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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Vol. LXV

April 9, 2010

So, the other day, when I wrote my plaintive wail about being sad and shit, I really was planning taking a few days off to collect my thoughts, set my head straight, and dive back into this blogging thing with renewed vigor.

Then, I learned that Lilu was hanging up the TMI Thursday shenanigans, so I felt compelled to write up yesterday's story to honor and thank her for her tireless service in the realm of bodily secretion stories. Apparently, after writing that particular piece, I have to write a Latin Lesson so that I can hide my shame when it comes to my story from yesterday.

Valuable lesson: tell a story about jerking off to your cousin's fine breasts, everyone applauds you. Get snowballed and you're a disgusting pig.

God, I love you people. Honestly. You bring a lot of joy to my life. For reals.

Have I washed the scent of sarcasm off that interjection yet? Good. Let's continue.

Anyway, the thing that sparked my desire to write a Latin lesson this morning is that, today, April 9th, is the birthday of a cultural icon in America. That's right, it's Hugh Hefner's birthday today. The alliterative master of nude girls is 84 today.

I've already given you a few stories revolving around Playboy, so I won't go into that again. Just suffice it to say that, like so many other young men in America, Playboy was the pinnacle of illicit wonder growing up. It was dirty enough to hide between the mattresses or in the bottom of your sock drawer, but it was also austere enough that you could gain a level of respect and street cred just by having a recent edition (preferably without the pages stuck together).

Nowadays, though, with the rise of the internet, we don't need the stroke books as much. We can turn to the nebulous ether that is the internet for those few times--not often, but sometimes--when you like the idea of a chick with a horse.

It's a line from Chasing Amy. Don't get your panties in a knot. I'm using it for effect.

Anyway, we're here to celebrate Hugh and his timeless, withered ability to land a new hot blonde chick every few years. Let us raise our glasses and salute the master of the centerfold:

O Senex immunde, quomodo te amo!

Pronounced: "O Sen-ex im-myoon-day, kwoh-moh-doh tay ah-moh!"

Celebratory translation in the hovertext!

And, when the candles are blown out and the cake has been cut and served and the dancing starts back up and we've gorged ourselves on ice cream, we can ask him this:

Habesne aliquas puellas subsecivas cum capillo flavo tum me commodares?

Pronounced: "Hob-ays-nay all-ee-kwahs poo-ay-loss soob-say-kee-wahs coom cah-pee-loh flah-woe toom may coh-moh-darr-ace?"

Licentious translation in the hovertext

So, thanks again to everyone who offered up some kind words to me on Wednesday. I was in a deep, deep funk. I think I've recovered some from it. All the ass-grabbing and shoulder-punching helped out tremendously.

Although, a few of Hugh's cast offs would also probably help to ease the pain...

Just sayin'.


Bev said...

Well, I like you despite (or because of?) the fact that you're a disgusting pig, so that has to count for something right?

Glad you're feeling better, Jenksy. You know I love Playboy!

Onward & upward.

Wynn said...

Hey I truly don't think you're a disgusting pig, wtf if we girls are "expected" to have it in our mouths and actually get that shit down because spitting is "soooo unattractive", why shouldn't a dude try it sometime? And it is NOT comparable against "well you came, and I didn't stop because of that" because girls (mostly) don't SQUIRT out something in high speed down your throat. End of story. Man up, men! FFS.

Gosh. This neverending self-homophobia. It's unattractive.

End of rant. Sorry. Had to.

I e-like you Mjenks! Keep up the good work!

red said...

There will always be e-Blonds to cheer you up, sir. Never fear!

Soda and Candy said...

Ugh, Hefner just squicks me out. I think I might have appreciated 60's Hef, but the current model? Just... no.

mo.stoneskin said...

So one day you write about all things jacking. Then you give a latin lesson. You expect me to take you seriously? I don't think you know Latin at all.

But you're feeling a bit better and less waily?!

EmcogNEATO! said...

Even if it wasn't a line from Chasing Amy, I'd laugh. In fact, you didn't need the disclaimer that followed! :)

Gwen said...

Is it Porn Week over here? I'm not complaining, I just need to know if I should bust out those shoes I borrowed from a stripper and never returned.

SkylersDad said...

I just want all the other commentors to know that I only come over here for the articles.

For real.

Scope said...

I'm not sure about blondes, but it looks like Hef has a few brunettes that need culled from the heard up there.

MJenks said...

@ Bev: Well, thanks. I'm glad my porcine habits aren't enough to turn you off, Bev-arino.

And, I like the Playboys, too. But, you knew that, too.

@ Wynn: Thanks. I guess I should have fired off my load into a squirt gun so that I could experience what the ladies have to endure, right?

I think I just went somewhere dark enough and disturbing enough to bother even me...

@ red: True, but you know I prefer a ruddier lot when it comes to nekkid ladies.

@ S&C: What, the Cryptkeeper doesn't turn you on? Yeah, Hef hasn't aged well, but then he's also pushing 90, so...

@ mo: True enough, I don't know Latin as well as I'd like to. But, I'm getting better. I'll finish unit II tonight and then it's just repetition and practice.

But, yes, you don't need to take me seriously.

And, yes, slightly less waily and moany. Thanks for asking.

@ Emcog: Thanks. But, I just wanted to clarify for anyone reading that I'm not really into horse porn. Catherine the Great can keep it.

@ Gwen: When isn't it Porn Week around here?

But, um, get the shoes...

@ SkyDad: one of the finest comments I've had on here in a couple of months. I celebrate and congratulate you.

@ Scope: True, this was one of the safer, non Girls Next Door pictures that I felt I could post.

I'd cull those babies from the herd in a heartbeat.

Nej said...

@ SkylersDad - (applause) !!!!!