Things I Learned This Weekend

I learned a couple of things this weekend. I thought I would share them with you.

• Trying to remove a tick from your body with Vicks VapoRub doesn't really work. Last week, I told you about how I forever forsook the possession of Vaseline. Without a viable petroleum-jelly-based product in the house, I had to opt for the second best thing I could find. I thought VapoRub would work, though. I mean, it's basically petroleum jelly infused with some menthol. Not only would it suffocate the little fucker, but the vapors should irritate and annoy it so that it would want to leave my body. No dice.


• The idea that you can cause the little bloodsucking bastard to back out of the hole he's pierced in your flesh by touching his ass with a hot match is a lie. I lit a match, blew it out, and managed to burn myself while trying to lightly touch the tick's ass with the blackened end of the match. My wife ended up heating up a pair of tweezers and singeing my flesh trying to induce the little cocksucker vampire to leave. Again, no dice. She ended up pulling it out.


• My son is a fucking man. In case there were doubts after he dressed up in his sister's clothes, he put those fears to rest this weekend. I saw the offending spot on my ankle yesterday morning and as he was playing near my feet, I asked him to brush it off. He said he couldn't. He then informed me that he had "a spot like that", but he pulled it off. "Where was this spot?" I asked. He then proceeded to pull up his shorts and show me where the tick had lodged itself into his flesh. It was in his groin. In that sort, tender area where his left leg joins with the trunk of his body.

Now that's a fucking man for you. Next, I can only assume that he'll be felling trees with on swing of his mighty axe. And then he'll shave with a knife that he sharpened on the sun-bleached bones of his fallen enemies. Or maybe he'll just do the ultimate in manliness, and kick a cat.