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February 2, 2011

I'm too lazy to actually write a new post, mostly because the bus didn't show up this morning, so I ended up driving the kids to school and then, on my to work, nearly got collected in two different head-on collisions. I love living here.

That will not deter me from celebrating my second favorite holiday on the calendar, not to mention my revisiting of the desire to nestle myself down between the thighs of one Betsy Hagar for a good six weeks of winter slumber. And by winter slumber I mean fucking until I pass out from exhaustion, waking up and going at it again.

I was a horny little cuss in high school. Horny, and guilty. *sighs*

And, apparently, our plucky, portly little pal, Punxatawny Phil did not see his shadow, which means there will not be six more weeks of winter! Huzzah! I'm sure that makes you guys in the northern tier of the nation feel better, right? That two feet of snow? Didn't happen. Flowers should be blooming any moment now.

Wait.

You guys know what today is, right?

Okay, yeah, sure, it's Groundhog Day. It's the day when we celebrate the prescient powers of Marmota monax, which is a mixture of Latin and Greek meaning "lonely fatass ground squirrel". In case you were curious (and I know that you weren't), if it ends in an -x, it's typically a Greek word.

Today is also Candlemas, which is traditionally viewed as the day that Christ was presented at the Temple. Mary also had to go to the Temple in order to perform rites associated with recovering from childbirth, a sort of purification, if you will. It is observed 40 days after Christmas. Hey, only 324 shopping days left, slackass!

Also, Candlemas is supposed to be the very last day that you're supposed to have your Christmas greenery up. If you happen to be my neighbor and reading this then...*hint*hint*

And how are the two related? I'm glad you asked! Now, sit down, shut up, and listen: back in the old countries, the English and Germans and other various northern European peoples used to believe that, on the 2nd of February (which is halfway between the Winter Solstice and the Vernal Equinox), bears, badgers, wolves, and weird uncle Lute would emerge from hibernation to inspect the weather and determine if they should go back to sleep or not--which is very curious, considering wolves don't hibernate...

While settling the New World, the tradition was carried over and, apparently, since black bears just didn't cut it, the settlers adopted...the groundhog...as the midwinter mascot. Isn't that...just...awe-inspiring?

In case your awe isn't inspired enough, one of the nicknames for the groundhog is the "whistle pig".

All of this shit is just filler. Most important of all, today is Betsy Hagar's Birthday!!!

Now, I've mentioned Betsy Hagar in the past on here. Several times. And usually it was with one hand in my lap and the other slowly tapping out words like "whipped cream" and "tall blonde goddess" over the keyboard. Hey, one-handed typing is not easy. I see some of you nodding. Don't think I'm not on to you. *mouths the words 'Call me'*

Some of you might not be up on the list of young women I lusted for during my high school days. Betsy Hagar was at the very top of that list. She is the one about whom I would write long, involved, erotic stories and then, being that I was so turned on by my own lustful creativity, I'd crank one out while still fantasizing about Betsy. Upon climax I would breathlessly begin to feel crushing guilt over my carnal tendencies and I'd take the paper on which I wrote the story and I'd burn it, supposedly (in my sick mind) as a way of burning the lust out of my mind for Betsy and all the other women on the list.

And it was quite an extensive list...

But, Betsy was different. As I mentioned here, there was a lot of crushes that came and went during my high school years, but the one constant throughout the time was my seething desire to part Betsy's thighs. Despite how badly I wanted her, my mind invariably forgets about her until Groundhog's Day/her birthday rolls around. She's kind of my portal to the "good old days", when things seemed a lot simpler, and I didn't have so many fucking bills to pay. Yep, less debt and long, sexy, gorgeous legs. That's what thinking of Betsy Hagar reminds me of.

So, Happy Groundhog's Day. Let's hope that lonely little Whistle Pig enjoys his day in the sun. And Happy Birthday, Betsy Hagar: you fill me full to the brim with lust and nostalgia.

5 comments:

Ed said...

What happen to her?

I bet she's Fat and Lonely now.

Wynn said...

Life would be so much less fun to think back at without all those old "sins" and pulls, or whatever you call all the random people one has come over (sometimes literally, i presume!) during the horny single years!

Eric said...

Ah, so in ancient Greece, it was an 'ax' but if carried to Rome, it became an 'axe'. If in a college dorm, it changes shape entirely to become an aftershave worn by douchey coeds?

SkylersDad said...

What is this one handed typing you are speaking of? (looks shifty eyed)

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I just caught up on your blog... and I so enjoyed the post about you meeting Reej Philbin!

Funny, the day he announced his retirement was one of the looow days of my maternity leave, when I felt so void of adult conversation and "real" life. Hubs came home from work and we were couching it -- I mentioned Reej's Big Announcement and he was all like, "so what? And...?" Yeah, I started crying like a little girl because I realized it was the most interesting news I had from the entire day. Blerg.

P.S. I like Letterman for the same Hoosier reasons!