Friday Morning Latin Lesson: Vol. CVII

Salvete, amici!  Here we are again at the end of another week, and what a week it's been, eh?  Is your bracket already busted?  Are you asshole deep in snow yet?  How about that new Pope, eh?  That covers pretty much the sum total of all the news that was this past week, doesn't it? 

This is, of course, the greatest time of the year for me, being that the NCAA men's and women's basketball tournaments are going right now.  The men's tournament, of course, tipped off on Tuesday with the "first four", the four in this case being the first four games, otherwise known as the "play-in" games.  However, "purists" don't count these first four games (because purists are dumb) and you probably have to look long and hard to find someone who actually counts these games in their office pool brackets.  I guess it's understandable; only the truly sick and depraved would watch these games and hold an actual interest in them.  I don't have a problem.  I swear!

The tournament itself has picked up the moniker "March Madness" (even though half of it this year will be played in April...) which stems, somewhat, from the phrase "mad as a March hare".  March is the month in which rabbits get it on, which would be one reason for those hares to be acting all harebrained; sweet, sweet cunnus cuniculi is on the line!  March Madness originally was the nickname for the Illinois state high school tournament--a Land of Lincoln version of Hoosier Hysteria (so much alliteration...).  It was lifted by noted national sportscasting perv and Webb-family hero, Brent Musburger, who probably thought it his own creation when he spewed it forth in a drunken broadcast during 1982.  We thank you for that, Brent, as well as the gift of Katherine Webb in a bikini um, diving, or whatever shit she's doing in that television show.  Shut up and close the blinds--I'm watching here!

The term "Sweet Sixteen" showed up sometime in the 90s, and was once again lifted from a high school tournament.  Several lawsuits with much legalese being bandied about came from the state of Kentucky, where Sweet Sixteen was used for many, many years to describe the final sixteen teams playing in their state high school tournament.  Final Four, also, was stolen from a high school tournament, this time going back to the hotbed of high school hoops, the great state of Indiana, where "final four" was used to describe the last quartet of teams that survived the semistate rounds of the tournament before class basketball ruined Indiana high school athletics forever.  Someone claimed that "final four" was used in the late 70s to describe when Marquette was one of the final four schools left in the tournament, but Marquette can go fuck themselves for all I care.

Oh, thanks for Tom Crean, by the way.

March, of course, gets its name from the Roman God of war, Mars.  Martius was the first month of the Roman Calendar, and it was ruled over by Mars--the embodiment of bloodlust and battle of warfare, as opposed to Minerva who was the strategist--because Martius was the time for planting crops and for making war.  Mars was originally an agrarian god, one who looked over the soil, the crops and the land.  The connection between the soil and battle was made glaringly clear in the movie Gladiator, where Maximus is constantly rubbing the soil on his face and fingers before battle.

Mars also gave us the name for Tuesday (in a round-about way).  The Romans thought that Mars, the planet in the sky, commanded the second day of the week, and so they named it dies Martis or "day of Mars".  When the Romans came in contact with some of the Germanic folk, the Germans liked this idea and so they began calling the second day of the week after their God of War, Tyr.  Thus, the name of the second day of the week became "Tyr's day" which eventually morphed into Tuesday.  And with the first four tipping off on Tuesdays, we've brought this bitch full circle.  All praise Mars!

Tempus est Furori Martis!

Pronounced:  "Tem-poose est fyoo-roar-ee Mar-teese!"

There's some serious meta stuff going on in this picture.  Also, hovertext!

March, of course, has the reputation of "coming in like a lion" and going "out like a lamb."  We're three weeks into March, with the first full day of Spring being yesterday.  This weekend, most of the country is bracing for another major snowstorm.  Yep.  Totally going out like a lamb!  I thought maybe this other phrase would be helpful while you're shoveling your car out of yet another bank of snow left in the wake of the plows.

Te pedicabo, Philippe...

Pronounced:  "Tay pay-dee-cah-boh, Phil-lee-pay"

A translation more accurate that weather prognosticating rodents in the hovertext

Lay in some alcohol and have the pizza man on speed dial:  it's going to be a long weekend.  Might as well get drunk, watch some basketball, and have cholesterol-laden regret coursing through your veins on Monday morning!  Valete, omnes!

Trouble in Paradise

This is the most wonderful time of the year.

Well...normally, that is. It's the most wonderful time of the year if your favorite basketball team doesn't suck. In situations such as the past two seasons, I guess I can always claim to be a fan of Butler, right? *shifty-eyed*

Anyway, I've got some trouble around these here parts.

Basketball-related trouble.

I've raised my daughter right. She loves basketball. She might not be the voracious connoisseur that I am (what's this? Siena versus Fairfield? Sign me up!), but she has an appreciation for watching the game. And that makes me smile.

However, she's also decided that she's going to root for one of the local teams. And by local, I mean local. My daughter is a self-proclaimed Duke fan.

*chokes down bile*

My son, who is only 5 and doesn't know any better, and who wants desperately to have something in common with his older sister, aside from 50% of his DNA and a passion for Legos, is also a Duke fan.

In order to focus on the silver lining in light of this new-found catastrophe, I keep chanting to myself "At least it's not State...at least it's not State..."

I mean, I guess it makes sense, given where we live and all. I do drive past the campus every day--twice!--and my first "real" job was at a biotech company that was, essentially, a glorified research lab backed by a professor at Duke.

Saturday evening, when UNC decided not to even bother showing up to play visited Duke, I was a good father and let her stay up to watch the first half of the game. She sat on my bed and cheered for Duke and celebrated as they built a 30-point lead before halftime.

And then she said the most brilliant--and inadvertently the most ironically hilarious--thing I've ever heard her say:

"Wow. Duke doesn't get called for travels very often."

She also loves playing basketball, and though my backyard isn't the greatest place to shoot hoops, it beats not having anywhere to play at all.

The past two nights, it's been nice enough to go outside and shoot some hoops together. I've been trying to improve her shot a lot over the past couple of days. She's gotten stronger, so now she doesn't just shoot bunnies, but actually is developing a mid-range jumper. However, I'm trying to get her to put some more arc on the ball, and give her some good shooting form. You know, shoulders square to the basket, hips firmly underneath you, bend your knees, keep your toes pointed toward the basket, keep your feet apart.

It's this last part that she doesn't want to do most often. So, I keep telling her "Pull your legs apart", "Spread your legs", "Feet apart".

The irony of what I am saying is not lost on me.

As her game continues to grow farther and farther away from the hoop, she's been getting a bit more...cocky...as she's consistently knocking down shots from farther out. She wanted to know where the 3-point line would be, so I stepped off approximately 19 feet for her.

"Wow! That's really far away." Then she paused. "You couldn't hit that shot."

Never one to back down from the challenge of an 8-year-old girl, I said, "Give me the ball."

In what could possibly be the highlight of my basketball career, I turned and buried the shot. Nothing but net. It was, easily (and sadly) the most badass thing I've done with a basketball in the past ten years.

Because I'm not above gloating over an 8-year-old girl, I cupped my hand behind my ear and repeatedly asked, "What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything," she responded. Clearly, she was awed.

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything!" she insisted. Still awed, naturally.

"I think I heard you say something."

"I think dinner's ready," she responded.

All in all is all we are, I think it was a pretty constructive session. Not only have I helped her develop a bit of range to her game, but I've also taught her to ignore trash-talking assholes on the court.

And knowing is half the battle.

Eff You, Lowes

This weekend, I had a bad case of the Catholic Guilts. These things hit me once in a while and, for long stretches of time, I sit around depressed over shit that is completely out of my control and doesn't affect me in one way or the other. For no good reason at all, I'll get all upset over the thought of people starving or not having air conditioning or being eaten by crocodiles or any of a thousand other sundry afflictions that can befall humanity. Specifically, that can befall humanity that isn't me.

I learned that, when I'm suffering from a case of the Catholic Guilts, watching Cars is akin to Superman being jabbed in the thigh by a big hunk of kryptonite. What? Lightning McQueen stopped the race and pushed The King over the finish line so that he wouldn't suffer the indignity of crashing on the final lap of his final race? Characters can be developed? People can learn lessons? Cue the water works. Not that I cried or any unmanly shit like that. No. Moistened...maybe. Tears? Not that I'll admit.

It's just a damned good thing I didn't watch Hoosiers is all I'm saying.

But then...I watched Cars twice this weekend. I'm fucking stupid. Then I tossed in The Incredibles, as well, just for good measure. What? Suburban husband and father longs for the good old days when he didn't have a gut and could smash things into atoms? This causing tension at home? Family recovers and fights evil together? Craig T. Nelson still has a job? Moisten me up again, Cowboy.

Granted, it's no Jimmy Fucking Chitwood hitting the final shot.

Fuck you, South Bend Central!

Apparently, the cure for a case of the Catholic Guilts is a trip to Lowes.

A couple of months ago, I replaced all the faucets in the two bathrooms upstairs: the one I share with my wife and the one that the kids use. Well, the stems coming out of the walls are 30 years old, and so even though I put on new faucet handles and everything, they dripped. Worse, I bought these lovely brushed nickel faucets, but they were made by a company called Danco. They were supposed to be one-size fits all sort of deal, which I thought was great. I won't have to worry about dicking with the stems. Unfortunately, the options for the one-size-fits-all are a nylon cube with a whole cut in it to fit down on top of the stem or an aluminum block that you can tighten down onto the stem using iron screws and an Allen wrench.

The metallurgists out there probably already see the problem here. Alternatively, if you've paid any attention to the various stages of human civilization, you would know that iron is a lot harder than brass or copper or whatever it is that they use to manufacture the stems. Therefore, when you're turning the water on and off, you tend to shred the tiny teeth in the stem that provide the grip for turning it on and off. It's the part at the top of the picture to the right.

So, with the head thoroughly shredded, and the butt end leaking badly (pray that I never have to write those words again), I went off to Lowes, the home improvement supply store, in order to get my fix. Armed with the faucet handle I'm trying to attach to my plumbing, I make a beeline for the plumbing department to seek the parts I would need, because I've decided to forgo Danco's lousy design (had I simply plopped the aluminum box back on the stem, I would be replacing them again in another month) and essentially craft my own faucet. Instead of using their one-size-fits-all bullshit, I decided to get a shorter stem and attach it directly to the faucet. However, this is where I ran afoul because I asked the attendant in the plumbing section for help.

Asking for help at Lowes is like asking the Pope how best to pleasure your girlfriend: you're not going to get the answer you want.

Spying pretty much exactly what I needed, I asked my friendly neighborhood plumbing assistant how I could tell if the head on the stem was a size H (which fit the back of my faucet handle) and he said he didn't know. They he asked if I had a Price Pfister. I said, no, it's a Danco. He then informed me that I was looking at Price Pfister stems. I said, that's fine, all I really want is something that will fit the handle so I can use it. He then said that Danco doesn't have that type of back, despite the fact that I held it up for him and showed him exactly what I needed and then told him what I wanted to do! Finally, after I had slaughtered untold number of neurons by conversing with this feeb, I went home, growled at my wife, got my kids ready, and went to a birthday party.

I should also add that birthday cake with a cream layer between the layers of cake, lots of ice cream and MILFs aplenty also help to ease a case of the Catholic Guilts.

So, Sunday, I go back to Lowes, where I eschew their "advice" and "assistance." I decided that, the best way to find what I needed, was to fit the stems onto the faucet handle before purchasing them. So, I poked holes in the tops of the plastic packaging holding the pieces I thought I needed and discovered, within about five seconds, how to check and see if stem head was a size H or not (it's in the first set of letters, in case any dumbfuck from the plumbing department reads this; for example, a 12H-H/C, is a size twelve, H-head stem that can be used for a hot or a cold valve...brilliant, no?). I found ones that looked reasonably like the stems I had at home, purchased them and took them home.

However, the threads didn't sit far enough back be set into my pipes, so had to repackage the one I had opened and take them back to Lowes. Frustrated, this time I went looking harder for exactly what I needed. And, I found it. I found exactly what I needed in the convenient catalogue that they placed there, presumably for the customer. Once having a near match for the old stems, I called for assistance. Figuring I was armed, knowledgeable and prepared, this should be an easy sale.

"Can I help you?" the man asked as he came to answer the assistance call.

"Yes, I'd like this one right here that's shown in the catalogue. Do you stock them?" I was rather proud of myself.

The guy looks around, fumbling through the various stems hanging there. "I think this is it." It wasn't, but it was a reasonable facsimilie. So reasonable that I had purchased four of them a few hours earlier and had to return them.

"Well, it is a size H. It's a 12, but I need something with threads further back. Also, do you have it in a 10? That would suit my needs better."

"I don't think so."

"Okay, well, see, here's some threading on my stem. Do you know what that's for?"

"Uh, no." (Turns out the threading wasn't necessary for installation.)

"I see. Well, this piece here, the one that looks exactly like it, the one in your catalogue placed here for my convenience...do you carry that piece?"

"I can check."

He wanders off. Five minutes later, he comes back.

"We don't really carry that one. And we don't order parts in for people. You'll have to go to a plumbing supplier."

I hesitated for a second. I wanted to ask him if this was or was not a "plumbing supply store", as I was standing in the plumbing section. I then wanted to ask him why the fuck they had a catalogue there for the customer's convenience if they wouldn't be so helpful as to order in the parts that were requested or needed.

"Very well then," I said, with as much aplomb as I could muster, "thank you for your time."

As we are walking out past the customer service desk, my daughter, a bit frantic over the idea of not being able to shower, asked, "What are we going to do now, daddy?"

"The only thing we can do, honey," I said, projecting my voice for all to hear in a rather stage-worthy performance, "We're going to Home Depot, where maybe they have someone who actually knows what they're talking about." I then left the store.

To cut this rather unwieldy tale short...I went to Home Depot. Five minutes later, I left with exactly what I wanted. An hour later, I had replaced three of the four offending stems. As it was getting late and the kids were looking to me for sustenance, I felt I should cook some dinner and not wrestle with the fourth stem which is stuck in the wall, most likely covered in 30 years worth of crud, corrosion and blech. Once I get it unstuck, I'll switch it out and all will be well. I smell WD-40 in the future.

Oh, and I bought the Price Pfister fittings. There, on the package, emblazoned in solid black letters against the Carolina blue background, it says "Perfect fit for Danco products." Lowes plumbing assistants: incompetent AND illiterate.

Lucky I Got a Compass in the Stock

Growing up in Indiana, there's two things you need to know how to do: shoot a free throw and shoot a gun.

I'm hopeful, at this point, that you're familiar with my prowess when it comes to the hardwood. Well, at least you know that basketball courses through my veins and drips from my tongue. Ew. Basketball has suddenly taken a turn for the gross, and I'm not even talking about being posterized like Greg "Sweaty Balls on My Chin" Paulus.

In case anyone cares: bounce the ball three times, spin it in my right palm, bend knees, breathe out, shoot, swish.

Did you know that I'm a dead-eye with a rifle? Damn straight. See, my best friend, whom I mentioned in passing during the Decapitated Clown Incident of 1993, lived in the middle of farmin' country. He lived just outside of Majenica, IN, and if that doesn't smack of BFE, then I don't know what does (perhaps living outside of Bippus or Disko, IN...but I'm getting off topic again). Basically, my friend, the Brewing Optometrist, had a huge yard--good for all sorts of mischief--with a barn all the way at the back of the property. Everything else was fields. If it wasn't house, yard, driveway, garage, barn, or field, it was woods. And empty. Lots of space here.

Anyway, out behind my friend's barn was a trash pile. Mostly it was branches and stuff that fell off the trees and various and sundry other collections of yard refuse. It just so happened to be packed solid enough that it would slow a bullet, but not cause the bullet to ricochet. It was our de facto shooting range.

I was out there one day with my trusty .22 bolt-action rifle when my buddy and his brother were like, "Look what we got: lightbulbs!" They had collected about fifty burnt out light bulbs--how long they had horded this many is difficult to fathom, but they had them and I was giddy with desire and the unbridled ecstasy of avarice.

Selecting a particularly delectable 100 watt beauty from the pile, I set it halfway up on the brush pile and returned to the back side of the barn. I loaded the weapon, hearing the bullet slide into the chamber with the cool, steely promise of death. Raising the muzzle of the rifle, I peered down the length of the cold steel barrel.

"Ten bucks says he doesn't hit it," I heard the Brewing Optometrist call to his brother derisively behind me. I put my former best friend out of my mind, focused only on the offending bulb before me. Holding my breath, my thumb clicked off the safety and my finger slowly began to squeeze.

BANG!

There was no sound of shattering glass. I raised my cheek from the stock as I clicked the safety back on, raising the muzzle and popping the bolt action back, spewing a smoking, spent shell somewhere into the withered brown grass at my feet.

The light bulb still stood before me. A .22 caliber hole fired through it so cleanly that only the glass struck by the bullet was displaced. Otherwise, it was perfectly whole.

Not looking at my friend, staring at the trophy before me, I calmly and quietly stated, "I'll take that ten bucks now, bub."

That sonuvabitch never did pay up.

Shadows of the Past

One of the unfortunate drawbacks to having picked up so many new readers and followers over the course of the past year is that many of you were unable to bask in the glorious triumph that I celebrated at this time last year. And let me just say, that t-shirt is one of my absolute favorites. I mean, it does taste gloriously of victory and free, which are two of my favorite things in the world (right after boobs and bacon logs), so maybe the t-shirt has an unfair advantage.

Fortunately for me, my knowledge of college basketball is almost as vast as my desire to get free shit. Again this year, the concierge service ran the same contest. Again this year, I won. I am, in fact, just that fucking awesome.

I hope like hell that I won for knowing that the most points you can score on a single play is 3. That's so much better than knowing that you only get five fouls.

Last year, I chose an Indiana shirt (they are my favorite NCAA basketball team, after all). This year, I went for the alma mater, proving that someone from Notre Dame can fucking win something (hear that, football, basketball and hockey teams? I'm rubbing it in your face! Try stop being a bunch of cockfaces and put forth an effort already! And maybe suck a little less while you're at it!).

The other thing that I've proved is that, unlike Notre Dame, winning a free t-shirt is never overrated.

I swear, all I did was type the word "winner" into a Google image search!

It Figures

So, it was 80 degrees here this weekend. Sunny. Beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. All you could ever ask for in a weekend and more.

And I was sick.

Not only that, but I didn't go see Watchmen because I was sick. I knew this would happen, too. My kids and my wife all had this cold, so I figured I'd get it the weekend that Watchmen came out. And I did. Power of positive thinking, huh? Couple in the time change with Daylight Saving Time and I was out of it for most of Sunday. I mean, I laid on the couch, bleary-eyed, for most of the morning and then sort of putz around the house in the afternoon. On Saturday, the coach for my daughter's basketball team had a cookout for the girls and their families, so we went to that. In that manner, the weekend wasn't a total bust. Being that this was the first nice weekend, I naturally forgot sunscreen, and so my two kids were kind of pink-faced when we came home Saturday evening.

Did any of you not named Scope go see Watchmen this weekend? I did get to finish my re-read of the book, so I might go during the week some time. I heard from a fan that it was awesome, and then on the radio this morning I heard some nub who called in and said, "We went with our entire family, and we were thinking it would be something like Spider-Man, but it wasn't. It was all dark and depressing and there was a lot of talking."

Are you that dumb? Did you not at least look into the movie before you went? Isn't everything revolving around the movie's release hinged on the words "Alan Moore's dark take on costumed superheroes"? And, of course, everyone was talking about Dr. Manhattan's blue dick. The rest of him is blue, so did they think his man parts would be any different? I mean, I realize what Laurie's role was when she lived with him, but I didn't expect her to be that good at it.

Also, this weekend, I realized that I totally missed doing my basketball prediction post. I even had things all written down on a scrap piece of paper with analysis and predictions and everything, but then I got distracted last week and didn't get it done. I can tell you that I successfully picked Cornell, Morehead St. and Radford, but the last two were just sentimental guesses.

Just remember, at Morehead State, the cheerleaders yell out what you want from them.

Update! No sooner had I pushed "publish" than the phone rang, and my wife was informing me that the school called informing her that Cookie was, well, tossing her cookies and had that fresh, warm feeling of just coming out of the oven (in other words, a fever). I rushed out the door to go get her only to discover that they wanted me to take Tank home, too, because he knocked his nose on another kid's forehead in the bathroom. He was bloody or had anything broken, but he was "inconsolable" over the affair, so I whisked them both home where they are recovering nicely. As my boss said as I was running out the door earlier, "March is shaping up to be one helluva month for you, huh?"

Yep.

It's Here, It's Here!!!

America, our seven month long national nightmare is over.

I realize I'm 30 minutes late with this, but you know what today is, right?

College basketball officially starts.

I Creaned My Pants

Okay, so most of you didn't fall for my juvenile April Fool's Prank from the other day.

Hopefully, you'll appreciate my juvenile potty humor.

No? Well, tough.

Anyway, as I was laying down my little head upon the soft pillows of my bed late Monday night, I flipped over to ESPN because I wanted to catch the scores of the NIT semis. Fortunately, I was lying there when the NCAAM news came up. Much to my surprise, I saw the words "Indiana will name Marquette head coach Tom Crean to the same position."
I thought for a moment that I had misread. Or that I had fallen for some April Fool's Prank. Except that it was after midnight, and the collective brain trust at the World Wide Leader isn't half so clever as to concoct this clever ruse.
At the time, I was unsure how I felt about the hire. I felt it was good that a highly-respected coach had left a program he had returned to glory for Indiana, despite the daunting task in front of him. However, to be quite honest, I wasn't wowed by the hire. I felt it was probably a good move, but after that I didn't have much to say. So, I slept on it.

I woke up Wednesday, and I was fired up. I began to think about how Tom Crean had taken a Marquette team that had gone through a slump since the golden era of Al McGuire and built them into a perennially ranked team that was very seldom mentioned for being on the dreaded bubble in March. I thought about Dwyane Wade, Travis Diener and how he led his teams to two victories over Kentucky (sorry Ψ * Ψ) in the NCAA tournament. I thought about Dominic James and how Tom Crean recruited him out of Indiana. I thought about Jerel McNeal shooting light's out against Notre Dame in the Big East tournament. Everything I could think about Tom Crean was positive, aside from how, at times, he looks a little bit like Tom Arnold. But, fuckin' aye, if that's all you've got going against you, you're doing something right.

It seems, thanks to the guys at Inside the Hall (which is the best Indiana basketball blog going) who have provided several link dumps (and yes, I've read all of the included links) giving a national perspective on Indiana's hire, that everyone else around the country also thinks that this was a good hire by Indiana. I've heard nothing but positives, whether it's local ass clown David Glenn talking about it or I'm reading a story on Yahoo! sports (I try to avoid columns on the World Wide Leader's website). The only negatives I've heard are from Illinois fans, and they all are saying that Crean made a huge mistake by coming to Indiana. And by "all" I mean Deadspin's own Will Leitch and Foul Balls' Tom Fornelli. And, if you can get under Illinois fans' skin, then you're doing something right.

I think I was surprised more than anything on Tuesday night, which is why I wasn't jumping around making an ass of myself when I read the news. However, Wednesday morning, I was basically doing just that because I was so fired up. I think Crean is going to last a long time at Indiana, he's going to right the ship, he's going to rebuild a program with a proud tradition, and he's going to get in players who aren't going to have character issues like the current crop of players seem to excel at having. I only wish that Indiana had been smart enough two years ago to offer Crean the job; apparently, from what I read, they talked to Crean about the position but ultimately ended up going with Sampson. At least this time they seem to have gotten it right.
As excited as I am, I can only imagine that Marquette fans are feeling the exact opposite. This was a total surprise to me; I can imagine that this was a total blindside to them. At the outset, I figured Tom Crean was the darkest of the dark horse candidates, because he was paid top money by Marquette and had a long contract in place. Indiana's athletic department is notoriously parsimonious, and they've got quite a few football coaches they're still paying for doing their typical underwhelming jobs at Indiana. To go out and hire Crean away from Marquette, and pay him top dollar was totally unexpected. I'm glad to see that Indiana, the president and the trustees are willing to do what it will take to get their basketball program fixed and back on track.

Again, though, I feel bad for Marquette fans. They lost a helluva coach on Tuesday, and I can understand if they're angry, disappointed and sad. I had the same emotions going through me when it was revealed that Sampson had spit in the face of the Indiana tradition and program. I don't have this worry with Crean. Yes, right now, with the NCAA infractions meeting looming, DJ White's graduation, Eric Gordon's bolting for the NBA, and Bassett and Ellis kicked off the team, this could only be considered a lateral move--at best--for Crean. It's not like Marquette is a program that's not steeped in tradition and a solid, venerable basketball program. However, the difference is that I think Crean can take the grimy mess that is Indiana's program and polish it back up to where it is, truly, one of the five best programs in the country (UCLA, North Carolina, Kentucky, Kansas, Duke...pick a top five out of those).

When the luster returns to the program in a couple of seasons (hell, Crean might be able to string together 20 wins with a group of walk-ons and bench players this next season), we as fans will get back to seeing more of this in Bloomington...except with a nice crimson tie and another red banner.

That's a Wrap, People

Well, thank God that's over.

Here's a quick quiz for you: can you think of any team that has ever had a more disappointing 25-8 record? I sure as hell can't. However, this year, this Indiana squad sure has provided that. 25 is a helluva lot of wins, especially for a team in a "power" conference, and yet last night as I watched the slow demise of the team I once had such hope for, I felt relief. Relief that it was over. Relief that things wouldn't get any worse. Relief that, hell, I don't know anymore. Just relief.

That wasn't a first-round tournament game last night. That was George telling Lenny to look down the river and think about the rabbits while he put a bullet in the back of Lenny's skull to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else.

That was Travis taking Old Yeller out back and shooting him.

That was Luke Skywalker taking Vader's helmet off so he could look at him one more time. Hopefully, that will also be Luke burning Vader's body and bringing about an end of his reign of terror.

And, it's not like I didn't see this coming. I picked Arkansas in all of my pools, except one, and that was the one where I was doing it through an Indiana blog, so I felt obligated to pick the Hoosiers. Remember my little lessons about the tournament picking from last year? Yeah. I did learn something.

I think the thing that frustrates me most is the fact that the team has not advanced one bit since November. Yes, they played well and were, at one point, 17-1. That means they went 8-7 over their final 15. In a down Big Ten (one of those losses was to UConn...who bowed out gracefully to San Diego yesterday). With two superstar players on their team, one of them the Big Ten player of the year, the other the Big Ten Freshman of the year.

Eric Gordon is shooting at a torrid 7-50 pace from three over the final few games. You know, I could hit 7 out of 50. I could probably even hit them coming off a screen. I should bolt for the NBA, too. This is the frustration talking, but I'm disgusted in how Gordon has not improved at all this year. His coaches have just "let the leash off". Well, that's great. Good job, fellas. I think Billy Packer (*shudder*) made a good point last night that Gordon should sit down and watch Stephen Curry's game against gonzaga from earlier in the day. That's how a shooter and scorer should move. Be smart, Eric: come back for at least one more year and learn how to play something other than AAU style ball. Be smart, Indiana: get a coach that can properly utilize talent.

I guess the silver lining here is that the Dan Dakich era is over. Sorry, Danny, you did good against Michael Jordan. Strolling the sidelines at your alma mater, however, not so good. I think your fate was sealed with the 30 point loss to Michigan State.

However you slice it, the season is over and it was a tremendous disappointment. I still have 31 games left to watch, but it's going to take a lot to get this sour taste out of my mouth.

Where's the gin?

Let's Recap, Shall We?

Whenever I make the big bracket predicting post, I always do a follow-up to see how well I did picking the field. Overall, I don't think I did too badly. I'm probably down a little bit from last year, but that's Georgia's fault (and Maryland's, to an extent). Let's just say that, if the tournament turns out to be as wild as the year has been in college basketball, this will be a thoroughly enjoyable three weeks. It'll probably just be chalk, though, just to piss me off.

Alright, let's start at the top with the Number 1 seeds.
My picks: UCLA, Memphis, Texas, Duke
Tourney picks: UCLA, Memphis, Kansas, North Carolina

Not bad, 50%, which is good since I was picking from about six teams. Ty Lawson's ankle healed up nicely enough to get UNC the win at Cameron and carried them through the ACC tournament, securing that number 1 bid. The winner of the Big XII (Kansas) got the 1 seed and runner up went to the 2 seed out west (Texas), so I was pretty close to that call. I'll take it.

Now, on to the conferences.

American East: UMBC Well done, Retrievers! Here's a big rub behind the ears and a thump on the ribcage for you. Enjoy the thrashing Georgetown puts on you.

Atlantic Coast: Duke. I was right, though, in saying that Clemson would win the 2/3 matchup but falter in the championship game. I just took the north side of the 15-501 rivalry to be in that number 1 position. Maryland's meltdown was epic, and just so happened to be exemplified by their meltdown to those same Clemson Tigers. Maryland, you take top honors over NC State for going into the shitter after taking big leads.
My Picks: UNC, Duke, Clemson, Miami(FL), Maryland

Atlantic Sun: Belmont That's three in a row! Well done guys! You secured the flame whip and the golden knife and hunted Dracula down in his grave! Good luck with Duke (seriously, slay them).

Atlantic 14: UMass I didn't realize that arch-nemesis Travis Ford had moved on to UMass. I remember him hitting three pointers from 65 yards out in games against Indiana to stick daggers in their heart. ScruMass! I'm never picking them again. Congrats to the Temple Owls who gooned their way to the title.
My Picks: Xavier
Also In: St. Joseph's, Temple

Big East: What a tourney! Aside from ND bowing out in the first round, this was thoroughly enjoyable. It's also nice to know that not every kid from West Virginia looks like Pittsnogle. Since I couldn't enjoy any Big Ten action, thanks to the Evil Big Ten Empire, I watched a lot of Big East action. Bravo, fellows, bravo. Georgetown did lose for the very first time when seeded Number 1 in the BEast tourney, in the championship game. I should get something for that, and also for dealing with the pain of watching Patrick Ewing, Jr. do something other than fumble the ball out of bounds.
My Picks: Georgetown, UConn, West Effing Virginia, Marquette, l'Universite de Notre Dame du Lac, Pitt, Louisville
Also In: Villanova (my sexy pick for the 12/5 upset on the first day)

Big Sky: Northern Arizona That's three of the last four that the Lumberjacks have been to the final game, and yet they've lost all three. In a fit of rage, Paul Bunyan still whipped out his "axe" and laid waste to several acres of Douglas Fir. The spotted owl population is decimated. A lone Indian shed a tear. Congrats to the Portland St. Vikings for making into the tournament for the first time ever, though.

Big South: UNC-Asheville 7'7" wunderkid Kenny George couldn't carry the rest of the team on his shoulders (I watched the game; conference champ Winthrop (again) did a great job on defense to keep the ball from him). Although the man dunks flat footed and makes a basketball look like a grapefruit in his massive clutches, the Winthrop Eagles continue to dominate the league. Thank God Notre Dame didn't draw them this year.

Big 10+1: Indiana Someone needs to print up cards that read: Blake Hoffarber, crusher of dreams. But, when one dream dies, another is born. Thanks to Hoffarber's last second heroics, he gave the tournament committee enough ammunition to thoroughly screw Indiana and set them as an 8 seed, where they will be playing in...Raleigh, NC! Holy effing hell! That's right, I'm going down to the RBC Center Friday night, and I'm going to try and weasel my way into getting some cheap tickets from some UNC fans hyped up about beating the shit out of Mount St. Mary's. Or Coppin St. Or whomever. Anyway, Wisconsin ended up winning after the rest of the good teams, we'll say, took a couple extra days of rest. Yeah, that works.
My Picks: Indiana, Wisconsin, Purdue, Michigan State

Big XII: Texas Like I said, we'll see how Rick Barnes manages to screw this up. Anyway, Kansas won a helluva game that I got to see around running bags of puke out to the trashcan (now you can see why I haven't blogged much lately). I am taking onus with the tourney for putting a bubble team like Oklahoma in as a 6 seed while Indiana and Butler both, ranked most of the season, get an 8 and 7 seed. Really, fellaz? Do you like anally violating teams from the state that badly (Purdue at a 6 is also a slap in the face).
My Picks: Texas, Kansas, Kansas St., Baylor, Texas A&M
Also In: Oklahoma

Big West: Northridge Well, surprise, surprise. Fullerton made it in. The poor Irvine Anteaters will get there someday. Also, the high-powered Fullerton offense versus the grind-and-go Wisconsin defense could be intriguing. A repeat of A&M-Corpus Christi? We'll see...

Colonial: VCU Wow, the power of the hot cheerleaders didn't work in VCU's favor. Damn. George Mason is the only one in, too. Sad for the Colonial. Let's hope the league picks up next year. And, George Mason...no need to carry that little guy torch anymore. Just put it down. Kay? Thanks. Now back away. And fear the Gody.

Conference USA: Memphis The EPA was called in to clean up the oil slick emanating from Memphis and Calipari after this. I shouldn't even take credit for picking this crap league.

Horizon: Wright State I'm back on the soapbox as I take this disrespect for the Indiana teams one more step. Butler? A 7 seed? Are you fucking kidding me? It's the same team from last year, which got a 5 seed, went to the sweet 16, gave eventual national champs Florida all they could handle, and they're arguably a better team this year. A fucking 7? And unranked bubble team Oklahoma is a 6? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID OR WHAT? Thanks. I feel better.

Ivy League: Cornell Talk about mental giants, the Cornell Brown Bears play the Stanford Trees (and not just Robin and Brook) in the first round. Suddenly my 14-whatever on the SAT seems paltry. Very paltry.

Metro Atlantic: Siena My Catholic love pays off. Thank you, St. Catherine.

Mid-American: Ohio The Bobcats got bounced early and now they're off to greener pastures. Rest assured, boys, that you've got a lovely little campus (I've been through it a couple of times...my wife hit a deer not far from it once). Kent State, though, wins the conference.

Mid-Eastern: Delaware St. One of these years, I'm going to remember that this tournament is played in Raleigh and I'll go to it. I'll stick out like a sore thumb, probably, but hell, I love basketball. And, out of nowhere, Coppin St. pulled the upset and landed in the tournament in the play-in game and carrying a sub-.500 record. That's damn near prescient in my book. I just picked the wrong team with State in the name.

Missouri Valley: Southern Illinois Wow, the Colonial and the Missouri Valley down. This is a world I don't want to live in. But I am, and there's still plenty of hot women in it, so I'll just keep plodding along. And, thanks to Georgia's inspired play (hey, I was rooting for them, too), Illinois St. is off to NIT-land.

Mountain West: New Mexico Play a tougher non-conference schedule, Steve. Worked for Arizona, apparently. Or just tell the selection committee you hate your home state. They'll reward you for it handsomely. Seriously. Purdue beat Wisconsin twice, and they only get a 6 seed? Screw you guys. You're a bunch of assbags with shriveled, dried up hearts that pump and oily black substance that looks like crude oil. Oh yeah, UNLV won, but BYU made it as an at large.

Northeast: Robert Morris The Colonials got tripped up and sent off to NITland. Hopefully they can beat Syracuse. More hopefully, Mount St. Mary's, the tourney champs, can beat UNC.

Ohio Valley: Austin Peay The Governors do my proud, finally! Way to go, boys. Congrats. If it's any consolation, Rick Barnes is still coaching Texas, so you guys got a shot!

Pac-10: UCLA The only thing I think I've ever agreed with Doug Gottlieb about is how awful the referees are in the Pac-10. Poor Arizona St. got screwed. But, Herb, my man, you should have left that awful non-conference scheduling bullshit in Raleigh, where they wear it like a cloak of honor. Schedule up, my bald, nondescript friend, and you, too, may be dancing.
My Picks: UCLA, Stanford, Washington St., USC, Arizona
Also In: Oregon

Patriot: American I love America, but apparently the tournament selection committee hates American (and Indiana). First time in the tourney ever? Have a steaming helping of Tennessee, boys.

Southeastern: Vanderbilt I think you'll all cut me some slack for not seeing Georgia rising up and taking four games in a row--three of them in a span of 30 hours or so. Sure, they didn't play anybody all that tough, they were practically on their home court, but still, they manned up in the face of adversity and fought through it. I know another team that wears a lot of the color red that could take a lesson from the Bulldogs here (including something about how to beat teams clearly better than you).
My Picks: Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Mississippi St., Kentucky Florida
Also In: Georgia, Arkansas

Southern: Davidson Alright, let's make it 23 in a row with a big win over gonzaga down in Raleigh. Go Wildcats! Can anyone forward Bob McKillup's phone number to Indiana for me?

Southland: Stephen F. Austin Texas Arlington pulled an upset win of sorts. I have no idea who they are, but I think Hank Hill roots for them, so they must be okay with me.

Southwestern: Alabama St. Mississippi Valley St. made it in. Next year, I vow to watch SWAC basketball anytime ESPNU carries it.

Summit: Oral Roberts IPFW came dangerously close in the semifinals to knocking off the giant praying hands. I'm calling it next year: The Year of the Mastodon! Oral Roberts wins, and plenty of guys named Robert were well pleased around campus in the ensuing celebration. There's something on your chin...

Sunbelt: South Alabama Can you smell what the Sunbelt is cooking? I couldn't pick between USA and WKU, but my love of America made me pick the Jaguars. Oh ho ho! The tourney selection committee hates American (and Indiana) but loves USA! Let's start the chants now! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-what? They're playing Butler? Fuck. I've suddenly become European and now I'm rooting against USA.

West Coast: St. Mary's San Diego shocks the world and pulls the double dog dare upset, sending three teams from the WCC to the dance. Wow. By the way, I should get credit for calling it that that crusty old curmudgeon Billy Packer would bellyache about the ACC only getting four teams in. If I were the tourney selection committee chairman, first I'd seed the Indiana schools fairly, and second, I'd tell Billy Packer to kiss the meatiest part of my ass and that the ACC schools need to play someone away from home from time to time.
My Picks: St. Mary's, gonzaga
Also In: San Diego

Western Athletic: Nevada Boise State worked the blue turf magic and won the championship. Well done, gentlemen. Now, work it some more and take down Louisville, because any tourney that sees a Rick Pitino-led team bow out in the first round is a success, no matter how much the selection committee screws my beloved Hoosierland teams.

Alright, of the conference champs, I successfully predicted 10 out of 31 champions. Yeesh. Shitty. That's 32.26% Horrible. Predicting the field, though, I had 48 teams out of 65 for a much-improved 73.85%. By the Lunardi rules (picking the smaller conferences as "conference champ"), I would ring in at 56 for 65 for an 86.15% Not bad. That extra +31 helps to start out the counting. Essentially, that means I nailed 25 of the 34 at large berths, which doesn't sound so good until you start to factor in that many of the teams that won their conference tournaments (like Wisconsin and UCLA) made the field anyway. I'm not going to bother correcting for that, but I will just say that I goofed on putting Ohio, Maryland, Arizona St. and Illinois St. in and not putting in Villanova, Oregon and Arkansas. So, there. I guess I'm a Bracketologist now. With that, simply bend over and you might feel a slight discomfort. That would be the screwing given to the Indiana-based schools.

In Like a Lion...It's March!!!

Sometime last night, I suppose around midnight, February slipped quietly into the past and March became a reality. Many people look forward to March because for one night they can drink all they want without any remorse and also because the seasons begin to change and spring officially arrives (since February demanded to be coddled this year, the equinox is on March 20th, as opposed to its usual March 21st). For many people, there is also the end of the Lent and the coming of Easter to look forward to. Still others plant their gardens, seed their lawns, plant flowers and take care of other pressing matters on the exterior of their homes.

For me, it's tournament season. I took Joe Lunardi and his claims of "I can predict the tournament field" to task last year. What he really should say is "I can predict the tournament field...because I update my brackets until the very last second before the official ones come out, thereby taking all the surprise and challenge out of the selection process!!! Fawn over me! I'm prescient!"

So, I went through last year and picked the field just before Championship Week. You can find that here and the follow up about how I did here. It was such a lark, I'm going to do it again.

Without further ado, let's take a look at those top four seeds.

Memphis: I'll take the low-hanging fruit first. They're probably not going to lose anymore this season until the NCAA tournament (no Elite Eight for you!), and coming into the tournament with one loss is going to pretty much make the selection committee seed them as a number one, probably in Houston. Remember when a vastly-over ranked Stanford team was undefeated at the end of the season a few years ago, and even though everyone knew they were soft, they still got a number one seed? Yeah, same for Memphis.

UCLA: I think UCLA is in the driver's seat for the PAC-10 championship and therefore a number one seed out west. They're a pretty decent team with some decent talent and an eye for defensive intensity. Okay, okay, so they're a fantastic team with great players and solid defensive sets as well as some scoring pop.

Texas: They're playing real good basketball right now and Bill Self is doing his typical late-season swoon, Michael Beasley is a beast, but I don't see how anyone challenges Texas for the Big XII championship. I think Texas will get a number one seed, somewhere. Then it'll be fun to see how Rick Barnes manages to screw this one up.

Duke: This pains me, but I don't see how anyone wins the ACC tournament who don't wear blue, and then when I mentally worked the brackets out in my mind, I had Clemson and UNC playing each other in the 2/3 game (I figure that, without Lawson being 100%, Duke wins at Cameron, securing a number one seed), and I live by the mantra of "it's tough to beat a team three times in one season" and Clemson has already taken the Tarheels to OT twice, both at Little John and at the Dean Dome. If Duke wins the ACC, they get a number one seed. It's that simple.

Now on to the conferences:

American East: I'm taking Maryland Baltimore County as they've owned the conference this year, are head and shoulders above the rest, and because their mascot is the Golden Chesapeake Bay Retriever. That's a big, dumb hard-headed, lovable dog. This means that they'll be stuck in the play-in game since they have a hyphenated game, ensuring they'll be good and tired so that whichever 1 seed gets them won't be embarrassed by the upset.

Atlantic Coast: I already said Duke wins the tournament. North Carolina makes it in almost automatically. Clemson finally gets that NIT monkey off its back, and Maryland is going to ride the 2002 National Championship into the tournament as well as the upset of UNC in Chapel Hill. I'd love to see Wake make it in and Va Tech, too, but I think there's just way too much work to be done for these teams in a league that has been mired in mediocrity all year. If they get one or two wins in the tournament, look for Miami(FL) to be in, as well.

Atlantic Sun: I've ridden Belmont in the past, and I'll take them again. They host the tournament on their own court, and I think Belmont is slowly becoming the new Winthrop. No word as to whether they'll change their name to the "Vampire Slayers".

Atlantic 10: Remember back a few months ago when the Atlantic 10 was everyone's favorite small conference? Remember back when they had 4 teams in the top 25, which was more than the ACC? Remember that painful, yellow discharge you contracted after spring break your junior year? That's what the A-10 is dealing with right now, and only Xavier can act as their penicillin now. But, I'm picking an upset here. Massachusetts to win the tourney, Xavier as an at large.

Big East: Last year I picked Notre Dame. They were a Tory Jackson 3-pointer from the win over Georgetown. This year I'm picking...Georgetown over Notre Dame, but my beloved Irish get an at large. Louisville will have a good run in the tournament. UConn is slowing down a little bit, Marquette is hanging around, and Pitt just manages to make it in. I hate it, but West Virginia slips in, as well. Syracuse beats Wake for the NIT championship.

Big Sky: In an upset, Northern Arizona beats Portland State at the buzzer to win the league. Paul Bunyan rejoices, but sadly misses out on UNA's opening round game against Memphis after he gets drunk, shows his "giant axe" to the wrong "babe" and ends up in jail.

Big South: "It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise," said Andre the Giant as Fezzik. You know what I'm talking about, it's okay to admit it. Well, the inconceivable happens, and UNC-Asheville wrests the Big South crown away from Winthrop on the very tall, very broad shoulders of 7'7" Kenny George. No mention of using iocane powder on Winthrop leading scorer Michael Jenkins. Fast fact for you: Andre's cremated remains were spread over some of the land he owned in North Carolina. And you thought this blog wouldn't teach you anything.


Big Ten: Let's go homerism, and let's go Hoosiers. Like I said with UNC/Clemson, it's tough to beat a team three times in one season, so I pick Indiana to "upset" Wisconsin in the championship game. It will be ugly, but the Hoosiers will prevail (hello, kiss of death). The best game of the tournament will be the day before when Indiana beats in-state rival Purdue. Did I mention the games are played in Indianapolis? Yeah, the town will be rocking on the night of the semi-final game. Michigan State also makes it in. Sorry, Ohio State. UMass doomed you to the NIT after upsetting Xavier. Minnesota? Your turn next year.

Big XII: I've already stated that Texas will win the tournament, but Kansas makes the field as a high seed, as well as Michael Beasley. A&M might make a good run, and get in, but I don't think anyone else has the body of work that A&M has, and even theirs is a little suspect. Feel good story of the tournament? The Baylor Bears and Scott Drew. Indiana starts banging on his door the moment they lose.

Big West: No surprises here, Northridge wins the tournament easily. Ole!

Colonial: Oh what used to be. I think that Virginia Commonwealth still reigns supreme over the league, but I think they can be beat. The most likely candidate is Old Dominion, but I think Anthony Grant will have his players ready to play. Sadly, you could count on two to three teams making it from the Colonial. ODU and George Mason have been the cream of this crop for a while. This year, I think it's only a two-bid league, unless the unthinkable happens to VCU and GMU. But let's not think about that. Plus, VCU has the best looking cheerleaders in the conference.

Conference USA: Memphis. Move along folks, move along, nothing to see here--Whoa! A horrible plane wreck! Gather 'round, people. Don't be shy. Gather 'round.

Horizon: In what could be an audition for the Indiana job, Wright State meets Butler in the championship game. Wright State upsets Butler to get the auto bid, the Bulldogs get an at large bid.

Ivy: The Cornell Big Red (mmmm...cinnamony) are undefeated in league play, breaking the recent stranglehold from the P-schools, Penn and Princeton. My ancestor's school, Brown, is second, but the Ivy is a one-bid league. Wait till next year.

Metro-Atlantic: I watched Rider play last night, and I was not impressed with the lack of defensive intensity that they trotted out (the cheerleaders, much better). I'm picking Siena in the upset. My love for the Catholic schools continues to show.

Mid-American: I think it works out that Ohio can meet up with Kent State in the finals. I pick Ohio over Kent, but Kent gets an at-large. There is much gnashing of teeth in Columbus.

Mid-Eastern: From out of nowhere, Delaware St. stings the competition and wins the league. Given the right circumstances, they could be one of those popular sub-.500 teams in the field, which might cause Billy Packer's heart to seize (we hope). Enjoy playing the UMBC Golden Retrievers Tuesday night.

Missouri Valley: Again, another multi-team conference that has fallen on hard times. But, they'll get at least two in this year, as Southern Illinois pulls the upset over both Illinois St. and Drake. Keno's boys still make it in as an at large. I'm also going out on a limb here and saying Illinois St. manages to sneak in as one of the last teams.

Mountain West: Oh, let's throw poor Steve Alford a bone. His teams always seem to do so well in the conference championship games only to shit the bed come NCAA tournament time. New Mexico in an upset, but with BYU helping to make Billy Packer look like more of an ass...if that's possible..

Northeast: My heart lies with Robert Morris. Why, you ask? Because they beat Boston College at Chestnut Hills this year. Yes, they are my new favorite obscure little school from the northeast, replacing Sacred Heart.

Ohio Valley: One of these years, Austin Peay will win the conference and make it into the tourney. Is this the year of the Governors? Yeah.

Pacific-10: What a mess this league is. Why a mess? Because it's chock full of good teams, top to...well...almost bottom. Winner? UCLA Runner-up? Washington State. Stanford is a lock to make it in. USC also makes it in. And in an upset special (upset because it upsets the fans in Raleigh), the tournament selection committee takes Arizona St. and puts them in a first-round game in the RBC Center. Screw you, NC State fans! Arizona also makes it on name as much as body of work.

Patriot: This league has a lot more parity than in years past. Given my love for America, it's tough to pick. I want to take Navy. I want to take American. Who will it be? American. Remember the "tough to beat a team three times". Plus, Navy's already had enough to celebrate this past year. *mutters something about fourth-and-long*


Southeastern: Despite the fact that he looks like Burglekutt from Willow, Kevin Stallings will lead Vanderbilt to the SEC crown over Tennessee. I'm still not sold on Tennessee, but I will agree that they're good. Who else from the SEC will make it in? Mississippi State and, wait, who can that be? Is it? Is it? Kentucky? On name alone? Nah, I think their body of work in the SEC alone is enough, but doesn't hurt being Kentucky. And because the tournament selection committee doesn't want to see both teams from the championship game last year shut out, we have to deal with Florida once more.

Southern: This is a one-bid league, and there's only one team in the league. Convenient, no? Davidson brings home the championship.

Southland: Another single bid league, and let's go with Stephen F. Austin.

Southwestern Athletic: Let's go with Alabama St.. I haven't watched the the SWAC much this year, and my kids are bugging me for lunch.

Summit: Some day I'm going to pick IPFW, but today is not that day. I'll go with Oral Roberts once more. The giant praying hands win out. Still, no fat chicks allowed.

Sunbelt: Man. South Alabama or Western Kentucky? Western Kentucky or South Alabama? Dammit, I love America, so I'll take USA. They're both good schools. Too bad it's a one-bid league.

West Coast: Again, the Catholicism shows through as I pick St. Mary's to win, but gonzaga will also make it as an at large, pretty much no matter what. And then Indiana starts banging on Mark Few's door.

Western Athletic: Nick Fazekas is finally gone, but I still think Nevada has built a reputation and a decent program. However, after getting to the conference finals, Boise State works the blue turf magic and slides in. Billy Packer goes apoplectic about the injustice of not one more ACC team making it into the field.

There you go. We'll see how this works out. I'm going with a lot of smaller schools over bigger schools that have shitty resumes and no signature win. Of course, this might make my field change drastically, but oh well. I'm sticking with it. We'll check back in after Selection Sunday.

Throwdown! Kelvin Sampson versus Brock Samson

A few have complained that I've been a little sports heavy on the site recently, so I have been trying to branch out a little bit. Diversify. You know, like all those investment commercials keep telling me to do. I've brought you the Meet the Characters feature and the Lives of the Saints (though that's only run once...there's been a paucity of good saints to make fun of talk about lately). So now to add to the mix: Throwdown! And, of course, this week's version is...sports related. Sorry.





By the way, this could be the most inspired post I've come up with since the ACC Football teams as Clerks characters one that ran back in September.





The matchup today: Brock Samson, the buff, blond bodyguard (alliterative) from Adult Swim's "Venture Brothers" versus Kelvin Sampson, the dial-happy former coach of my beloved Indiana Hoosiers basketball team. Here are the rules: we go ten rounds, whoever is left standing at the end emerges victorious. Gentlemen, keep it clean. Let's get it on!

Round One: Looks Like:
Brock: Former Notre Dame TE and current NFL draft hopeful, John Carlson.
Kelvin: Former Food Network poobah and Martha Stewart's new bitch, Emeril
Lagasse.
Advantage: Brock. The Bammage just can't come through in the end.





Round Two: Shares a Name With:
Brock: Biblical strongman Samson, who had a soft spot for Delilah, killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, burnt their fields with the flaming tails of foxes, and could not be felled until he sported the Michael Stipe look.
Kelvin: Centigrade's arch-nemisis. Incidentally, one could say that he slew the dreams of thousands of Hoosier fans by talking on the phone too much, thus killing them by wielding the jawbone of an ass.
Advantage: Did I mention Samson killed thousands when he dropped the temple of Dagon on his followers? The Old Testament beats the absolute temperature scale.

Round Three: Enemies
Brock: The Monarch, Baron Werner Underbheit, Phantom Limb, the Cocoon's henchmen, Mol's celibacy
Kelvin: The NCAA rules infraction committee, Michael McRobbie, referees, bad reception, three-way calls, Bruce Weber
Advantage: Brock. Phantom Limb is terrifying; Myles Brand, not so much.

Round Four: Personal Hero
Brock: Race Bannon
Kelvin: Chad from Alltel
Advantage: Brock. While neither will be put off by a bunch of nerds in their van, only Race Bannon has the balls to actually do something about them.

Round Five: Signature Look
Brock: Blond mullet.
Kelvin: Blue oxford with red tie.
Advantage: Kelvin. A mullet versus looking respectable? Hands down this one goes in favor of Kelvin, though it does appear that Brock keeps his hair nice and clean.

Round Six: Leading Lady
Brock: Take your pick. I'll choose the sultry, comely red-headed sexpot and international spy Molotov Cocktease.
Kelvin: Wife Karen, who is a rather fetching lady and steadfastly supports her husband.
Advantage: There's something to be said of the unconditional love of a good wife, and, while Karen is a lovely lady, she's not going to totally kick your ass during foreplay, nor tie you to a bed, set the hotel on fire, and take away your smokes. Molotov Cocktease wins.

Round Seven: Brush with Fame
Brock: David Bowie, who then turned into an eagle and flew off, eliciting the "Dude, the guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird and flew away!" monologue.
Kelvin: John/Johnny (Cougar) Mellencamp, IU alum and big donor to the school, who once told Bob and Tom: "The sun never sets on the cool".
Advantage: "Blood on the Scarecrow" is one of my favorite songs. David Bowie has two differently-colored eyes and a package that makes women swoon. I'm going with Mellencamp on this one. Advantage Kelvin.

Round Eight: Anger Management
Brock: When he's angry, he kills henchmen, trashes supervillains, and hollows out hot women. Also, has a tell-tale facial twitch which warns you that you're about to die.
Kelvin: When he's angry, he takes his jacket off, yells, waves his hands, and stomps. Also, will bench your ass if you don't match up in the 2-3 zone.
Advantage: Brock; you don't want to be a member of the Monarch's cocoon when he goes off. Even if it is just to amuse the Monarch.








Round Nine: Best Defense
Brock: His own two hands; also, once defended Zepplin as being more than "jock rock" and explained that "they were on a lot of stuff" when they sang a song about Hobbits.
Kelvin: 2-3 matchup zone
Advantage: I always prefer man-to-man defense. Brock wins.

Round Ten: Fall from Grace
Brock: In college, killed the deaf quarterback of his varsity squad while in practice, thus getting him expelled from school. Got drunk, trashed his roommates, and joined the army.
Kelvin: 577 illegal phone calls at Oklahoma, 106 illegal phone calls at Indiana. Was bought out and quietly slipped into the night.
Advantage: Brock, again. Kelvin's violations were lame, but they were violations nonetheless. After trashing his roommates, Brock became the body guard of one of them, Thaddeus "T.S." Venture (later known as "Rusty").



At an impressive 8-2 clip, Brock Samson emerges victorious in this initial run of the Throwdown. Better luck next time, Kelvin. Maybe you could call for backup (too soon?). Now, why don't you take a break from kicking ass and go celebrate, big fella.