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Inspirational Reads


February 17, 2010

Ever have a good story, ready to go, and then suddenly you find that the person you about to scathingingly lambast in your post has a birthday on the exact same day you wanted to write about that person? And then, for some strange fucking reason, you decide shortly after writing the post about that person that you're going to "get a conscience" and "feel guilty" and "turn into a pussy" all because you decided to make fun of the size of that person's love muscle? And then, after you've penned this perfectly awesome piece about how this person wronged you in so many, many ways, you suddenly find yourself without a topic and all your opining and bad-mouthing and verbal crucification is suddenly...gone?

Well, that's what today is like for me, friends.

I was going to tell you the story of my friend, Billy*, and how he wronged me on several occasions and, because I am just like a pair of arms that offer hugs and warm feelings and all that shit, I let him walk all over me. But, it's his birthday, and since birthdays are special and made of things like rainbows and fairy dust and Baby Jesus farts, I'm not going to tell you any of those things about Billy*.

Oh, sure, I could tell you about how Hilary Lightfoot** was snatched from the pedestal I set her upon by Billy's* tainted hands, but I won't. Not today.

No, today, I'm supposed to set aside evil, vile memories of the past, to release some of the bitterness, to just let it go... I need to not think about how Billy* went to Purdue and would always speak to me in Spanish or how I nearly died once in his driveway or any of a thousand other interactions that I had with Billy*. I will, however, interject at this point:

"My fucking name isn't Matteo! Stop fucking calling me that!"

Damn, that was cathartic.

I will tell you a good story about Billy*. Mostly because I end up getting hurt. But helps me in the end.

Billy* and I went to the same church camp. We went to different churches, but we went to the same church camp.

As an aside...despite what Amber might tell camp is awesome. Mostly because the ladies, they swoon for you if you tell them that you love Jesus. And since I do love Jesus, they swooned, and they let me do stuff like refer to them as "Yummy Britches" and "You, the Hot One in the Pink Shorts!" and hold their feet while they do sit-ups all the while I was staring down the legs of their baggy shorts and looking at their underwear. Church camp wood rules. I LOVE JESUS!!!

Anyway, I was with my girlfriend (my church camp girlfriend...discuss amongst yourselves as to whether she was a real girlfriend or not) Rebecca*** one night on the pier at church camp. Now, Billy* and I had the stupid idea to hit tennis balls into the lake and swim out and get them. Kind of like Kramer and the golf balls, but on a much more sophomoric and Midwestern scale.

Billy* and I decided that we would rather NOT swim into the deeper water to retrieve the tennis balls, so we turned around and started smacking them toward the shore instead. This way we could swim up, get them, and if we were tired, we could wade to shore and rest, or stand there and rest or whatever.

Well, I forgot that Billy* was left-handed. So, when it was his turn to smack the balls (heh), I was totally blindsided by the follow-through of his swing.


I took a shot in the upper left temple. Cow-ping. It split my scalp open widely. Because I'm made of testosterone, masculinity and Chuck Norris' beard hair, I didn't pass out. I didn't cry. I didn't even swear. I just held my hand up to my profusely-bleeding scalp, nodded my head to Rebecca***, and said "Excuse me for a second."

Since it was church camp and Jesus was in the air, I didn't beat Billy* to death (like he deserved). Instead, I went back to the cabin wherein I was treated by medical staff and taken off to Warsaw Community Hospital. I received 14 stitches, had an awesome lightning-shaped scar on my temple, and could communicate with snakes. Alohomora, bitches.

Not only did Billy* apologize profusely AND feel guilty for nearly killing me, but since this was church camp, everyone felt sorry for me.

Especially the ladies.

Hell yeah.

Kristine from Kokomo...if you're reading still have awesome legs. And Becky from Eastbrook high's that red hair treating you these days? *mimes picking up a phone receiver with my fingers and holding them to my ear while mouthing the words "Call me"*

Since this happened on a Friday night and everyone was leaving on Saturday, I got out of cleaning the cabin. In fact, most of what I did on Saturday was soak up the affections and happy feelings and everything else associated with the end of church camp.

And Billy* had to do the dishes.

*Not his real name
**Her real name, which is ready-made for epic fantasy books. Or porn.
***Also her real name


Travis said...

The awesomeness of this post is too much to describe.

That picture...I love you.

Also, a church camp girlfriend IS a real girlfriend, for the duration of the camp. Anything after needs to be decided the first week of school together in the fall.

I have some experience in this area.


Bev said...

Church camp wood, nice. You are going straight to H-E-double hockey sticks, MATTEO.

See ya there! :)

(Great post!)

SkylersDad said...

I feel so cheated. All I got was catacism with harsh nuns wielding rulers and no camp. Ergo, no wood...

Mala said...

Can we get joining rooms?

So what's the appropriate post-birthday waiting period before you can write tales about "the size of that person's love muscle"?

Elliott said...

Boy, did Billy* luck out on this one...

kate said...

I never went to camp, but I worked at one during college one definitly wasn't a church camp (which may have something to do with the fact that I caught one of my 11-year-old campers giving another kid a blowie under the tennis court bleachers. Tiny, tiny sluts).

Eric said...

Never went to a church camp, but one time in band camp was pretty good for many of the same reasons.

BeckEye said...

Did you kiss your church girlfriend with church tongue or porno tongue?

carissa said...

I never went to churchcamp, but i had no idea it would be so violent...I sure hope Billy* reads this and feels awful.

Ed Adams said...

I half expected a flute story. Then I remembered that you said church camp.

I went to church camp once. But they eventually caught me peeking in the womens shower and called the cops.

Seriously though, you have deeper Indiana roots than I thought. I graduated from Mississinewa High School. If you know Eastbrook and Marion, than you know Mississinewa.

Scope said...

And I'm glad to hear that the throbbing, debilitating headaches faded after a decade or so.

Just incase *Billy is reading this, I want to hit him with more guilt. As you know, that's how Catholics roll.

adrienzgirl said...

Guys with scars are hot!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Did I say church camp wasn't awesome?

There were awesome moments, I would like to thank Scott Livengood, son of an evangelist man, for most of those.

Just Another Momma said...

Billy* made you a huge chick magnet.

Nej said...

After all that, you didn't take time to short-sheet his bed, or pour grape koolaid powder on his pillow? No retaliation whatsoever?????

Come on, fess up!!!!! :-)