Two Posts for the Price of One

So, I was going to put together a TMI Thursday post last night, but I was busy having sex.

Hmmm...I guess that itself is a TMI Thursday post...

Well, thanks for stopping by.

What? Three lines doesn't do it for you? Fine.

It was really good sex, too.

Still not sated? Okay, okay.

There won't be an official TMI Thursday post, nor will there be a Friday filled with dead language pick-up lines and insults. So, this post will have to fill in for tomorrow's, as well. If you're nice, I might be back on Saturday!

However, this is a grim day, my friends. You see, my carefree life of being a young, married man with no children has come to a screeching halt.

I have to go get my kids tonight. They've been visiting their grandparents (my wife's parents) for the past week and a half or so.

That means I'm making the roughly seven-hour drive to Knoxville tonight after work, power sleeping on a couch for a few hours, getting up at the ass crack of dawn and driving back home from Knoxville. Who needs sleep when you can be driving???

And, Sweet Baby Jesus, forgive me, but if I'm hauling my ass to and from Knoxville in a span of time less than what it takes the Earth to orbit the Daymoon sun, then I'm eating meat on Friday during Lent. And I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it.

So, in case you were curious as to why or how I was eating my dinner in the buff the other night, that's why. It was just me and the wife.

And lots of sex with the bedroom door open.

Loud, raucous sex, without having to explain to anyone that we're just "exercising".

But all of that comes to an end tonight when I go to reclaim the kids from my mother- and father-in-law. Along with the kids, I have to collect their stuff, and then I have to bring back all the shit my parents have foisted off on us.

My mom and dad went to see my kids for the first time in...a year or so...last weekend. I don't know if I've told you this or not, but my mom refuses to visit because she's batshit crazy afraid that bears will attack the car as she's traveling through the Appalachians.

...

Just sit back and let that one sink in for a while.

Anyway, whenever my parents go to visit my kids while they're at my wife's parents' house, they always bring a carload of shit to pawn off on me and my wife. Once, we got a napkin ring. A single. Fucking. Napkin ring. I don't remember what else we've "inherited" over the past ten years or so, but the napkin ring was pretty fucking spectacular.

So, instead of spending time ignoring my son with their grandkids, my parents bring along my niece and allow her to run the show hand over stuff to my in-laws with order to pass that shit along to me. I then get a phone call a couple of hours later telling me about how the kids have grown--no shit, they do that when you see them only once a year--and just how much taller my daughter is than my niece...despite the fact that I'm taller than my brother (not to mention far more dashingly handsome) and my daughter is almost a full year older than my niece.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Sonic's website so that I can pinpoint the location of America's Drive-In that is approximately two-and-a-half to three-hours away.

Um...

Ever have a good story, ready to go, and then suddenly you find that the person you about to scathingingly lambast in your post has a birthday on the exact same day you wanted to write about that person? And then, for some strange fucking reason, you decide shortly after writing the post about that person that you're going to "get a conscience" and "feel guilty" and "turn into a pussy" all because you decided to make fun of the size of that person's love muscle? And then, after you've penned this perfectly awesome piece about how this person wronged you in so many, many ways, you suddenly find yourself without a topic and all your opining and bad-mouthing and verbal crucification is suddenly...gone?

Well, that's what today is like for me, friends.

I was going to tell you the story of my friend, Billy*, and how he wronged me on several occasions and, because I am just like a pair of arms that offer hugs and warm feelings and all that shit, I let him walk all over me. But, it's his birthday, and since birthdays are special and made of things like rainbows and fairy dust and Baby Jesus farts, I'm not going to tell you any of those things about Billy*.

Oh, sure, I could tell you about how Hilary Lightfoot** was snatched from the pedestal I set her upon by Billy's* tainted hands, but I won't. Not today.

No, today, I'm supposed to set aside evil, vile memories of the past, to release some of the bitterness, to just let it go... I need to not think about how Billy* went to Purdue and would always speak to me in Spanish or how I nearly died once in his driveway or any of a thousand other interactions that I had with Billy*. I will, however, interject at this point:

"My fucking name isn't Matteo! Stop fucking calling me that!"

Damn, that was cathartic.

I will tell you a good story about Billy*. Mostly because I end up getting hurt. But helps me in the end.

Billy* and I went to the same church camp. We went to different churches, but we went to the same church camp.

As an aside...despite what Amber might tell you...church camp is awesome. Mostly because the ladies, they swoon for you if you tell them that you love Jesus. And since I do love Jesus, they swooned, and they let me do stuff like refer to them as "Yummy Britches" and "You, the Hot One in the Pink Shorts!" and hold their feet while they do sit-ups all the while I was staring down the legs of their baggy shorts and looking at their underwear. Church camp wood rules. I LOVE JESUS!!!

Anyway, I was with my girlfriend (my church camp girlfriend...discuss amongst yourselves as to whether she was a real girlfriend or not) Rebecca*** one night on the pier at church camp. Now, Billy* and I had the stupid idea to hit tennis balls into the lake and swim out and get them. Kind of like Kramer and the golf balls, but on a much more sophomoric and Midwestern scale.

Billy* and I decided that we would rather NOT swim into the deeper water to retrieve the tennis balls, so we turned around and started smacking them toward the shore instead. This way we could swim up, get them, and if we were tired, we could wade to shore and rest, or stand there and rest or whatever.

Well, I forgot that Billy* was left-handed. So, when it was his turn to smack the balls (heh), I was totally blindsided by the follow-through of his swing.

Literally.

I took a shot in the upper left temple. Cow-ping. It split my scalp open widely. Because I'm made of testosterone, masculinity and Chuck Norris' beard hair, I didn't pass out. I didn't cry. I didn't even swear. I just held my hand up to my profusely-bleeding scalp, nodded my head to Rebecca***, and said "Excuse me for a second."

Since it was church camp and Jesus was in the air, I didn't beat Billy* to death (like he deserved). Instead, I went back to the cabin wherein I was treated by medical staff and taken off to Warsaw Community Hospital. I received 14 stitches, had an awesome lightning-shaped scar on my temple, and could communicate with snakes. Alohomora, bitches.

Not only did Billy* apologize profusely AND feel guilty for nearly killing me, but since this was church camp, everyone felt sorry for me.

Especially the ladies.

Hell yeah.

Kristine from Kokomo...if you're reading this...you still have awesome legs. And Becky from Eastbrook high school...how's that red hair treating you these days? *mimes picking up a phone receiver with my fingers and holding them to my ear while mouthing the words "Call me"*

Since this happened on a Friday night and everyone was leaving on Saturday, I got out of cleaning the cabin. In fact, most of what I did on Saturday was soak up the affections and happy feelings and everything else associated with the end of church camp.

And Billy* had to do the dishes.


*Not his real name
**Her real name, which is ready-made for epic fantasy books. Or porn.
***Also her real name