People, you know me. I don't like to bitch about stuff.
But, I'm going to complain about something. I'm probably way out of line, but I can't take it anymore, and I have to say something. I'm throwing myself upon you, the internet, to rectify this problem. Mostly because, you, the internet has allowed this problem to manifest and propagate itself.
Now, there's a certain social networking website out there and, with the lead up to Valentine's Day, it's been, in a word, sickening. I've had to endure a gaggle of stupid, inane, insipid pandering from one partner to another via the electronic media. I'm hoping that, with the passing of St. Valentine's Day, the
massacre bloodletting lovey dovey bullshit will end. I'm not holding my breath, though. I know how this shit goes.
The problem is, why do you need a fucking social networking site to make your feelings known to your spouse or partner or lover or the whore you paid fifty bucks to go to Outback with you? And it's not just the "I love you, Pooter" followed up with "I love you, too, Muffincakes". That shit I can handle. It's the "tell the world WHY you love your partner." Oh! I just piddled in my panties a little bit with exhilaration.
It's shit like "I love my husband because he LOVES the Lord!" Or "I love my husband because he makes me smile." "I love my wife because she fluffs the covers before we get into bed." "I love my husband because he has warm hands."
Shut the fuck up, Ned and Maude Flanders!
Okay, look. I'm glad you're in love. I'm glad that you've found someone who makes you happy AND fluffs your blankets for you. But, knock that shit the fuck out already. Thanks to my piss-poor lifestyle choices, I'm probably borderline diabetic, and this shit is enough to put me over the edge. Frankly, I hate needles, so this cute and cuddly happy lovey shit isn't doing me any favors.
The only thing worse here is that I somehow managed to not respond with a bunch of sarcastic, mean-spirited asservations of my own. Shit like:
- I love my wife because she's got some big titties. And small nips.
- I love my wife because she knows how to take a cumshot.
- I love my wife because she greets me at the door with a martini and a blowjob. Every. Day.
- I love my wife because she doesn't mind if I refer to her as "Kate Beckinsale" during sexy time.
- I love my wife because she lets me pop it in her pooper every other Thursday night.
No, I kept these declarations of love bottled up, mostly because I don't need an angry phone call from my mother. "You can't write that kind of stuff on the internet!" she'd screech through the receiver. Oh, mama, you should come 'round this joint on Thursdays...
However, I did finally do something that was at least a little bit in the same vein as my twisted sense of humor would allow. When the meme came down that, in honor of Valentine's Day, we should post a picture of ourselves with our significant other, I opted for Brock Samson straddling Molotov Cocktease.
I figured it had it all: I'm blond, built like a Norse god, look great shirtless, need a haircut. My wife is a sultry sexpot with red hair and big tits, and occasionally--especially if she drinks too much of the wine--she gets an exotic accent (Atlantan, I believe).
The nice thing was, I could easily figure out which of my "friends" have good senses of humor and which are...well...the kinds to declare their love for their husbands because "he doesn't make me cook!"
Although...I am thinking maybe I should have gone with my first choice for a picture of me and my significant other. I dunno, you guys make the call.