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Oh, Woeful Allergies!

February 16, 2010

Prepare yourselves.

We're coming upon that time of year again, when pollen fogs the airs, sinuses swell and fill with mucus and the sneezing--oh, the sneezing. Snuck. Yep, even though there's two feet of snow on the ground in some places, allergy season--like fat people--is lurking. It's right there, in the non-distant future, waiting to punch each and every one of us in the junk and then fuck with our immune systems.

Seems as though poor Robert Pattinson has already begun the suffering.

Woe is poor Cedric Diggory--I mean, aside from that whole Avada kedavra thing and whatnot--because he's suffering from some seriously debilitating afflictions. And not just a severe case of douchebag or bearing a striking resemblance to a Neanderthal.

No, it seems poor Edward Cullen is allergic to vagina.

...

Really?

Well, Bobby--I can call you that, right?--I'm here for support. As it turns out, I'm allergic to vaginas, too! Yep, whenever I'm around one, I break out in a severe case of erections, and I begin oozing a clear, sticky, salty fluid. If I'm exposed to them too much, I emit a thick, white, creamy liquid as well. It's really, really tragic.

But, you know, I'm dealing. It's hard, but I've got a handle (or two) on it.

Apparently, poor woebegone Rob had to sit all day long with his head in a naked woman's crotch while someone took his picture. Yep. Sure is rough for M. Pattinson.

He apparently didn't enjoy himself much during the photo shoot. Fortunately, he was hung over, which made it that much easier to suffer through the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. That's why he thinks he's allergic to vagina. Because he had to do a photo shoot with some of them.

Well, I guess that explains the 108-year-old virgin thing, eh?

Now, the problem is, with that comment about his allergy and, one can assume, his aversion to vagina, he's just crushed the hopes of dreams of 40-year-old women around the entire world. I can hear the gnashing of teeth and beating of breasts now and soiling of panties now. Tis a doleful sound, one unfit for human ears.

Anyway, I'm here for you, Rob. If you need me, I'm good for all that support and counseling and shit. Just, uh, let me know if you need someone to sit in between the thighs of a model or anything. I'm your man! Just call me, and I'll be right over. You can just hide yourself away from all those vaginas and the adverse reactions they give you. *thumbs up*

Dibs on Cho Chang.

20 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

Allergic to vaginas? Is he confessing to being gay for god's sake? Fucker.

LiLu said...

See, this is totally Darwinism trying to wipe him out.

Travis said...

I'm so excited!

lurk: lie in wait, lie in ambush, behave in a sneaky and secretive manner

I'm sneaky and secretive! YES!

I'm going to get my ninja outfit made!

kate said...

Oh, I have so many friends that will weep themselves to sleep if he turns out to like dudes...

Bev said...

I think he's hot, but I also think he's gayer than a rainbow, so I'm not gnashing my teeth.

Oh, and he looks sooooo hung-over and awful in that photoshoot. Ew.

Elliott said...

Why would anyone ruin a perfectly good naked model shoot with douche? Sure, if it was fetish work, I can understand but sheesh!

SkylersDad said...

Completely off topic, but that Twighlight de-motivator poster is the best ever!

Adam L. said...

"It's hard, but I've got a handle (or two) on it."

Ha!

Lizzy and Elle said...

How do you handle that allergy to vaginas?

btw we took stuff

Wynn said...

I feel like I missed something. Allergic? To vaginas? Not even homosexual man are allergic. This requires googling.

Oh, and that swelling and excretion of bodily fluids in the company of women is totally natural. No I swear, don't worry.

Wynn said...

I feel like I missed something. Allergic? To vaginas? Not even homosexual man are allergic. This requires googling.

Oh, and that swelling and excretion of bodily fluids in the company of women is totally natural. No I swear, don't worry.

Jeney Peney said...

I always knew Bella should have gone with the under aged werewolf...

HeatherLynn said...

Allergic to vagina's...well that's a new one!

Now I'm certain that when I'm watching the next Twilight movie when it comes out I'll inevitably have to think of this post....

I'm however not 40....and I don't have a crush on Robert....his character in the BOOK far upstages his on screen performance ability....and please don't crucify me for just writing that! lol I am a fan of the books. sorry! :)

~hl~
{www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}

Eric said...

I'm allergic to NOT being around them. Hurrah for the 'V'!!!

!!

!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Well, Edward. That's fine. Be that way. I've suddenly developed an allergy to dicks.

(I need to cc: John Mayer on this one.)

MJenks said...

In case anyone is wondering...THIS is the post where I lost my first follower!

That will be the answer to a trivia question, some day.

Elliott said...

Because of the word 'vagina', or because you shamed a book series for pre-pubescent girls?

I say you run a post knocking the Jonas brothers and see if you get the same reaction, for the sake of science.

And of course, any time I read the word 'vagina', I think of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isFf3t_4Zbk

words...words...words... said...

So Pattinson doesn't like vagina? In other breaking news, water is wet.

Also, dig this: http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/7/23/633839569142980630-twilight.jpg

otherworldlyone said...

Jenks, you needs to get Eric to type out the word 'VAGINA'. He just won't do it. Can we get a poll going?

Nej said...

Wow...I must be really far behind on my current events? I really must look up this photo shoot you speak of. :-)