Getting All Bookified

My dear friend Amber at Musings of Amber Murphy posted a meme handed to her by..someone...and it was about reading and books. Since my name is something other than YOU, and I'm feeling saucy (saucy is what you feel when you haven't had anything resembling "near enough sleep over the past three days", right?), I thought I'd comply.

Plus, you know, she's pregnant, and we all need to be nice to pregnant ladies.

Without further ado...

What have you just read?

Earlier this morning, I finished Off the Beaten Path: Indiana, which I picked up on a whim when I was at the library two weeks ago while I was letting the house air out after committing Buggageddon. I got it mostly for obscure trivia about my home state.

I picked some up, like how it's illegal to allow monkeys to smoke in South Bend, IN. Or how there have been over 2000 recordings of "Stardust" by Hoagy Carmichael.

What are you reading now?

I'm reading Black Ships before Troy which is a translated, prose version of the Iliad. And The Ride of Our Lives by NBC newsman Michael Leonard, which is a story of how he drove his parents cross-country to see places in the U.S. they had never seen, to see some of the places of their childhood, and to be there for the birth of their first great-grandchild.

Oh, and I technically started reading Neverwhere the other night on the Nook my wife checked out from work, but I only got to read the first paragraph before she whisked me off to do something else with the device, and then I had other things to do, so I didn't get it started again.

Do you have any idea what you'll read when you're done with that?

Neverwhere sounds nice...though I might finally start Anansi Boys. However, I have a copy of The Sea, The Sea by Xenophon that I checked out from the library and a book called One for the Road by Tony Horwitz about Australia that I also borrowed from the library.

Which reminds me, I need to renew those things online this week...

What's the worst thing you've ever been forced to read?

Hmmm...tough call. I didn't read all of The Scarlet Letter or Madame Bovary in high school. Both sucked so much I had to put them down. Without a doubt, the worst thing I had to read that I actually finished was Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin when I was a freshman in college. When I finished it, I threw it across my dorm room, swearing at it as it flew.

I received a $5 fine from housekeeping for the chip of paint that fell off my closet door where the book hit.

What's one book you always recommend to just about anyone?

These days? American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Begin the mancrush in three...two...one...

And if modern fantasy isn't your cup of tea, I recommend A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.

Also, if I should ever get it published, The Boar War by moi.

Do you read books while you eat?

When I was single, I would take a book with me when I would sit down for a meal in a restaurant. On the rare occasions when I'm out eating by myself, I take a book with me. Lately, I've been buying the most recent Pearls before Swine anthologies and laughing aloud whilst trying to finish my meal.

However, I did grow up reading the sides and backs of cereal boxes at breakfast. I later graduated to the paper. Both practices have been suspended since I went to college.

While you bathe?

I tried it a couple of times, but my arms would sag and the edges of the book would dip into the water and capillary action would wick the water up into the leaves. I ruined a copy of The Two Towers that way.

Eventually, I stopped bathing (I get a rash linked to the heat of the water on my precious, delicate skin) and just took showers. Also, on those rare bath nights that I would still indulge in whilst a teen, I would bathe, soak for a bit, and end up masturbating. No time for reading in there!!!

While you watch movies or tv?

If I'm actually watching the movie or tv? Never. Sometimes I have it on in the background for some white noise and I'll glance up from time to time to see what's going on via the flickering phosphers of my television screen.

While you're on the computer?

No.

When you were little, did other children tease you about your reading habits?

Not really. They might have chided me a little over the size of the book I was currently trying to tackle, but I never got called nerd or geek or dork for that, at least.

What's the last thing you stayed up half the night reading because it was so good you couldn't put it down?

American Gods by Neil Gaiman, which is why I recommend it.

Not to say it doesn't have its flaws--or that it's everyone's cup of tea--but it's a damn good story.

Have any books made you cry?

When Theo's mom died in Tad Williams' War of the Flowers and he found that she had bought a copy of Good-Night Moon for Theo's child which had died in utero, it made me pretty sad. I may or may not have had some moist eyes during that part of the story...

This is the point where I'm supposed to tag a handful of others to do this. Since I'm not inclined to do such, feel free to fill this out on your own if you should like.

Can I Get Another Word for 'Ho-Hum'?

Let's continue on with the "books I'm reading to make me a better author", shall we? Excellent. Today's installation is What in the Word? Wordplay, Word Lore, and Answers to Your Peskiest Questions about Language by Charles Harrington Elster.

In January, I reviewed The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson. Read that one. Leave Elster's book on the shelf.

Oh, you probably want something to substantiate those instructions. If that's the way you're going to be, fine. I'll play along just the once.

Elster is a contributor to the "On Language" column in the New York Times Magazine. As such, he gets lots of people writing in lots of questions about words, usage, and etymology. As such, this book is written in a question and answer format which makes for some nice natural breaks when reading this book on the shitter. Otherwise, it's just kind of annoying. Now, I will say that, when answering questions based on etymology, usage or "is there a word that..." describes a certain situation, Elster does a stand-up job. However, in several chapters, Elster decides to exercise his "wit" by crafting new words. Sure, creating new words is nice and all, but it was difficult reading these chapters and not imagining some smug motherfucker talking down to you while he creates a word to describe the holes in Swiss cheese or some other useless entity.

Added into these are sidebars where he makes up more stupid words, as well as "Bodacious Brainteasers" which are supposed to be quizzes but end up being impossible to decipher because he will randomly change the rules of the puns that he's using, oftentimes in the middle of the quiz itself. At the bottom of every couplet of pages is a pun in the vein of "I could have been a doctor, but I didn't have the patience". Get it? Laugh, clown, laugh!

I did, however, like the "Unfortunate Eponyms" piece that he wrote, telling stories about people whose lives or actions were so fucked up, we used their names to describe a similar situation. For instance, to "bowdlerize" is to go through and cut out all the "offensive" material from a written document. For instance, if I were to bowdlerize this blog, it'd look something like this:


Hi.


In Elster's defense, some of his best work is in the pronunciation questions (he has a separate book just on mangled pronunciations). Herein he reminds everyone that, yes, there is a /t/ on the beginning of "tsunami," despite the media deciding it was pesky and dropping it back when they covered the one on Phuket Island. Also, he tells us that it's pronounced "homm-edge" and not "oh-mahj" like some self-important cocksnots have decided in recent years *cough*Alex Trebek*cough*. Also, he clears up that whole question of the plural of octopus: it's octopodes. See, the ending "pus" is a Greek derivative of foot, and as it's a Greek word, the proper pluralization is "podes", thus giving us "octopodes." See, the pluralized form of "octopi" is a Latin pluralization, so you're taking a Greek root and forcing a Latin rule on it, despite the fact that they're two different languages. It's kind of like the bastard who decided that we can't have split infinitives in English because they couldn't have split infinitives in Latin...despite the fact that it's impossible to have a split infinitive in Latin. Latin infinitives are all one word (you'll learn that in the upcoming weeks)! Should you think octopodes too silly, octopuses is also acceptable.

The other big reason for reading Bryson's book The Mother Tongue is that Elster cites it constantly (along with Bryson's Dictionary of Troublesome Words), so you're just cutting out the middle man and going to a better written and more enjoyable source. However, if you feel like being talked down to by a book, by all means, read What in the Word?

Blogging Time Out

Hey, all, WC here. Sorry for the silence, but the Big Man has been put in Time Out over his recent string of posts. Oh sure, it was funny and all to belittle the good people of Indiana--I mean, damn, I love a good laugh at the simple ways of backward folk as much as the next guy--but then he started making fun of the fat chicks, and, well, The Wiz has a soft spot for the Plumpies. You see, sometimes the old star and moon robe doesn't wrap around my little ass during those chilly winter nights, and The Wiz needs him an ass to cozy up to in order to keep warm. I'm not ashamed. I'm a whore for a nice, warm, soft ass, despite Bel Biv Devoe warning me to never trust a big butt and a smile.

But then the Big Guy started knocking the Canadians, and that didn't sit too well with the Wiz. You see, I'm a closet acerfoliumophile, so if there's one thing I can't stand, it's insulting the good folks up north (although the Wiz does think your ketchup tastes a little funny--don't get upset, I'm just sayin'). I mean, just because a nation has a bit of a funny accent, screwed up football rules, various places named after moose body parts, and trees--lots and lots of trees--doesn't make them a bad place. I mean, they gave us the Barenaked Ladies and...uh...Avril Lavigne and...er...Alex Trebeck! Okay, so you guys can take that pompous assbag back. We'll keep the nekkid ladies. Wait, what? They're all guys? Horseshit.

Anyway...the other night, the boss kind of lost it. He stormed out of here, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, and tossed me in the Jenksennium Falcon and sped off. I was frightened for a moment before I realized we were headed toward Sonic, where the Big Man got his usual. As for me, he forced me into asking for my dinner in the most degrading of ways. How many times do I have to tell him, I does not talk like dat? Dammit. Anyway, it was an eventful dinner as the Big Man kept muttering something about "what the fuck kind of Communist doesn't like tomatoes on their burgers?". Yeah, I don't know either. If any of you know what's going on, clue me in, alright? Also, he got the chili cheese tots and then preceded to eat the whole thing, not even offering me one! To top it off, after we went to bed, that bastard kept giving me the Dutch Oven all night long! I've already admitted to my love of ass-sleeping--it's a weakness, alright? There, I've said it. But then this bastard goes and ruins it by woofing me under the blankets all night. And then his knowing snicker--that sonuvabitch knew what he was doing and enjoying it. Ugh. The Wiz is disgusted just talking about it again.

So, between the Canuckophobia and chili-cheese-tot ass symphony, the Big Guy's in time out. I'm not letting him near the computer again until he sifts the turds out of my litterbox and buys a pair of those charcoal underpants with that patch that helps filter out the stink. In the mean time, to make sure Zibbs keeps coming back, I thought I'd bust out the mailbag and answer a few nagging questions that have been hanging around.

Way back in June, Frank asked "Are we allowed to ask questions for [Q&A] volume 2? Do you like ice cream? If so, what flavor?"

Well, Frank...easy ones first. Yes, ask all the questions you want and I'll try to get around to answering them quickly, or as quick as a guy without the benefit of opposable thumbs can be, mind. I'll also be quicker on the draw when I've not been rendered loopy by rolling clouds of gas trapped under a duvet.

As for ice cream, I'm not sure if you're directing that at me or the Big Guy. The short answer for both of us is "fuck yeah", and to follow up, the Big Man loves his Moose Tracks (curious, what with the Canada thing as all) and cherry cordial. Both are mighty nice, but on those nights when WC feels like spoiling himself, I usually whip up my own recipe of kipper and catnip. mmmmmm-MMM! My insides are atingle with the mere thought of it now.

Back in July, McGone commented something about Kevin Smith's anal fissures being on Smith's blog and was it in the book. While not a question, I feel as if I should just add that Smith's book "My Boring Ass Life" is just the entries from his blog, gathered together in book form. So, yes, the anal fissure story was there. And, also, yeeeesh! *shudder*

Finally, a couple of day ago, Lisa and her tastrophies asked about an autographed picture of the Wiz. If I could blush, I would. Nah, I'm just kidding. The Wiz loves him some stalkers. All that extra attention is fantastic. If I'm not whoring for warm asses, I'm whoring for attention. The Big Guy will be in contact with you shortly, when I allow him back on the computer. You know, after he sifts mah shit.

Well, that pretty much closes up the mail bag. Keep the questions coming. Also, because I know you're all dying to know, the Wiz is available for guestbloggery, if you're into that sort of thing. I'm a whore for warm asses, attention, and guestblogging. In the meantime, I feel a big one a-brewin'. I think after I'm done burying it, I'll go cozy up to the Boss and stretch my feet out in his face. It'll be our little joke.

Q & A Time: Volume 1

Okay, the much anticipated Q&A session is going down right now. Sadly, I only have a few questions that need answering, so my witty repartee (as witty as repartee can be through a blog) will be limited.

Back under Personal Hamster Huey, Hap asked:

"P.S. If I don't have a website, openID, or Google/Blogger ID, what should I be doing?"

Uh...I'm at a loss. But, I think you can use your yahoo id (should you have one). Or, you could just break down and get a blogger id. However, as a man who still doesn't own a cell phone, I can appreciate your desire to buck the trend and not join the masses with google/blogger/openID accounts.

Back under the Competition post, Noel asked and stated:

"Speaking of writing, how goes the editing process for you? I find that editing takes more out of me than writing itself does."

Ugh, editing sucks. Hard. I think it wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't about the seventh read-through that I've done in the story's various manifestations. I'm getting to the point where I'm a little more desensitized toward the characters' outcomes. And even though there are characters that I really like whom I know bite it in the not-too-distant future, I find myself uncaring for their plight. So, in the little bits that I've edited in the past few weeks, I've actually been redoing large swathes of story, just to shake things up a bit. I mentioned thinking about redoing the very beginning, and that's one, but I've also changed a couple of interactions between characters early on, with an eye toward really fucking things up between them later on. Remember, my credo is, if something bad can happen, then it should. And it will.

To that end, I've actually abandoned the editing process recently, and I've started with the writing again. Fortunately for me, I'm getting switched to a new department which means no more late-evening video conferences with our Japanese partners; to this end, my lovely wife, the comely and oh-so-buxom Boudicca, has graciously allowed me "night's off", where I just go and hang out somewhere, sipping coffee, flipping through books, and jotting down ideas in my notebook and writing large pieces of text in a spiral-bound. It's been cathartic, not to mention productive.

Under DUI-ke, mevans asked:

"Duke has football now? Who knew? :-)

Sadly, Notre Dame, as it was one of three wins they managed to slop up last year. And at that, the outcome was in doubt until right around halftime.

And finally, Lisa of Lisa-tastrophies fame, had this to say and ask under the St. Kevin's Day post:

"I love these posts. They are so informative and too fun to read. How's the book coming?"

Well...huh. How to put this. I still haven't been rejected by the agent. However, I just checked their website the other day, to see if there were any updates or anything. They had a few book tours/fairs they had to do, so they were pretty busy during April (and I feel very lucky to have been asked to submit some material during that period). It's been...just about a month--maybe five weeks--since I sent my material in. So, at the very least, it wasn't stamped as a rejection and sent back.

That being said, there was an update on the website. Turns out, the guy to whom I sent my material, is leaving the company. What this means for me, I haven't a clue. I still haven't been rejected, but I'm thinking about giving them a call to see what the status of my stuff is. They have hired on a new agent, so I assume my stuff got handed over to him. But, that's all I know right now. I figured I'd give them six weeks and then maybe give them a call (I think I remember them saying it could be six to eight weeks once the original material has been sent in).

Otherwise, I'm now writing more than editing. As I mentioned above, editing is a lot more...blah...right now. Writing is fun, mostly because one of the first scenes I've been working on has been a battle, and frankly, those are fun to write because it involves less tedious dialogue and political machinations.

Well, that concludes this Q & A session. Hopefully, I didn't leave anyone off. If so, feel free to kick my ass in the comments. Also, I'll have less of a fluff post up later this weekend. Until then...skadoosh.