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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Vol. XXXII

July 10, 2009

Can you feel it? We're in the middle of summer, and that can mean only one thing: the Major League Baseball All-Star Game is upon us. Or nearly so. What was that? Did I hear a collective 'ho-hum' from the audience?

I can hardly blame you. As far as All-Star events go, baseball probably does have the best showcase--though it's been diluted down even further by having 33 players on each side now. Bud Selig, always striving for mediocrity.

Now, there used to be a time when I gave a shit about baseball, and I used to love the All-Star Game. I used to wait with bated breath during the summer months until the event was upon us (I mean, I was a Cubs's not like I was waiting for the play-offs). Now? I had to look it up to see if the damned thing had been played yet or not, and whether I'd have to shuffle this week's Latin Lesson to the World Series.

The last time I watched an All-Star game was in 2000, and that's a bit of a stretch even. I was still single back then, but I was dating the comely and buxom and ailurophobic Bouddica. I lived in a swinging bachelor's pad out by the airport with three other guys, all chemists in some capacity (two biochemists, a chem engineer, and me). Somehow, we all snuck out of our respective labs early. A couple of my friends went and bought the booze, and I picked up a couple of pizzas for the evening. Papa John's, with jalapenos and Italian sausage. I decided that we also needed some porn, so I picked up the latest Playboy out on the shelves. It was the one with Darva Conger in it. I was underwhelmed. The only thing I remember about the spread was that she had nipples that bore a disturbing resemblance to Cocoa Puffs. *shudder*

As for who won the All-Star game? Shit, I dunno. Tottenham Hotspur? Let's go with them. We dragged a television out onto the deck at the house we were renting, but we ended up getting shit-faced drunk and shooting off bottle rockets long into the night. I can assure you that the drinking and the explosives were far more entertaining than the baseball "game".

Anyway, should you find yourself next Tuesday hanging out, drinking heavily, or shooting off illegal fireworks--or hell, all three--you can turn to the chap next to you and fire off this little beauty. Profundity shall ensue:

Lex clavitoris designati rescindenda est!

Pronounced: "Laix clah-vee-toar-eese day-seeg-nah-tee ray-skeen-dain-dah est!"

Translation is in the hovertext.

I did try to look up pictures of some of your favorite teams to feature here, since some of you still like the baseball and whatnot. Most of the Red Sox pictures had already been seen over at Jon and Mike's respective places. A search for "Sexy Twins" gave me results that I wasn't quite looking for (but bookmarked nonetheless). And, sorry, Red, when I looked up "Sexy Padres Fan", all I got was this.


Jon said...

I've always been a staunch supporter of the DH rule. And it's unlikely that I'll change my mind, but still, I wouldn't object to Latin Girl there trying a little harder to convince me.

I'd like to designati her clavitoris, if you know what I mean...

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, I think it's a National League vs American League thing.

Or, it could be a Red Sox Nation thing, since, after wracking my brains for all of ten seconds, I could only think of three people who have defended the DH rule, and they're all Red Sox fans.

And, yeah, her lex est clavitoris, alright.

otherworldlyone said..., whatever.

A bunch of drunk chemists setting off bottle rockets. I can't decide if it's more funny or disturbing. I'll go with funny for now.

Eric said...

Lex clavitoris designati rescindenda est! Especially if the bat girl there is asking (and she is not even a redhead or strawberry blonde).

By the way, the Texas Rangers perpetually ruin baseball for me. Every year (well almost), they start out so promising, then always, they dash my naive hopes. They've only been close once after the All Star game, like ever. You would think I would learn...

Nej said...

I'm impressed you remember what was on the pizza. :-)

Gwen said...

All-Star Game, Schmall-Star Game. All I care about is a bunch of baseball hooligans are going to be spending a lot of money in my city this weekend. Woot!

corticoWhat said...

SEXY PADRES! Cubs fans never forget!


words...words...words... said...

The DH is about as good an idea as Hawaiian pizza. (That means not good at all.) That's why the AL plays beer-league softball and the NL plays baseball.

Also, I lay claim to being the sexiest Phillies fan in Blogworld. Kiss the ring!

Soda and Candy said...

Euuuwwww, cocoa puff nipples.

PS - WWW - Hawaiian pizza is the best, fool.

red said...

That's probably because I am the sexiest Padres Fan and I try to limit the photos you can find of me on the interwebs. I wouldn't want the less sexy fans getting jealous.

I had a rather traumatic evening in Chicago last year during the All Star Game which, for some reason, makes it near and dear to my heart. Also, watching Heath Bell NOT blow the save for the NL this year will be a nice change, doncha think?

words...words...words... said...


BeckEye said...

I think the last All Star Game I cared about was held in Pittsburgh, at ye olde Three Rivers Stadium. It was a fun-filled weekend back in my baseball loving days, capped off by the premiere of "Angels in the Outfield." Tony Danza was there. It was glorious.

I have no idea what year that was.

Jidai said...

Do not bash the DH! I grew up with the DH! Plus interleague play has proven the AL can beat the NL any day of the week with, or without the DH.

I only tend to watch the introductions to see my teams players.

3 this year and one starting!

*note: I am not and never will be a Red Sox fan.

Cowguy said...

Darva... ha. Where's all the chicks with Lucky Charms nipples anyway?

*has no sexy twins story*

*it's my anniversary you know*


Cora said...

Not cuckoo for the Cocoa Puff nipples then?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I don't really like baseball. Except I love going to see the Dodgers play at Dodgers Stadium. I just love the crowd yelling and the cute bums on the field.

Lana said...

i've always been an AL girl, so not having the dh rule seems so silly to me. but i love watching the all star game, it just feels like the players are actually having fun and enjoying themselves.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Otherworldlyone: Why disturbing? Granted, we would sometimes discuss the heat of enthalpy involved in the firing off of the rockets, but nothing more disturbing than that.

@ Eric: I had no idea that you were a Rangers fan. And, based on my Cubs fandom, I can understand your frustration. At least the Cubs didn't destroy the payroll for a steroid-blasting womanizer.

@ Nej: It was one of the last times I was ever able to eat jalapenos.

@ Gwen: So, if we don't hear from you for a couple of days, it's because you found one of them there drunken baseball hooligans, eh?

@ CorticoWHAT?: Curse you, 1984! *shakes fist* Also, yes, those two are sexy, if for no other reason than that they could probably kick my ass if I said they weren't.

@ words^3: Alas, I forgot you were a Phillies fan. While trying to remember everyone's favorite teams, I dismissed the Phillies because my friend from grad has yet to answer my email about cankles, and thus I didn't bother with the Phils. My apologies.

And, your's so big!

@ Soda & Candy: My thoughts exactly. I remember thinking "she's not bad looking" and then screaming like Homer when I saw those curled brown things.

@ red: Oh, well, that makes perfect sense then. I should have stolen that pic of your hand from your birthday post last year then.

Yeah, the AL has been a bit dominant, haven't they?

@ words^3: She's a trixy one, isn't she?

@ Beckeye: Along those same lines, I remember the All-Star game in Wrigley, just because it was in the Cubs' home park. And I'm pretty sure the year was 1989.

@ Jidai: Well, there we go. My original hypothesis of AL fans has been upheld.

@ Cowguy: I wished you a happy anniversary. Also...I've seen women with shamrock pasties. Does that count?

@ Cora: Despite the fact that they can provide their own milk, no.

@ Tabbie: Baseball, moreso than any other sport I've experienced, seems to improve exponentially when seen live. Whenever I can, I try to catch a Bulls game here in town.

@ Lana: It doesn't hurt that they have bonuses built into their contracts rewarding them if they get named to the All-Star game.