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Inspirational Reads

We Have a Problem Here...

February 15, 2010

People, you know me. I don't like to bitch about stuff.

But, I'm going to complain about something. I'm probably way out of line, but I can't take it anymore, and I have to say something. I'm throwing myself upon you, the internet, to rectify this problem. Mostly because, you, the internet has allowed this problem to manifest and propagate itself.

Now, there's a certain social networking website out there and, with the lead up to Valentine's Day, it's been, in a word, sickening. I've had to endure a gaggle of stupid, inane, insipid pandering from one partner to another via the electronic media. I'm hoping that, with the passing of St. Valentine's Day, the massacre bloodletting lovey dovey bullshit will end. I'm not holding my breath, though. I know how this shit goes.

The problem is, why do you need a fucking social networking site to make your feelings known to your spouse or partner or lover or the whore you paid fifty bucks to go to Outback with you? And it's not just the "I love you, Pooter" followed up with "I love you, too, Muffincakes". That shit I can handle. It's the "tell the world WHY you love your partner." Oh! I just piddled in my panties a little bit with exhilaration.

It's shit like "I love my husband because he LOVES the Lord!" Or "I love my husband because he makes me smile." "I love my wife because she fluffs the covers before we get into bed." "I love my husband because he has warm hands."

Shut the fuck up, Ned and Maude Flanders!

Okay, look. I'm glad you're in love. I'm glad that you've found someone who makes you happy AND fluffs your blankets for you. But, knock that shit the fuck out already. Thanks to my piss-poor lifestyle choices, I'm probably borderline diabetic, and this shit is enough to put me over the edge. Frankly, I hate needles, so this cute and cuddly happy lovey shit isn't doing me any favors.

The only thing worse here is that I somehow managed to not respond with a bunch of sarcastic, mean-spirited asservations of my own. Shit like:

  • I love my wife because she's got some big titties. And small nips.
  • I love my wife because she knows how to take a cumshot.
  • I love my wife because she greets me at the door with a martini and a blowjob. Every. Day.
  • I love my wife because she doesn't mind if I refer to her as "Kate Beckinsale" during sexy time.
  • I love my wife because she lets me pop it in her pooper every other Thursday night.

No, I kept these declarations of love bottled up, mostly because I don't need an angry phone call from my mother. "You can't write that kind of stuff on the internet!" she'd screech through the receiver. Oh, mama, you should come 'round this joint on Thursdays...

However, I did finally do something that was at least a little bit in the same vein as my twisted sense of humor would allow. When the meme came down that, in honor of Valentine's Day, we should post a picture of ourselves with our significant other, I opted for Brock Samson straddling Molotov Cocktease.

I figured it had it all: I'm blond, built like a Norse god, look great shirtless, need a haircut. My wife is a sultry sexpot with red hair and big tits, and occasionally--especially if she drinks too much of the wine--she gets an exotic accent (Atlantan, I believe).

The nice thing was, I could easily figure out which of my "friends" have good senses of humor and which are...well...the kinds to declare their love for their husbands because "he doesn't make me cook!"

Although...I am thinking maybe I should have gone with my first choice for a picture of me and my significant other. I dunno, you guys make the call.

20 comments:

Scope said...

Lordy, that second picture may have gotten a call from the moms, too.

And I know sometimes I dance way over the line, I try to keep that on my blog. I try not to get too sappy over on the social networking site.

But are red heads with nice b(.)(.)b-age an awesome thing? ;-)

Elliott said...

I generally just elect not to participate in such lemming-like activities. However, if I'd had such a brilliant profile pic, I might have changed my mind.

June said...

Tell me how you really feel...
I love when your write like this - makes my fucking day!

Hot comic shot.

Travis said...

I didn't even get on that social networking site this weekend.

Matter of fact, I don't get on it much at all anymore, just because of the idiots.

I just add a #fb to the end of my tweets, and reply to comments if I get them.

Loved the hot comic action.

Joel D. Timm said...

If I came home and told my wife I loved her because (insert sappy reason) she would look at me and say, "What are you after? Never mind, you're not getting it. Now take out the trash."

The whold lovey dovey thing makes me sick.

Jeney Peney said...

Not to mention when they all change their profile pictures to SAME ONE of them together.

Puke.

SkylersDad said...

The first one you used I thought was brilliant. Now I feel saddened because the second one wasn't your choice.

Brilliant shit, I love it!

LiLu said...

HAHA. I'm a fan of the second, myself. If only I wasn't "friends" with my grandparents on there...

kate said...

Ehh, I've got a picture of me and my husband up from our wedding reception...not because it's all lovey-dovey, but because I think it makes me look all smoldery and hot. It's really all about me. I love my husband because he was totally okay with skipping a V-Day dinner/shmooze-fest in order to go get drunk at a Monster Truck rally. Now THAT'S love.

otherworldlyone said...

Definitely the second one.

The reasons you love your wife are the most romantic thing I've heard today. Sniff.

Pfangirl said...

Hear, hear! I totally agree with your sentiments... although curiously yesterday my Facebook feed was quieter than usual in terms of the bile-triggering schmaltz. And I'd even braced myself by enlisting the other V to ward off the lovey-doveys on my blog.

Oh, my choice: the first pic.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Shoo, I'm glad I didn't change my photo to a lovey-dovey shot of my hubs and me... but, then again, you know me - I'd never do something that nice for my man.

Mala said...

My husband asked me if I was going to do anything special for him for Black Sunday. I replied that I wouldn't consider holding the pillow over his face when he slept tonight. But just for Valentine's Day. Afterwards, game on!
Too sappy?

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Whooo...I was running low on cynicism there. Thanks for the refill. Although, I guess I didn't need it because the lovey dovey posts were driving me crazy. How many times can a girl put her finger down her throat? Wait, don't answer that. Since I deactivated FB, I escaped that hell.

adrienzgirl said...

This is some of your best blogging ever. I totally like the pic you posted. Though, the second is quite awesome too.

The hubs tells people all the time the reasons he married me, and the reasons he loves me are
I cook real good.
I have big boobies.
AND I let him put his wiener in my mouth.

Yep...that's love right there!

MJenks said...

@ Scope: Really, did you have to ask that last question? Come now...

@ Elliot: If I'm doing a lemming-esque nosedive off the cliff into internet meme-dom, I've decided to put my thumbprint on it. My answer to myspace questionnaires used to be the stuff of legend.

@ June: Thanks. I kind of enjoy letting loose every so often, my damned self (and, the whole reason for trying to make this thing more "anonymous").

@ Travis: At this point, I think I go there just FOR the idiots. It's kind of like Steam Me Up, Kid's dad in that I enjoy going there and reading what dumb people have to say and then getting all bent out of shape over it. Makes for good blog fodder, too.

@ Joel: Me, too, my good friend. I think, at one point, my wife was trying to mold me into a lovey-dovey, but she's given up hope at this point.

@ Jeney: Yes, this is something that I will not do. I did toy with the notion of putting up Fred and Wilma Flintstone, since she has a picture of Wilma as her profile pic currently, but I thought that was too much. Ergo, Brock Samson and Molotov Cocktease.

@ Skydad: Thank you, sir. The second picture was my first choice, because that particular episode of Venture Brothers nearly made me piss my pants from laughing so hard, but I thought the pic I actually used had a few more layers of "naughty" built in. That's why it won out.

@ Lilu: Fortunately, my grandparents are dead and not on the site. Wait, that sounded wrong. Fortunately, my grandparents aren't on the site, because they're dead.

Hmmm...

Anyway...my mom and her non sequiter comments are enough for me to deal with. I can't imagine if my grandparents were on there...

@ kate: Damn. I like I love your husband a little bit now, too.

@ OtherWorldlyOne: She did well, marrying someone with a soul as poetic as mine...

@ Pfangirl: I, for one, LOVED your V picture. Very nice.

And I avoided the site like the plague until later in the day, just because I couldn't take it.

@ Amber: I dunno. Wearing that 80's shirt seems like reward enough for the hubs. Even if you don't bring him home take out.

@ Mala: You know, that sounds eerily similar to when my wife demands that I "be nice to her" and "treat her like a lady". My usual response is "alright, fine, I won't play with your tits while I'm jerking off until AFTER you're asleep"

And she wonders where that funny taste in her mouth comes from in the mornings. Heh heh heh...

@ Happy Hour: Oh, man, I thought we had the makings of a fetish film there for a second, what with the finger and the throat and the gagging...

I wallow in cynicism like a hog in slop.

@ adrienzgirl: Your husband and I are riding the same wavelength to Hell, I see. I like it. It was getting lonely up here.

red said...

Dude. You need new friends.

That Baldy Fella said...

Definitely should have gone with the second picture

Nej said...

I took the high road...avoided the site like it was the flu. :-)

Junket said...

I was so annoyed by all that bullshit, too. I LOVE that you would choose to post those pics because it's PERFECT. Thanks for sharing that with us because now I like you and your wife even more!!!