Prepare yourselves.
We're coming upon that time of year again, when pollen fogs the airs, sinuses swell and fill with mucus and the sneezing--oh, the sneezing. Snuck. Yep, even though there's two feet of snow on the ground in some places, allergy season--like fat people--is lurking. It's right there, in the non-distant future, waiting to punch each and every one of us in the junk and then fuck with our immune systems.
Seems as though poor Robert Pattinson has already begun the suffering.
Woe is poor Cedric Diggory--I mean, aside from that whole Avada kedavra thing and whatnot--because he's suffering from some seriously debilitating afflictions. And not just a severe case of douchebag or bearing a striking resemblance to a Neanderthal.
No, it seems poor Edward Cullen is allergic to vagina.
...
Really?
Well, Bobby--I can call you that, right?--I'm here for support. As it turns out, I'm allergic to vaginas, too! Yep, whenever I'm around one, I break out in a severe case of erections, and I begin oozing a clear, sticky, salty fluid. If I'm exposed to them too much, I emit a thick, white, creamy liquid as well. It's really, really tragic.
But, you know, I'm dealing. It's hard, but I've got a handle (or two) on it.
Apparently, poor woebegone Rob had to sit all day long with his head in a naked woman's crotch while someone took his picture. Yep. Sure is rough for M. Pattinson.
He apparently didn't enjoy himself much during the photo shoot. Fortunately, he was hung over, which made it that much easier to suffer through the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. That's why he thinks he's allergic to vagina. Because he had to do a photo shoot with some of them.
Well, I guess that explains the 108-year-old virgin thing, eh?
Now, the problem is, with that comment about his allergy and, one can assume, his aversion to vagina, he's just crushed the hopes of dreams of 40-year-old women around the entire world. I can hear the gnashing of teeth and beating of breasts now and soiling of panties now. Tis a doleful sound, one unfit for human ears.
Anyway, I'm here for you, Rob. If you need me, I'm good for all that support and counseling and shit. Just, uh, let me know if you need someone to sit in between the thighs of a model or anything. I'm your man! Just call me, and I'll be right over. You can just hide yourself away from all those vaginas and the adverse reactions they give you. *thumbs up*
Dibs on Cho Chang.
2 weeks ago
