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Inspirational Reads

I Have Not Gone...

December 2, 2010

...I have simply been busy.

Well, that's not entirely true. It's not like I haven't wedged a lot of midget porn into my daily routine.

However, at home, I'm without the internets. It's a scary and daunting thing, folks, mostly because it's tougher to find midget porn without the Googles to help me. Oh, sure, I can go downtown, but the weather has turned colder and now the street performers are asking for two quarters and a bottle of Thunderbird to service a goat to the cheering approval of onlookers. That, quite frankly, is exactly two bits more than I'm willing to part with.

Of course, this being the modern era and whatnot, harumph harumph, my phone is tied into my internets, so I can't even call each and every one of you and apologize for the lack of posting and/or simply leave some heavy breathing and the occasional grunt and sigh of exaltative release in your voice mail.

What makes this doubly damning is that I had to dedicate a large part of my lunch hour to sitting on the phone being told the merits and greatness of Time Warner Cable's many options that you can't get anywhere else in the world. Oh sure, they forgot to mention "spotty coverage" and "shitty customer service" in their litany of incredible services, but whatever. Since I'm not at home, I couldn't tell the tech service man if the light was blinking on my device (nothing like vagueness in your trouble-shooting questions. Which light? Which device? No, I don't think the vibrator is supposed to light up. Why do you ask?). His advice was to go home, turn it off, turn it back on, and then call advanced customer support if this does not remedy the situation.

Which I, of course, can't do if the internet no longer works as the phone remains dead.

I apologize for any lack of...whatever it is you get from this slice of the FORTRAN pie...but, for the time being, my hands are tied. How? Together. To the bedframe. In a Gordian knot. However you like it. I just thought this blog needed more Toni Braxton pictures.


DEZMOND said...

Ah, I should've known it was you when I heard some heavy breathing and the occasional grunt and sigh of exaltative release in my voice mail.

MJenks said...

Do it once, and it's an isolated incident.

Do it twice, and it's a pattern.

Bev said...

This aggression will not stand, man!

"Turn it off, then turn it back on" was the main instruction for all of the professional broadcast equipment I once used in TV way back when. 30% of the time, it works every time.

Miss you and all of your various releases!


Scope said...

Reboot? Yes, it works a lot, but if you call customer service and you haven't tried rebooting, they should just hang up on you.

Hart Johnson said...

I really hope the internet stuff gets sorted soon! I've been there and it stinks, and I do know how you love that Midget Porn!

Elly Lou said...

My vibrator isn't supposed to light up? Have I misused the maglite again?

SkylersDad said...

I came here looking for pictures of Toni Braxton, but wound up learning how to service a goat.

*That's* customer service for you!

Wynn said...

Poor thing. A home without Internet is like a dead end street. I can't come with up the rest of that .. Ahh can't remember the word. Hope you gets teh internets soon!

Pearl said...

I have missed both you and your turn of a phrase.



Sara said...

I would die a happy woman if I got a voicemail from you breathing heavily. Rawr.

Nej said...

Our home internet is, sadly, also gone. But our cable provider is actually innocent.

It's my laptop that has taken a turn for the worse.

The laptop with all my pictures. (sigh)

Backing it up once a year might not be the best idea. Ugh! :-)