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Blogging Time Out

August 26, 2008

Hey, all, WC here. Sorry for the silence, but the Big Man has been put in Time Out over his recent string of posts. Oh sure, it was funny and all to belittle the good people of Indiana--I mean, damn, I love a good laugh at the simple ways of backward folk as much as the next guy--but then he started making fun of the fat chicks, and, well, The Wiz has a soft spot for the Plumpies. You see, sometimes the old star and moon robe doesn't wrap around my little ass during those chilly winter nights, and The Wiz needs him an ass to cozy up to in order to keep warm. I'm not ashamed. I'm a whore for a nice, warm, soft ass, despite Bel Biv Devoe warning me to never trust a big butt and a smile.

But then the Big Guy started knocking the Canadians, and that didn't sit too well with the Wiz. You see, I'm a closet acerfoliumophile, so if there's one thing I can't stand, it's insulting the good folks up north (although the Wiz does think your ketchup tastes a little funny--don't get upset, I'm just sayin'). I mean, just because a nation has a bit of a funny accent, screwed up football rules, various places named after moose body parts, and trees--lots and lots of trees--doesn't make them a bad place. I mean, they gave us the Barenaked Ladies and...uh...Avril Lavigne and...er...Alex Trebeck! Okay, so you guys can take that pompous assbag back. We'll keep the nekkid ladies. Wait, what? They're all guys? Horseshit.

Anyway...the other night, the boss kind of lost it. He stormed out of here, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, and tossed me in the Jenksennium Falcon and sped off. I was frightened for a moment before I realized we were headed toward Sonic, where the Big Man got his usual. As for me, he forced me into asking for my dinner in the most degrading of ways. How many times do I have to tell him, I does not talk like dat? Dammit. Anyway, it was an eventful dinner as the Big Man kept muttering something about "what the fuck kind of Communist doesn't like tomatoes on their burgers?". Yeah, I don't know either. If any of you know what's going on, clue me in, alright? Also, he got the chili cheese tots and then preceded to eat the whole thing, not even offering me one! To top it off, after we went to bed, that bastard kept giving me the Dutch Oven all night long! I've already admitted to my love of ass-sleeping--it's a weakness, alright? There, I've said it. But then this bastard goes and ruins it by woofing me under the blankets all night. And then his knowing snicker--that sonuvabitch knew what he was doing and enjoying it. Ugh. The Wiz is disgusted just talking about it again.

So, between the Canuckophobia and chili-cheese-tot ass symphony, the Big Guy's in time out. I'm not letting him near the computer again until he sifts the turds out of my litterbox and buys a pair of those charcoal underpants with that patch that helps filter out the stink. In the mean time, to make sure Zibbs keeps coming back, I thought I'd bust out the mailbag and answer a few nagging questions that have been hanging around.

Way back in June, Frank asked "Are we allowed to ask questions for [Q&A] volume 2? Do you like ice cream? If so, what flavor?"

Well, Frank...easy ones first. Yes, ask all the questions you want and I'll try to get around to answering them quickly, or as quick as a guy without the benefit of opposable thumbs can be, mind. I'll also be quicker on the draw when I've not been rendered loopy by rolling clouds of gas trapped under a duvet.

As for ice cream, I'm not sure if you're directing that at me or the Big Guy. The short answer for both of us is "fuck yeah", and to follow up, the Big Man loves his Moose Tracks (curious, what with the Canada thing as all) and cherry cordial. Both are mighty nice, but on those nights when WC feels like spoiling himself, I usually whip up my own recipe of kipper and catnip. mmmmmm-MMM! My insides are atingle with the mere thought of it now.

Back in July, McGone commented something about Kevin Smith's anal fissures being on Smith's blog and was it in the book. While not a question, I feel as if I should just add that Smith's book "My Boring Ass Life" is just the entries from his blog, gathered together in book form. So, yes, the anal fissure story was there. And, also, yeeeesh! *shudder*

Finally, a couple of day ago, Lisa and her tastrophies asked about an autographed picture of the Wiz. If I could blush, I would. Nah, I'm just kidding. The Wiz loves him some stalkers. All that extra attention is fantastic. If I'm not whoring for warm asses, I'm whoring for attention. The Big Guy will be in contact with you shortly, when I allow him back on the computer. You know, after he sifts mah shit.

Well, that pretty much closes up the mail bag. Keep the questions coming. Also, because I know you're all dying to know, the Wiz is available for guestbloggery, if you're into that sort of thing. I'm a whore for warm asses, attention, and guestblogging. In the meantime, I feel a big one a-brewin'. I think after I'm done burying it, I'll go cozy up to the Boss and stretch my feet out in his face. It'll be our little joke.

20 comments:

Gwen said...

Next time I'm going to be out of town, my blog is all yours, Wizard Cat. You rule. Negotiate for some 'nip before you let the Big Man out of time out.

Alaina said...

Ha ha! That's AWESOME!

My next vaca you are DEFINITELY guest blogging.

Ψ*Ψ said...

this blog SO needs a wizard cat picture :)
i <3 kitties

Hap said...

Kitties are good. Mine aren't as smart as yours, though, though Cat B is smart enough to lay between my knees and not closer to my head. Cat A just looks for free table space.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Wizard Cat you have made my, I mean, my kittens' day. I am, hummmm, they are so excited about the autographed picture that they went and paid homage to you in their own personal sand box. I'm sure you can smell the artistry all the way up there. Right now they are trying to figure out how to get a blog of their own up and running but since I pay the cable bill....

McGone said...

"Please Lord," his prayer began, "Let this be the last time my name is associated with 'anal fissures.'"

Dr Zibbs said...

Whiz, I'm glad you were able to "ease on down this road" (Get it?)

Falwless said...

Best part was As for me, he forced me into asking for my dinner in the most degrading of ways. How many times do I have to tell him, I does not talk like dat?

Hahahahaha. I laughed pretty hard at that.

Frank said...

*sigh of relief* I've been waiting for the answer to that question for months now. I can die a happy man.

Mel O said...

"It'll be our little joke" ha ha ha... I love it! Hilarious post!

Also, I'm new here so forgive me, but as I was moseying around I kind of got the sneaky suspicion that you (BOTH?) have a little thing for Leelee Sobieski? But I could be way off base here ;)

Chemgeek said...

melo,

I've been around here for a while and there's nothing 'little' about it.

BeckEye said...

If there were a lolcat poster with "sift mah shit" as the caption, there would finally be a funny lolcat poster.

Rider said...

I demand a Wizard Cat blog entitled "Sift Mah Shit." I'd read it.

Wizard Cat said...

@ Gwen: When you say I should get some 'nip before I let the Big Man out, does that nip have to be pointing toward the left?

@ Alaina: You're right, luv. The Wiz is teh awesome.

@ PsiStar: Alright, have you been digging through my trash? If so, I need that one mousey back, thanks. Anyway, the Wiz has been doing some modeling, but he's just not happy with any of his pictures thus far. I'll let you know when they finally get my good side.

@ Hap: What more do you want, man? I've already admitted that I'm an ass-sleeper! No need to rub mah cute little nose in it!

@ Lisa: Tell Bud et. al. that I wish them the best. Blogging sucks when you don't have any thumbs, plus you have to work on that whole manual dexterity thing in order to not get the blog to look like some hack cat created it. Also, manual dexterity sucks when you have no hands...

@ McGone: Hey, the Wiz doesn't like talking about the brown eye, either, my friend. And think about it, I raise my tail up in order to show "joy", and the whole world gets a show. Think about the indignity there! Everyday, my friend, everyday the world's judging the Wiz based on his backside. So, there's a lot worse things that could happen than having your name linked to anal fissures on the internet. For instance, you could be a Bears fan...

@ Zibbs: If you're saying I'm a dead ringer for Ted Ross, then I'm coming over to shred your furniture. *snikt* Although, I guess there are worse things in the world to be linked to (see above).

@ Falw: Glad my suffering and indignity could make your day. Are you heartless and cruel? Gah. Just kidding, the Wiz loves his ladies.

@ Frank: I could tell. I've been working on some empath spells lately, and I knew how badly you were torn up inside over your ignorance about my choice in ice cream flavors. Hopefully, you can sleep a little better now.

@ MelO: Thanks for stopping by! And, yes, the Big Man has a thing for Ms. Sobieski. And, well, the Wiz just loves any lady that will allow him to cozy up next to her ass on a cold winter night. However, the Wiz would also accept a position as the seldom seen "third sweater kitten".

@ Chemgeek: I see that my reputation proceeds me. I'll let you make your own inferences there...

@ Beckeye: The Wiz is filing a copywrite right now. I'll make millions! And, of course, I won't forget those whole helped me launch a career as the "sift mah shit" lolcat. I'll let you snuggle me, especially if you're headed to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

@ Rider: That sounds positively craptastic. Which means I'm halfway there toward making it.

Will Shannon said...

Are you ill or something?

Wizard Cat said...

@ Will: Nope, I've had all my shots. Although, I can't help myself when I hear Sweaty Teddy rocking the strings and I sing along--loudly--with Cat Scratch Fever. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm ailing from said illness.

Ψ*Ψ said...

hey guess what? I'm in north by god Carolina for the weekend :D

Grant Miller said...

Thanks for the LeeLee phot. I have a mild - very mild - crush on her.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

WiZAARRRd Cat
we haaazzz capturd coomputer. must haz wiARD CAT PHOTO 2 get coompuuter bak 2 hooman.
zend quik az hooman miht susspek som ting.

BUD E Phat
&
ELSA Kat

dg said...

Ah yes... the dreaded Dutch Oven. I was initiated into the world of Dutch Ovens recently by Captain Recovery.

BLECH.

Check it out, yo...