, but then other people would catch on, and then they'd all be doing it, and my special little slice of heaven would be ruined. I'll just keep searching the old fashioned way: by slipping things into their drinks at the bar.

@ Bev: Hmmmm...I'm sensing a disturbing trend is about to form.

@ Courtney: Yes, the trend is getting more disturbing.

@ Jerrod: Yes, this is spiraling to new heights now. Fuck this chemistry stuff.

@ Sass: My work here is done.

@ mylittlebecky: Thank you, for both the 'ewww' and the 'good job'.

@ Samsmama: And, the trend continues.

As for the girl I dumped, she rebounded nicely with a rather portly fellow who worked at the same Target.

@ Eric: Is this "I've just been dumped while working at Target" stunned or "I just found what the last guy left in the toilet" stunned?

@ red: Imagine looking down at your dick and seeing that!

Okay, um...first, imagine you had a dick. Now, go from there.

@ CorticoWhat?: I do manage to craft a fine sense of terror with words.

@ Nej: Which is half the fun.

@ The Peach Tart: Not being able to find the grail didn't stop King Arthur, did it?

@ Beckeye: Apparently, head on over to Moooooog's place. He's up on all that stuff.

@ Jules: I completely understand if you need to go take a shower now.

@ Soda & Candy: And it was Kim Jong Illin'. Okay, maybe I've overused that phrase now.

@ Snowelf: Regis TMI works for me!

@ Elliot: Awesome. I have now defended the title given to me one spot above by Snowelf.

Oh, and I'm familiar with the chopping of the chilis and then then taking of the whizz and the burning of the penis.

@ Mo: Yeah, word went around the school pretty quickly that I was stroking it. And I would counter with "And you don't?"

That was always kind of a funny reaction to see.

@ Words^3: Well, Dr. Sanjay wasn't funny for me at the time. However, I did share a little giggle with myself when his name was being bandied about for the Surgeon General post.

@ Lostinspace: Thank you, sir. I aim to please.

@ Stephanie: I knew that term would catch on!

@ Lilu: Because it was with an ex-girlfriend whom I haven't really talked about much on here. I mean, Jesus, my name is the URL and all.

@ Fancy: And, you've continued this disturbing trend I picked up on earlier.

@ Jennymac: Is it going to be a red...or a white.

*laughs at my own cleverness*

But, seriously, I'm pretty okay with myself and my masculinity.

@ Lisa: It's when you compact snow into a spherical shape.

@ Zan: She does now.

And, seriously. You and all the rest of the fine, fine ladies on here who were either turned on or moved to declare your love for me. If I had known that tactic would work, I would have described how often I jerked off and what sorts of distortions used to be on my dick while I was still on the bar scene. Would have been a lot more handy than just "So, what do you do?"

@ Scope: And the whole receding balzac thing, too. Sometimes I'll give an audible shudder, to complete the image.

Gwen said...

I know a gal who gives blumpkins.

Snowballed: *shudder* Were you warned?

Nessie: *snort!*

Vagoo: totally using it

I heart you.

Mala said...

Oh Mah Hell! How on gawd's green Earth did I miss this post!!! I LOVE TMI Thursday!

Sassy Britches said...

I don't know when I've ever been more disgusted. Well done.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

3.) On the suggestion of a friend, I once smoked a cigar while taking a shit. It was the most relaxing thing I've ever done. If I could get a blow job at the same time, I think I'd be in heaven. Curiously, I haven't found a woman willing to fulfill this ultimate fantasy.

Did you ask Monica Lewinski? I hear she's available now.