Hey Mr. Driverman, Don't Be Slow

School started back up for my kids on Monday, which added an extra layer of nuts to last week. My kids are on a year-round schedule, in case you've forgotten, never knew, or didn't care. Getting two monkeys children ready for school is a bit hectic, even if it wasn't me who was meeting up with the new teachers and all that shizz.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, my wife works early shifts so that she can get her shit done at the store before people start coming in asking for vampire books for teenage boys and such. This leaves me with the task of getting the kids ready and off to the bus stop for pick-up and delivery. Not a problem, right? A monkey can do that. More or less.

Well, my friends, I am not a monkey!

Last year, the bus would show up around...8:25. Ish. Some days it would be 8:23, some days it would be 8:40. You just never knew. That's what we call "excitement". Who wants a boring, mundane start to their day? Apparently, not me.

I assumed that the bus would show up around the same time this year, too. I mean, for my entire youthful schoolboy experience, the bus always showed up at exactly the same time. And when I got to high school, the bus was exactly one hour earlier. Not much of a shift in the morning routine.

So, like a good father, I got my children all gathered up and out the door by 8:12 so that we would be at the bus stop plenty early for the bus. We get there, we stand around. A little while later, here comes the bus! Awesome!

Except...it was a different bus number from last year. Not to mention it came down the road banging and grinding and roaring loudly. And with a different bus driver. And this guy...looked a little bit like he had just escaped from Arkham, if you know what I'm saying.

But, this is the only school running a bus route right now, so this must be the correct bus, right? I load the kids on the bus and stand there waving. As I stood there waving, the bus passed on down the road and I realized that there were no other children on the bus.

Curious, I thought to myself. And then I began walking toward my car.

And then my overactive imagination kicked in.

Jesus Christ, what have I done??? I internally monologued. Did I just put them on the 'Pervert Bus'? Am I going to be an evening news special now? 'Tonight, on the six o'clock news...every parent's nightmare!!! And it happened, right here in North Carolina!'

Being that I'm an awesome father, I shrugged it off. I went about my day. I didn't think of it again until it was time for them to come home. So, I called to make sure they were okay. Normally, they get home around 4:00, so I figured I'd call around a quarter after. Except, they weren't home.

Oh, no! Every. Parent's. Nightmare! I was going to have to brush up my unintelligible Southern drawl for the interview. Maybe I'd have to scare up a wife-beater to wear. And a John Deere hat.

Finally, around 4:35, they arrived home. Safely. Somewhat soundly. Everything seemed to be in good order.

Fast forward to Tuesday. This time, I got up earlier than normal, showered and got prepped for the day. I got the kids up, got them going, and everything was good. Eight o'clock rolls around, and we're screwing around watching tv because we have extra time because I got up early like a good, responsible adult!

Just before it's time to go, my daughter realizes that she hasn't put in any earrings, and so she dashes up the stairs to put them in. I'm in the kitchen pouring my cups of coffee when I feel a strange disturbance in the Force. I look at the clock. It reads 8:10, and it's accurate with the time on The Weather Channel. I walk into the living room and peer through the shades and see the bus...pulling away from in front of my house!!! I rush to the front door, swearing the whole way, and I throw open the door and stand on the front stoop, waving my arms furiously over my head. Quite the sight, I'm sure.

The bus continues on, ploddingly slow, as it rounds the corner and drives away.

"Sonuva..." I begin, but then I suddenly realize that, as well as having to drive them to school today, I am going to have to get gas before I do so.

At this point, I'm a leg up on my mother, who would have just called the school to tell them I was sick if I had missed the bus. Disturb my regularly-scheduled routine of sitting on the couch on the front porch monitoring the neighborhood for the sake of my children? NEVER!

"Dammit!" I utter, frenzied, unsure of how the timing is going to work out.

With earrings in her ear, I load the kids into the car and we're off! I throw half a tank of gas in my car and then we hurry off. Fortunately (and this is something I didn't take into account while doing the mental calculations around getting the kids to school in time) traffic is light because the regular schools are not yet in session, just the year-round schools. We get to school, I drop them off, and hurry on to work.

Fortunately, my wife is working a later shift today, so I could get up, shower, and get the hell out the door before anything untoward happened with the school bus.