This is my five hundredth post. I was going to write something pithy and brilliant centered on the number five hundred...but, since today is my son's fifth birthday, you're getting this instead. Nothing says "Happy Birthday, Son of Mine" like being publicly mocked and humiliated on the internet!
Yesterday, my daughter was being a snot. Cookie (as I've designated her on this here corner of the innerwebs) decided she wanted to have a tea party...an all girl tea party. My son, Tank, wanted to go to the tea party, too, but since he's not a girl, Cookie wouldn't let him.
My wife, the Comely and Buxom and Ailurophobic Bouddica, tried to talk Cookie into letting Tank come to her tea party, but she'd have none of that shit. Tired of arguing, my wife went to take a shower.
When she emerged from the shower, there was Cookie standing by the door to our closet, giggling. Tank was nowhere to be seen.
"Where is [name redacted] Tank?" my wife asked.
"He's in the closet," Cookie responded.
"Tank, come out of the closet," my wife said.
"I can't," he giggled. "It's too embarrassing."
This went on for a few minutes until finally the closet door creaked open and, well, this emerged:
The thing on top of his head is a scarf that has been cleverly tied up to resemble a wig. The clothes are Cookie's, but I think the shoes are Bouddica's. It's nice to see the boy can accessorize. Just notice how striking that red belt is with the black ensemble.
*sigh*
The problem is, he didn't want to change out of his clothes. He liked dressing up in girls' clothes. He claimed it was more fun to be a girl. In lieu of a tea party, they decided to have a fashion show. Oh, those plucky children of mine.
My wife is distraught. She wants me to take him and do manly things with him. At a loss, I didn't know what to do. Teach him how to piss in the stream out back? Download some videos of other guys getting kicked in the nuts and laugh at their pain and suffering? Take him to the joint down the street with the signs out front proudly proclaiming they boast an "All Girl Staff"? Blow some shit up? Vegas?
So, I sat down and pondered this situation in the only way I knew how: by asking myself "What Would Homer Simpson Do?" I immediately went home and fell asleep on the couch, ignoring my children. When I took them outside after my nap, Tank was climbing to the top of the swingset and hurtling himself off it. I figured there was no activity that was more "little boy" than a possible shattered pelvis and thusly patted myself on the back for another parenting job well done.
Oh Homer, you never fail me.
1 day ago
30 comments:
Well Tank's little ploy was actually ingenious when you think of it...good not to make too much of gender identity at that age...the Homer philosophy seems to have served you well in this case
I wouldn't worry about him becoming a drag queen. I mean, first there is the hurdling himself off things, and then there is the fact that no queen would wear something that baggy.
500 freakin' posts, whoa, that's humbling. I bow to your blogness. About the other thing, I suggest 24 hours of Three Stooges.
My son like to wear my jewelry. I'm less concerned about that than when he tries to drink my perfume.
My son used to do the same thing.
He's now mortified by it, or so he claims.
The other day, though, we saw some pictures of him in a curly blonde wig and princess dress, and his response?
"I'd make a cute girl."
This was followed by a belch heard 'round the world...so I'm saying it's okay. ;)
lol, go work on the car or blow something up with him... just don't blow up the car.
Congrats on 500, man! Here's hoping Tank never has to ummm.... come out of the closet again. (I kid, I kid...)
Oh, and "WWHSD" is my new go-to for decision making.
If you want, you can send him to San Diego for Pride next weekend. You know, just to make sure.
Congrats on the 5-Hundo!
I'd show him the nut-kicking videos. It couldn't hurt. If it doesn't abate the cross-dressing, it'll at least teach him that the crotch should be protected at all costs.
Bah, I dressed as a girl when I was a kid and I turned out fine...except for that strange high heel shoe fetish I have...and my new-found appreciation of a good shade of lipstick...
take him fishing. or teach him to swim by just lobbing him into the lake and yelling 'tough up boy!'
I think those are pretty manly.
Make him kill a defenseless animal, with his bare hands.
The nut never falls far from the tree!
Or so they say. :)
Wow... you are a brave fatherly figure posting that. Perfect manly thing to do on your 500th post. Congrats.
Congrats on 500, Father Of The Year!
Well...he adapted...he didnt get his tea party invite so he strategically arranged a fashion show...either way he got to play. Win!!!
Homer Simpson should write a book.
Homer is the best dad ever! Also I love your daughter! She is sooo cute! Oh, it's your son... Well, sorry about that.
You are clearly the perfect dad.
Although, you could have taken Tank out to shoot at rocks or something, just to make even more of a man of him. Or maybe cut down some trees?
5-hundy...congrats!!!!!!!!!
I wouldn't worry too much about the cross dressing thing. I mean, so what if he thinks girls are more fun.........they are!!!! :-) :-)
Nice work Homer.
You can tell your wife there's nothing weird about Tank's behaviour. Freaking out about it would do more damage than simply letting him go ahead and play and work things out for himself.
My nephew at three years old used to go around wearing the washing up gloves (which on him were opera length) and carrying nanna's handbag, and he turned out blokey as hell.
500! I'm impressed (and have A LOT of reading to catch up). Congrats on your bloggy greatness!
Your Father of The Year award is in the mail!
Congrats on the big 500, squire!
WWHD is the only philosophy a gentleman truly needs...
Just sit him down in front of the TV and oogle women. "Hey son, what do ya think of those?" kind of thing.
Might work. And you get to sit. And oogle.
HAHAHAHA. Your story made me laugh out loud this am. And real drags queens wear makeup...:)
and Bravo on 500 posts.
You weren't kidding about embarassing him on your blog. He's going to kill you for this in about 10 years! This reminds me of the time I woke my son up to get him to daycare, he was probably about 4, and I found him wearing a pair of pantyhose he had dug out of the garbage. I asked him why he was sleeping in them, he said it was because they felt so soft. Eek!
A real picture! I love it :)
Pffft! My sister and I did that too our little brother when he was three. We dressed him up like a girl and named him "Lisa" and he was THRILLED to finally be allowed to play with us.
*snicker*
But then my mom walked in and melted down! My sis and I were busted and "Lisa" was hauled out of the room crying his eyes out, begging to be let back in the "play like girls."
He grew up fine, Mjenks. No scarring at all. He was breaking the neighbor's glass table and hiding Playboys under his bed within a few short years.
Mee no cann spel ~ I meant to, not too.
Happy birthday, Tank! I applaud your tenacity and willingness to think outside the closet. I hope you had a wonderful day and ate your body weight in cake and ice cream.
Congrats on 500, jenks! Your corner of the webs is a place I like to hang out so keep it up.
Have you told him that boys like to pee on things (or was it in public?)? Didn't your Papa pass that one on to you and see how manly-ajusted you turned out to be? I think he'll be end up ok.
And WOW 500 posts. Man, color me impressed and in awe. All hail the mighty Mjenks
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