Follow by Email

Inspirational Reads

Shut the Hell Up Already!

April 27, 2010

This is probably my least favorite time of the year. I'm not talking about the thin layer of yellow pollen that covers everything in the spring, nor am I speaking of the fact that I have to mow my lawn again--honestly, I think I'm beginning to develop a Hankhillian relationship with my lawn. Heh. Lawn care.

No, it's not that I don't appreciate spring at all; there are a lot of aspects about spring that I really, really like! For instance, fewer college chicks wearing sweaters and long pants at Target. And the fact that the corner where my computer desk sits isn't fucking freezing every night when I sit down to check out fruitstompingvixens.net work on my latest manuscript or play a video game or stalk you all on Facebook read your latest words of wisdom on certain social networking sites.

But, this time of year is madness. The weather has some serious bi-polar issues, and it leaves me decidedly unamused. Oh sure, it's 80 degrees during the day, sunny, pleasant, warm. But then it plunges into some sort of subarctic freeze at night. It's too warm to put on pajamas to sleep when I go to bed, but during the night I'm clinging to the side of my wife, siphoning off any spare heat she can afford, and thinking "if I get up to close the window, it won't be as cold in here, but I might freeze solid on the way to the sash..." I won't even go into the phenomenon I refer to as "perma-turtle".

And while this might be nice when those aforementioned college chicks who are no longer wearing sweaters and long pants when they get caught in the evening temperature swoon, thus causing their--*ahem*--"headlights to come on", I don't appreciate the bone-shaking shivering cold that creeps into the bedroom at night. Naturally, this chill is exacerbated by the fan that I must have blowing over me at all times while I'm trying to sleep. I can do cold, I can do stuffy, but I can't do cold and stuffy!

However, the worst part of this time of year is the early morning cacophony that rousts me from my slumber long before the soul-piercing beeping of my alarm clock is set to awaken me. Yes, those horny little feathered fuckers are the bane of my predawn hours.

I might have mentioned it before, but I essentially live in the woods. My house is surrounding on two sides by a pretty solid swath of vegetation, and on the left of my neighbor's house, there's also a pretty good amount of trees and forest. It's a bird's paradise, and they love to proclaim their love for the woody world around them at the top of their highly-efficient little lungs. Cardinals, mockingbirds, robins, chickadees, titmice, sapsuckers and some little fucker that says "twEET TWeet chirp chirp chirp" conspire against me in those hours of the false dawn.

The worst, though, is the fucking red-shouldered hawk. Ever hear one of these things? You know how a red-tailed hawk has a high, keening wail? A red-shouldered hawk has a call that is a mixture of a klaxon going off and a puppy being curb-stomped. And they never shut the fuck up. I totally understand why Tripp Isenhour pelted one with golf balls to get it to shut the hell up.

So, there I lie, in my bed, teeth chattering, trembling, freezing to death, exhausted to the point of tears, with a myriad of feathered menaces flitting from one branch to another, screaming to one another about their territory, their sex life, and how nice it will be to see the sun in several hours.

It's enough to make a guy want to close the window.

15 comments:

carissa said...

You sound the way I did last weekend when I was at my mom's house.. Only her house is cold because she is crazy and has the air on, and the bird noises that keep me awake are the sounds of her cockatoo. Worst sound ever.

Travis said...

You dickhead.

There is not fruitstompingvixens.net.

I guess I should feel the worst about even trying it...

SkylersDad said...

Mmmmm, headlights...

OK, I'm back! Great post...


Mmmm, headlights...

Oops, lost me again.

Ed said...

Dude.

I love this time of year, and especially the Sundresses that it brings, like that yellow number right there.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Here in Canada we love the annual unveiling of the women that takes place this time of year. It's like watching the geese return as a sign of spring.

I actually hired a lawn service a few years ago and it was the best move I ever made. I love having a front and back lawn but have no interest in maintaining it myself. I worked on a golf course as a teen so that was enough lawn care for a lifetime. Now with a team to care for my lawn I can really enjoy the summer.

I refuse to close the window too when I sleep. Cold is the price I am willing to pay for the positive effect it has on my sleep.

Good post.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Here in Canada we love the annual unveiling of the women that takes place this time of year. It's like watching the geese return as a sign of spring.

I actually hired a lawn service a few years ago and it was the best move I ever made. I love having a front and back lawn but have no interest in maintaining it myself. I worked on a golf course as a teen so that was enough lawn care for a lifetime. Now with a team to care for my lawn I can really enjoy the summer.

I refuse to close the window too when I sleep. Cold is the price I am willing to pay for the positive effect it has on my sleep.

Good post.

Nej said...

I left for lunch today, and as I'm walking to my car I was wishing that I'd grabbed a jacket. By the time I was on my way back (45 minutes later) I was contemplating turning on the a/c in my car.

Friggin' bipolar weather. :-) :-) :-)

Wynn said...

Spring brings light, an increasingly warm sun and we can sit outside eating ice cream without freezing our respectables off. I actually love this time of the year because it's all hope-infusing of the coming summer (and this year is MUST be awesome!*), that nontheless usually turns to shit around these parts of the world.

Oh, and because we have houses that are adapted for sucking -in- heat and retaining it for the bajillion months of winter, these are the last weeks you get to sleep properly before summers comes.

Ah, spring.

*Never is.

Scope said...

Does the Ms. "appreciate the bone-shaking shivering cold creep in her bedroom at night"?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Remember that post you wrote about your mom that one time? With the scary alley? Still keeps me up at night.

Hi.

mo.stoneskin said...

If my daughter didn't wake me up SO DAMN EARLY those feathered rogues would get a chance to be the bane of my predawn hours.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

In the fall, we get crickets right outside our bedroom window and everytime I try to sleep I end up wanting to kill myself with a dull razor.

Because it would be more fun than listening to the sound that those crickets make.

That's my least favorite time of year. Just so you know.

kate said...

The easy solution to this is to get a dog who has a body temperature of roughly 3,000 degrees - like we have! Awesome in the wee-morning hours when our house decides to feel like an igloo with the AC on...however, I'll probably want to kill him once we get into the thick of 100 degree/humid Kansas summers...

LiLu said...

Sounds of the woods totally freak me out. Give me a classic firetruck or domestic dispute any day.

BeckEye said...

I don't know a lot about birds, but I have one that frequents the roof outside my window that makes the most horrible noise. I can't even describe it. I haven't heard it in a while though, so I guess I won't have to come up with a master murder plan.