My Life: Situational Comedy

Okay, so, remember that whole "I'm going to go get AT&T right now!" proclamation that I boldly announced the other day?

Yeah, well, AT&T isn't available in my area.

Neither is Verizon.
Or Embarq.
Or Netzero.

Or pretty much anything that isn't Time Warner Cable.

*sigh*

And, yeah, TWC, in their infinite wisdom, decided to wait until the last minute to negotiate with Viacom for the right to Nickelodeon and pretty much most of the other channels I use to avoid being a parent. What? Patrick and Spongebob are perfectly good fill ins for my wife and I. And Mr. Krabs teaches the kids about being financially responsible. Now, if only they could make breakfast. Anyway, I was rudely awakened by two frantic children on the December 31st, telling me that the cable was taking away Nickelodeon and that I needed to fight the bad men who were doing this. My daughter had written down the number to call and was shoving the paper in my face and my son was running around in circles screaming...which he pretty much normally does, anyway, but it made for a rude awakening. Bleary-eyed, I pulled myself from sleep's sweet embrace, staggered downstairs, and started swearing at the crawling line of words that I could barely read on the bottom of my screen. I turned around to find the phone and the piece of paper with a hastily-scrawled 800-number being thrust into my hands with the instructions to "call this...make us breakfast first...but call this number!"
How was everyone else's holiday?

All of this is a long diatribe detailing the fact that my home computer is still not hooked to the internet, but I'm calling today to try and rectify said situation. I'm thinking about trying this wireless thing out. I hear that's a popular thing with the kids these days. Anyone else hear of this?

And, yeah, Scope...it's not 64K...I was only off by a factor of 1.0^6. Being a scientist, I'll file that under "standard deviation" and ignore the fact that I was wrong. Hooray for science!

This space won't be blank for much longer. And neither will your comments sections. I mean...right after I get some more work done in the lab. Yeah...in...the lab...


UPDATE: I just got off the phone with the guy. Looks like Wednesday, I'll be back up and running full speed. Or whatever passes as full speed for my tubby ass.

Sorry for the Delay

Sorry, folks. I'm experiencing some technical difficulties. Seems as though Time Warner Cable, in their infinite dumbassery, thinks that my new, hot damn, red-head with big knockers and wearing fuck me boots and fishnets...where was I? Oh, right, my new computer. Despite it having 64K worth of RAM, TWC seems to think it has less than 32K. Granted, it's spread over four processors, but still. Dumb fuckers won't let me hook it to the internet. AND TWC is again threatening to take away Nickelodeon and pretty much every other channel I watch.

I'm off to order AT&T wireless for the house. It might be a little slower than road runner, but I'll bet they have better customer service. Oh yeah, and it's an assload cheaper. Eat dick, TWC. If I didn't live at the bottom of a hill, I'd dump your shitty television services, too (although the Big Ten network for $5.00 a month...very nice...I can watch Indiana lose whenever I so desire!)

I hope to be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy the test pattern from above. If you cross your eyes and stare at it long enough, and say "boobies boobies boobies" three times fast, a picture of Leelee Sobieski resolves itself from the colors. Mmmm...boobies...