I do realize that I promised a blog on Monday giving you a rundown of the fun I've been having for the past year or so. Monday came and went, and nobody was surprised that nothing popped up in their RSS feeds from me. Admit it. I wasn't surprised, either.
Mostly, I wasn't shocked because I spent the weekend riding out a torrent of vomit and diarrhea around the house. The Pale Rider, the Grim Specter of Death, whose poisonous touch brings about a pestilence and who leaves gasping, retching, heaving broken, disease-ridden bodies in its wake, took a turn through the house. I realize that I'm now thirty-eight, and though my mind likes to think that I'm still in my twenties and that I'm flushed with the hale and hearty glow of youth, my body likes to say "Whoa, there, fella. You might need to take a rest or two before commencing with grabbing life by the horns."
Plus, Monday was President's Day, and no one was at work anyway, right? I mean, I wasn't at work, so you shouldn't have been at work, either. Yeah, we'll go with that excuse.
Anyway, I'm feeling much better. I've been rescued from the lingering, lasting feeling of nausea that had settled into the pit of my stomach over the weekend, and the boneweariness of the fatigue that had suffused itself deep into my being has mostly gone. One could say I've been cured of the illness from which I had been ailing.
And, it's Friday! See, there's a certain synergy to the title.
So, now that I've taken up half a blog with explaining why there wasn't a blog (I went how long between posts? I shouldn't have to explain myself, but, guilt works like that. You're welcome. And, I'm sorry. Again. Wanna make out? Again?), I feel I should at least give a little run-down on that which I had teased in this space a week ago.
But then, what's the point? Remember a few years ago when some Biblically-minded chap went through and calculated when Jesus was supposed to return in glory to judge the living and the dead, Homer-style? But the guy forgot to mail Jesus the invite, and so the Son of God never showed up? Rude. On the guy's part. Not on Jesus' side. He can't RSVP if he never got the Save-the-Date card.
Oh, and remember when the world was supposed to end on my birthday a couple of years ago, with hellfire and brimstone and the sky falling and all that rot? Well, yeah, it didn't, and the loans I took out of my 401K in order to really celebrate my birthday--think android wang, Russian prostitutes and monkey waiters, complete with the mini tuxedos--are demanding to be repaid. Fuck.
Anyway, we're in one of those end times again. Tomorrow, in case you didn't realize it, is the scheduled date of Ragnarok, which is the Norse version of Armageddon (that bears quite the uncanny resemblance to Armageddon, if you've read Revelation or had it shoved down your throat throughout your childhood). I can see I just ruined the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics for you. Many regrets.
If you're unfamiliar with Ragnarok (aside from the kickass sword from Final Fantasy III/VI), there will be a clash among the gods the likes of which we've never seen before (I wonder why...) and probably won't see again. Because we'll be dead. All of us. Including most of the gods.
Everything starts because Loki busts out of his prison and rallies an army of the dead in Helheim, which is the realm of the dead. The overseer of Helheim is Hel, who is, coincidentally, Loki's daughter. As is Jorgmandr, the world serpent that will rise from the depths of the ocean and who will eventually poison Thor during the battle. The Dark Elves, the Fire Giants, the Frost Giants and the Dwarves will all be involved, along with Odin's army of warriors that have been feasting, fighting, fucking and generally getting rowdy up in Valhalla for all these centuries. It will be quite the throw down, to be sure. Get your popcorn, kids.
Just don't plan on sitting through all of it. Humanity is wiped out during the course of the fighting. I guess epic battles between all-powerful celestial beings will do that to a species. Curse these weak and spongy bags of flesh we call bodies!!! Only when the world is reborn after all the fighting and Magni and Modi--Thor's sons--are walking through a field of green will they find two sleeping humans--a man and a woman--who will repopulate the Earth. The rest of us? Compost.
If there's anything that will help to calm your end-of-the-world fears, it's that Ragnarok was supposed to be preceded by the Fimbulwinter, which was a terrible winter that would bury much of the world in snow, ice and cold and would last for three years. And, as everyone knows, we've all had a terrifically mild winter this year, so there's nothing to worry about (if you're reading this from Europe, just play along).
So, bust the seal out of a box of wine tonight, sit back, turn on the news, and watch as the cameras roll while one-handed Tyr and the giant Fenrir wolf duke it out. You've been fairly warned; if it seems like the sun and the moon have been devoured by giant, celestial wolves, don't come crying to me. I'll just tell you that I told you so.
2 weeks ago
