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Things I Learned This Weekend

July 27, 2009

I learned a couple of things this weekend. I thought I would share them with you.

  • Trying to remove a tick from your body with Vicks VapoRub doesn't really work. Last week, I told you about how I forever forsook the possession of Vaseline. Without a viable petroleum-jelly-based product in the house, I had to opt for the second best thing I could find. I thought VapoRub would work, though. I mean, it's basically petroleum jelly infused with some menthol. Not only would it suffocate the little fucker, but the vapors should irritate and annoy it so that it would want to leave my body. No dice.

  • The idea that you can cause the little bloodsucking bastard to back out of the hole he's pierced in your flesh by touching his ass with a hot match is a lie. I lit a match, blew it out, and managed to burn myself while trying to lightly touch the tick's ass with the blackened end of the match. My wife ended up heating up a pair of tweezers and singeing my flesh trying to induce the little cocksucker vampire to leave. Again, no dice. She ended up pulling it out.

  • My son is a fucking man. In case there were doubts after he dressed up in his sister's clothes, he put those fears to rest this weekend. I saw the offending spot on my ankle yesterday morning and as he was playing near my feet, I asked him to brush it off. He said he couldn't. He then informed me that he had "a spot like that", but he pulled it off. "Where was this spot?" I asked. He then proceeded to pull up his shorts and show me where the tick had lodged itself into his flesh. It was in his groin. In that sort, tender area where his left leg joins with the trunk of his body.

Now that's a fucking man for you. Next, I can only assume that he'll be felling trees with on swing of his mighty axe. And then he'll shave with a knife that he sharpened on the sun-bleached bones of his fallen enemies. Or maybe he'll just do the ultimate in manliness, and kick a cat.

26 comments:

Jules said...

I've never heard the Vasoline thing for a tick. I always thought you were supposed to burn them and pull them out. You should ALWAYS listen to your wife!

mo.stoneskin said...

From what I've heard ticks actually like Vics, as prolific smokers it hides the stench from their wives, and also streamlines their little bodies meaning they can jump even further.

Bev said...

UGH! Ticks are so nasty. I always just pull the little buggers out and put them in a glass of rubbing alcohol. I probably leave behind their little tick heads and don't even know it. Ew.

WTG to your little man! Next week I have no doubt he'll be sprouting chest hair.

Whiskey Girl said...

So in conclusion - you son is more of a man than you are......

Mala said...

cocksucker???? Wait, where was your tick?????

Elliott said...

I have thankfully never been tick-infested, the thought of taking a hot match to my personal area doesn't appeal to me. I'm sure my luck is in direct proportion to the amount of Deet I bathe in prior to any outdoor excursion.

Nej said...

Cat kicking and tick pulling...yes, those are two qualities I look for in a man.

Well...maybe not the cat kicking.

But the tick pulling is imperative. :-)

red said...

No Ticks: Reason #15,225 I'm glad I live in San Diego.

The Peach Tart said...

pulling out ticks from the groin - manly alright

Eric said...

I get rid of all my unwanted ticks by playing reruns of 'Mama's Family, second season' on DVD.

Haha, just kidding, 'unwanted' implies there are ticks that I want.

words...words...words... said...

If you want ticks to leave, you have to deny them what they come for. So just drain all the blood from your body, and they will quickly leave.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Wow, he's like Bear or Wild or whatever that guy is that can be dropped in the wilderness for a week with no food or water! Awesome little dude!

Jidai said...

I remember being younger and pulling one out of the back of my head. It's no big deal...

Wussy.

j-face said...

Damn, I hate me some cats...

Soda and Candy said...

Hahaha, gold.

I hate ticks! I always used to get paranoid about them whenever I went on a bushwalk.

Gwen said...

Jesus eff, ticks are gross!

JennyMac said...

I too have not heard of any other method than burning match stick. I think they would get quite a buzz of the Vics and probably ring all their pals to pay you a visit. The cartel of the bloodsuckers.

And teach your son to flex his biceps..this is also manly.

LiLu said...

I can only imagine how "adventurous" it was getting that thing out...

That Baldy Fella said...

I'd just like to be the first person to say - spoooooon!

coolred38 said...

My son got one behind his ear one time...and decided to call my attention to it while I was doing 70mph on the highway...needless to say thank God we all wear seatbelts!!!

Your little man will be wrestling snakes and deballing horses barehanded in no time.

Pfangirl said...

Ugh, I hate ticks...reminds me of a few weeks back when I went hiking and came back with 6 or 7 of the wretched things all over my body.

The Vaseline method is supposed to be the best but I'm impatient for just getting them off me. Burning with a match kills the tick but leaves its head still embedded. Normally I just go for a straight pulling off method; followed by using tweezers to remove the head if it's still attached.

otherworldlyone said...

Ticks.freak.me.out.

Ok, since I have issues with Spongebob, as we've established on one of your previous posts...I feel it's ok to tell you that when I read this I had a SB flashback. Is it the movie or an episode where they (SB and Patrick) are marching around singing "Now that we're men"?

Fucking song is gonna be stuck in my head all day.

snowelf said...

Tank is da man. Gotta give him props.

--snow

Organic Meatbag said...

Ooooh boy, ticks are not fun...they certainly are as not much fun as their cartoon counterpart...I mean, did he ever latch himself onto somebody's balls and extract blood on the cartoon? The answer: "Hell no"...

Lisa-tastrophies said...

So, your son Tick's Ass?
OK, sorry about the pun.

Anonymous said...

PLease don't swear. Your kids will read your blog someday, if they don't already. There is no reason to use that kind of crude language.