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Inspirational Reads

Resume Time!

July 22, 2010

That's re-zoom-aye time, not ree-soom time. Time hasn't stopped. The sex hasn't been THAT good. Wax-flying-out-of-ears good yes, but not all-time-has-stopped-with-my-orgasm good.

It seems as though it's time for me to polish up ye olde resume because my ideal job has just come open. No, no, not Scarlett Johansson's personal Man-Bra. I'm talking more sportsy stuff and less cupping ginormous tits in my large and capable palms.

With the fallout of the NCAA doing their best to kill USC's football program, there has been a cleaning out of the athletic department at Southern California (sorry, this is the real USC, not the one with all the Cocks). This has included the athletic director who allowed the violations infractions to occur under his watch, who was given his marching orders earlier in the week. The real news is that Pat Haden has taken over as the new Athletic Director at USC.

Why is this important? Well, because Pat Haden--up until Tuesday--was one of the announcers for NBC for Notre Dame football games. And now that there's a vacancy, they should naturally look to fill that hole with ME.

Take note. There are LOTS of people who could use me to fill their holes. *ahem*

Anyway, just think about it. I do love me some Notre Dame football. And, we'll all admit that when it comes to being a Go-Getter, I'm not in any danger of having that title hung around my neck. So, here's a job where I work Saturdays for one quarter of the year and all I do is talk about football and the greatness and glory of Notre Dame. And really, since it's just home games, I only work every other Saturday for one quarter of the year. I can do that. I can probably provide some fine bits of stories about when I was a student at Notre Dame. That's got to be better than having a USC guy in the booth, right?

Plus, my voice would stretch from one end of this fine nation of ours to the other, and also overseas. Nothing could go wrong there!

If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'll do. I think, possibly, the best job for me would to do something like what Kevin Smith does now. No, not make shitty movies, anyone can do that (see, Shyamalan, M. Night). Smith has this thing where he tours the country, stopping at college campuses and talking to the audience for a few hours about...nothing, really. Just stories and anecdotes from his life. He takes questions, he answers them in long, rambling, irreverently humorous stories.

I can do that.

I can twist damned near anything around to some strange happening during the earlier years of my life. Not only that, but I'm going to guess that college kids would really appreciate my retelling of the time I smashed my ex-fiancee's face into the shower wall while trying to have shower sex, or the time I pissed my pants while trying to get gas, or how my mom killed my dog. I'm sure any of those would be met with uproarious laughter and heavy applause and as many blow jobs from coeds as I could handle!

In the meantime, if that doesn't work out, I'll just submit my resume to NBC sports and the University of Notre Dame. And I need to brush up on the spread option wing whateverthefuck new offense ND is going to have this year.

And I should probably work on not saying "fuck" so much.


Bev said...

Do it! Do it! Then I can say I "knew" you when.

kate said...

Nah, if there's anything that makes sports broadcasts more entertaining, it's the word "fuck". Say it loud, say it proud.

Pearl said...

I'm nodding, I'm nodding. You are up to this!


Heather said...

I think saying fuck might make ND football bearable. Ohhhh! Sick burn!

Ed said...

Sounds like a great plan.

The fucking coeds part, not the radio gig.

Nej said...

The more times they have to bleep a fuck, the more money you make.

At least, that's how it should be with football announcing. :-)

corticoWhat said...

How could you call Notre Dame football and NOT say f**k a lot

(As in, "FUCK, another ND fumble!")

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

On a semi-related note, I want to BE Erin Andrews.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

On a semi-related note, I want to BE Erin Andrews.