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Throwdown! Kelvin Sampson versus Brock Samson

February 28, 2008

A few have complained that I've been a little sports heavy on the site recently, so I have been trying to branch out a little bit. Diversify. You know, like all those investment commercials keep telling me to do. I've brought you the Meet the Characters feature and the Lives of the Saints (though that's only run once...there's been a paucity of good saints to make fun of talk about lately). So now to add to the mix: Throwdown! And, of course, this week's version is...sports related. Sorry.

By the way, this could be the most inspired post I've come up with since the ACC Football teams as Clerks characters one that ran back in September.

The matchup today: Brock Samson, the buff, blond bodyguard (alliterative) from Adult Swim's "Venture Brothers" versus Kelvin Sampson, the dial-happy former coach of my beloved Indiana Hoosiers basketball team. Here are the rules: we go ten rounds, whoever is left standing at the end emerges victorious. Gentlemen, keep it clean. Let's get it on!

Round One: Looks Like:
Brock: Former Notre Dame TE and current NFL draft hopeful, John Carlson.
Kelvin: Former Food Network poobah and Martha Stewart's new bitch, Emeril
Advantage: Brock. The Bammage just can't come through in the end.

Round Two: Shares a Name With:
Brock: Biblical strongman Samson, who had a soft spot for Delilah, killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, burnt their fields with the flaming tails of foxes, and could not be felled until he sported the Michael Stipe look.
Kelvin: Centigrade's arch-nemisis. Incidentally, one could say that he slew the dreams of thousands of Hoosier fans by talking on the phone too much, thus killing them by wielding the jawbone of an ass.
Advantage: Did I mention Samson killed thousands when he dropped the temple of Dagon on his followers? The Old Testament beats the absolute temperature scale.

Round Three: Enemies
Brock: The Monarch, Baron Werner Underbheit, Phantom Limb, the Cocoon's henchmen, Mol's celibacy
Kelvin: The NCAA rules infraction committee, Michael McRobbie, referees, bad reception, three-way calls, Bruce Weber
Advantage: Brock. Phantom Limb is terrifying; Myles Brand, not so much.

Round Four: Personal Hero
Brock: Race Bannon
Kelvin: Chad from Alltel
Advantage: Brock. While neither will be put off by a bunch of nerds in their van, only Race Bannon has the balls to actually do something about them.

Round Five: Signature Look
Brock: Blond mullet.
Kelvin: Blue oxford with red tie.
Advantage: Kelvin. A mullet versus looking respectable? Hands down this one goes in favor of Kelvin, though it does appear that Brock keeps his hair nice and clean.

Round Six: Leading Lady
Brock: Take your pick. I'll choose the sultry, comely red-headed sexpot and international spy Molotov Cocktease.
Kelvin: Wife Karen, who is a rather fetching lady and steadfastly supports her husband.
Advantage: There's something to be said of the unconditional love of a good wife, and, while Karen is a lovely lady, she's not going to totally kick your ass during foreplay, nor tie you to a bed, set the hotel on fire, and take away your smokes. Molotov Cocktease wins.

Round Seven: Brush with Fame
Brock: David Bowie, who then turned into an eagle and flew off, eliciting the "Dude, the guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird and flew away!" monologue.
Kelvin: John/Johnny (Cougar) Mellencamp, IU alum and big donor to the school, who once told Bob and Tom: "The sun never sets on the cool".
Advantage: "Blood on the Scarecrow" is one of my favorite songs. David Bowie has two differently-colored eyes and a package that makes women swoon. I'm going with Mellencamp on this one. Advantage Kelvin.

Round Eight: Anger Management
Brock: When he's angry, he kills henchmen, trashes supervillains, and hollows out hot women. Also, has a tell-tale facial twitch which warns you that you're about to die.
Kelvin: When he's angry, he takes his jacket off, yells, waves his hands, and stomps. Also, will bench your ass if you don't match up in the 2-3 zone.
Advantage: Brock; you don't want to be a member of the Monarch's cocoon when he goes off. Even if it is just to amuse the Monarch.

Round Nine: Best Defense
Brock: His own two hands; also, once defended Zepplin as being more than "jock rock" and explained that "they were on a lot of stuff" when they sang a song about Hobbits.
Kelvin: 2-3 matchup zone
Advantage: I always prefer man-to-man defense. Brock wins.

Round Ten: Fall from Grace
Brock: In college, killed the deaf quarterback of his varsity squad while in practice, thus getting him expelled from school. Got drunk, trashed his roommates, and joined the army.
Kelvin: 577 illegal phone calls at Oklahoma, 106 illegal phone calls at Indiana. Was bought out and quietly slipped into the night.
Advantage: Brock, again. Kelvin's violations were lame, but they were violations nonetheless. After trashing his roommates, Brock became the body guard of one of them, Thaddeus "T.S." Venture (later known as "Rusty").

At an impressive 8-2 clip, Brock Samson emerges victorious in this initial run of the Throwdown. Better luck next time, Kelvin. Maybe you could call for backup (too soon?). Now, why don't you take a break from kicking ass and go celebrate, big fella.


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