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Inspirational Reads

Totally Blowing Shit Up...Wednesdays?

July 1, 2010

Last night, we had a situation down here in North By God Carolina. One of the interstates that goes through my shithole fair city was shut down right before rush hour picked up because of a bomb threat. The threat was called in for the bridge that was at the intersection where the interstate passes the big mall on the south side of the city. So, not only is there all the traffic of people trying to get home in the evening, but there was also the combined traffic of mall traffic as well as people going to eat dinner.

In short, things were a mess.

Of course, last night I also needed to get gas before driving home, and I decided I needed to mail my parents' birthday card (Mom's was yesterday, dad's was Monday), which only exacerbated the situation. I could feel the vein throbbing in my head as I studied the rear end of the car in front of me for a good 30 minutes until I could get to my exit. And I don't even use the interstate that was shut down, but everyone else was diverted onto my road for the ride home as means of a detour.

Anyway, while stuck in traffic, I also thought about the guy who called in the threat. Apparently, there was a "mysterious package" in the area of the bridge. Our crack team of law enforcement was on the scene! Or, actually, they were using the DOT cameras on the bridge to look for the package. No bomb-sniffing dogs, no one on the ground, just a guy looking through cameras trying to find the mysterious package. Or the white van. There's always a white van. Apparently, to be a true criminal, you need to drive a van: black for chi-mo's and rapists, white for murderous psychopaths. If you're an ecoterrorist, do you drive a green van? Just a thought.

Eventually, what looked like three paper towel tubes taped together and painted black was found, and the bomb robot went in to retrieve it. There was dramatic footage of the robot shooting some kind of liquid onto the concrete divider on the road, and then robot then gleefully chugged over to another area where it was, presumably, patted on the head and rewarded with a quart of thirty-weight.

In the end, thousands of peoples lives were disrupted because someone didn't get hugged enough as a child and needed to make this desperate cry for attention. It got me to thinking about what the criminal "mastermind" should have done. He should have called in the bomb threat, left his little paper towel tube bomb there for everyone to see. Then when the police rerouted the traffic onto other major thoroughfares to keep everyone safe, he should blow up one of the bridges used for the detour filled with people trying to get home.

This would then immediately be followed by the phone call telling the police that he wanted some grossly large sum of money deposited into his off-shore account, or another bridge goes up. This is, of course, followed by an hour-long stand off in which general panic grips the area, searches are done of other bridges, and finally Batman shows up to save the day.

However, my wife was impressed (terrified?) about my coldly calculated counterstrike to the bomb threat and coming up with a plan for what the mastermind should have done. So, apparently, I'm either a psychopath, or I have a knack for developing particularly evil villains.

Because I'm not friends with one of the Olsen Twins nor do I have a bunch of pills conveniently located in my medicine cabinet, let's hope it's latter and not the former.

What? Too soon?

[EDIT]: Oh man, I just read the full story about the bomb threat. There was, in fact, no bomb threat called in. Someone saw some trash alongside the road, and called 911 telling them that a suspicious package that looks like it could be a bomb was alongside the road.


On top of that all, the Keystone Kops Durham Police force suffered an injury when one of the deputies was shot during a "weapons malfunction".

You tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen...


Eric said...

They shut down a road near my place a while back because someone found a geo-cache box attached to a telephone pole near a post office.

Really, shut down the city? Maybe we are on the overreacting side a bit these days?

It's a bit psychotic and counterproductive to assume everything encountered in life is a WMD.

Moooooog35 said...

You might want to answer the doorbell.

Pretty sure that's the ATF.

That Baldy Fella said...

Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb

SkylersDad said...

Everyone knows it's not a bomb unless there is a big ass alarm clock attached to it. I learned everything I need to know from old saturday morning cartoons.

LiLu said...

They closed down our parking garage yesterday because of a "suspicious package", and then proceeded to send us an email every half hour updating us on the status of said package without any actual information whatsoever.

I'm pretty sure some drunk GW student left his backpack on a bench.

Wynn said...

I know a girl in Durham. I'mma have to ask her if she was affected by this whole bridge-thing. I can only imagine the cussing..

And I just now rememebered that I've had an incident with a white van once, that mostly consisted of myself throwing me into the bushes to hide. Hmm.. Psycho murderer you say. But all he said was that he wanted to "buy us icecream"?

kate said...

I got in trouble in high school while we were going through a bomb drill. We were walked out to to football stadium where were were sat in assigned sections based on what teacher we were with at the time...I piped up to say "wouldn't it just make more sense to call in a bomb threat to the school, wait until everyone goes to their seats in the stadium and then just blow up the stadium?" Needless to say, the teachera that overheard me were none to pleased.

I mean, really, though. If 15-year-old-not-angry-or-angsty-me can figure that out in less than 30 seconds, don't you think that the crazed emo kid in the long trench coat in the corner might have thought of it, too?

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

You are an evil genius. I can just picture you rubbing your hands together as you developed that sinister what-should-have-been.

Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you?

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

You are an evil genius. I can just picture you rubbing your hands together as you developed that sinister what-should-have-been.

Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you?

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

You are an evil genius. I can just picture you rubbing your hands together as you developed that sinister what-should-have-been.

Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you?

BeckEye said...

They would constantly announce on the NYC subway, "If you see something, say something," regarding suspicious items, people or activity. It's a wonder the subway ever moved at all. 99% of the items, people and activity that goes on in the stations is suspicious.

Nej said...

I see the headlines now....Blogger Named as Man of Interest in "Bomb Threat Diversion Attack" at 11:00.


Trash bag = suspicious??