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Inspirational Reads

Emotional Desolation

August 8, 2008

Oh, hey. How are you doing? Have a long week? Glad that the weekend's here? Yeah, it's supposed to be nice weather. Got any plans? That sounds like fun.

Me? Oh, you know, the usual. A little tired. Was up late last night and all but--fuck you Ted Thompson!

That's right. I'm an emotional wreck because of you and that cheesedick you call a head coach. Mark Murphy, where's the open arms? Huh? Where are they? You know's $25 million. You three go away for ever.

And are dead to me, sir. I was all prepared for you to go to the Vikings. I was like, "Hey, I like Purple" and "I used to fuck a girl from Minnesota" and "Now Eric and I can be buddies bffs" and "Man, I 'm going to have to find a hat with horns and some fake blond braids. This will be fun." Then I made that horn sound that the fans in Minnesota blow all the time. You know, the one that sounds like a horny humpback whale out looking for some play? That one.

And then rumors of Tampa Bay abounded and I was like "Hey, that's alright. Jon Gruden has some ties to Notre Dame. That'd be cool" and "Tampa Bay has some hot cheerleaders" and "Heh heh, they're pirates. Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrve. Heh heh."

And someone was even like, "Hey, Dolphins need a quarterback" and after I threw up in my mouth a little, I was like, "Well, my best friend the Eye Doctor is a Dolphins fan...maybe we can comiserate..."

But then it happened. You went to the Jets, Brett. The J E T S Jets Jets Jets. Just End The Season Jets Jets Jets. Dude. Come on. Rip my heart out of my chest and punt it across the room, and then it can slide down the wall and land in the trash can. Thanks Laura Powers Brett.

I even tried to justify it. I was like "Hey, they're green" and "Kevin wore a Jets jacket on the Wonder Years" and "Fucking Jets. Jesus I hate the fucking Jets." Yeah, that didn't work out so well. Don't you remember a few years ago, Brett, when you were poised to go into the playoffs with homefield throughout, and then you rolled into Giants Stadium to play the hapless Jets and they pasted you 41-3 and dropped you to the third seed and you bowed out to Dogslayer Michael Vick? Yeah. You totally just went and made out with Jimbo.

So, I should turn back to my old team, right? Oh fuck that. The collection of bumblefuckery that is the front office down to the head coach in Green Bay deserves my scorn and disdain. I hope you've got your resumes brushed off and updated, fellas, because the first losing season (or the end of this one), you'll either be run out of town on a rail or your heads will be served on a silver platter, Salome-style.

Ugh, so here I wander, teamless, the wide plains of Gorgoroth stretching out around me. The wind is bitter and bleak. Tiny grains of sand pelt my skin, raising knobby red whelts in their wake. To whom do I turn? I guess the easy answer would be the Colts, since I grew up in Indiana, but they've always been more like that second team to root for, that kid in class who tries real hard but never gets it right, but you still pat them on the head and say "Nice job, Jimmy." Plus, they don't fully articulate my disdain for the Bears--though with the Sex Cannon at the helm...or the Neckbeard--take your pick--hating the Bears is akin to disliking a Pop Warner league team.

I'm distraught, and it's all your fault, Ted Thompson. Hitch your wagon to the Titanic (sorry Hap, that was beautifully put, so I'm thieving it) or Charon's ferry or a dog turd laying in the sun drying up and getting hard. The Packers are dead to me, too. At least until Aaron Rogers gets hurt and Brian Brohm takes over (week three?). Ugh. At least college football starts soon. Oh, Jesus, that's right. Well, how long until basketball season? Fuck.


Chemgeek said...

I'm just glad this whole ordeal is done. Well, OK phase one is done.

I never wanted him to be a Viking not because he isn't good, but because the circus that would ensue would be too distracting. However, you can bet I would have walked the 1.5 miles to the Vikings training camp (yeah, I live that close) and caught a glimpse of the train wreck.

Now, THE JETS!?!?!?!? That just seems to me to be the most sterile decision the Packers could have made. I would like to see what the offers were from other teams. I can't imagine a conditional 4th round pick scared the Bucs or Vikes away.

Every picture I see of Brett at the Jets news conference looks the same. He has that look on his face that says "Ah shit!!! I just got traded to the Jets. What have I done??"

Well, I'm sure the fans and media in New York are just like the fans and media in Green Bay. Those markets are pretty much identical, right? Brett will have no trouble adjusting.

Chemgeek said...

"Now Eric and I can be buddies"

Damn, we were so close.

Falwless said...

I don't think I understand. What's wrong with The Jets? They're one of my favorites!!!!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

@ chemgeek A I guess the Vikings were never really an option because of that whole twice a year thing. And, I guess the Packers were asking for a bunch of stuff from the Bucs, including Brian Griese. Huh. Another quarterback. Sweating that Rogers decision a little bit, guys?

I saw the news conference while trying to eat my dinner last night. That steak burrito never tasted so bittersweet.

@ chemgeek B fixed <3

@ lady falwless Because, I just met a girl named Maria, that's what's wrong with the Jets.

The Ex said...

You know what would make you feel better? Leelee Sobieski.

Jidai said...

Well this is perfect, because now there is no one who can really beat us in the division. We have the best defense and the best running game.


Also, admit it Mjenks your the kid from wonder years! ADMIT IT!

Hap said...

I'm hoping the Green Bay doesn't do well (well, maybe Rodgers, because it wasn't his fault for falling fifteen slots in the draft to GB), but I don't know. The team, the staff, and at least a chunk of the fans seem to think that Favre was the Antichrist and that he was a burden the team was better off without. I can't really explain why - normally getting rid of your HOF quarterback is considered constructive, but...I'm not the genius and personnel management wonder that Thompson and Murphy are.

If I were a veteran in GB, I'd consider buying (and wearing) a chain main turtleneck. As one of their radio people said about GB's hiring of the ex-Bush spinmeister(I can't remember his name), the hiring wasn't about spinning what's already been said but what hasn't yet been said - which implies there's a lot of dirt to come on how GB got to this point. If having your reputation torched and then salted (and then going to the Jets) is GB's idea of "thanks for the memories", I think most of the veterans would prefer to play for the Raiders (at least there, they're only worried about what will get thrown from the stands). I figure going to the Jets is its own punishment, though. Do they even have a running game?

Oh, and what's up with GB asking for Brian Griese? He couldn't hang in Miami or Chicago - what is he going to teach Rodgers to do, suck?

The whole scenario just seems like a perfect depiction of the NFL's transformation into Rollerball. I'm wondering how the Microsoft Blue Screens of Death are doing these days. I hope they beat Lenovo in the Tech division.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Dude, I am going to have to send you a copy of Rudy or Leelee's last movie. Something!! I can't stand seeing you like this. Hold on man, things will get better, I promise. Who knows? Karma could come around an kick Brett's ass. Nothing like a retired guy making a come back and falling flat on his ass after running his mouth to make a fan feel better.
Stay off the ledge. It will be o.k. If you want, you can watch the Chiefs get their asses handed to them at the end of the season (it's like clockwork). Would that cheer you up?