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Inspirational Reads

All I Want for Christmas

December 15, 2010

Is for you to shut the fuck up.

I like Christmas music. I honestly, actually, truthfully do. I don't mind at all when a couple of the local stations fire up ye olde carols in the middle of November and don't stop until Christmas evening. I'm fine with it.

I'm not fine with the fact that the programming manager at the local station doesn't realize that more than five Christmas songs exist. Yes, I, too, love me some Trans-Siberian Carol of the Bells. I don't love it seven times an hour. I don't love Dan Fogelberg's Same Auld Lang Syne at all. Well, maybe once, but that's only to remind me how much I don't like it.

And, please, Baby It's Cold Outside is a Date Rape song, not a Christmas song. She wants to go home, and Dino slips something in her drink. She finds it hard to resist. When Dean's saying "it's cold outside", he means his dick is cold outside of his pants.

But...but...if he's singing it to Zooey Deschanel...well...I totally understand.

I just wish--my one, true holiday wish, Santa--is for these radio people to understand that there's more Christmas music than the same ten songs that they play over and over and over and over again. Dean Martin is great, when he's not drunk and/or trying to slip a little something something into baby's drink, or ass, or both. Frank Sinatra has more than just one song. And while I do enjoy the smooth jazz stylings of the Merry Christmas Charlie Brown soundtrack, it gets old. Fast. Especially when it's on repeat.

You guys ever hear of the Binger, Bing Crosby? He's like Dean Martin, except not drunk all the time and--as far as I know--doesn't try to drug some young woman into a "white Christmas" and his "holiday inn", if you know what I'm saying. If you don't, well, you need to catch up on your classic Christmas movies. Commie. Also, what the hell? Barenaked Ladies made one helluva Christmas album a few years ago, with new songs and traditional. And it's awesome. Try throwing that in every once in a while instead of another rendition of Frosty the Snowman.

The one, however, that galls me the most is Mariah Carey. *shudders visibly*

It seems every commercial break, those slow, stupid notes are picked out on a synthesized keyboard and she starts in with her bad porn moaning. I scream. I curse. I switch the channel to the other Christmas station, only to catch the ass-end of "All I Want for Christmas Is You". It's time to go Oedipus on my earholes.

I finally shut the radio off in the car the other day. I only listen to the Christmas music now when I'm driving with the kids somewhere. Otherwise, I have audiobooks that I listen to, and some of the subject material is a little...coarse...for their tender ears. That same day I stomped into the house after enduring Mariah Carey three times in the span of an hour's drive. I had had enough. My nerves were shot. My ears were bleeding. There wasn't enough alcohol in the house.

Trying to escape the merry jolliness of the holiday, I went to the kitchen to start making dinner. My kids were flipping through the stations on the television and turned to Nickelodeon. I stepped into the room for a second to ask a favor of one of them.

What should greet me, but Miranda Cosgrove singing..."All I Want for Christmas Is You". I fell to the floor in the fetal position and wept. Openly. My daughter had the kind grace to change the channel.

You know who Miranda Cosgrove is, right? She's the "star" of Nickelodeon's tween show, "iCarly". Personally, I don't watch "iCarly". The judge was pretty specific in his ruling about that. *shifty-eyed* He also said I couldn't really discuss it openly. *polite cough*

In what I assume is Nickelodeon's answer to Demi Lovato, Miranda Cosgrove also sings. Naturally, she decided it was imperative that she pollute my airwaves with another rendering of that abortion of Christmas music. And while I'm sure she's a fine singer and all, I just wish that she had chosen...well, anything else.

So, basically, all I want for Christmas is for that fucking song to die. To go away. To disappear and never be heard from again.

Like the chick that Dino slipped the mickey to shortly before realizing he had overdosed her and that someone had better help him move this fucking body else there would be hell to pay. And while you're at it, freshen his martini. It is Christmas after all.


BigSis said...

I'm with you. I don't understand how there are millions of Christmas songs, yet they replay the same ones. I would like to eliminate any songs by Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Kenny G and pretty much anyone under the age of 20.

Of course, my favorite (that I hardly ever hear) is I Want a Hippopotomus for Christmas, so clearly I have no taste. Oh, and I like the date rape song.

MJenks said...

As much as you like the song, you have to admit that the conversation isn't really Christmasy, is it?

MJenks said...

Oh, and by the way, BigSis...would you like a glass of wine? *wiggles eyebrows suggestively*

Bev said...

I make it a point to hate all things Mariah, so that song is no different. The songs I can't stand are Madonna's "Santa Baby," "Grandma got run over by a reindeer," and the goddamn fucking Chipmunk Christmas song!

Ed said...

Mmmmmm.... Zooey Deschanel.

I heard one the other day I'd never heard before. Some little kid singing about Santa getting stuck in his chimney and dying. The could still smell him a year later. Shit was crazy.

The "I want a Hippopatamus(?) for Christmas" song makes my kids laugh.

Eric said...

HOW CAN YOU BE BAD MOUTHING 'ALL I...' Oh. You are just hating on the Mariah version, not the Lisa Layne one.

And I'm just messing with you, Lisa is a friend.

Whilst perusing YouTube for the 'good' version, I did happen upon a Miley Cyrus cover at Disney of the horrible Mariah one. So yes, it can always be much much worse.

MJenks said...

@ Bev: The one good thing is that, despite being in the South, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is not played. Or, if it is, I've just managed to completely block that one out.

@ Ed: Now THAT's a Christmas song.

The singer of the Hippopotamus song misses the best use of a Hippos entirely: riding them into battle.

@ Eric: Well, the song in general, which is Mariah's fault. I won't hate on your friend.

There's a Miley Cyrus version of that song?

Kill it. Kill it with fire.

Scratch the hostile fay said...

::wanders over from someone else's blog::

I don't mind the Mariah's song too much, they don't play it too awful much. Being smack in the bible belt, however, they're OBSESSIVE about that goofy "Christmas Shoes" song. Just in case Mommy Meets Jesus Toniiiight....

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the "reason for the season" but there just ain't too much more depressing than listening to a song about a dying parent.

Unless it's that Dan Fogelburg song. That one is pretty bad, too, although I haven't heard it this year (yet).

Probably the biggest irritation here, though, is the fact that there's been a station here who's played this crap since HALLOWEEN. No, I'm not making this up.

Try not to shoot the car stereo.


Scratch the hostile fay said...


I don't know what's more impressive, that you managed to tie iCarly to curling up in a fetal position....or that you're a Tarheel who knows Latin?

(Howdy neighbor...I live near Hickory)

:::waves::: hiiiiii.

Aye (again)

SkylersDad said...

i agree wholeheartedly. There are so many great Christmas tunes, why do we get the same crap again and again. Also the thing that bothers me most about Mariah is watching her do that f-ing "conduct herself" move with her hand! I swear if given any opportunity I would reach over and snap one of those twitchy fingers off at the root.

Scope said...

May "Dominick The DOnkey" have mercy on YOUR SOUL!

I still love "THE REINDEER SONG (CAN'T WAIT FOR MORNING)" and you'll NEVER hear that on the air.

Raine said...

I hate icarley. It makes me want to punch people.
And Xmas songs, except the squirrel nut zippers Xmas album. I've already played it several times this week.