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Inspirational Reads

Still Powersless

April 12, 2010

My wife and I brought a friend to bed with us last night. And I'm bearing the marks of that little threesome still today.

Apparently, a spider insidiously inserted itself into the place where I lay my pretty little head to escape reality sleep. When I awoke, my neck was ringed with raised red bumps, and down my chest and over my belly were marked with the remains of whatever attack I endured during my restful hours last night.

While the bite marks don't hurt and don't itch (they are slightly irritated by the collar of both my shirt and my labcoat rubbing against them), they do carry one specific annoyance: a distinct lack of super abilities.


I'm getting a little tired of this. I've been bit at least a dozen times, and yet there's no super strength, no webs coming out of my wrist (or my ass, where spider webs should originate), no wall-scaling ability, no chitin exoskeleton, no book lung, no spidey sense. Nothing. I'm the same pudgy little fucker I was when I went to bed last night.

Unfortunately, that's not it. I've endured being blasted by X-rays, sonic waves, microwaves, intense localized magnetic fields and gamma rays, and yet all I have to show for it is a strange spot on my leg and a thumb that sometimes wiggles involuntarily. These are not exactly the sorts of things that one can hang a crime-fighting career upon.

I've even endured explosions in the lab, and yet, nothing. Fortunately, I don't even have a scar from those particular mishaps, though I am a touch gunshy when I go to put one of my reaction vials on a vortex mixer in the lab.

On the plus side, I guess, my parents haven't been gunned down in an alley after taking me to see The Mask of Zorro, nor has my home planet been destroyed, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much, right?

Still, it's enough to make a guy not believe in what you read in comic books.


onebadmamajama said...

Watch those bites carefully! A couple of years ago, I was bit in the middle of the night by a brown recluse! Apparently, a brown recluse bite doesn't hurt when first takes 8-12 hours for the pain to set in. If you are at all unsure, get to a dr for antibiotics and steroids. My bite site didn't necrotize to the point of surgery, but the first few layers of skin around it did come off and I have a gnarly scar to prove it.

Bev said...

This is why I will never live in the South. F-in' A, dude. I hate spiders. I'd be sleeping in one of those mosquito tents that they use in the jungle if I were you!

Zan said...

Ugh spiders! I hate those little fuckers! I once read somewhere that everybody has swallowed thousands of spiders while they have slept that is something to make you shudder...and gag. But I agree with wouldn't hurt to start taking antibiotics!

Mala said...

Agh! I assume the little effer could have just scampered away, but instead, decided to repeatedly bite you. And that's why I would not shed a tear if those little bastards some how found themselves extinct.

OBMJ and Zan will now have me twitching for the rest of the day.

Eric said...

It's irrational, but I'd rather be holding a live diamondback rattle snake in my hand than have a couple of black widows scampering up the back of my neck.

There's also the semi-clear yellow one that's poisonous in the US besides the fiddleback and widow.

mo.stoneskin said...

Dude I'm ashamed to admit it but I scream like a girl when faced with a spider.

I'm actually a bit grouchy after this post as I've already had a bad week. Spiderwise.

Two days ago there was a giant monster of a spider in our bedroom right in the corner, of the ceiling. I had to squash the bastard and then scrape the remains off the ceiling.

Yesterday my little daughter was scatching away at her nose, clearly bothered by something and we spotted something THAT WASN'T SNOT peeking out.

Yep. You guessed it. A spider's leg. Grossest thing I have dealt with in a long long time.

Wynn said...

Oh god oh god oh god, I would never sleep in that room again if I was bitten a bajillion times in my sleep. Bf's getting mosquito nets RIGHT NOW, no time to wait for them to be lured into the warm comfort of his house. I already have my window prepped. Fuckers.

And sorry about your lack of super powers, maybe you need to try a little harder.

Scope said...

You didnt' get supre powers. I didn't get super powers after the "Chicken Of Death" incident, either. I think we need to talk to one, "Stan the Man" and see what's what's.

SkylersDad said...

With my luck I wouldn't ever get bit by a radioactive spider, or any cool insect. I would get bit by a dung beetle.

Jill VT said...

I suspect you have another threesome story or two. Where all parties have just two legs.

Just surmising.

That Baldy Fella said...

Have you tried being bombarded by cosmic radiation during an experimental test flight? Worth a shot.

MJenks said...

@ OBMJ: Really? I'd heard that recluse bites hurt like you wouldn't believe. And, fortunately, the bites have gone down and aren't as puffy nor slightly irritating. However, that necrosis thing would have been a serious issue, seeing as how most of the bites were on my throat. Eeek.

@ Bev: The mosquito net thing does sound like a good idea. Except then I might not have as much access to the fan to blow over my corpulent pile of flesh at night.

@ Zan: I hate them, too. BUT, take heart! I've heard that the swallowing spiders thing is a myth, originated to see how quickly myths and rumors could be spread by the internet.

@ Mala: The only thing that keeps me from agreeing with you is that they help keep the bug population down. If they go extinct, we'd have to have more snakes around. And then hell truly would break loose.

@ Eric: Yeah, I dunno. Black widows have to be enticed to bite, but the snake's a snake.

Fortunately, in North By God Carolina, we only have the recluse and the black widow.

@ mo: *stares in horror*

I wish I could capture the amount of sheer terror that your comment inspired in me, but words can't do it justice. Suffice it to say, you mentally reduced me to a quivering mass of jelly, balled up on the floor, rocking back and forth, crying and repeating "spiders in the nose....spiders in the nose" over and over again.

@ Wynn: Strangely, I'm not creeped out by the notion of a spider climbing all over my body biting me repeatedly. More annoyed than creeped. I'm just odd like that, I guess.

@ Scope: I'm thinking we could bring a lawsuit of some kind against him. Help us through our "mental anguish" over not being able to climb walls or smash or see through women's clothing or whatever powers we want.

@ SkyDad: "Behold, my awesome power to produce an enormous ball of shit and roll it over my foes! Tremble before me!"

@ Jill VT: Sadly, no.

Unless you count having sex with my room mate asleep in the top bunk as "a threesome".


@ Baldy: I actually took out a line about canceling my trip to the van Allen belt, but thought that might be a bit too much and no one would get it.

Curse my poor decision-making abilities.

Nej said...

I hate spiders...they give me the willies in a serious way...but Mot, on the other hand, puts on his Mr. Biology hat and loves the little sh*ts.

He puts grasshoppers into their webs when he sees them outside.

He argues when I try to impose my "you can go anywhere you want, but not into my house, and if I find you in my house I'll smash you on the wall, then leave you there as a warning to others" methods.