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Inspirational Reads

Friday Morning Latin Lesson, Vol. LVIII

February 12, 2010

Fear gripped me.

I knew it was behind me somewhere, but I dared not turn to look, lest it catch me. I could sense more than hear or feel its presence, a shadowy, malignant darkness loping through the shadows behind me. It was getting closer.

What had begun as an evening walk down near the mill turned suddenly terrifying. I know not when it happened, only that, suddenly, looming ahead of me, a giant, hulking creature that was more monster than man appeared. In the wan light of the moon, I saw it unfold itself from the shadows on the bridge before me, like a flag being unfurled in the wind. Piercing red eyes caught me in their diabolic gaze, held me transfixed as my own eyes widened, my heart raced, and my stomach dropped. An overwhelming fear held me as it stood, taller than a man erect, unsheathing talon-like claws from its pumpkin-sized fists. I wanted to scream my terror, but no sound would come from a throat that had been forced closed by pure, unadulterated dread. My mouth pulled back in a silent rictus of fear and terror. Tears came unbidden to my eyes.

I was going to die. This beast would be my end. I knew this.

But I did not accept it readily.

It lunged forward, slavering jaws snapping at me as it came. Somehow, through the fear-induced stupor, I was able to throw myself aside. As I rolled in the dirt at the side of the path, I felt a rock under my ribcage. I grabbed it, and, as the beast came at me again, I heaved it. It uttered some sort of cry that was half yelp, half whimper, confirming that the missile had found its target. For a second, the beast stood at the edge of the road dazed; I took my chance to escape.

Running, I did not care in which direction, I fled the scene. I willed my legs to cover longer distances with each stride. I somehow found myself in the trees to the south of the road, the mountains in the distance disappearing as I sought some shelter in the darkness beneath the boughs. Enough moonlight filtered through the canopy that I could pick my way quickly through the glades and up and over hills.

I heard the beast howl once, a lonely, plaintive cry filled with animal desire. A second cry erased the loneliness of the beast, and told me that it meant to hunt me. It meant to kill me. The rock was only a delay of the inevitable. All this was conveyed on the single note as it rolled over the hills and through the trees.

If another heard it, I knew not. I was running for my life, too terrified to look for another, too filled with dread to call for help lest it attract my pursuant's attention.

Fear gripped me. I knew it was behind me somewhere, but I dared not turn to look, lest it catch me. I could sense more than hear or feel its presence, a shadowy, malignant darkness loping through the shadows behind me. It was getting closer.

Suddenly, a root caught my boot, and I pitched forward. Laying in the loam, I panted, trying to catch my breath. The adrenaline had drained from my body when I tumbled to the earth, and, though I tried, I could not push myself to my feet. I vainly attempted crawling away, hoping that my emotions would organize and arrange themselves, allowing me to flee once again, but it was hopeless. My legs would barely move, and my arms held no strength. I lay there, vulnerable, awaiting my fate.

The beast suddenly burst up the side of the hill. Seeing me, it instantly appeared at my feet. I rolled over onto the my back so that I could at least see my fate falling upon me. The monster stood over me, it's malicious, burning eyes boring holes into my soul. I felt my heart quail. It seemed as if all the emotion drained out of my body. Even if I could have run, I would not have had the heart.

The beast rocked its head back to howl once more when it was suddenly silenced. Another form had entered the clearing. This one was smaller, lither. A hood was pulled up over the figure's face and the rest of its body was concealed within the long, billowing folds of a cloak as black as the shadows around us. From beneath the bottom hem of the garment, I could see black leather boots, but I could not deduce the person's identity.

Forgetting me entirely, the monster lunged toward the new arrival with a fierce growl, but the person was too quick. It flowed out of the way of the beast's attack rather than dodged. When the monster came again, the figure held its ground, blocking the monster's swipes with with its forearms. The creature's deadly talons were rendered useless as the figure anticipated the monster's every move. The mysterious arrival placed a well-timed boot in the middle of the monster's chest, sending the creature sprawling. The figure grabbed a fallen branch and brought the bough down across the beast's shoulders. Again, the creature cried out.

Reaching out, it grabbed its attacker by the ankle and upended the fighter. The figure quickly regained control, but the monster was back on its feet and coming at the new arrival. For a second, the shadowy black form seemed dazed, and I tried to yell, but the monster quickly grabbed the figure by the throat and slammed it against a tree. The hood fell away and the cloak flew open, such was the force of the attack, and I could see for the first time that my defender was a woman. She was pinned against the tree, the monster's enormous, hairy paw wrapped around her throat and pressing her against the scaly wood of the trunk.

The monster roared in her face, spittle and blood flecking its lips and her cheeks. It was a cry of victory, as if this was not the first battle the two had shared, and now the beast was fully enjoying his triumph over an old adversary. The monster held its head as if it awaited a response from the woman pinned against the tree's trunk.

Her lips turned into a wry smile. "So predictable," she cooed at the beast. It might have slackened its hold just a bit at her words. "Your kind always forget to pin my arms."

In the pale light of the moon, I saw two long, thin spikes glimmer silvery as she produced them from the folds of her cloak. With a lightning quick, violent motion, she slammed the points of the blades into the monster's throat. Black blood welled from the wound, spurting in great gouts over her face and the bark of the tree. The monster dropped her, its own form falling to the ground, its great hands clawing at the silvery weapons sticking from the side of its neck. As it struggled, its lifeblood continued to run freely from the wound. The creature's wheezing, choking cries confirmed that it was, in fact dying, and a few seconds later, it slowed its movements. Finally, it shuddered its last, and then lay still and silent.

The woman stood over the monster's corpse, watching with an impassive eye as the beast bled to death. She wiped absently at the trail of blood the wound had thrown on her face. I knew then that I had been saved by the legendary Erin Oliverosetree--Lady Erin of Humphrey, Erin the Slayer, Erin of the Silver Needles, Erin Demonsbane--and I was awed by her mere presence. I struggled to push myself into a sitting position. The movement attracted her attention.

"Are you unhurt?" she asked me, her cool eyes falling on my frame for perhaps the first time. My heart rattled within my chest. I nodded dumbly. I could no more summon words to speak to her than I could have forced myself to flee from the beast after I had fallen.

"Good," she said, her words carrying a mysterious, exotic accent. "You should return to your home. There will be more of them this night." She bent and retrieved her famous--notorious!--silver needles from the beast's throat. She wiped the black blood from them on the monster's chest. "They always like to run with the full moon's light." As if to punctuate her words, another threatening howl echoed over the hills. Erin Oliverosetree's face snapped up, her attention riveted on that distant howl. "I must be off," she said, without looking to me.

"Wait," I said, finally finding my voice again. "How...how did you manage to best that thing?" I asked. I was ashamed immediately. Her prowess with slaying demons and monsters was renowned. My words were foolish.

She paused, turning to look at me with a bemused smile upon her lips. She spun her silvery needles around her palm and then slammed them into a scabbard on her hip. With a wink, she said:

Texo, ergo sum.


Find out what Erin Oliverosetree said to me that night in the hovertext!


With that, she was gone, disappearing into the shadows as quickly and quietly as she had arrived.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~


Sitting back, I pulled a long drag through the carved stem of my pipe. The fire of the inn's hearth warming my old bones. Letting the smoke slowly pass over my lips, I smiled.

"And that, lads, is the story of the night Erin the Slayer saved my life."

They hay and haw and call and accuse me of being a liar. I laugh and I wink at them as the party breaks apart and the men and boys go back to their individual tables, some to discuss the tale I told, some to accuse me of being soft in the head, some to discuss events happening outside the walls of the old inn.

But I know, every time I tell the tale, I am only able to due to the bravery of Erin Oliverosetree and her magnificent, silver knitting needles.

pronounced "Takes-oh, air-goh soom."

Meeting Inspiration

February 10, 2010

A quick chemistry lesson:

This little guy is a benzene.



This one is called a tetrahydropyran.


If you take a benzene and a tetrahydropyran and fuse them together, you get a chromane (pronounced "crow-man").


If you oxidize the chromane, you get a chromanone ("crow-man-own").



If you draw primitive art on the wall of a cave around it, it's a Cro Magnon.



Chemistry and archaeology jokes: two great tastes that taste great together!

Totally Blowing Stuff Up Tuesdays: The Bad Decision

February 9, 2010

I'm not really here today. I'll be in a conference room all day, doing the quarterly meeting thang. Damn, I am so street. In my stead, I am offering you a video that will hopefully excite and titillate. Or at least satisfy your need for wanton pain and destruction that I normally offer up on a Tuesday.

So...most Tuesdays, I try to bring the glorious celebration of entropy that only an explosion can provide. Today, I'm going outside of the explosive box for a moment...but only because this shit is really funny.

I guess I should call it "Totally Setting Stuff on Fire Tuesday" or maybe "Totally Doing Something Stupid to Your Crotch Tuesday", but it just doesn't have the same feel.

Okay, well, here's the video:



Okay, so, what this dunderhead was trying to do was a neat little trick that you can pull to impress your friends. If you take some low-burning solvent--ethanol, acetone, ether--and douse your clothing in it, you can actually light the solvent on fire without catching the fabric--or yourself--on fire.

Seriously, don't do this at home.

The trick is that, since the alcohol burns at a much lower temperature than does cotton or flesh, you'll get this neat little dancing flame over your jeans or socks or what have you (your hand, if you're really brave and/or a charlatan attempting to hoax a bunch of uneducated medieval peasants). The fire will burn itself out and, since the fire isn't burning hot enough to catch the pants on fire, you should be in the clear.

Seriously, don't even attempt this on your own. Especially not when you're drunk.

What Captain Braintrust up above tried to do was show off for his friends. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that gasoline burns at something like 470-560 degrees C. Cotton's ignition temperature is 450 degrees C (and, of course, paper's is Fahrenheit 451...) The ignition temperature of ethanol is 426 degrees C...so you can see, it still burns pretty hot, but not hot enough to catch the fabric on fire. However, it will still make you nice and toasty and/or singe off your naughty bits.

That's why I'm telling you not to try this at home.

However, if you want to charm the pants off your ladyfriend, you can try showing her that you have "money to burn"...



Wow. That flaming hand trick was pretty cool. But, like the film's producer, I wouldn't recommend it.

Otherwise, someone might have to stomp out your nuts.

Memoir Monday: Tequila

February 8, 2010



I know some of you have seen this picture several times before. I've used it on forums boards for my avatar, I've used it on social sites, I've even thrown it around just for shits and giggles.

This picture was taken in grad school, during my first semester, before I had entered a lab to do my research, and before I had even met my wife. In those halcyon days before my life was dominated by "research" and "reaction mechanisms" and "14 hour days" and "chemistry 24 hours a day" and "fevered dreams of cyclopropanes and benzene rings", and even before an angry God or panoply of angered deities saddled me with a powerful allergy to hops, I was able to drink.

And, boy, did I.

However, in all that time, I hadn't really "experimented" with alcohol. I knew what was out there, and I knew what I liked (and that vodka did not like me). I knew the slow burn of scotch as it crawled down my gullet, I knew the fiery burn of Jameson, and the slow warming of bourbon.

And before you go all smartass on me, I know that they're all types of whisk(e)y.

I like whisk(e)y. Which is why it was my sipping liquor of choice.

Rum, however, was my "get drunk and hit on my undergrad students" liquor of choice.

I had, however, managed to avoid the creature known as "tequila". I knew of tequila, but had never imbibed. Mostly because my friend, the guy who woke me up shaking the bed when we roomed together in college, got drunk off tequila once. I remember it distinctly.

*ring*ring* went my telephone.

Whoever could this be? I thought, idly picking up the phone.

"Lock up yer daughters and sisters and wives, lubbers, 'cause Captain Rummy is coming ashore!" drunkenly drawled screamed a crude imitation of a pirate's brogue into my ear.

"[name redacted], is that you?" I asked, innocent as a schoolboy.

"There is no [name redacted]; there is only Captain Rummy, and he's comin' ashore, lubber!"

And then the phone disconnected.

"[name redacted]? [name redacted], are you still there?" I asked into the phone.

The response I got was the front door to the dorm (I lived one room away from it) flying open and smashing against the brick facade of the building.

"Captain Rummy, has boarded yer vessel!" I heard, bellowed in the hall. "Avast ye, and say yer prayers!" And, still holding the phone to my ear, I looked out in the hallway as my former room mate went tearing down the hall, screaming about how Captain Rummy was here, and he was there was rapin' and pillagin' to be done. Curious, I stepped out into the hallway for a better look, and all I saw was the north end of a south-bound former room mate. I saw him go around the corner, at full tilt, and I heard the back door of the dorm fly open, bang, and then slowly shut.


And silence.

This, my friends, was the result of tequila. Or so it was revealed to me later. And, if tequila could lambaste a hardened drunk like my former room mate in such a manner, then it was not something I wanted to mess around with.

"Try it," insisted my Bulgarian friend, while I was hanging out in his apartment on campus at Notre Dame. "It's a very good drink, baby. I'm sure you'll like it." He offered me the shot glass filled with the clear, slightly green beverage.

"Just make sure Captain Rummy doesn't go looking for some rapin' and pillagin'," I said. And then I took the shot.

Holy wow. It burnt, it cleared my sinuses, but damn, I didn't feel even slightly drunk--you know, that feeling like you just threw down a bunch of alcohol? Yeah, I didn't have that sensation at all.

"Would you like a margarita, baby?" my Bulgarian friend asked.

"Set me up, baby," I said. So he did.

And he did again.

And then again.

Let me take a moment here to pause and encourage you that, if you ever get the chance to drink a margarita made by a Bulgarian, go for it. They like to put a lot of alcohol into their drinks.

So it was with these margaritas. Aside from the shot, I think I had three, maybe four margaritas, with at least one more shot thrown in, to boot. Tequila and I were getting along famously. I was snuggling down in her bosom and getting comfortable. It was so warm and muzzy in there, and her breasts were so pillowy soft and full of alcohol.

Unfortunately, while I was getting sleepy, I was also getting hungry.

Fortunately, Dr. Assy had a bucket of cheeseballs sitting in the living room (he shared an apartment with my Bulgarian friend), so I grabbed the bucket, tore the lid off, slid my hand in to feast myself. After the initial couple of handfuls, I slipped my hand back in there, and then I succumbed to the warm, pillowy bosom of tequila.

My friends, who love me oh so much, decided it was picture time. And, honestly, I can't blame them. Plus, I'll always have this lasting memento of the night I first encountered tequila.

Well, to go along with the cirrhosis, that is.


Memoir Monday is a wholly-owned subsidiary of I Like to Fish... and as such is the brainchild of Travis. I would have used the bookish button that he normally furnishes to go along with Memoir Monday, but as he claims that today he will be showcasing a new button to the blogging world, I'm just writing up this somewhat parodical disclaimer with inclusive links so that he won't sue me. The stories therein cannot be rebroadcast, retransmitted, or announced without the express, written consent of Major League Baseball."

Writer's Amnesia Sucks

February 7, 2010

I've been kind of stuck on the writing thing lately. I put it aside because I had a case of writer's...ennui? Everything I would write I didn't like; it sounded childish and bland, and if I'm going to write a book, goddammit, every word is going to fit together. I realize that I should just toughen up and push through it (I've had these fits in the past), and that just pushing through helps.

But then I did the blog move and relaunch thing, and that just sort of slowed me down more. I had a convenient excuse, right? Right. We'll leave it at that.

But, I'm on the very cusp of getting into the meat of a good Greek legend: fighting monsters, chatting things up with Gods, rescuing and the subsequent bedding of maidens. This should be exciting times for our young hero and the guy who is guiding him around the Ancient World, right? Right!

And yet, I'm still trying my best to just churn along.

That's when I was hit with some brilliance the other night. The muse (or muses) opened my eyes on a very brilliant turn of phrase that would help propel my hero forward, all but blindly accepting the impossible task, and really putting the hook in the story that I've been seeking for some time.

Unfortunately, my muse apparently only comes around after midnight. I kind of feel like that Offspring song. I may be dumb and all, but I'm tired of my muse playing me for a sucker with low self-esteem.

Damn, she knows me too well.

Anyway, inspiration struck after I had tucked myself into bed. Usually, I spend a good thirty minutes either staring off into the dark or staring at the one glowing green star on the ceiling above me, pondering the ways and wonders of the world--this one and any world included in the book I'm reading and/or writing. As it was, I was staring in the direction of the wall that my bedroom shares with the bathroom, when this brilliant turn of phrase hit me.

"Fuck me, that's brilliant!" echoed inside my skull--there's lots of room in there for ample rebounding of sounds. "Oh, how will I remember that? I should write it down!"

Then I decided that it was too much work to find the pen and paper. Plus, I didn't want to bother with turning on the light. I, uh, didn't want to disturb my wife. Built in excuse, right? Right!

"I'll commit it to memory!" I said rather than do the smart thing. "I'll remember it in the morning!"

Surprisingly, I managed to remember it in the morning. And throughout the day. All that time, surrounded by many sheets of paper and writing utensils, and I did not write down my idea. Hell, why would I? I've remembered it this far.

Then, last night, when I was coming upon the scene where I could use that which the muse had gifted me with...I completely forgot it. I remember it had something to do with the hero's mother...and that's about it. It was enough to piss him off sufficiently that he'd let his emotions get the better of him (he's pretty even-keeled, despite his inner emotional turmoil...you know, like he's Greek or something...), but I cannot remember exactly what I wanted to say. Curses!

Despite my best effots and good intentions to remember what it was I had dreamed up, I've been struck with a powerful case of Writer's Amnesia: I had a good idea, but I forgot it. I'm still plodding forward, though I don't remember what it is I wanted to write, no matter how hard I wrack my brains.


*sigh* The muse giveth and the muse taketh away, I suppose.


31615 / 100000 words. 32% done!