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More God Awful Announcing

January 11, 2008

I pretty much crucify the local sports talk media for their stances on anything and everything, pretty much because I like taking them to task for being complete and insufferable morons and/or asshats. This past 24 hours has been no exception.

A little update here. We recently got a "new" sportstalk radio on the FM dial, 99.9 the Fan, and their ads were pretty funny. Basically, one of them was "Sportstalk you can hear...at night." It reminded me of a Spongebob episode, and that always makes me giggle. Ah, the Hash-Slinging Slasher. Anyway, the AM stations constantly sputter and spew fuzzy whines, interference, and Spanish all day. It gets worse at sunset. With an ad campaing that pretty much pointed out the shortcomings of the other two radio stations, I thought I might give this one a whirl.

Big. Effing. Mistake.

It is nearly unlistenable. They have some washed-up has-beens (read: super stars for their respective teams) that they culled from the local college teams. Most of it, though, is pandering to the NC State crowd, and of the three colleges down here, I can't stomach State the most. Their fanbase is as rabid as something such as West Virginia or Alabama (football) or Illinois or Kansas (basketball), but without any of the results. Actually, I take that back. West Effing Virginia's fans stay the whole game, and Illinois and Kansas sell out their home stadiums. I was actually about to compare NC State to Purdue...but that'd be an insult to the Boilermakers (I am currently on a kind streak in respect to Purdue, because a kid who went to my high school plays for them). Basically, NC State is like a kitten that yowls and hisses at you: it's loud and annoying, but menacing enough that you're not afraid to punt it across the driveway.

So, this sets the stage for yesterday. Everyone around here has a titty hard on for the N.C. State/UNC matchup this weekend, and they were debating who is going to win the game tomorrow (this is almost like debating who would win a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a corpse). For one, they allow this guy to call in and make his point:

"N.C. State is going to win because we have more players who can play and score. We've got [Brandon] Costner, [Courtney] Fells, [Ben] McCauley, J.J. [Hickson] and Gavin [Grant]. We might be a little light at point guard, but all Carolina has are three players: [Ty] Lawson, [Tyler] Hansbrough (pronounced 'Hansboro' by the mental giant on the phone) and [Wayne] Ellington." That was his point.

First of all, Fells is out.
Second, you just scored 54 points against D-1 newcomer N.C. Central. At home. Your home.
Third, you just beat D-1 newcomer Presbyterian 50-43. At home. Your home.
Fourth, if Jesus Christ played point guard for your team, none of these other players would be star-caliber.
Fifth, oh yeah, UNC only has Hansbrough, Lawson and Ellington. Only. Oh yeah, and Danny Green. And Quentin Thomas. And Deon Thompson. They're just such a thin, untalented team. Ranked number one in the country.

It wasn't so much that this moron called in to make his "point". It's that the N.C. State homer host was like, "Yeah, he's right! He makes a good point!" And it wasn't just that. He continued on. The big thing that's going to affect Carolina? They're playing at noon. Carolina usually plays later in the day, and this earlier tip time will play right into the Pack's hands. Jesus.

The thing that made me dismiss him altogether, though, was the claim that UNC and NC State are the top rivals in the ACC. Huh? What? I'm sorry, if memory serves, there's this other team whose campus is closer to UNC's which actually fields a basketball team. What was the name? The coach has a really long, messed up, difficult-to-spell Polish last name. You know, sounds like an English noble's title. Baron? Earl? Something like that.

Ugh.

And then this morning, on one of the AM stations, I heard a guy trying to prove just how good Memphis is by using algebra. That's right. You see, Memphis beat East Carolina who beat N.C. State who beat Villanova who beat Pittsburgh who beat Duke. So, Memphis would beat Duke. Yes, Memphis probably would beat Duke, just based on talent alone. But, to try and compare the two by using a string of less talented teams is simply ludicrous.

By that logic, Indiana beat UNC-Wilmington who beat East Carolina who beat George Mason who beat Dayton who beat Pitt who beat Duke who beat Marquette who beat Wisconsin who beat Texas who beat Michigan State. Simple as that. Give Indiana the Big Ten crown right now. Right? Right?

I'm sure there'll be even more dandies. I didn't even get into the end of the college football season where David Glenn gave his daily moronic statement about how the ACC was an up-and-coming league, all because the offensive coordinator for Clemson decided not to leave his current post for the same post at Tennessee. Because, you know, that speaks well for the league when an offesive coordinator doesn't leave for a more recognizable school. Or it could mean that the defenses in the ACC are so feeble, the OC only has to mail it in when scheming up offensive schemes. Brilliant deduction, smackass.

I'll be sure to keep you all informed.

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