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Inspirational Reads


July 8, 2010

Despite the fact that I enjoy the outdoors and I have a minor in biology, I really hate insects. Like, despise them. Big ones are worse because there's more of them to hate. But, so long as they're outside and not trying to bite my flesh or drink my blood or violate my personal space or...whatever else they try to do to me, I'm okay with them. If they simply exist and don't bother me, then they're tolerable.

It's when they cross that threshold that I call "the walls of my house" that we have a problem with their mere existence.

I've recently been overrun by these fucking palmetto bugs. And, if you're unsure what a palmetto bug is, think of a roach on Brobdingnagian scale, and you'll be close. They scuttle over things and they generally creep me the fuck out. Plus, they're big enough to set off mousetraps but low-profile enough to avoid the bar-of-doom as it swings down to try and kill them.

In a word, they're assholes.

And I've got a population of them in my house.

The other thing? The monsters can fly. I mean, they can fucking fly! And when they're flying, they're on the order of pterodactyls swooping toward your head. I tried killing one the other night who decided to kamikaze my face as I was bringing my shoe down toward it, summoning imminent and permanent doom for the little bastard.

And then it flew right at my fucking face! Defensively tactical, let me assure you, as I dropped the shoe I was wielding and fell to the floor, automatically assuming the fetal position and weeping openly. It landed on the wall, skidded, and fell behind the bookcase. My quest to end it came to a screeching halt. My wife was unamused by this.

So, with the children and the wife out of the house for the next few, I took the opportunity to do the only thing I know how: go nuclear.

That's right, I purchased a package of bug bombs and set them off this morning. I'm hoping that this will clean the fuckers out of the house. I'm laying down a wide strip of ortho defense or whatever the fuck you call it in an effort to keep them out. Whether it works or not, we'll have to see.

BUT, the thing about the bug bombs is that I had to turn off the fridge. There's a Mythbusters episode in which the team sets off hundreds of bug bombs and then sparks something inside the house, causing the doors to be blown off the house. Of course, that was hundreds of bug bombs. I used three. Still, safety first and all, I turned off the fridge. Since there will be no one home to open the fridge and let out the cold air, it shouldn't be an issue.

The bigger issue is that I had to turn off the air conditioner. And all the fans that I use to move the conditioned air around. And, it's supposed to be hot today. Not as hot as yesterday, but still definitely in the "as bawls" category when it comes to measuring heat.

So, I'm looking forward to coming home to a hot house filled with stagnant air, the sweetly deadly scent of pesticides, a host of dead bug bodies (*shudder*), and a refrigerator that, if anything goes wrong, could be full of rotting food.


The silver lining here is that I'm home alone, so I'll be able to sleep naked in the bed. Provided that there aren't dead bug bodies all over the bed. *shudder again* As long as they're dead, I guess I'll happily clean them up.

Plus, I'll be able to sleep soundly knowing that there won't be any giant pterodactyl bug assholes trying to land on my face while I'm unconscious.

Until the next wave moves in, at least...


Logical Libby said...

Palmetto bugs are the spawn of Satan.

kate said...

I remember going to my parents' house after they moved to Georgia and seeing one of those things clinging to the wall. When I screamed like a bitch and asked what it was, my mom calmly said, "oh, it's a palmetto bug" before hosing it down with the first can of spray-stuff that she could find: Lemon Pledge.

I'm sorry. It's a roach. It's a roach with a fancier name (and apparently on steroids). I'm pretty sure that those monsters single-handidly made the decision for me that I could never live in the south.

PS - When did whats-her-face at the bottom get her boobs done? Those things are huge!

Nej said...

You can safely add me to the ranks of people that don't know what they are (outside of recognizing the name).

I, too, am a bug hater....and my hubby (the wetland biology degree man) loves them.

He puts grasshoppers in the webs of spiders outside to feed them....I smoosh spiders on the wall inside, and leave their dead bodies as a warning to others.

He holds them in his hand and puts them outside....while I'm grabbing the biggest shoe I can find and slamming it down making as much noise as I can (to drown out the crunching sound). Ick! :-)

From one bug hater to another, I wish you the best, and hope you bombed the f*ck out of them at home!!!! :-) :-) :-) (giggle)

Sully said...

I never miss an opportunity to step on an ant.

Wynn said...

Good god man, setting off mousetraps? I would have to sell everything they had touched. I have no idea what those bugs are and I really have no intentions of ever finding out.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Hell Yeh! Man with his deadly technology vs millions of years of evolution. Kill them all. Stinkin' bugs. You go with your bad self and your two thumbs.

red said...

Ewwww!!! I hate bugs more than just about anything. That was my biggest fear when I moved here. Thankfully, I've got an apartment where they spray for the buggers regularly.

But, dude, no joke about this heat. At least it feels like summer?

BeckEye said...

We've recently had an epidemic with stinkbugs, which I always thought were made up. They're very real. And they just, like, FALL from wherever the hell they are, which is usually right above me. But you can't squish them or they emit the most God-awful smell. So you have to try to trap them and flush them down the toilet or something.

I'm really glad I don't have to deal with the NYC roaches anymore, though.

Jennifer said...

I used to work for Universal Orlando's Islands of Adventure on the Jurassic Park River Adventure ride (that was a mouthful), and I'd frequently get asked if palmetto bugs were real or if they were prehistoric.

One time a couple of Australians ran screaming from a boat (on the ride) because of one of those fuckers. Australians -- you know, the ones with highest percentage of deadly/bizarre indigenous creatures on the planet.

Elliott said...

<> This is why I had a good solid relationship with my exterminator when we lived in America's Wang. As in 'offer him beer' relationship. I believed in an apocalyptic ring of death around the house.

Now I have chipmunks living under the front porch that are smaller than some of the insects we had in our previous home.