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Inspirational Reads

Totally Blowing Shit Up...Wednesdays? Again?

July 7, 2010

Last week, I related the story of the bomb threat that happened here Tuesday night and snarled me in traffic. It turns out that the bomb looked like something Wile E. Coyote would put together in order to catch the Road Runner. Perhaps it was someone's ill-advised commentary on Time Warner Cable's "blazing fast" Road Runner internet package. If so, might I suggest that the giant crossbow mounted on a sandstone outcrop might have been more socially-acceptable, not to mention clever.

With this in mind, it was with a jaded curiosity that I heard that there was not one, but two bomb threats yesterday in my fair city. What the hell is going on here? Was I correct, and there's a criminal mastermind in our midst, plotting to terrorize us with the ever-present threat of explosive detonations? Do I need to start wearing a cape and a cowl?

Not only were there two bomb threats nearly simultaneously, but the bombs were within a few miles of one another, and not that far away from the original pipes-tape-and-rope bomb lookalike. Could this actually be a threat to truth, justice and the American way?

No, it turns out that one of the "bombs" was a suitcase filled with dental equipment. A quick x-ray showed the contents inside the case were nothing more than weapons of plaque destruction, ready to battle against the evils of gingivitis and tartar build-up!

So, if this was a dud, then what of the other bomb threat?

Well, that one had a little bit more teeth. Turns out, it was a World War II era mortar shell. How the fuck that ended up buried in someone's backyard, I haven't a clue--and neither does the guy who came across it. Most likely, the previous owner of the house was a collector or something, and it somehow got buried in the backyard. The good thing was that the mortar shell wasn't a threat to detonate as the charges and wiring had been removed. It was just a very dangerous-looking paperweight at that point.

However, I don't fault the owner of the house for shitting a solid gold brick and calling the bomb squad. I sure as fuck would have. The guy seemed kind of cool about it, though, in some of the interviews that I heard and read. But I'm guessing that it was a relief to discover a mortar shell in your yard and then discover that it was inert. Major "Phew" moment there...

So, it seems as though I can keep the superhero outfit hidden away for yet another week and everyone can sleep easily knowing that I'm not on the prowl looking to take down any criminal deviants.

However, I will warn you that, if evil is afoot, I'll be the sock of justice to cover it up...

9 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Oh hell, that final line is just brilliant! Well done!

Bev said...

I'd like to see you in tights. Just 'cuz.

Heather said...

I saw you on Bev's comments so I thought what the hell, I'll check the cartoon dude out.

Then I read a couple of posts and thought HOLY SHIT! this guys mind works dirty like mine! Then I read some more and decided to follow you cuz the sexy pictures make me smile...

Nej said...

I love the Tick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sara said...

Hey, hey, hey. You are the TICK. There's no need to apologize for not getting back to people's comments soon enough. Tell them to chill the fuck out because you have lives to save.

(That is what Tick did, right? I'm really horrible with the superhero references.)

Jennifer said...

Weapons of Plaque Destruction is not only witty, but would make for a great title of a metal album.

Where the hell do you live anyway?

MJenks said...

@SkyDad: I can't take full credit. It IS from the Tick cartoon, I just reworked it a little bit.

But thanks, nonetheless!

@ Bev: Full disclosure? I've appeared in public wearing tights before. It was for a theatrical production (uh-huh), but still, there I was, my finely-shaped legs betighted for all to see.

There's nothing like looking down and seeing leg hair sticking through your tights for entertainment value.

@ Heather: Well, thanks! And if I wasn't lazy and/or an insensitive asshole, I'd totally check you out, too.

I mean, your blog. Yes. I'd check out your blog. *shifty-eyed*

@ Nej: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

@ Sara: Chill the fuck out. I have lives to save. For, when evil is running amok, I'm the mop of justice to clean up their muddy footprints.

@ Jennifer: Since my wife is away, I'll have to rely on other comely redheaded lasses to compliment my clever turns of phrases. Thank you. Thank you very much.

And, I live in North By God Carolina, which is a little different from West By God Virginia, perhaps only because we have more people from New Jersey skeeving up the place.

Nej said...

"Eating kittens is just plain wrong! And no-one should do it, ever!"

Scope said...

Spoon!