Let the Games Begin

Okay, I haven't done a sports post in a long time, party because some people were whining about it, and partly because it's baseball and MLS season here. While I love soccer, not many people give a damn about it here in the states, and pretty much the rest of the world plays soccer during the winter. So, there you go. The soccer of any import isn't being played now, and what am I going to do with baseball? Tell you how the Cubs will find a new and inventive way of screwing it up this year? Place odds on whom the next Bartman will be? With football season just over the horizon, I thought maybe I'd do a few quick little stories that have popped up recently. You might have heard a few of them. One of them is about a guy named Brett. Screw you, Milwaukee Bait and switch, baby. The first entry is about the Cubs, mostly because they're rolling off a four game sweep in which they dominated the Milwaukee Brewers. I really don't have too much against Milwaukee, and despite the title, I kind of like them (Jesus, they're the Brewers...how can you truly hate them? Their mascot makes beer and happiness!), and they play in one of the finest ballparks in the majors. Still, screw you, Milwaukee. Nothing like seeing your hopes disappear in one second and suddenly turn into five games back in another. I think the true joy in all of this is that I read some obnoxious White Sox fan talking about how, after the series in which the central leaders in both leagues were playing the second place teams, only one of the Chicago teams would still be in the lead. I guess he was right. So, I guess I should be saying, "Screw you, stupid White Sox blogger!"

I'm a Sports Radio Whore It's true. I'll admit it. And here's why. All summer long, I have faithfully been listening to the two AM stations here in the Triangle, 850 the Buzz and 620 the Bull. The big draw was 850 had Bomani Jones covering their afternoon drive home time slot, and I've been enjoying his take on things since he was writing for the World Wide Leader. Well, now he's down here, and I've been loving it. Unfortunately, Friday is his last day, and August 4th we get ACC Douchebag David Glenn back. It wouldn't be so bad if Glenn wasn't a horrific ACC Homer (I get it, he loves it, yay for him), but his voice is annoying AND he asks hard-hitting questions to coaches and players along the lines of "If you were a tree, would your leaves be green? Unless of course you were a pine tree, then would your needles be green? And, if you don't want to talk about the color of your leaves and/or needles, feel free to tell some other cutesy story, and I'll guffaw like a senile old man with my teeth in my pocket." The biggest thing that gets me about this asscock is he's willing to give Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski as pass on every little negative blip on their radar, but he talks about what an asshole Bob Knight is. Yeah, I get it. Coach Knight was a dick. But you know what? He's also the winningest coach not named Pat Summit in NCAA basketball. So, eat dick already.
Couple the fact that David Glenn comes back with the obnoxious Billy-show run by Mark Packer, son of nefarious h8er Billy Packer, that plays in the afternoon on 620, and I start thinking of things I'd rather be doing than listening to sports talk radio around here, like having my testicles pulled slowly out of my nose with a crochet hook, for starters. Ugh.
Then, however, I turned over to the FM radio show today just in time to hear that they've picked up a contract with Westwood One radio. Do you know who is on Westwood One radio for football? That's right. Notre Freaking Dame. The guy announcing this promised every Notre Dame game every week. I about had to pull over and rub one out right there. Of course, 850 and 620 have to counter, so they are carrying...Duke football and North Carolina high school football games. Wow. The high school football games will be more interesting. So, there. Guess what, 99.9 the Fan? You've just picked up a new faithful listener. And you didn't even have to put on fishnets.

Speaking of Billy Packer... CBS got wise and told that antiquated curmudgeon to hit the road. Billy, of course, complained about how they got it wrong, declared it was over, and then shuffled off to eat his bran flake ice cream cone with extra prune. Good riddance.

Speaking of Good Riddance... Jesus, Red Sox fans, why did it take you this long? Let me back up. I passionately hate the Red Sox, mostly because the only Red Sox fans I've met in real life redefined the word "obnoxious". I believe it now means, "fat, ugly, and loud in a ball cap with a red 'B'". Of course, I've only ever met one Red Sox fan I can stand...probably because he kicks so much ass...mine, too, I'll assume, if I keep ragging on his team and 'nation'. But, don't worry, Red Sox nation, there is another group of fans who take obnoxious to a whole new level. Sorry, Hap. Anyway, it seems the annual drama has been shipped out West. The fact that Theo Epstein could convince anyone to take that mess of his hands is a major coup. I thought it was a deal when the Cubs dumped Sammy Sosa after his little tantrum...and Manny's been throwing these for years. Good riddance, I'd say. The mess that is Manny Ramirez was traded to the Dodgers today as the trading deadline came to an end in major league baseball. You got a decent pitcher outfielder (sorry, I was confusing him with Zach Duke) out of the deal, Red Sox nation, but I imagine the sudden relief of the migraine disappearing is better than Jason Bay. Unfortunately, David Ortiz is never going to see another hittable pitch in a clutch situation, but there you have it.

Stop me if you've heard this one... Danica Patrick picked a fight with another driver in the pits recently. This one with fellow female driver, Milka Duno. However, Milka, not having to abide by the by-laws of chivalry, threw a towel in Danica's face...twice...and then told her to leave the pits. This, of course, is not the first time Danica's picked a fight with someone. Famously, in the Indianapolis 500, after she wrecked out...again...she got out of her car and stormed down toward Ryan Briscoe's pits to confront him. She's had a history of punching other drivers--all male--knowing full well that they can't hit her back, and then when the guy talks about it, she insults his manhood. Also, ever notice how none of these wrecks are ever Danica's fault. I guess that's what you get when you have a bitch storming around with a false sense of entitlement. She keeps talking about making the jump to NASCAR, and I'd love to see it, because I can't really see Chocolate Myers taking her shit for too long before he hauls off and knocks her jaw loose.

More False Sense of Entitlement I see Michelle Wie is taking some more solid career advice from Daddy Dearest and skipping the major event on the LPGA tour--the tour on which she was won exactly zero events--to once again compete in a PGA tour. This will be her fourteenth attempt to play with the boys. She's made the cut in exactly zero of these competitions, but continues to play in them. If you'll pardon me, I'm going to go tell my daughter to enjoy being a little girl for as long as she wants. Look, I'm all for equality and all, but, seriously, Michelle...maybe you should focus on winning an LPGA event rather than just trying to make the cut on the PGA tour. If that's too much for you, maybe you can focus on signing the right scorecard for once.

A Man Named Brett George Brett, that is. We passed the 25th anniversary of the "Pine Tar Incident", wherein Brett showed the world that he was crazy. If not crazy, then he showed the world what a crazy face looks like, at least one without make-up and nasty scars on the cheeks. In case you forgot about it (or weren't born yet), basically Ole George used the sticky too high up on his bat and was called out after hitting a go-ahead two-run home run. His was the last out of the game. George came tearing out of the dugout to confront the umpires in a scene that was played over and over again during the opening scenes of This Week in Baseball throughout the entirety of my youth.

Purple Number 4? So, Brett Favre is...quasi-retired? What a fucking circus this has turned out to be. At first, I was like, "Brett, just walk away." But then the whole thing came out that Ted Thompson, GM for the Packers, and Mike McCarthy, head coach for the Packers, pushed Favre into retiring. If that's the case, then they should either let him come back, or outright release him. If it's false, and Brett really wanted to retire, then he should stay gone.
However, I can't understand the Packers' position here. They are rock solid, dead set on Aaron Rogers taking over in Green Bay. McCarthy has said there's no quarterback controversy...Aaron is our guy. Wow. Versus a hall-of-famer who owns ever passing record? Really? I mean...every team in the league has quarterback competitions, except Green Bay, Indianapolis and New England. To tell me that Aaron Rogers is on par with Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is fucking ridiculous. I mean, you've seen this guy on the field, right? Not to mention, he's a Jeff Tedford quarterback. Those guys always turn out to be great NFL stars, right Akili Smith and Joey Harrington?
Yeah, it's gotten ugly and comical, but my favorite is when Favre was going to call the Packers' bluff and show up at training camp. Thompson talked him out of it, saying "If you show up at camp, Brett, I'll lose my job." Okay, yeah, because when you're not making the playoffs this year with Rogers, and Favre is leading some team to the playoffs, your head isn't going end up on a pike in Green Bay. Good luck with that, buddy.
Honestly, if Brett ends up in Minnesota, I will root for him to beat the Packers. I know, my loyalties should not lie with one man, but the Packers bungle-fucked this long ago. I want to see Rogers fall flat on his face and I want to see McCarthy eating shit pie. Sauerkraut is optional.
Check it out. I just switched allegiances again...and still no fishnets. Although, I'm thinking someone out there might need to put on a pair to help cement my ties to the Purple People Eaters.

I think that should just about do it for alienating every one of my readers.

B Double E Double R U N Beer Run...

God bless you, Wisconsin. God bless you. *wipes tear*

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3311936

If You Ain't Cheatin', You Ain't Tryin'

I don't know to whom I can ascribe the above quote and be right. I've heard it bandied about this week in relation to Michael Waltrip and his #55 Toyota car designed to shoot to the moon. I did hear that Lou Holtz used it once at an SEC meeting in Alabama, and we all know what a magnificent, dirty old troll Lou Holtz is. At least that's Mark May's opinion.

But, it was coughed up several times this week, almost as if it's the unofficial mantra of NASCAR, right up there with "Rubbin' is racin'!" And yet, NASCAR wants to bottle these personalities up. I just don't get it.

The other morning--actually, the morning after I posted "And you should always give in to peer pressure"--I heard an interview on the radio during the drive-in time between two "experts" in the field of NASCAR. They were discussing a couple of things that seemed appropriate to offer as a follow-up to my earlier post.

One, apparently, NASCAR sees cheating, but sees it on different levels. Apparently, the tires, fuel and restrictor plates are the three areas that NASCAR deems the Holy of Holies. For these three things, you get the old Nun with a ruler across the knuckles routine. For all other offenses (aerodynamics, being Jimmy Johnson), you get a few Hail Marys and a couple of turns around the rosary, and there you are. In my book, cheatin's cheatin, and should therefore get an across the board punishment. Like, I'm fairly certain that if my wife came into the house and saw me on the couch with a naked Scarlett Johansson, she'd accuse me of infidelity, even if I was wearing mittens and I told her "But Sweets, I didn't touch her tires, fuel or restrictor plates." Maybe I'm just jealous.

Two, according to the "experts", you can't equate smearing your intake manifold with Sterno ( made of ethanol and diethylene glycol ...and I'm still not seeing where the oxidation reactions are here...there's apparently a very small amount of dye to make it pink, but I'm guessing that's not going to do the trick...unless it's a VERY efficient catalyst system ) with shooting roids in order to one-up Mark McGwire and his andro-laced forearms (and Sammy Sosa and his cork-ridden bat). Apparently, cheating in NASCAR is something that you can equate with Michael Vick giving the crowd the finger. It's not very nice, but it doesn't hurt anyone, so we should just let it go.

Upon the revelations that NASCAR is above the law, I began to rethink my original post. Was it wrong to call for such harsh penalties? Apparently so. I mean, it's acceptable, right? Rules are laid down, and it's the interpretations of the rules that are what makes the sport a sport. So, I guess that if my wife comes in on Miss Scarlett and myself in various states of undress, I can be like "Well, when I said 'I do', this is what I thought 'till death do you part' meant..." Clearly, my sarcastic take on the situation was the wrong attitude to have.

And then, the twin 150s were run. One was won by Tony Stewart, that fat ball of anger from Indiana that's never been seen in a red sweater. The other was won by that, uh, California transplant from Indiana in the rainbow car. Quite the banner day to be a Hoosier (unless you count the unmanning by the Boilermakers...) But wait! Upon further review, Gordon's car was found to be an inch too low to the ground, thus making it illegal, disqualifying him! Even after five cars got pinched for rules infractions, here's Gordon's car, winning the race and being shown to be set up illegally. And here's my favorite part: NASCAR's official explanation of their Golden Boy. To paraphrase: "It was too low, but it was probably the result of a broken part, and thus we don't find Jeff nor his team at fault." But apparently you found them at fault enough to negate his starting position and forced him to use provisional points to get into the race. Once again, NASCAR shows itself to be a gutless sack of shit. Here's arguably the sport's biggest star with his hand in the cookie jar and you can send a real message to the entire sport that you are serious about cracking down on cheating in your sport, and you give him a free pass. Unbelievable and disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

And yet, here we are, talking about it. I can hear the fat cats over at ESPN laughing all the way to the bank over all this. There's no better way, in their eyes, that their renewed contracts to carry NASCAR could have started. Curse you, Norby!

EDIT: I looked up the MSDS here, and thought that diethylene glycol was the second ingredient. However, that's the ingredient for Wick Food Warming Gel, which is different from Sterno, it's just made by the Sterno corporation. Thank you to Mike Seifert, the Global Director for Quality and Technical Support over at Sterno, for setting me straight. The corrections have been made.

As an extra follow up, I've heard since the Waltrip deal that several other gel-like substances have been indicted for being smeared on the intake manifold of Waltrip's car, anything from jet fuel to petroleum jelly. It's all very messed up, and a good thing that he didn't win yesterday, otherwise, wow, there'd be some serious follies going on.

And you should always give in to peer pressure.

What kind of author would I be if I didn't bend to the whims of my readership *cough*jkrowling*cough*? I wasn't going to write about this much, if at all, but since my good friend Jim brought it up, I thought I'd weigh in with my two cents worth on the Daytona Speed Week controversies.

Now, I'll preface all of this with saying that I used to be a huge NASCAR fan. In college, I used to watch every race. I went to the Brickyard 400 while in grad school. I even once put off sex in order to catch the end of the race (this was the only time, but it was a really good finish...and it has happened more often with Indiana basketball...but none of those times was it with my wife...I'll stop with the too much information now). Prior to my Aunt Rita dying and my premature assumption that Brett Favre was retiring, the last time I cried was when Dale Earnhardt died. And I hated him. But, when Earnhardt was killed and then Rusty Wallace and Terry Labonte and Mark Martin all started either retiring or cutting back their racing schedules, I slowly began to lose interest. By the time I moved to North By God Carolina, the very heart of NASCAR country, it had completely passed me by as anything of interest. None of the drivers these days have any sort of personality. They're all the same. Young, aggressive, obnoxious and so effing corporate. Of course, the sponsors paying millions of dollars for these teams and these races don't want some moonshine running hillbilly driving the car and giving Jeff Gordon the finger. They want someone out of business school in a fire suit. Put on your dark glasses and give us our dap, and you'll get your money to keep driving the car. That's why NASCAR doesn't excite me anymore.

So, where do I stand on the most recent "black eye" the sport has endured? I say, it's about damned time. Now, I understand five lines ago, I was bitching about how NASCAR is nothing like its roots and this might strike some as hypocritical. It probably most likely is, since NASCAR was built on cheating, and I say it's about time they were cracking down.

I guess I should explain myself. So here it is. This summer, Barry Bonds will most likely break Hank Aaron's home run record. Be honest. What was your first reaction to that? Disgust, probably. Outrage? Did you mutter "cheater" under your breath? I'm not a Bonds apologist by any means (I do all my apologizing for sucking at Buchwald chemistry and for Bob Knight...no room for Barry here). But, here's a man approaching one of baseball's most hallowed records, perhaps the most hallowed record, and every sports show, talking head, baseball guru, afficianado, fan, or even Joe Blow or Wiffle Ball Tony on the street has an opinion on Bonds, and most of those are negative. He's a cheater for using steroids. That's what most people say. We have no proof (other than Bonds' enormous head...but something has to stow that ego...and his sudden bulking up like Bane hitting the juice) that Bonds used steroids. He claims he didn't, and we can all think he's a liar, it's the American way. With this knowledge, and with Bonds just a few home runs shy of tying and breaking Hank Aaron's record, not even the commissioner of baseball is planning on attending the games. He gave a non-committal "Eh, I might be there, I might be trying to get sausage races in every MLB ballpark this summer, who knows?" But there it is. The head honcho might not be around for the greatest home run hitter in the game claiming his crown. For everyone's talk of asterisks and banning him from the ball park (I personally think every manager should walk him every time he comes to the plate this summer, win or lose, but that's just my opinion) and tossing him in jail for lying, it doesn't matter. He will be the home run king, and no amount of crying "cheater" will stop that. Steroids weren't illegal when he hit the bulk of his home runs. Now they are. You can't go and remove the numbers ex post facto. He hit them, whether legally or not.

Now, counter that with Jimmie Johnson, the current, reigning Nextel Cup Champion (I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I say that). Jimmie Johnson is a known cheater. There's no doubt he is a cheater. He cheated. He got caught. And what's more, his crew chief's candor about the situation was even worse. "Yep, we got caught that time." That time?!?!? So, even though you got caught cheating, you admit to having done it in the past, and you admit that, after your four race suspension, you'll be back cheating again. NASCAR, because Jimmie Johnson is the most corporate of the new corporate drivers, gave him a literal slap on the wrist. We'll dock you a few points and you can't talk to your crew chief for a while, and then you run along like a good little boy and win the championship. It's wrong. If NASCAR wanted to actually pony up and have some balls, they would have grabbed that whiny little bitch by the scruff of his neck and tossed him out of the garage and said "See you in 2007." Or, if you don't want to be that rough on first offenders, then he should have not been able to come back until after the Pepsi 400 (or whatever name the second Daytona race has now). And the truly funny thing here is, they suspended the crew chief. As in, he couldn't be in the garage. But, he could set up a webcam and text message his boys on the crew and tell them where they were going wrong by setting the car up legally. Please. It's a joke. Johnson is a cheater, and yet, he's celebrated as being the Cup Champion. Bonds might be a cheater, and he's treated like a Vaudeville villain sneaking onto the stage. Reaction to Bonds: Boo, hiss, cheater! Reaction to cheating Jimmie Johnson: It speaks a lot about his heart and character that he could come back from the early season set backs to capture the crown. Let's throw large-breasted women at him now. What a freaking joke.

And now we the current situation. Before the season has started, we've got five cars already in the impound. Three of those cars come from the same owner. Can you smell what the Evernham is cooking? I can, and it smells foul as hell. So, here comes NASCAR doing their typical song and dance. Oh, wait, it's not typical this year. They're getting tough on cheating. So, they'll dock those teams 25 and 50 points, some money, and won't allow their crew chiefs back in the tracks. Oh no. I'm scared. Oh, and they have to requalify. The horror. Way to pony up, NASCAR. Now, Michael Waltrip is a different story. Apparently, they found chemicals (uh, Sterno...which is supposed to oxidize the fuel and give your engine a few more horsepower...I don't know the structure of Sterno, nor do I care to look it up, so I also can't provide the mechanism for the oxidation, unless Sterno is something akin to Dess-Martin) on Waltrip's car, which happens to be a Toyota. *gasp*

Being that I'm in North By God Carolina, I've heard all of the complaints about a non-American model being introduced into NASCAR. I'm sure there's been plenty of outraged overtones throughout the country, but I hear it loudest down here. I mean first, Pearl Harbor, then baseball, and now this! How could we allow these things to happen. Japanese people should stay on their island, work their insanely long hours, and produce lots of video games for us to enjoy, all between dodging monster attacks. They don't belong in NASCAR. That's been the sentiment, at least around here in North By God Carolina. Now, I don't know which is worse, drilling holes in the body of your car so that you get an unfair aerodynamic advantage, smearing some Sterno on some engine parts, or doing whatever the multiple infractions that Cheaty McJohnson pulled last spring. They all seem pretty much like cheating to me. Now, why does one team get this many points and another team get this many points taken away and then Waltrip's team (who, coincidentally is the biggest named Toyota driver...which is kind of sad, if you think about it...) gets their crew chief suspended indefinitely and loses 100 points? It doesn't make sense. I mean, Dick Trickle used to have an ashtray mounted in his car so he could smoke during yellow flags. Maybe Mikey wants to roast some marshmallows during caution periods.

So, if NASCAR really wants to get serious about cracking down on cheating, maybe they should take a look at other sports for a guide and start setting some ground rules. First offense, suspended 4 races and docked 50 points plus $5000 in fines. Second offense, suspended half the season, docked 100 points, $25,000 fine. Third offense, you're gone for a whole season's worth of races--so that if you get caught at, say, the Coke 600, you can't come back until the All-Star race next season--all points, including provisional points, are gone, and $100,000 fine. Plus, you have to polish Kyle Petty's bald spot every week. Make it shine, bitches. Only when NASCAR seriously puts some teeth behind it will they begin to curb the cheating, and not a moment before. They'll never take all of the cheat out of the sport (like all sports, which is sad but true), but they can at least start making things a little more fair or at least even for all the teams. But then...that's not the corporate thing to do.