Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

Plague of Frogs

February 9, 2011

I apologize for the length, but you and I both know that it's not the first time in my life I've had to apologize for my length. *tips cap* Anyway, most of the bulkiness of this post I blame on the pictures. It's still a pretty quick read.

The scene opens upon an idyllic vista of clouds, blue skies, flower-strewn meadows, and soft, yellow sunlight shining down. A warm and gentle breeze blows in through the windows, tossing the sheers gently upon its freshly-scented streams.

Jesus: Oh, man, what a delicious breakfast! I sure do love bagels. I could eat those for...eternity! smacks lips And the orange juice this morning is simply divine! You know what? He leans forward and takes another sip, setting cup on the table and smiling You were truly inspired the day you made oranges, pops.

God the Father: Well, you know, I had a feeling. folds hands behind head and leans back, propping feet on the table Why they insist on still eating grapefruit down there when they've got perfectly good citrus fruit that doesn't taste like ass, I'll never know. And that's saying something, coming from me.

Jesus: Whistles, impressed I don't get it either. So...waves hand, breakfast dishes disappear...what's on the docket for today?

God the Father: I dunno. I'm thinking about stirring things up down there a bit. You know, shake the ant farm. See how they respond.

Jesus: Oh, another snow storm for the northeast? God the Father shakes his head Oh, you sly old fox, are we going to threaten snow in the southeast? Watch them lose their collective shit?

God the Father: Think our backyard...

Jesus: We finally going to take down Ahmadinejad? Calls over shoulder Death!

Angel of Death: You rang?

God the Father: No, I was thinking something a little more fun than killing that bearded bag of gas.

Jesus: We're finally taking out Favre?

God the Father: No, nothing that direct. Just a little chaos, a little fun. I was thinking about doing something to Egypt.

Jesus: Egypt? But...why? Wait a minute! This isn't a hold over from that whole Pharaoh thing, is it?

God the Father: ...

Jesus: But I thought...points at either wrist...I thought you were over that.

God the Father: I have a long memory.

Angel of Death: there anything I can do?

God the Father: Well, stay close. You know how the Egyptians are, always taking it to the next level. I'm sure you'll have something to do.

Jesus: Alright, then. We'll do Egypt, but you have to promise no smiting.

God the Father: ...

Jesus: Dad?

God the Father: ...

Jesus: I mean it.

God the Father: I make no promises.

Jesus: Fine!

Holy Spirit: thick Cockney accent Is there anything you need from me?

Jesus: Holy me! Will you stop sneaking up on people?

Holy Spirit: Sorry, it's in my job description. Besides, shouldn't you know where I am at all times?

Jesus: Look, I don't even let my right hand know what my left is doing. I don't have time to worry about what you are doing.

Holy Spirit opens his mouth, smug look on his face

Jesus: Don't you dare drag Mary Magdalene into this.

God the Father: Boys. stern look

Jesus and Holy Spirit: Together Yes, father.

God the Father: That's better. Now, let's start with a little civil unrest.

Jesus: Ah, chanting and sloganeering, the two signs of a good, unruly mob.

God the Father: And...cue the rocks.

Jesus: Things are getting a little rough down there. Oh, is that Anderson Cooper getting beat up?

God the Father: Let's see if he remembers who I am now...

Angel of Death: rubs hands together

God the Father: No, let's just put the fear of me into him. Ah, son, did you see that? Shit just got serious!

Jesus: You know things are getting hot and heavy when guys on camels wielding scimitars show up. Ah, this is good theatre! I haven't had this much fun since the sacking of Rome. rubs wrists Bastards got what they deserved...

Rumble from God the Father's side of the table

Jesus: Dad, no.

A brilliant flash of light from God the Father's side of the table. He emerges, wearing different clothes and looking cantankerous.

Jesus: You said you'd behave.

Old Testament God: I made no promises. Now, let's get down to some smiting! We're back in Egypt, where I've done some of my best work!

Jesus: No first born slaughter this time. You're God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, of all things seen and unseen! You're not Anakin Skywalker!

Old Testament God: Please. I make him look like the puss he is. Now--wiggles fingers--it's plague time! flips through rolodex How about--

Jesus: No.

Old Testament God: shoots Jesus a dirty look Okay, fine. What about--

Jesus: No!

Old Testament God: I see you're going to be difficult. How about...number two?

Jesus: You're set on this, aren't you?

Old Testament God: ...

Jesus: I can't believe you'd be so cruel as to do that to them. What did they ever do to you?

Old Testament God: Capturing and enslaving my people and being general bag of dicks wasn't enough for you? How about I remind you of Osiris, who basically copied your act but without your special flare for the dramatic.

Jesus: Yes, well...fine.

Old Testament God: So, we're in agreement. Number two it is?

Jesus: Number two it is. But I don't like it.

Old Testament God: Nobody likes it. Think of two birds with one stone. pauses dramatically Release the Frogs! claps hands

Jesus: Hopefully they'll smother inside their invisible boxes in the desert heat.


Elliott said...

What??? Zero comments? But this is brilliant! Though I always pictured Old Testament God a little more like this.

I especially got a chuckle over Death personified. I didn't see that coming, thanks for that.

Raine said...

Well worth the length... like usual

Pearl said...

Release the frogs.

Why I oughta...

Very funny, my friend. :-)


SkylersDad said...

The entire thing was wonderful, but you made me pee at the image of Morgan as God saying shit just got serious!

Kari said...

Love. It.

The Angel of Death sings a mean "Rubber Biscuit".

I'd like to be filled with the Holy Spirit. *wink wink nudge nudge*

Hart Johnson said...

*falls off chair*

Oh, this was fabulous! And yeah... that Holy Spirit does it for me, too...

Amber said...

Old Testament God is badass.

DEZMOND said...

love the casting! Want to see more roles next time :)