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Inspirational Reads

Let the Games Begin

July 31, 2008

Okay, I haven't done a sports post in a long time, party because some people were whining about it, and partly because it's baseball and MLS season here. While I love soccer, not many people give a damn about it here in the states, and pretty much the rest of the world plays soccer during the winter. So, there you go. The soccer of any import isn't being played now, and what am I going to do with baseball? Tell you how the Cubs will find a new and inventive way of screwing it up this year? Place odds on whom the next Bartman will be? With football season just over the horizon, I thought maybe I'd do a few quick little stories that have popped up recently. You might have heard a few of them. One of them is about a guy named Brett. Screw you, Milwaukee Bait and switch, baby. The first entry is about the Cubs, mostly because they're rolling off a four game sweep in which they dominated the Milwaukee Brewers. I really don't have too much against Milwaukee, and despite the title, I kind of like them (Jesus, they're the can you truly hate them? Their mascot makes beer and happiness!), and they play in one of the finest ballparks in the majors. Still, screw you, Milwaukee. Nothing like seeing your hopes disappear in one second and suddenly turn into five games back in another. I think the true joy in all of this is that I read some obnoxious White Sox fan talking about how, after the series in which the central leaders in both leagues were playing the second place teams, only one of the Chicago teams would still be in the lead. I guess he was right. So, I guess I should be saying, "Screw you, stupid White Sox blogger!"

I'm a Sports Radio Whore It's true. I'll admit it. And here's why. All summer long, I have faithfully been listening to the two AM stations here in the Triangle, 850 the Buzz and 620 the Bull. The big draw was 850 had Bomani Jones covering their afternoon drive home time slot, and I've been enjoying his take on things since he was writing for the World Wide Leader. Well, now he's down here, and I've been loving it. Unfortunately, Friday is his last day, and August 4th we get ACC Douchebag David Glenn back. It wouldn't be so bad if Glenn wasn't a horrific ACC Homer (I get it, he loves it, yay for him), but his voice is annoying AND he asks hard-hitting questions to coaches and players along the lines of "If you were a tree, would your leaves be green? Unless of course you were a pine tree, then would your needles be green? And, if you don't want to talk about the color of your leaves and/or needles, feel free to tell some other cutesy story, and I'll guffaw like a senile old man with my teeth in my pocket." The biggest thing that gets me about this asscock is he's willing to give Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski as pass on every little negative blip on their radar, but he talks about what an asshole Bob Knight is. Yeah, I get it. Coach Knight was a dick. But you know what? He's also the winningest coach not named Pat Summit in NCAA basketball. So, eat dick already.
Couple the fact that David Glenn comes back with the obnoxious Billy-show run by Mark Packer, son of nefarious h8er Billy Packer, that plays in the afternoon on 620, and I start thinking of things I'd rather be doing than listening to sports talk radio around here, like having my testicles pulled slowly out of my nose with a crochet hook, for starters. Ugh.
Then, however, I turned over to the FM radio show today just in time to hear that they've picked up a contract with Westwood One radio. Do you know who is on Westwood One radio for football? That's right. Notre Freaking Dame. The guy announcing this promised every Notre Dame game every week. I about had to pull over and rub one out right there. Of course, 850 and 620 have to counter, so they are carrying...Duke football and North Carolina high school football games. Wow. The high school football games will be more interesting. So, there. Guess what, 99.9 the Fan? You've just picked up a new faithful listener. And you didn't even have to put on fishnets.

Speaking of Billy Packer... CBS got wise and told that antiquated curmudgeon to hit the road. Billy, of course, complained about how they got it wrong, declared it was over, and then shuffled off to eat his bran flake ice cream cone with extra prune. Good riddance.

Speaking of Good Riddance... Jesus, Red Sox fans, why did it take you this long? Let me back up. I passionately hate the Red Sox, mostly because the only Red Sox fans I've met in real life redefined the word "obnoxious". I believe it now means, "fat, ugly, and loud in a ball cap with a red 'B'". Of course, I've only ever met one Red Sox fan I can stand...probably because he kicks so much ass...mine, too, I'll assume, if I keep ragging on his team and 'nation'. But, don't worry, Red Sox nation, there is another group of fans who take obnoxious to a whole new level. Sorry, Hap. Anyway, it seems the annual drama has been shipped out West. The fact that Theo Epstein could convince anyone to take that mess of his hands is a major coup. I thought it was a deal when the Cubs dumped Sammy Sosa after his little tantrum...and Manny's been throwing these for years. Good riddance, I'd say. The mess that is Manny Ramirez was traded to the Dodgers today as the trading deadline came to an end in major league baseball. You got a decent pitcher outfielder (sorry, I was confusing him with Zach Duke) out of the deal, Red Sox nation, but I imagine the sudden relief of the migraine disappearing is better than Jason Bay. Unfortunately, David Ortiz is never going to see another hittable pitch in a clutch situation, but there you have it.

Stop me if you've heard this one... Danica Patrick picked a fight with another driver in the pits recently. This one with fellow female driver, Milka Duno. However, Milka, not having to abide by the by-laws of chivalry, threw a towel in Danica's face...twice...and then told her to leave the pits. This, of course, is not the first time Danica's picked a fight with someone. Famously, in the Indianapolis 500, after she wrecked out...again...she got out of her car and stormed down toward Ryan Briscoe's pits to confront him. She's had a history of punching other drivers--all male--knowing full well that they can't hit her back, and then when the guy talks about it, she insults his manhood. Also, ever notice how none of these wrecks are ever Danica's fault. I guess that's what you get when you have a bitch storming around with a false sense of entitlement. She keeps talking about making the jump to NASCAR, and I'd love to see it, because I can't really see Chocolate Myers taking her shit for too long before he hauls off and knocks her jaw loose.

More False Sense of Entitlement I see Michelle Wie is taking some more solid career advice from Daddy Dearest and skipping the major event on the LPGA tour--the tour on which she was won exactly zero events--to once again compete in a PGA tour. This will be her fourteenth attempt to play with the boys. She's made the cut in exactly zero of these competitions, but continues to play in them. If you'll pardon me, I'm going to go tell my daughter to enjoy being a little girl for as long as she wants. Look, I'm all for equality and all, but, seriously, Michelle...maybe you should focus on winning an LPGA event rather than just trying to make the cut on the PGA tour. If that's too much for you, maybe you can focus on signing the right scorecard for once.

A Man Named Brett George Brett, that is. We passed the 25th anniversary of the "Pine Tar Incident", wherein Brett showed the world that he was crazy. If not crazy, then he showed the world what a crazy face looks like, at least one without make-up and nasty scars on the cheeks. In case you forgot about it (or weren't born yet), basically Ole George used the sticky too high up on his bat and was called out after hitting a go-ahead two-run home run. His was the last out of the game. George came tearing out of the dugout to confront the umpires in a scene that was played over and over again during the opening scenes of This Week in Baseball throughout the entirety of my youth.

Purple Number 4? So, Brett Favre is...quasi-retired? What a fucking circus this has turned out to be. At first, I was like, "Brett, just walk away." But then the whole thing came out that Ted Thompson, GM for the Packers, and Mike McCarthy, head coach for the Packers, pushed Favre into retiring. If that's the case, then they should either let him come back, or outright release him. If it's false, and Brett really wanted to retire, then he should stay gone.
However, I can't understand the Packers' position here. They are rock solid, dead set on Aaron Rogers taking over in Green Bay. McCarthy has said there's no quarterback controversy...Aaron is our guy. Wow. Versus a hall-of-famer who owns ever passing record? Really? I mean...every team in the league has quarterback competitions, except Green Bay, Indianapolis and New England. To tell me that Aaron Rogers is on par with Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is fucking ridiculous. I mean, you've seen this guy on the field, right? Not to mention, he's a Jeff Tedford quarterback. Those guys always turn out to be great NFL stars, right Akili Smith and Joey Harrington?
Yeah, it's gotten ugly and comical, but my favorite is when Favre was going to call the Packers' bluff and show up at training camp. Thompson talked him out of it, saying "If you show up at camp, Brett, I'll lose my job." Okay, yeah, because when you're not making the playoffs this year with Rogers, and Favre is leading some team to the playoffs, your head isn't going end up on a pike in Green Bay. Good luck with that, buddy.
Honestly, if Brett ends up in Minnesota, I will root for him to beat the Packers. I know, my loyalties should not lie with one man, but the Packers bungle-fucked this long ago. I want to see Rogers fall flat on his face and I want to see McCarthy eating shit pie. Sauerkraut is optional.
Check it out. I just switched allegiances again...and still no fishnets. Although, I'm thinking someone out there might need to put on a pair to help cement my ties to the Purple People Eaters.

I think that should just about do it for alienating every one of my readers.


Jidai said...

At least you're not a White Sox fan... Talk about an evil team... GO TWINS!

I swear to god if the Vikings get Favre I will f-ing run around the metrodome naked. Then again my soon to be wife is a huge Packer fan...

Then again (again) the Vikings are the team that have lost 4 super bowls, forgot to make a first round draft pick, missed a 30 yard field goal to get to the superbowl and we can't ever forget the boat trip...

God I love this time of year. Baseball is heating up with playoffs and Football training is starting. WHEEEE!

As you can tell I love sports and I love your sports posts. :)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Careful making naked sports promises.

Back in fall of 2001, I swore to my buddy that I would streak around the campus of Notre Dame if Indiana won the national championship. That's the season (2002) where they went to the final game and had the lead late, only to choke it to eventual champ Maryland.

For a while, I was ecstatic, but also wondering where I was going to find bail money. And South Bend, Indiana is still pretty damned cold on April 1st.

Jidai said...

It's better than Minnesota in February... Snowing... Stupid Vikings... :(

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

True enough. Minnesota takes shrinkage to that whole extra "inverted" stage.

Hap said...

1) You don't have our (1) sports station. If I could get AM radio in my metal box I still wouldn't listen to them (although they are better than the Glenn Beck/Dennis Miller double shot on the other station - because after getting a drive-by lobotomy is the best time to listen to Dennis Miller).

Of course you can still point and laugh. Someday we'll beat an SEC team.

2) There's a big difference between Manny and Sammy - Manny can still hit. If you can convince him to play, he can play. Once you took the needle from Sosa's arm, he couldn't hit much (he did hit some for Texas, but not enough to outweigh his past). The Red Sox just got tired of the drama.

3) I've gotten to be less of a Brett Favre fan because of this, but if Green Bay wants to hitch its wagon to the Titanic then I guess they can. I wouldn't want to be the unlucky one who dates/marries their GM - "can't let go" doesn't even cover it.

4) Funny, weren't the Indians supposed to be in the AL race somewhere? Oops.

5) No naked sports promises. DO NOT WANT!

Chemgeek said...

What???? Brett Farve is unretiring? Wow, I hadn't heard. [sorry, it's really hard to writing in that sarcastic-to-the-extreme tone]. I've been half expecting ESPN to start a new channel called the Brett Frave saga channel.

As you eluded to* I have a few opinions in this regard.

#1 I've been waiting a long time for this post. I'm glad to see you got around to doing it. I must confess, I jumped right to the Favre stuff and skipped everything else. Except of course the sexiness. Don't worry. I'll read it later.

#2 F*ck Brett Faver. What an arrogant bastard. Sorry Brett, it's not all about you.

#3 He may as well become a Viking. He's completed more passes to Vikings than T. Jack. (Tarvaris Jackson that is).

#4 I only hate Brett Frave for the following 3 reasons:
a) He has given my beloved Vikings fits during the past decade.
b) He spells his name wrong.
c) The media (such as Madden among others) shoot their wad at the mention of his name. I have news for you people. Brett is NOT the only one in the NFL that has fun!!!!! Geezus Chrips!!! He didn't invent the snow ball. Watching him high-five a ref brings you to orgasm. If you want to have sex with him, just say so.

#5 He set an NFL record for interceptions

#6 The most recent last pass of his career was an interception.

I could go on, but you get the point.

rFave is a fine QB, but I do not want him on the Vikings. Although, if he was to join the Vikings, I would enjoy sticking it to the fair-weather fans around here who jumped on the Packer fan-wagon when they were good. I have nothing against life-long Packer fans regardless of how low their collective IQ may be. I can't stand fans in general who can't be loyal to one team. There are too many Packer fans around here like that.

In conclusion, if Brett Faver plays, I am willing to bet he will have the worst season of his career. The tarnish, it is growing.

* try as I may, perfection continues to allude me.**

** I'm sorry. Sometimes I think I'm funny.

Chemgeek said...

I forgot to agree with jidai:

GO TWINS. The White Sox are just a little less evil than the Twins.

Also, speaking of naked... in college (why do so many "naked" stories start with 'in college?') at the end of the track season the team (of which I was a member) would get drunk and then sneak into the stadium and run a naked quarter. In my Junior year, it rained and the track was covered in worms. All I can remember is the squishy feeling with every step.

minijonb said...

i think Danica Partick isn't getting laid enough at home so she takes it out at the office.

Jon said...

That hurts man. Tonight I'm going to cry myself to sleep on my 2007 World Series Champions pillow.

Actually, I kind of agree with you. Red Sox fans are pretty obnoxious. Not me, of course. Other fans.

And, while I'm sad to see Manny go, ultimately it was the right move. I still think Theo was trying to stick it to Joe Torre one last time.

dg said...

I, for one, am SOOOOO sick of Danica Whinyass Patrick. Sure, she could kick my ass six ways to Sunday, but that's a copout when you sashay up and punch a man. I think the guys should turn her pretty face into mincemeat. The tantrums will end then.

McGone said...

My mouth is filled with blood from biting my tongue on this Favre ordeal.

@jidai: Now how exactly are my White Sox evil? Aside from the ritual virgin sacrifices, I mean?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wow. Comments!

@Hap It's not so much pointing and laughing; for some reason there are a lot of Ohio State fans trolling Notre Dame blogs and boards. I don't get it. Don't they have enough to hate with Michigan? Oh, and nicely done with the Emerson allusion. Yeah, weren't the Indians and Mariners supposed to be dominating the American League this year?

@Chemgeek A don't like Favre?

@Chemgeek B I think it's because, aside from infancy, that's when nudity is most accepted. Also, more "small market" teams really need to look into what the Twins are doing. They should be the standard as to how to run a franchise.

@minijonb Takes it out at the office? Are you telling me she's really a guy?

@Jon I suppose I shouldn't let a few bad apples sour me toward Red Sox nation (same goes for Hap and OSU), but seriously, I wanted to punch these guys in the balls everyday, except one was a vice president of the company and the other was a woman with a very man-shaped head. Oh, and, so, what, do you sleep with the 2004 World Series Champs pillow between your knees to keep your spine aligned at night?

@DG Yeah, she could probably kick my ass, too (and Lord knows I don't look half as nice in a bikini), but I'd still like to see her get her come-uppance. Maybe she should forget to change the litter in the litter box. Sorry, that was in bad taste.

@McGone Are you sure that's not blood from eating a the rest of the White Sox do?

Jidai said...

@ mcgone
They are evil because Ozzie is a little imp of a man. I mean taking his team off the field in a middle of a game? SHAME!

Plus there is just something unnatural about a team full of guys who look like they ate a body builder. Not to mention as a lifelong Twins fan, I have an utter disdain for any other central division team, except the Royals, who are just funny in their attempts to be a grown up team.

Also that whole thing where the white sox eat the first born child thing.

Jidai said...


Actually my story is from Junior High... and it was in front of a crowd of girls.

Falwless said...

*eyes glazed over*

Rider said...

I think you mean Notre Dame, Indiana. Right?

Grant Miller said...

I have a comemorative "Pine Tar Incident" baseball batt produed by Louisville Slugger shortly after it happened. I don't know if it's worth anything now. I use it to prop open windows and stuff.

Go White Sox.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Rider No, no. I lived in South Bend, as did my buddy. The bet was that I had to run from my place to his, but it involved a run through part of campus. Being that Notre Dame is full of Catholic goodness, it never gets cold there. South Bend, however, does.

@ Grant Miller I dunno...people pay a lot of money for strange stuff when it comes to commemorating various parts of baseball history. For instance, a card with the words "Fuck Face" on it is worth $25.

And everyone...someone must have busted ass. Poor Falw's eyes glazed over, and I for one and calling "Doorknob".

Hap said...

1) I hate to ruin my cred, (well, whatever it is) but I missed my own reference. Oops.

2) I don't know why OSU fans hate on Notre Dame - do they need a reason? Maybe they're figuring that this will be their only chance to pound on Notre Dame fans because last year won't recur? Or maybe some "Highlander" sequel that wasn't purged from Hollywood's intestinal tract? I always figured there were enough other schools to hate - Florida, LSU, Michigan (before Favre took over the media, that was shaping up to be a fine little soap opera), maybe Wisconsin and Iowa for giggles. The arrogance of your coach is annoying, but if we have to hate every arrogant nutmunch in sports, we won't have any time left to compile the All-Ohio Prison Sports Team.

3) Danica has won something - she's highly overrated, but at she isn't busy posing setting up dating leagues of Russian hockey stars. I would keep her as far away from Rory Sabbatini as possible, though - the near-infinite smack:performance ratio between the two of them will ensure that their child won't be able to chew after it turns three from having its jaw broken repeatedly (by other kids and parents, not them).

4) Ozzie Guillen looks like a possessed elf - he may be the only soul that exists within the confines of New Comiskey. The White Sox colors give me Raider flashbacks, and that's enough of a reason to dislike them.

5) I think lots of naked stories start in college because both alcohol consumption and chutzpah usually reach maxima about that time. Pritchard's Second Law states that "if you're drunk and it seems like a good idea, it isn't." Being drunk that much (and horny) increases the chance that something with nakedness involved will seem like a good idea.

6) Please don't mention the words "John Madden" and "orgasm" in the same sentence again. Particularly one involving naked promises.

Frank said...

"like having my testicles pulled slowly out of my nose with a crochet hook"

I will have to remember this one to describe the next Harry Potter movie I am dragged to.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

First, I gave up baseball after dating Jim Riggleman and discovering that managing the Cubs was all he could manage. So yeah, I'm with you on cub-hatin'

Second: Do you know where I could get a pair of those stockings? I think I might find a use for them somewhere down the road...

Third - I'm a KC Chiefs fan. I love how they can choke at the end of every season, just when it MIGHT be possible for them to actually win it. Yep, my college team does the same damn thing. We have been in a "rebuilding year" since the Wrecking Crew wrecked it back in 93. So much for Runningback U!! Must be something I look for in a football team. I can't wait for the suckage to begin this year.

Oh yeah and I am reading you and DG while on vacation. That's some loyalty there for ya :-)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ Hap: 1) It's okay. You're a Classical American Literature genius and you don't even know it. You're so humble.

2) It could be that Chubby Chuckles deserves it, but I doubt that it's just because we were 3-9 last year. I'm guessing it might be a hold over from the Fiesta Bowl a couple of years ago? Maybe it's a midwest thing, since Purdue and Indiana are...well...sad? I dunno.

3) Wow. I still giggle at that one. Hope the kid enjoys straws.

4) While the Sox colors do inspire visions of Radier Nation, it did make for one sweet-looking World Series ring. I will give them that. As for Ozzie...he amuses me, only because he gives the baseball guys at the World Wide Leader fits when he starts on his tirades. And the blow up doll, I still say, is funny. Sick, wrong, cruel...but funny.

5) You're exactly right about the naked and college stories. Plus, there's that whole caveat of "I was in college." Kind of like saying, "It's just Manny being Manny".

6) I guess saying that "Madden verbally masturbates over Favre" probably is also a no-no?

@ Frank Actually, Half-Blood Prince was the best book in the entire series. I'd reserve that line for the last one. Hopefully the movie will be better than the book...

@ Lisa's chest Wow, I'm on the same page as DG? I'm honored. As for the stockings, I'll try to figure out what website I lifted them from and send you along the link. I'm assuming you mean the first pair.

And...Jim Riggleman? Yeah, he was feckless as the manager of the Cubs. Hasn't he resurfaced in Seattle now?

I liked the Chiefs when Montana went there to finish off his career. Maybe Favre will end up in KC. Sort of a circle of life thing...or maybe, more accurately, an "Old Quarterbacks go there to Die" sort of thing. As for your alma mater, you just need to get Bob Davie back in maroon. He'd love it. Apparently, while head coaching Notre Dame, he kept doodling helmets with your logo on them in the margins of the notes he was taking.

Hap said...

I think I'm gonna be sick. The only thing worse would be Brent Musburger mentally masturbating to Brett Favre (or John Madden) on air - if there isn't an FCC ruling about Brent Musburger, there should be. Though it would give the "Kill your TV" set a powerful image for an ad campaign.