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Two Posts for the Price of One

April 1, 2010

So, I was going to put together a TMI Thursday post last night, but I was busy having sex.

Hmmm...I guess that itself is a TMI Thursday post...

Well, thanks for stopping by.

What? Three lines doesn't do it for you? Fine.

It was really good sex, too.

Still not sated? Okay, okay.

There won't be an official TMI Thursday post, nor will there be a Friday filled with dead language pick-up lines and insults. So, this post will have to fill in for tomorrow's, as well. If you're nice, I might be back on Saturday!

However, this is a grim day, my friends. You see, my carefree life of being a young, married man with no children has come to a screeching halt.

I have to go get my kids tonight. They've been visiting their grandparents (my wife's parents) for the past week and a half or so.

That means I'm making the roughly seven-hour drive to Knoxville tonight after work, power sleeping on a couch for a few hours, getting up at the ass crack of dawn and driving back home from Knoxville. Who needs sleep when you can be driving???

And, Sweet Baby Jesus, forgive me, but if I'm hauling my ass to and from Knoxville in a span of time less than what it takes the Earth to orbit the Daymoon sun, then I'm eating meat on Friday during Lent. And I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it.

So, in case you were curious as to why or how I was eating my dinner in the buff the other night, that's why. It was just me and the wife.

And lots of sex with the bedroom door open.

Loud, raucous sex, without having to explain to anyone that we're just "exercising".

But all of that comes to an end tonight when I go to reclaim the kids from my mother- and father-in-law. Along with the kids, I have to collect their stuff, and then I have to bring back all the shit my parents have foisted off on us.

My mom and dad went to see my kids for the first time in...a year or so...last weekend. I don't know if I've told you this or not, but my mom refuses to visit because she's batshit crazy afraid that bears will attack the car as she's traveling through the Appalachians.


Just sit back and let that one sink in for a while.

Anyway, whenever my parents go to visit my kids while they're at my wife's parents' house, they always bring a carload of shit to pawn off on me and my wife. Once, we got a napkin ring. A single. Fucking. Napkin ring. I don't remember what else we've "inherited" over the past ten years or so, but the napkin ring was pretty fucking spectacular.

So, instead of spending time ignoring my son with their grandkids, my parents bring along my niece and allow her to run the show hand over stuff to my in-laws with order to pass that shit along to me. I then get a phone call a couple of hours later telling me about how the kids have grown--no shit, they do that when you see them only once a year--and just how much taller my daughter is than my niece...despite the fact that I'm taller than my brother (not to mention far more dashingly handsome) and my daughter is almost a full year older than my niece.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Sonic's website so that I can pinpoint the location of America's Drive-In that is approximately two-and-a-half to three-hours away.


red said...

Why are those women in front of the Sonic sign sluts?

Gwen said...

Maybe your mom thought the napkin ring was a cock ring. She is batshit krazee, you know.

MJenks said...

@ red: I believe those are three women, red. And, I changed it. They might not be sluts, but they probably are delicious.

@ Gwen: Because when I had "The Talk" with my mother, she was certain to talk down any notion of "UnChristian Sex".

Which reminds me, I still need to write that post...

EmcogNEATO! said...

The good news is you had a reason to post that ass-kicking picture of Jesus being Ghostbusted.


Jeney Peney said...

I've actually heard that traveling Catholics are exempt from the 'No Meat on Friday' rule during Lent.

I could be making that up, though.

Bev said...

A week and a half of loud, raucous, kid-free sex? I'd let my kids stay with the Clampetts in exchange for that kind of freedom!

Have a safe trip.

red said...

Are you implying because they are women, they are automatically sluts? Don't make me get all femi-nazi on you, mjenks!

SkylersDad said...

Tell your mom she should be far more afraid of the banjo players than the bears.

Oh, and travel safe.

Scope said...

Those ain't bears attackin' them there cars in the mountains. Oh, the tells ya it's the bears, but we all know what it really is.


No. Worse. Baptist!

And I'm not sure what Sonic sells technically is defined as "meat".

Wynn said...

I like this passive agressive tone in this post. It suits you. Now and then of course.

Jill VT said...

Alas, it appears your parents and my in-laws are THE SAME PEOPLE. I just inherited a huge box of old, dry play dough. Super!

Sounds like your Good Friday will involve some good suffering. That should alleviate any meat-related guilt.

Happy Easter!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

It's Friday now.

Happy Meat Eating, you homo. :)

Moooooog35 said...

What is this thing you call, 'sex?'

* would have been funnier to you had I not put this on the wrong post the first time.

Wonderful said...

hahaha, i ate meat last friday on purpose because I didn't care and felt like i deserved to eat whatever i wanted.

Jay Ferris said...

Even when the kids are gone, I'm fearful of leaving the bedroom door open during sex. Let's just say that my dog steps lightly and will lick pretty much anything.

Cora said...

Oh God, my grandma used to pawn shit off on me too. I once complimented a sweater she was wearing and she instantly tore it off her own back and insisted I take it.

Ummm.... like I want to wear a Granny sweater! Sure.

I made a quarter on it in the next garage sale though. Heh heh heh. And all those stupid thimbles she gave me went for about $16 on eBay, so, y'know, there's a silver lining to the old folks giving you their crap.

A small silver lining, but still.

Mala said...

Whew... glad I'm not the only one who thought "cock ring".

Wait, are you sure that "napkin ring" didn't vibrate?

Safe journey, my friend.

Jennifer said...

I'd give nearly anything for a single night of childfree raucous sex. We share a wall with The Boy, for fuck's sake.

Pun was fully intended.

I live in Appalachia, and I've yet to see a bear; I saw more of them in Florida.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

My dad refused to drive in Quebec, which is about 4 minutes drive from Ottawa. He was afraid of the French police, which are tantamount to Appalachian bears.

Nej said...

14 hours of driving in exchange for a week of bedroom door open sex....yeah, I think you came out ahead.


My grandma ALWAYS used to pawn stuff off on me when I stopped by. She is also crazy, and currently is mad at me for some reason or another...your guess is as good as I rarely get to see her anymore. I'm going through knick knack withdrawals.

No, that's a lie...I'm really not. :-)